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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to NOT want future SIL to bring her (ex) boyf who she may get back with to my wedding...?

154 replies

katylui1 · 02/07/2007 12:40

OK, Ill try and keep it brief. To try and avoid any of the politics and bitching I have seen with so many weddings, I am planning a really small intimate but beauftiful wedding in 7 weeks. Trying desperately not to get too stressed but just about ready to pack it all in.
There are 14 adults going and 6 children (that includes bride and groom!) and we have asked everyone to contribute to the day instead of buying gifts. In laws jobs are miniscule (my side are busy making cakes, booking dates, training to be a photographer!) and his are looking after the confetti and bringing some toys for the kids and it would seem I had asked them for don orange suits and do some community service.
Anyway, (i could go for hours) we have already had to pussyfoot around my younger (24) future SIL as she is currently single and as it is so small it would be wierd to add an +1 and have a stranger there. All 3 other single people are on my side and got it straight away, no fuss, just want to support me. So it is now all booked and V expensive and she asks if she can bring her ex. I was gobsmacked, she offered to pay for him and the older future SIL piped up with Im inviting him to my (180 guest) wedding in a year whether your with him or not. I muttered something about...well if thats what you want and then had to listen to an hour of I really want him there, its important to me.
At no point has she asked what I want for my day but keeps blabbing on about what she wants, but I feel so pressured and intimidated. The fact that they both did it together and without their brother (my fiance) there. Im so mad but I dont know how to say no now, but this is just one perfect day for me (believe me, we have had so much heartache that this day is so needed). Any thoughts?

God, organising a wedding feels like being pregnant - crying and stressing all the time!

OP posts:
woopsadaisy · 02/07/2007 12:45

its YOUR wedding day that you are going to remember for the rest of your life, with all the closest people who you live there with you.
not your sil's ex bloke!!
if you dont want to tell her to bog of say that they cant fit him in etc, or just say as its your wedding you would feel more comfortable if it stayed as it was because it will be difficult/stressful to change the organisations now
its not like she is goig to be there on her own and not know anyone is it??

woopsadaisy · 02/07/2007 12:45

should say love not live sorry!!!

Bouquetsofdynomite · 02/07/2007 12:47

Small means small, you are not being unreasonable - if you wanted strangers there you would have gone for a 70strong meringue banquet.
Just keep repeating no, it's a small and intimate wedding, you both know all the other guests very well, it's all arranged and exactly how you both want it. That there are other single people there so she won't be a gooseberry and you're sure she's strong enough to manage that. Also, that when she gets married she can invite who she likes.

alicet · 02/07/2007 13:34

Actually I think she is being unreasonable to bang on about this even if you were having a massive do. No harm in her asking but if you say no she has to respect that - its your day and your budget!

We have 150 people to our wedding yet still didn't invite partners we hadn't met as we wanted to know the guests at our wedding! And he's and ex!!!! Noone took the hump and neither should they. I would also not expect to be able to dictate how someone celebrates sich a personal day. However this situation ( and similar ones) is very common as sadly some people do seem to think the day is about them not the bride and groom.

What does your dh to be say? Is he supportive? If he is then its easier.... If you don't want a confrontation I would just say its all booked now and you can't change the numbers. But whatever you do I would make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that he is NOT coming and its NOT open to discussion - otherwise you will have to put up with this for the next 7 weeks.

compo · 02/07/2007 13:36

ask your finance to sort it out
it's his sister, she shouldn't be asking you anyway
it's his job to sort out his family
you have to make this clear from the start, you sort out yours, he sorets out his.
so you tell him she has to come on her own and he has to tell her

Original poster
katylui1 · 02/07/2007 13:47

Trouble is, hes a sucker for them. They lost their dad 4 years ago and now hes the head of the family so to speak (despite the presence of a stepdad). It's such a nightmare, they all (mum and 2 sisters) go all weepy to get what they want. The dinner is in a #250 a night hotel in my hometown. So my family are all bunking down together and my brother has even offered to put some of them up, but they are all insisting on staying at the hotel and the sisters are going to work on DF to get him to pay. I dont feel I can dictate how he spends the budget as I have given up working for the kids, so am no longer earning. If he doesn't pay, then Im pretty sure mil will despite not offering a penny of support to the wedding itself (she forking out 15k for SIL's next year). Aaaah.

Yep, talking myself into calling it off right now. Are weddings always this stressful?

OP posts:
Original poster
katylui1 · 02/07/2007 13:47

Oh and now they want to stay for 2 nights

OP posts:
howdydoody · 02/07/2007 13:54

Mine wasnt that stressful because i made clear want i wanted at the start and brokered no argument. If you say yes to her you have set the tone for the future. Dont give in even if it means you are the "Baddie" for a while. Apart from pregnancy it's the one time people usually go along with what you want. Let them mutter behind your back if they are that way, but stick to what you want. If not you may well kick yourself for years. Hope it goes well!xx

Elasticwoman · 02/07/2007 21:55

Katylui I have every sympathy. When I was about to be wed, an invited guest rang my mum to ask if her son's girlfriend could also come. I had no particular objection to the person, but did not know her and felt that it was very rude of any one to think they should have a say about whom to invite.

Absolutely cringed to hear about how your SIL went on about how important it was to her! It is not her day, it is yours. You and dh will be hosts, not her. How dare she even think of it? I don't care who is paying for things, it is your wedding and the guest list is your (and his) decision.
It is stressful enough to organise these things without people sticking their sticky beaks into your arrangements.

I refused to extend invitation to aforementioned gf, and my mother was so embarrassed she said I'd have to phone my godmother myself and tell her. Which I did.
We had about 75 to the wedding, but the principle is the same.

crokky · 03/07/2007 11:27

You have my sympathy. I had a small wedding (10 people including us!). This was immediate family only.

DH's brother said that he would be brining a "date" even though he knew this was not what we wanted. He had met this girl 10 days previously (we had never met her). He deliberately went against our wishes.

The photo of all the guests and us includes this girl who is a total random stranger who I had never met and BIL has now dumped her. .

I think it is like everything in life - some people are just totally selfish and unreasonable and do not care about anyone but themselves. I don't know the solution!

Elasticwoman · 03/07/2007 18:43

I agree with you Crokky that your bil was very rude, and I bet the girlfriend felt embarrassed.

Original poster
katylui1 · 03/07/2007 20:28

Thanks girls, Ive told DP he has to sort it out - although he is really reluctant. The whole point of a tiny wedding was to avoid any bitchiness. I've told him that unless the politics stop by the end of the week (they are all on his side - too many women!!) the wedding is off and it either doesn't happen - or I sort out a meringue banquet (and seat them all next to lecherous uncles and spotty cousins!)
If people are gonna bitch, they may else well have something to bitch about! Ill keep you updated, hes seeing her tonight so well see...

OP posts:
hotmama · 03/07/2007 20:34

Well done Katylui1

It's your wedding so do what you want to do. Can't abide women sobbing to get what they want.

Bouquetsofdynomite · 03/07/2007 20:42

I think Vegas is calling Katylui1 , the sound of slot machines instead of bitching, the pretty lights. It's actually quite nice for kids, esp the Treasure Island hotel - did you know there's even a dolphinarium?

Original poster
katylui1 · 03/07/2007 20:56

You may be right. Am going dress shopping tomorrow, maybe once I have the dress I'll give less of a f*! After all, I know I'm getting a husband...but more importantly I'm getting a great dress and some new jewellery!

OP posts:
NKF · 03/07/2007 21:02

Imagine having the nerve to think you can bring someone along to someone else's wedding. I hope you get it sorted out.

Original poster
katylui1 · 03/07/2007 21:15

...hmmm he's been to her house and for some extravagent reason (I got bored of listening) he hasn't told her.
Getting closer to throwing it all in...do you have to give the ring back if you call the wedding off? (Don't want you to think Im all about the bling, but you know...)

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 03/07/2007 22:15

Pick up the phone, say no loudly then hang up and unplug.

Your day, not theirs. They are guests and nothing more. If they don't like the terms they should bloody well not go. Your sister in law sounds like a moaning whinging bitch of the highest order.

Agnes

Elasticwoman · 04/07/2007 10:22

Great post, Agnes.

NKF · 04/07/2007 13:20

I liked that post too Agnes.

Or next time she sees the ex boyfriend, she could say: "All those coming to my wedding, step forward. Where are you going?"

Caroline1852 · 04/07/2007 13:32

If you want a stress free wedding why don't you just say yes to him coming? I know it is your wedding day but it is also your fiance's wedding day too and when you marry someone you take on their family too. Why is it such a big deal if she brings him? Is it worth spoiling your wedding plans over - especially as she has offered to pay for him? I think you are being a bit petty - sorry!

Caroline1852 · 04/07/2007 13:33

Sounds to me like your fiance would rather let him come! It's his wedding day too.

alicet · 04/07/2007 13:35

Caroline why should she have a complete stranger at her wedding when she is deliberately having close family only? Why should what her sil wants be more important than what she wants when its her day? The issue isn't about who pays for it!!!!

Agree though that her dh to be should have some say but I think it's impossibly ude for guests to think that they can dictate terms for someone elses wedding!

alicet · 04/07/2007 13:36

rude not ude

Elasticwoman · 04/07/2007 16:30

Caroline, don't be silly - this stranger is NOT family and you are just advocating the doormat style of peacekeeping that doesn't work in the long run.