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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run - always asked but never reciprocated

262 replies

Fro611 · 27/01/2019 08:58

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

OP posts:
Lifeofsmiley · 28/01/2019 14:51

You can have a fairly robust conversation with someone without it being a confrontation. Similar with you can have a different opinion on something but it doesn’t mean you hate it. Stand up for yourself. Piss takers like this get away walking over people because other people don’t want to fall out or be confrontational.
Just say no.

JessieMcJessie · 28/01/2019 16:11

Where on earth do you live that (a) your car school run is so long that an extra ten minutes isn’t very much and (b) that school is so far away from the CF’s home that her “nanny”has to take a can instead of walking or getting the bus? Do your local primary schools have really wide catchments?

Renster · 28/01/2019 18:02

Bet she doesn’t tell her work she’s not collecting her child.......

Wrongintherightway · 28/01/2019 18:09

You really don't have to negotiate or explain yourself- say no

Alternatively each time say asks, say yes but can you bring mine home tomorrow with you?

She will soon rein it in

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2019 18:12

If it’s not inconvenient and you wouldn’t want her to pick yours up anyway, why not just do it?

terriblyangryattimes · 28/01/2019 18:19

Buy (or borrow) a 2 seater car. Your son in the passenger seat, no room for hers! Job done. Seriously though I think you just need to tell her directly you can't keep doing it, no need to give a reason. The worst that can happen is she never talks to you again... she doesn't sound that wonderful anyway so no great loss.

OrigamiZoo · 28/01/2019 18:35

The fact she waits in the car park with the car seat tells you that she now sees this as something you do on a routine basis!

When she appears tomorrow with the chair the cheeky fucker just tell her you won't be able to do it anymore.

OR, say that'll be a fiver for petrol please.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 28/01/2019 18:43

Do your local primary schools have really wide catchments

Obviously I'm not the OP, but we're rural and DS' school is 20 mins away by car, no public transport.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2019 18:46

"Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much."
And she'll remain oblivious until you actually say something! What you say need not be confrontational.

"She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup."
Well as you walk towards her, Say "No!" loudly. When she looks confused/asks you what you mean, smile broadly and say "You mean you weren't going to ask me to do pickup for you AGAIN? Well that makes a change!" Make a big joke of it. And if she does the say 'can you pick up' just respond "No I did actually mean 'no'." And change the subject or walk to your car with a cheery farewell.

Practice in the mirror at home to become comfortable with this.

Remember - nothing ever changes, if nothing ever changes. You need to start the change going. It's not going to start itself spontaneously.

achoocashew · 28/01/2019 18:57

Well, have you texted her then?!!

Troels · 28/01/2019 18:57

Waiting to see how it went today Fro.

whodidapoopoointhebath · 28/01/2019 19:09

Subtle obviously doesn’t work so you are going to have to be direct.

Why would you hire a nanny who doesn’t drive if you need them to?

SenoritaViva · 28/01/2019 19:17

I think you have to be honest, not confrontational but truthful. ‘ I feel you’re asking me to collect your child from school too much. I really didn’t mind when it was now and then. I like you and wouldn’t want this to get in the way of our friendship.’

ZenNudist · 28/01/2019 19:22

Urrrgh shes no friend. She saw you coming. Look forward to more of this "can you bring him home from the party, can you take them both to football?" Zero thanks, zero reciprocation. Does that sound like a set up you are happy with?

I wouldn't even offer to share pick ups because she will encroach and you wont know where you are and will end up doing it as you will worry your dc wont get picked up.

So stop. Say no every time. Be honest. You're fed up of adding extra time to your school run, its too much having 2 children all the time, you feel unfairly taken advantage of. See ig she apologises. Refuse to do anything else. Not even emergency.

I have friends who pick up in an emergency for me. The favour is immediately reciprocated or flowers given. It started happening too much due to particularly bad traffic on my route so i made new plans so as not to take advantage of friends' goodwill. I tried coming home earlier and working from home to miss the traffic, then i gave up on that and now get public transport. You see how people not taking the piss behave? Contrasts with your 'friend' doesn't it?

JemSynergy · 28/01/2019 19:24

I've been here. The mum had a nanny too but she didn't like to wake her other child who would sometimes be napping during the time of the school run. I found this out after dropping her child off one day and got talking to the nanny. The drop offs became more and more frequent, various excuses as to why she couldn't pick up which ranged from migraines to working etc. Eventually I had to say I couldn't help anymore because it was becoming a commitment and I had my own kids to drop off to after school clubs. She eventually moved onto someone else to pick up her children. Funny thing was whenever I asked for help she wouldn't.

OutPinked · 28/01/2019 19:27

She’s not a friend, she’s using you as a free taxi service.

toxic44 · 28/01/2019 19:57

Put on your big girl knickers and tell her it doesn't suit you. Just say No. Practise saying it in front of the mirror, out aloud, until you are familiar with the sound of it. No, sorry!' 'Can't, sorry!' Then progress to 'We're busy today.'

Serin · 28/01/2019 20:05

I had exactly the same, and the little horror scratched my car!
I took advice from MN and didn't get into any negotiations about reciprocal arrangements.....I didn't need her to pick my DC up and looked forward to doing that myself.
I said "This isn't working for me" and walked away. She then got another mug to take her DC.
Just say no OP, you can do it.

Trudij123 · 28/01/2019 20:18

Good god.

How was today OP?

givemesteel · 28/01/2019 20:38

I think the 'just speak to her' /'no is a complete sentence brigade don't grasp that you're in the situation because you're not a very assertive person (I get it, I'm very awkward / British about these things too).

If it were me, I would text her say something like -

Hi, I'm afraid I can't do regular drop offs for you anymore, to be honest it has started to feel like an obligation that I have to do (especially when you leave the car seat in reception) rather than an occasional favour,which is how this started out. I want to start using after-school time to do reading practice / do xyz and the 10-15 min detour a few times a week adds up. I'm OK to do the occasional pick up (ie about once a month) if you're really stuck. I hope you understand and it's not awkward.

If she starts to argue, just say, 'sorry you're making this quite awkward now, especially as I've said I'll still occasionally bail you out if needed'

I would learn from it next time and be much less helpful, CFs can sense a soft touch.

Hope that helps, good luck.

cameliagreenfingers · 28/01/2019 21:11

She's obviously taking advantage of you - she needs someone to do the pick up and can see it's not too much out of your way (which makes it hard to say no... it's not that much out of my way, she needs help etc) but she had to ask if you wanted it to be regular - not just sneakily make it so. the thing is - it's your time. ten minutes is a pain in the arse. I wouldn't want someone else kid in the car all the time - I always enjoyed that pick up time alone with my kids.

you're going to have to be assertive.

DustyMcDustbuster · 28/01/2019 21:30

No is a complete sentence.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2019 21:48

I think woolduvet had a great response. If you don't like confrontation, text her as suggested.
No negotiation. No offers of emergency help. I did this and it turned out every day was an emergency. Please take it from me THIS IS THE THIN END OF THE WEDGE now that she has you on the hook, the demands will increase. You are going to be roped into more and more activities.
Please cut off the supply completely now. Do not say you have other plans because she will want to know what they are and say wouldn't it be nice if our two lads can go together.
You have no obligation whatsoever to help her. If she had asked you up front would you be prepared to do this day in and day out until year 6 and beyond.. what would you have said?
Also is it a 10 min detour there and then a 10 min detour back? even more outrageous. You are sacrificing your salary to spend time with your children. That time has a value and it doesnt make you obliged to be her unpaid servant.
You need to start making other friends at school in the meantime - however difficult it may seem you will get there or sign your son up for swimming lessons or take him to the park after school and start setting up play dates with other mums. This is as many have said precious time with your son, you'll never get it back and however the CF dresses up the task as simple and hardly any trouble it has become a consistent committment which is not fair. Say no nicedly but very clearly. and keep repeating "because I don't want to." . Best of luck.

JessieMcJessie · 28/01/2019 22:00

DS' school is 20 mins away by car, no public transport.

How does that work for parents with no car? Not even a school bus?

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 28/01/2019 22:03

Many parents live in the village where the school is. We don't. For the ones that don't have cars I'm assuming their children either walk to school or go to a school closer to them. We don't have that option - DS isn't Welsh speaking so he doesn't go to the school in the village which is Welsh medium.

Many people choose schools that they can't walk to, for many reasons.