School run - always asked but never reciprocated

[Fro611]

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

I wouldn't explain anything. If you start talking about wear and tear and petrol, she'll offer you some paltry sum. If you start talking about her nanny, she'll come out with some rubbish.

Just plainly state as I said above... "I've done this for some months for you now, I do not want to do it anymore"

That way, you are pointing out how amenable you have been in the past, but you're not happy to continue.

There is no argument to that!

Also, it is much easier to be honest (saying you do not want to do it anymore). That way you don't tie yourself up in knots or get into her trying to cajole you. If you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it, there is nothing she can say to that

*Response to texts: Sorry, no

Response to approaches outside the school: Sorry, no I can't. If she asks why, smile brightly and say "It just doesn't work for me". If she persists, smile less brightly and say "Why do you need to know?" And if she still persists, say "Look, I did say no, and I don't think I have to discuss my personal affairs with you".*

I think this is perfect, it’s not rude or confrontational but doesn’t give her any wiggle room

It’s hard and I totally understand your reluctance with confronting the CFkery going on right now. I wouldn’t like having to be responsible for someone else’s dc, which is now a daily occurrence. I loved pick up time with Ds and the thought of having that time altered by someone else’s demands would really annoy me, especially as they have an agreement with their employers!

In the grand scheme of things though this is a relatively new friendship, I presume brought about by your dc attending the same school. You have many years ahead of the school run and you do need to nip this in the bud.

How though?

There are great posts on here. Whether you choose to offer one day a week or just simply let her know that you’re unable to do anymore drop offs, that it’s not convenient, there are things you’ve not been able to do and you’re not always going straight home or able to take a 10 minute detour! Breezily say that she’s lucky she does have such great employers who have let her do the school run.

She may need the direct approach and if this affects your friendship then she wasn’t a great friend in the first place.

Hope you can sort this out.

If you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it, there is nothing she can say to that
I wouldn't count on silence, I'm she'll try and find a way around you.

You are going to have to be strong and stay strong.
"I won't be doing this any more. I didn't mind helping out occaissionally but this has become too much of a habit and is too inconvinient. pay for a childminder you CF"

OP it was a bit misleading to call the babysitter a "nanny", since she isn't anything of the sort. I was wondering if nannies come cheaper if they don't drive, and that's why your friend employs her...

It's not your problem, and "No, I don't want to any more" is fine to say. Since your CF friend isn't British, she won't be offended by any straight talking (although she might be annoyed she'll have to start stirring her arse to either collect her child herself or make a different arrangement, like a childminder instead of her friend's DD as babysitter. Which would be more sensible anyway, even if it's more expensive.

Just say you have plans after school and can’t commit to picking up her child anymore. It doesn’t have to be confrontational.

My ndn has 2 kids at another school from my 3. She recently asked me if I could or if one of my friends (also with 3 kids) could pick her kids up from school and then stay with them until 4pm until she gets home from work. I was actually shocked. I told her I’d ask my friend but I really couldn’t commit to something like that as I’d need to be home quickly to get to work (I work evenings) and I couldn’t do the detour.

I don’t get why people can’t plan their childcare appropriately but expect free help, picking up AND babysitting them until 4pm! I think I’m a nice neighbour, but fuck I hate school runs anyway, why the hell would I want to do it twice with someone else’s kids?!!

Clearly OPs 'friend' is doing everything on the cheap, including not hiring a proper nanny but a younger person who can't drive and probably not employing her according to the law - she's at the CFery all over the shop!

"No I can't I don't want to do it any more" - that's the long and the short of it isn't it, just say that. Goodness me.

MumW you're not getting it are you - if you give a chink of hope to people like this, within a few weeks OP'll be back to doing it every single day again! That's how these people operate, you can't give them any in to having you running round them at their beck and call.

I've never been afflicted by a CF but surely people recognise the type and understand they have no scruples, no embarrassment at taking the utter piss out of other people, of wantonly using people without a single thought for any negative impact it might be having on them - they don't care! - they are not like us, they don't feel guilt or rude whatsoever in treating out people like their personal lackeys / servants.

What use is a childminder who can't collect from school?

Just another thought.

Does your school provide wraparound care? Can’t CF use after school club? Also, are there no bus routes, is it not possible for the ‘nanny’ to walk?

I paid for school club throughout Ds Primary years. I couldn’t have lumbered another school mum/Dad with pick ups!

Does your school provide wraparound care? Can’t CF use after school club

But she’d have to pay!

What’s your plan, fro699?

Does your school provide wraparound care? Can’t CF use after school club?

I bet she could but it costs money. If you get free pick ups and babysitting, it’s better than having to pay. Much like my cf neighbour.

I would just offer to drop her son home one fixed day per week ie Thursday. If she asks why just say that you felt she was taking advantage of you 🤷🏽‍♀️

I also think that being direct is best. Say that this is becoming far too regular. More than happy to help in a genuine emergency which is unlikely to be more than once or twice a year. The constant requests are taking away any spontaneity for you and your DC.

A friend was in this situation and kindly explained to cf that her family had taken a financial hit so that she could be a SAHM and be there for her own DC. Not be be free childcare for CF. She had given up being subtle. Only being straight worked.

What DoinItFortheKids and Rossiter said. Just text the pisstaking bitch already! ONE simple text. Rinse and repeat. The fuck it's 'cultural', she just sees you as a pushover she can use, and you are. 'Don't like confrontation' spells 'Mug I can use' to the CF.

The people telling you to tie yourself in knots negotiating with the CF by offering her free childcare are just as much of a sucker as you are.

here

And don't suggest alternatives for her or research clubs or 'just emergencies' because this person has already shown she doesn't respect boundaries, hence why she shows up at the school yard with a fucking car seat to foist on you. She already sees you as there to do her bidding.

I would text her today to give the heads up not to bring her fucking car seat into school tomorrow (who does this without arranging shit first?!)

It also means you can get the initial - no this isn’t working for me - done in a text which. I doubt will be easier than face to face. (Id turn the phone to silent once text was sent)

Simple
"I arrange my life so that I can collect my son and relax after school. Collecting your child stops me doing that. I can no longer do this so please don't ask me.

Just say no. It's really easy!

Nope, you DON'T give any reasons or reasoning for why - it's none of her business whatsoever why AJP - she'll just take whatever 'reason' OP says and take it as an opportunity to keep using her.

She just says NO, I don't want to. End of.

I can't even believe she brings the fucking car seat for OP to carry to the car, fit it..... what an utterly cheeky bitch she is!!!

• no doubt be easier than face to face

Sorry typing with sleeping toddler

can't even believe she brings the fucking car seat for OP to carry to the car, fit it..... what an utterly cheeky bitch she is!!!

I can’t believe it either.

I would actually be so cross at that, there would be no way I would ever allow myself to take it out of her hand.

You need to practise your ‘you’re having a fucking laugh?!’ look in the mirror.

Yes, send her a text OP, otherwise she'll keep on doin the same thing.
This way, you can make your point heard, with no interruption or manipulation. Good luck, it's a new week, start as you mean to go on.

If you text her you won't have to deal with her at the gate.
"I wanted to give you a heads up so you can get sorted, I won't be able to drop x off any more"
If she texts back why
"I helped as a one off and it's become a burden"

Just no. People like this take the absolute piss. Tell her you won't do pick up anymore. You don't need to give her any reason. Just a simple no.