School run - always asked but never reciprocated

[Fro611]

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

Jesus Christ OP this woman is totally taking advantage.

This is primary school, just how far are we talking? Why can the nanny not just walk. Just be assertive and say “sorry xxx, I am not your nanny and I am not prepared to take zzz home”. It is that simple. She is not your friend she is just an acquaintance, once you say no a few times you may find she is no longer interested in you.

I live rural. About half the parents live in walking distance of the village school. The rest of us have to drive due to distance and/or lack of safe walking route (country roads, no lighting, no footpaths). A ten minute detour for a pickup would be fairly normal here once you factor in parking and handing over the child at the other end.

No isn't a complete sentence if you are over 2 and have any social skills.

She's taking the absolute piss OP. You need to choose between womaning up and telling her to do one or just putting up with it. Choose option 1 and she is likely to drop you - it isn't much of a loss as far as I can see but hey ho.

Send her a text and if she leaves the car seat at school tell them you haven't agreed to it! None of this stuff nanny not driving etc is your problem.

In all this, the most baffling thing to me is that she has a job local enough that she’s able to duck out for what, half an hour to do pick up but doesn’t. I’ve heard of school hours, flexi hrs allowing an early start and early finish etc. This just seems an odd set up and I suspect it doesn’t exist!

So rude. She’s totally using you. Just say it’s not working for for me anymore, I feel to rushed and you’ll have to find someone else to do it. What can she say? Nothing. If it’s not working, it’s not working. Vague but obvious she can’t keep asking you.

Just to give you a comparison... I’ve just helped a friend out for the last few weeks. All organised in advance. She has insisted on giving some cash to make up for expenses and is taking our family out for tea as a treat to say thank-you. Neither were needed but both appreciated. Your friend should be bending over backwards to show she is grateful - because that’s what reasonable people do. If a friend she should be explaining why she is in a bind and needs help with x. Presumably she is just comfortable with asking for help. She is using - whether she consciously means to all not - your uncomfortableness in saying no to her advantage. She won’t even notice it really. If you don’t want to do it you’ll have to blunt. If you are prepared to do x number you need again to be clear.

“She has insisted on giving some cash to make up for expenses and is taking our family out for tea as a treat to say thank-you. ”

I would be really embarrassed if I helped a friend out and she insisted on doing all that. Particularly the money, unless it had cost me loads.

I find it really annoying that SAHM's are so looked down on but then some people are happy to leverage off their availability. Your "friend" is a CF'er. She is able to work FT because she has other people picking up her slack for her. She has school mums dropping her DC home and she has a useless nanny who can't drive. Seriously, who hires a nanny who can't drive? I'll tell you who, someone who wants one on the cheap.

As a parent and a SAHM I do things for other people but I only do them for people who I know will return the favour if I have a problem or for someone who is struggling.

In all this, the most baffling thing to me is that she has a job local enough that she’s able to duck out for what, half an hour to do pick up but doesn’t. I’ve heard of school hours, flexi hrs allowing an early start and early finish etc. This just seems an odd set up and I suspect it doesn’t exist!

I know quite a few people who work from home and have it agreed that they can nip out on the school run. The work gets done-I don’t think it’s too unusual.

Teateaandmoretea
It is when you are dealing with CF who will use any further info to manipulate you.

I don’t like conversations like these either, so I’d be inclined to do it by text. Avoid her, wait for her cf text and respond “I don’t mind helping you out occasionally if it’s an emergency, but this is becoming an almost daily routine. You need to start picking x up yourself, sorry”

Why do so many MNers have MUG tattooed on their forehead?

If it’s not inconvenient, why wouldn’t you do it?

She’s not working from home though happyshopping.

I dunno highfever I'm not someone who CFs take advantage of. Prevention is better than cure imo. The last person who tried any cheeky fuckery with me I just laughed and pretended I thought she was joking. I still think 'I'm sorry but that doesn't work for us' is a lot better and is a proper sentence. Standing there saying 'no' you'd look a bit nuts I think.

Teateaandmoretea yes I agree in person I use that phrase now. Via text first thing in morning if necessary I'd be just send No.

Stop pussy footing about and just tell her straight you don't mind helping out when shes in a real jam but you have your own child to look after. If she is not able to pick him up until later she should look at after school club. Or the nanny can......wait for it......walk and pick the kid up on foot. My kids walk 45 minutes home the days my partner has our car for work. It makes it almost a 2 hour round trip time they come out for me but i do it because i am mum. The nanny is being paid to look after the child you are not so be straight. She can either stop asking, pay you or pay for your costs if your willing to do so. Failing that she can pick her own kid up or find a job that allows her to do so.

I have come across many cf parents at school, honestly some of them are 😮
If you like her you just need to be blunt with her, she sounds like one of those people who will constantly push it!!
Tell her, I will do it in an absolute emergency but it's becoming too regular.

Has the OP disappeared?

Please don't tell her you wiill do this in a real emergency. I did this and this is how the CF continued to impose on me. Everything was an emergency. She would ask me to have her DS the next morning by email at 11 pm at night - as if I would log on to my computer and check emails at that time of night. So of course it was ALWAYS an emergency. And your definition of emergency will be very far apart.
if you say help in emergency she will take that to = still available.
You need to get her to go cod turkey or she will never look for alternatives. She might ease off for a week or so as mine did but will be back with her difficult life and problems which she wants you to sort out. Keep the emergency option open and you will have endless emotional blackmail "I thought you were a friend".. "You know I'd help you (once a year for show) ,, There's no one else I can ask... My boss is very difficult. She already knows you are kind and helpful and don't like confrontation so she will use this to make you feel back and at the back of that there is a little threat that she will tell the other mums . None of that is worth putting up with what she is doing to you at the moment and will continue to do unless you cut off the supply completely. Make other friend and other commitments that suit you or you will find that you are making constant concessions to fit in with what has become consistent service to her. Sorry I know it sounds hard and offering emergency help sounds nice but it doesn't work.

*cold Turkey - although other turkeys are available.

Yep, checked out four days ago.

I would just say “I don’t mind picking him up for emergencies” (real family emergencies not ‘oh I have a meeting I can’t move’) “but I think you need to make permanent arrangements to pick your son up from school”

Reading PP ignore what I said ha! People really are CF aren’t they!