School run - always asked but never reciprocated

[Fro611]

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

[Fro611]

I like the suggestion on sending her the bill

Maybe it’s a British thing and I’m being overly polite. She isn’t originally from UK so there may be a cultural difference in how much people ask of each other...

[SophieTurnersEyebrows]

Her reaction to you saying no will be revealing OP - if she's arsey then you know the friendship was about what she could get out of you.

[JaneyJimplin]

I can understand why you don't want to be rude or blunt, as you want to preserve the friendship, but I think you just need to make her aware of what you're comfortable with. Otherwise your resentment will grow and the friendship will die anyway.

I would text "Hi Sandra. Lately, I've noticed you ask me nearly every day to pick Jamelia up for you. I don't mind doing it in a genuine emergency if it's not very often, but I cant do it as a regular/daily thing. It's a hassle for me to have 2 children to get across the road and in to car seats etc, and to then go 10 minutes out of my way when Sophie is really tired and just wants to get home. I know it's more convenient for you, but it's really inconvenient for me!
Can you make an alternative arrangement from now on if you're unable to collect her yourself as I won't be able help any more. Hope you understand. See you soon x "

[Juells]

If it's an emergency, then I can help out,

Then every day is an emergency. You can't offer CFs an inch.

[FuckOffMeadowSoprano]

"Actually I'm really struggling with a few things at the moment. I was wondering if you could do Tuesday and Thursday for me going forward, since I've done so much in the past. Thanks so much."

[dopeydogg]

I would just ignore her messages.

[DointItForTheKids]

Oh my GOD!!!! Why must OP negotiate with this woman - she shouldn't, stop telling her to appease this stupid bloody woman! And don't tell OP to offer this or offer that - this woman is a CF, she'll take that offer and start taking the piss and ramping it up again - this is I'm sorry to say OP, one of those times you have to stand up for yourself - that's life.

You KNOW she's taking the piss - tell her no no no I can't do it over and over, she'll soon get the message.

OP, read the book The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k, please!

[CallMeVito]

I don't really see anything wrong in asking people, considering they are adults and can just say "no sorry" if they don't want to.

If you keep saying no, and she still keep asking, she is not taking the hing. Just keep saying no, you don't have to ramble on with excuses. A 10 mn drive is a massive detour! In primary schools around here, you would be so far out of catchment! I understand some areas have a much wider catchment, but it's still a ridiculous ask.

Why can't the nanny take public transport anyway? It's her problem if she doesn't drive, that shouldn't stop her doing her job.

[CallMeVito]

*hinT

[Loopytiles]

Cheeky fuckery on her part.

You’ve been passive about it.

Possible text back: “I don’t wish to take Jonny home from school on more than on the odd occasion: please ask me for this favour much less frequently”.

[Jaxhog]

You need to tell her straight that you don't mind helping out in an emergency, but you can't do this on a regular basis. She may need reminding of how often she is asking you, as she may be in denial about it. Make it clear that an emergency isn't because she has a meeting. It's a 'once in a blue moon' thing e.g. accident etc.

[CallMeVito]

You need to tell her straight that you don't mind helping out in an emergency

once again, define emergency...

[Iwantdaffodils]

Well, if she's not from the UK I'll give her the benefit of the doubt - she may be used to a more direct way of dealing with people rather than what appears as British hypocrisy of saying nothing but moaning behind her back.
It's not confrontational to say you can't help her any more as it's inconveniencing you.

[Fro611]

When I say “Nanny” she is actually more of an “babysitter” (daughter of a friend or something?) who watches the son for a few hours rather than a professional nanny as such...although she is capable of attending the school to do pickup and has before.

[Godowneasy]

If you dont tell her you don't want to do the pick ups anymore , then she won't know- she's not a mindreader and you seem to have given her the mesage that you're ok with it. SHe is a CF though

Just text her NOW -today, right now- so she has time to organise herself for the coming weeyears

All you need to say is '' Just letting you know that I don't want to do your school pick ups anymore, so please make other arrangements as from tomorrow. Fancy a coffee next week? ''.

You don't owe her an explanantion or an apology. If she comes back at you, then if you wanted to explain a little furthe, just tell her you want one on one time with your son after school. She really cant argue about that, but if she does, then a swift, ''I don't want to discuss it any further. Thanks'' should shut down the conversation.

Now, send her that text -otherwise you'll be continueing pick ups this week.

[Roussette]

Agree with DoinitForTheKids. Why does the OP have to negotiate with the CFer? I just don't understand it. Where is it written down that the OP has agreed to do this ad infinitum, unless she negotiates anything different.
Nowhere!

When she asks you next time I would honestly just say..
"I've done this a lot for you over many months, I just don't want to do it anymore"
Do not say anything else otherwise you are negotiating and as I said above, you really don't have to.

If she asks why... just say again and again "I just don't want to do it, that's why".

[whatifI]

Walkacrossthesand

I guess it's about thinking about your wording so you have a response prepared. 'I didn't mind doing it when it was now and again to help you out, but it's become every day now and I don't want to do it every day, it becomes a burden, so I'm going to have to say no. Sorry. Hope you manage to sort out something else. Bye'.

She needs a nanny who drives, if the school run involves driving and she can't/doesn't want to do it herself. Stand firm!


This ^

[anniehm]

I think she needs a needs a new nanny. Even if she has permission to nip out of work it's not really a good thing to do long term, nor is calling in favours.

[Loopytiles]

Unless a relative the carer will legally be a nanny. But your friend’s childcare arrangements are not your problem. You have essentially been providing her with childcare at your expense.

[Monestasi]

OP you said ‘maybe it’s a cultural thing’. It is on your part. I’m a fellow Brit, and with all my respect you are being a bit of a pushover.

I’ve learnt to toughen up over the years living out of the UK. We do seem to be afflicted with this put up shut up mentality. Bless us on that.

This is actually a worthwhile exercise in tightening personal boundaries. I would simply be honest and say that you DONT WANT to do this on a regular basis. You owe her no explanation, but given you do value the friendship, and I know there are always nuances involved... Perhaps a text saying that it’s causing a problem with some of your immediate after school plans.

I’m now loathe to pussy foot around cheeky fuckery and think honesty is best policy. You are unhappy with this - and I do think she is taking the piss. Just be as upfront as she is in her constant asking of you.

[Holidayshopping]

So she is happily pocketing the cash you’re saving her from the school run (plus not having to go out in the rain!) whilst getting money from working full time whilst you run around after her child earning nothing.

You’re a SAHM, yes? Well...I’m sure she’ll remember you when she’s paid her mortgage off and is collecting her pension and will look after you.

No?

[TBDO]

I don’t think it’s a cultural thing - it’s you being a pushover and her being a CF!

If you said no, it doesn’t work for me and stop asking as I’m unable to help out, what can she do? She’ll either stop or make you feel bad. The latter means she’s not the friend you think she she is.

[Berthatydfil]

So she has a nanny who presumably she is paying the market rate - but doesn’t want to pay out for taxis- does she imagine your car runs on fresh air and sunshine ? Those extra 10 minutes every day add up to nearly an hour of stop start running wear and tear mileage and fuel on your car at your expense. She’s a huge cf.
I think you need to point this out to her next time she asks.
To be honest Muriel I’ve noticed this is getting to be a regular thing. I don’t want to fall out with you but I have to be honest I’m going to have to say no as I don’t want to make it a regular expectation. You have your nanny so it’s not always an emergency. Its not always convenient and I have to go out of my way to get to yours. It doesn’t seem quite fair for me to use my car to run those extra few miles so often when you have already said you don’t want to pay a cab fare for your nanny.

[ineedtostopbeingsolazy]

The most ridiculous thing in all of this is that she hired a nanny that doesn't drive

[SilverySurfer]

topology444
To be honest in the overall picture it is much better if you take the child: Less traffic, less pollution, and one fewer stressed mother rushing to school. At least I appreciate what you are doing and I would not be surprised if some fellow parents also do so too. I also don't see that it is such a good time to spend with your parent, if the parent rushes to school, rushes home and then hands the child to the nanny to go back to work. For your friend it must be extremely stressfull and honestly it is a very bad set-up (which is not your problem.). I would offer one or two days a week and make sure she knows that you do her a huge favour. I am sure she already knows this but is desperate.

I can only assume you are the CF friend to write such nonsense.

OP. don't preface any response with 'sorry', do not offer once or twice a week or in an emergency. Just say 'I can't do that as I don't want to be tied down. DC and I may decide to go the park/petting zoo/visit friends/skating/swimming/trampolening/etc on the spur of the moment and we can't do that if I have to take your child (name) home. It's fortunate that your employers are so accommodating re pickups.
Hope to see you soon ....'

I hope you won't miss her as a friend, you shouldn't as she's not a good one is she? I suspect she will move on to the next 'friend' victim pretty swiftly.