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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run - always asked but never reciprocated

262 replies

Fro611 · 27/01/2019 08:58

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 27/01/2019 20:33

What a head wreck. I understand that it's difficult to say no when you want to maintain the friendship. However the longer you go on the more resentment you will feel towards her. It's best to nip it in the bud now - tonight - and you've been given great ideas of what to text. Keep it very simple. "Just letting you know I won't be in a position to bring Johnny home after school from now on". End of! No doubt she'll reply asking why and you simply need to say "it just doesn't suit". Surely she will cop on and while she may be pissed off for a few days, if she is your friend then she'll get over it. Then when you do meet up don't bring it up in conversation. If she does, simply say again it wasn't suiting me. Don't ask if she sorted anything else. You don't need to know or care.

RoboticSealpup · 27/01/2019 20:41

I wouldn't want to be friends with such a selfish, disrespectful asshole. Just tell her that you don't want to pick up her child every day as you have enough on your plate with your own family. Wtf is she thinking, asking you to do things just because she "wants to leave work early" or whatever. Yeah, we all fucking"want" things, don't we?

chuttypicks · 27/01/2019 20:46

FGS just say no!! There are variations of this post at least twice a week lately and it's ridiculous. Put on your big girl pants and tell her that her child is not your responsibility and she needs to pick him up herself or arrange someone else to do it. Tell her you enjoy spending that precious time alone with your own DC.

RoboticSealpup · 27/01/2019 21:06

Tell her you enjoy spending that precious time alone with your own DC.

Or just don't give her any explanation! Because it should be obvious to anyone with a brain that you don't just ask other people to take on your responsibilities whenever it suits you!

SilverySurfer · 27/01/2019 21:28

RandomMess
I would just offer to drop her son home one fixed day per week ie Thursday. If she asks why just say that you felt she was taking advantage of you 🤷🏽‍♀️

No, please don't do this OP, it's the thin end of the wedge.

Drum2018 · 27/01/2019 22:14

DointItForTheKids just ordered that book on my kindle for 99p. Look forward to reading it Smile

DointItForTheKids · 27/01/2019 22:39

Oh great stuff! I read it and found thankfully I was already practising the method (yay!), but it's still a good read! It does make it clear that you can be assertive and you don't have to be horrible to people in order to be so, and that there is a freedom to be released from this (in reality) non-existent pressure to say yes to everybody all the time when you really don't want to.

sahknowme · 27/01/2019 23:16

CF reminds me of the lead character in Motherland

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/01/2019 00:04

When I say “Nanny” she is actually more of an “babysitter” (daughter of a friend or something?) who watches the son for a few hours rather than a professional nanny as such

Does she actually employ and pay the friend's daughter, or does she just ask her to help out in emergencies - which just so happen to arise every single day?

Notice that these people are very happy to delegate the care of their own children to other people as a 'favour', as it's too much trouble to parent their own kids themselves (or arrange and pay somebody win an official capacity) - but it's never too much trouble for them when it comes to claiming and keeping the child benefit for their own children rather than using it towards paying for parenting/childcare costs.

As PP have said, don't give her any inroads by offering one or two days a week or only 'emergencies'. You, like most people, understand what the word 'emergency' actually means but people like her see it as the magic password they need to use to access whatever convenient services they require at any given time.

CFs always take your kindness in offering the maximum of what you can manage at a stretch as the bare minimum to which they're entitled (i.e. you owe it to them) and use it as a base for invariably increasing it bit by bit by bit.

You said yourself that she makes you feel like you 'owe' her if you say No one day. Why ever should that be the case? Why is the default that you should be her free servant and you have to justify if you don't want to be one?

I too would be interested to see how long the 'friendship' survives once you're only available to her as an equal and not as a servant. CFs are expert at playing the long game. It's the same principle that controlling and abusive partners use. If you wonder why anybody would get together with an abuser, it's because they're expert at hiding it at first until you feel you're committed to them. They're all sweetness and light at the beginning and do just enough to make you feel duty-bound to them.

You are a nice, decent person and think that they're basically also a really nice person who just happens to constantly treat you abusively, without even stopping to think that there's obviously no such thing.

They don't occasionally meet you for coffee or similar because they're your friend and they want to - they treat it as a necessary down-payment, an investment to fool and bind you, and expect their manifold dividends from it for a long time to come.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/01/2019 00:18

I also don't see that it is such a good time to spend with your parent, if the parent rushes to school, rushes home and then hands the child to the nanny to go back to work. For your friend it must be extremely stressfull and honestly it is a very bad set-up (which is not your problem.). I would offer one or two days a week and make sure she knows that you do her a huge favour. I am sure she already knows this but is desperate.

Yes, it may be inconvenient for the parent (although much less so than for parents whose employers don't happily let them do the school pick-up with the not-unreasonable request that she make up her hours at another time).

Yes, it can't be pleasant for the child - especially if he realises that his mum could easily pick him up (and has specifically arranged for this), but just can't really be bothered to and would rather knock off early instead.

No, none of this is in any way the OP's responsibility. Most parents struggle at times and have to carefully arrange things around their children's needs - that's exactly what being a parent is and can hardly come as a surprise to those who choose to become one.

I'm sure the mum realises what a cushy number she's wangled herself. Actually, maybe she doesn't - maybe she sees it that she's 'earned' it with her carefully-planned cunning guile or just feels naturally entitled and that the world revolves around her (her world certainly doesn't revolve around her child). However, she has very clearly demonstrated that she most certainly doesn't acknowledge it as a huge favour or value the OP as a person in her own right.

How can she possibly be desperate every day for somebody to pick her child up from school when she is in the rare position of having an employer who has actively agreed to arrange her working hours so that she can pick up her own child?

seething1234 · 28/01/2019 00:41

Be interesting to know if she is docked pay when out doing school runs..... I became someone's "emergency". I had to leave full time work as I just can't manage 3 different school pick ups yet my friend worked full time (whilst not paying a penny to her mum to mind kids) and instead of paying for after school club she was using me when gran couldn't pick them up. Emergencies were happening all too often.

Aventurine · 28/01/2019 08:38

It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house That's quite a big detour!

Holidayshopping · 28/01/2019 08:39

The school doesn’t sound terribly close to either of you!

FrancisCrawford · 28/01/2019 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaturdayNext · 28/01/2019 09:00

How has it gone this morning, OP?

Porridgeoat · 28/01/2019 09:01

“How about you do pick ups for both the children Monday, Tuesday and alternative wednesdays. I’ll do alternative Wednesdays, Thursday and Friday pickups for both children ”

Holidayshopping · 28/01/2019 09:31

Who’s picking the child up today?!

Poachedeggs1 · 28/01/2019 12:30

She’s completely taking advantage of your good nature. She’s also got no intentions of ever offering to do the school run & take your son home. I’ve been in a similar situation, and then I realised that my relationship with my own child was suffering because we couldn’t have our daily chats or impromptu park visits. I also realised my friend was being completely selfish.
A simple “no, sorry I can’t help today”. If she’s a true friend, she’ll speak to you and realise that she’s been completely out of order. If she stops texting, then she wasn’t really ever a friend in the first place.

Good luck

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 28/01/2019 12:57

She does seem apologetic when she asks me (every day!!) so I know she's not stupid and is aware that it's a bit much

No, she's aware that if she seems apologetic, you'll feel sorry for her and not stand up for yourself!

Why don't you ask her to babysit one evening? That's quite a good way to check if she is willing to reciprocate with help

Ethel36 · 28/01/2019 13:12

Just carry on what you're doing. Keep making excuses e.g I can't sorry I'm not going straight home afterwards. Regardless of whether there is a car seat waiting for you in reception! She will get the message ...eventually!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/01/2019 13:16

Try being on the phone when she next approaches you ! Wave her away and say ‘on the phone can talk’

Then ignore her text , or send a ‘sorry cant’

Curious if you do this how long she will persist for

Fuck me ! Some people

TrollQueen · 28/01/2019 13:23

She's a shit friend who should have hired a nanny or CM that can drive.

RoboticSealpup · 28/01/2019 13:26

I can't believe she leaves her car seat in reception for you! I would be boiling with rage at the presumptuousness if I were you. I think the pp who said she has "invested" in creating an illusion of friendship with you so that she can use you for free childcare is bang on the money, unfortunately.

Hugless · 28/01/2019 13:56

I sometimes ask ppl we trust to pick up the kids from school but I always ensure they know they can contact me and ask to return a favor. School runs can be PITA and having few trusted ppl with a spare car seat in the boot is a blessing.

Few years ago our friends used to take both our kids to school in the morning (every day)- we offered money, they declined. I think they almost felt offended...

If it's really annoying you, which it is by the look of it, just stop doing it and if you really feel the need to explain yourself just say "I'm going shopping"...

SleepWarrior · 28/01/2019 14:32

I'd speak to her when she's not about to dash off to work.

Just state simply that whilst you were happy to help in principle when she has a genuine emergency, it's becoming far too much and feels like she's trying to use you for regular (free) childcare. If it was a formal, paid arrangement that would be one thing, but you really don't want to be a childminder and enjoy the possibility of being able to do things after school with your son whenever you want. Sorry!