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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run - always asked but never reciprocated

262 replies

Fro611 · 27/01/2019 08:58

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

OP posts:
flumpybear · 27/01/2019 10:16

I'd broach the problem
Dear xxx
I've noticed these last few weeks that you're leaning on me to collect your child which doesn't t work for me. If your job no longer allows you to leave for pick up you'll need to source a new way to cover such as your nanny getting a taxi, you changing your hours, your husband changing his hours. In an emergency i don't mind, I'm sure you'd do the same for me or other friends, but I cannot commit to every day

flumpybear · 27/01/2019 10:17

Oh and yes, currently acting like an entitled CF .... warn other parents she may target!

TowelNumber42 · 27/01/2019 10:19

She knows she is being cheeky and isn't bothered about the effect on your friendship because she thinks you are OK with the cheeky.

You know she's being cheeky but are hugely bothered about the effect on the friendship if you have to pull her up on it.

See, she's a CF, she thinks she is within your acceptable bounds because you have been leading her to believe it is OK. Even when you say no with an excuse which suggests you would have been OK with it except for A,B,C. No wonder she keeps trying.

You realise you are being a bad friend by lying to her about your willingness, right? You are expecting her to mind read to save the friendship when you could just tell her you are keeping pickups to just you and yours.

Milliepede · 27/01/2019 10:20

She is not being unreasonable to ask. It isnt out of your way, you are going anyway, and it saves her a job. She could be more grateful, but I don't see why it bothers you

Er no, it is n ot someone else's responsibility to get your kids to school

Juells · 27/01/2019 10:21

She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run.

I'd wonder about this as well - either she doesn't want to be bothered leaving work to do the pickup, because it's more convenient to have you do it...or she doesn't have permission at all, and just said that to draw you in to the arrangement until you were used to it.

Yulebealrite · 27/01/2019 10:24

Sorry I can't do more than the odd emergency pick up from now on. X normally opens up in the car on the way home and hasn't been able to recently. It's affecting him and our relationship so want to get back to having that time together again. I'm sure you understand.

crimsonlake · 27/01/2019 10:28

A 10 minute detour when you are driving is no small thing, you are using up your petrol. Keep saying no, she is taking advantage of you.

pictish · 27/01/2019 10:29

Pleasant, cheerful and calm.

“I’ve been meaning to bring up the school pick-ups. I have obligations left, right and centre and have decided I need to withdraw from this one. I want to be able to attend to things after school without the responsibility of getting (friend’s child) home. You’ll need to sort something else out with work or your nanny. I know it’s a pain but I really can’t help with it any more.”

starzig · 27/01/2019 10:30

Just the occasional no needs to creep in. Enough to make her realise without falling out over it.

pictish · 27/01/2019 10:31

10 minutes is out of her way!

I chased a CF colleague off recently who cheerfully told me I could give her a lift to and from work seeing as she is 10 minutes from me.
Dear reader: I did not agree.

pictish · 27/01/2019 10:33

Just the occasional no needs to creep in?!
And still be doing all the school pick ups this time next year? Nah nah.

Just be honest and direct. You’re under no obligation here and if she reacts as though you are, she is no loss as a ‘friend’. Friends don’t claim ownership over your time to preserve their own.

Juells · 27/01/2019 10:34

When you supply reasons why you don't want to do something, CFs problem-solve for you, keep on coming up with solutions for your problem.

A cynical part of me wonders if the reason why you two became such lovely friends is because she found you lived near her, and could be used as a delivery service.

Suggest she takes her lunch-break later and uses the time to pick her child up. I must admit that I'd be getting in a snot at this stage, and becoming much less polite.

Holidayshopping · 27/01/2019 10:34

think some plain speaking, saying what you mean, might be a plan: "Why do you need to ask me every day? I don't mind helping out once in awhile if youre stuck, but this is too much"

Perfect

ichifanny · 27/01/2019 10:37

Op I had a similar situation except my neighbour wanted me to take her daughter to school so she could get to the gym early . I did it for a few weeks but she became so entitled and inconsiderate of the fact it was my time that I told her I couldn’t do it anymore .
Even if it’s not out of your way it’s getting treated like someone’s ‘ help’ or lackey I didn’t like , I’m not there to facilitate someone else’s life , it’s quite frankly exhausting and annoying .
I’d say to her that you don’t mind helping out on an emergency but that you unfortunately can’t commit to every day and it’s not something you want to set a precedent for .

ichifanny · 27/01/2019 10:39

My own time with my children is important to me especially if I’m home off work the last thing I want to be doing is acting as unpaid childcare / transport for someone else . These are precious times .

Iloveautumnleaves · 27/01/2019 10:39

Set up an autophrase on your phone. ‘No, sorry, we have plans afterschool’. Send the exact same text every single time. It saves you having to think up excuses and ‘play nice’. If it’s the exact same phrase she’ll get the hint. Then frankly, I’d expect her to stop being your ‘friend’ because she’s not and she’ll need her energy to con others.

I’m more than happy to help people that need it, or to do a favour for someone who just wants to be elsewhere at that time, but not every bloody day simply because they can’t be arsed.

I love pick up time as they’re at their most chatty, I wouldn’t sacrifice that daily for a CF like her.

echt · 27/01/2019 10:39

She's not a friend, as you will discover the moment you stop being useful to her.

pictish · 27/01/2019 10:40

Yeah I’d go with that too. I’m quite direct.

“I don’t mind helping out once in a while but every day is too much. I don’t want the daily responsibility of getting (her child) home.”

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 27/01/2019 10:40

I also don't like being forced into constantly making up excuses so as to save face on the friendship.

Why are you so bothered about maintaining the friendship? Presumably if you became friendly when your children started school you've only known her for 4-5 months and after realising you are useful to her, she's now abusing that friendship. I'd remain friendly towards her, but don't stress about being friends as such.

When she asks just reply with " No, I can't." You don't have to give her reasons, give details of what you are doing after school, or make up excuses.

Iloveautumnleaves · 27/01/2019 10:41

I’d say to her that you don’t mind helping out on an emergency

I wouldn’t be even say that! In an ‘emergency’ all the has to do is pay for a taxi for the nanny to go.

pictish · 27/01/2019 10:42

Yep Autumn that’s very true. An emergency means paying for a cab for nanny.

blueskiesandforests · 27/01/2019 10:42

My next door neighbor cleans the primary school during after school club (which is run in a seperate part of the building) and drives her son home afterwards. Two days per week I can't get to after school club before it closes and she drives dc3 home too and drops him off home where my teenager is in charge til I get home. I pay her 25€ a month because it's a regular thing, even though she lives next door and is doing the drive anyway. In return she treats it as a commitment and if she's ill and not cleaning or her son's ill her mum, who lives nextdoor to her on the other side, always picks him up instead.

You have to treat regular favours on a more formal basis I think.

ichifanny · 27/01/2019 10:43

You are right an emergency to a cheeky fucker is them having to go out of their own way so she would still take the piss .

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 27/01/2019 10:46

You also don't have to apologise, so no, "sorry I can't".
Somebody else gave a perfect response about replying "No, we have plans after school." Even if those plans are going straight home, that's fine.

pictish · 27/01/2019 10:46

Yes don’t explain, justify or offer apologies. This will simply give her something to work with. As you say, she behaves as though you owe her a pick up if you can’t do one for any reason. She crossed the line ages ago.
Have no fear. Just say no.