School run - always asked but never reciprocated

[Fro611]

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

[PositivelyPERF]

You say she is your friend, but do you meet for coffee, go out for a drink have reciprocal play dates? Or is it more of a school gate friendship?

It’s not just costing you ten minutes, OP. Not by the time you faff around with the car seat and her child. As a poster has previously suggested, just tell her you want to be able to spend that t8me in the car with your own child, as you have looked forward to seeing each other all day, or tell her NO!

[ichifanny]

Do you actually sss this person outside of school or talk to her beyond her asking you to do pick up ? Hardly sounds like a friendship I’d be worrying about preserving

[ichifanny]

See not sss

[Roussette]

I imagine that she has permission from work to do school pick up and on the days she doesn't, she can have that half an hour/hour to leave work early. So ... on the days you do it, she can leave at 4.30pm. On the days she has to do it, she has to stay till 5.30pm.

She said she asked you once so she can leave work early. That'll be why.

All those that say... tell her you'll do it twice a week. Why? She's not going to lose her job because she has to pick up her child, so just why? I would help out in an emergency, but that's it.

[BookwormMe2]

I can't believe the CF stands in the playground with the car seat ready to shove at you! I would be livid - she's treating you like hired help except she's not even paying you! Seriously OP, you need to nip this in the bud. Next time she grabs you or texts you, just say no, she needs to find alternative arrangements, you can't be a permanent taxi service for her going forward. If she's a genuine friend, she'll understand and be mortified she's abused your kind nature but I suspect she'll flounce off when she realises her meal ticket has run out.

[FlipF]

You don’t need to be rude or confrontational but you do need to be honest and straightforward. I would deal with this by speaking with her. I’d say something along the lines that you want to be honest with her and give her the heads up that you are feeling that you are being taken advantage of. I’d point out that she is asking almost everyday and that she doesn’t ever offer to drop your kid off. Then you have to be REALLY honest with what you are and are not ok with doing. If you genuinely don’t mind doing the occasional favour but that you expect the favour to be returned then TELL HER and if you don’t ever want to give lifts then TELL HER. Don’t be wish washy. I get that it’s awkward but in the long run it’s better and simpler for everyone. She’s your friend and you should be able to talk to her.
Making up excuses is a bit wet.

[Mix56]

I'd tell her upfront that you feel she is taking advantage by asking you to take responsibility every day for her kid and offer absolutely nothing in return. You are not her unpaid nanny, it is a f'ing fag with the chair, all so as her life is more convenient, and there is a limit to friendly goodwill, especially when there is nothing to stop her picking her own child up, anyway. why would you have a nanny who doesn't drive if you have school runs that need doing?

[Iwantdaffodils]

She's not a friend, as you will discover the moment you stop being useful to her

Ain't this the truth! The word 'friend' is used very loosely on MN.

[pictish]

It is quite likely that she’ll be less forthcoming and friendly after the no...but don’t take it personally, it’s her not you. Who needs a one-sided friendship based on how useful you are? No one!

[flumpybear]

CFFF cheeky fucker faux friend = not a friend , you're a service, that's all

[Slothcuddles]

I posted this on another thread a few days ago. When ds14 was younger I used to ask a mum to pick him up anything from once to if I was really busy 5 days a week. I would then pick up her 3 for school each time mine was going in at normal time and not breakfast club (which was 7:30am). Which again was simlair 1 to 5 days a week.
I think the difference was she offered, and when I joked it could be up to 5 days a week, she said no problem, it would keep her eldest occupied as she done reading etc with the youngest two. As she had 30 minute walk to school as she didn’t drive, she really appreciated me driving them to school, so she didn’t have to walk there and back later.
So for us it was beneficial for both ways. (Although we often found the Friday pick up meant we had the others child until Sunday! As either she would phone and ask if my ds could stay the weekend. Or when I picked up my ds from school, he and her ds would run up and ask if her ds could stay at ours. It was never a problem either way).

[topology444]

To be honest in the overall picture it is much better if you take the child: Less traffic, less pollution, and one fewer stressed mother rushing to school. At least I appreciate what you are doing and I would not be surprised if some fellow parents also do so too. I also don't see that it is such a good time to spend with your parent, if the parent rushes to school, rushes home and then hands the child to the nanny to go back to work. For your friend it must be extremely stressfull and honestly it is a very bad set-up (which is not your problem.). I would offer one or two days a week and make sure she knows that you do her a huge favour. I am sure she already knows this but is desperate.

[notdaddycool]

Next she will sack the nanny so you can take him home. Just start saying no the second time she asks you each week.

[Holidayshopping]

The ‘default arrangement’ is that she works from home and has agreed release time to go and collect her child, if there is an emergency, she has a nanny who can get a cab. That is a plan. A sensible and organised one.

She is changing this plan so that the default arrangement is you get the child every afternoon and in an emergency, the nanny goes?!

That is ridiculous!

[BookwormMe2]

topology444 Or the friend could employ a nanny that actually drives. Don't guilt trip the OP into continuing an arrangement that's stressing HER out.

[Pinkbells]

10 minutes out of your way several times a week soon adds up! Not to mention the responsibility of having another person's child in your car every day (sometimes, fine). Just say it's turned into a very regular thing, and you didn't mind doing it on the odd occasion but this is not working for you as you want to be able to go here/there/whatever straight after pick up. It's OK to be honest, people will take the piss if you let them.

[Santaclarita]

topology444 the mother in question can afford a nanny so she can afford a taxi, she just can't be bothered to pay for one because op is currently providing a free service. She also can't be bothered to go and get her child and would rather op deliver him to her. Also, the op transporting him is hardly going to save the worlds environmental problems, that is the most pathetic excuse ever.

The woman should have thought about this before having the child, and she clearly did, she organised a nanny and a taxi. And then upon finding out op is able to provide a free service went 'well I'm not paying for a taxi when she's free' and just dumps the child on her. She is ridiculously cheeky and you need a back bone if you would actually keep doing this.

[PositivelyPERF]

But she’s not desperate topology444, she already has a nanny and has told the OP, she doesn’t want to spend the money on a taxi, while the OP uses HER petrol to run the child 10 minutes out of her way. It may not sound like much, but that’s nearly an hour of extra driv8ng and petrol money a week. Why should the OP be out of pocket to save the CF money?

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Not a friend.
She'll drop you like a hot potato, when you are no longer of use to her.
When you see her tomorrow, you know what to do.
Stop this arrangement now, with no apology. She has permission to leave work, plus, she has a nanny.
OP, next time she asks, tell her things have changed and it's no longer convenient. Watch the nanny pick up the child ! 😄

[Zoflorabore]

Wow op she is extremely cheeky!

I live in a small close and am very good friends with several neighbours who have dc at the same school my dd attends.

If one of us has an appointment or is ill or whatever then a quick text is sent and it's no problem. If one of us is ill then the others will do both journeys but if not then the mum who has done the morning run will get a break for the afternoon run. We done keep tabs on who does what as it always works out pretty fair for everyone and we all benefit. Seems silly that 3 mums all walk to the same school and back everyday whilst living meters away.

This is how it should work op.
I think you will have to toughen up here and start saying no. She will soon get the message. Good luck :)

[aethelgifu]

What pictish wrote. C'mon, 'I hate confrontation'. That's why you have become her mark, and that's exactly what you are, OP, a mark. You're not a friend, you're free help she's using because she's tight.

She gets the message. She just doesn't give a shit because she wants things her way. I mean, she shows up in the car park and shoves a child seat at you! She told you she gets you to do it because she doesn't want to pay for taxi fares. She's using you and she gets that but she continues to try it on because she sees you as a useful mug, not a friend.

“I’ve been meaning to bring up the school pick-ups. I have obligations left, right and centre and have decided I need to withdraw from this one. I want to be able to attend to things after school without the responsibility of getting (friend’s child) home. You’ll need to sort something else out with work or your nanny. I know it’s a pain but I really can’t help with it any more.”

This! All you do is text her this today. No 'confrontation', just a 'no' without apologies or justifications.

People like this usually drift away, too, when they find they can no longer use someone.

[Holidayshopping]

For your friend it must be extremely stressfull and honestly it is a very bad set-up (which is not your problem.). I would offer one or two days a week and make sure she knows that you do her a huge favour. I am sure she already knows this but is desperate.

Why is it stressful?
Why desperate?!

She has a childcare arrangement in place!

[Holidayshopping]

She doesn’t want to pay for the nanny’s cab fare. Why should she when you are there to do it for free!

[pictish]

Good idea to send a text.

[ichifanny]

It really doesn’t matter even if the woman had a terrible time doing school drop offs and had to trek through arctic conditions it still doesn’t mean it falls to the OP , there’s being nice and helpful occasionally but ultimately it’s up to people to be responsible for their own children , not random acquaintances