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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fed up of advice?

129 replies

Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 16:50

DS is 18 weeks. He only has decent naps on the sling or car seat. He doesn't sleep well at night.
I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I've people around me but none that can really truly help out.

I am sick to my back teeth of advice. People telling me to CIO, or put him on solids, or follow Gina fucking Ford. I've no idea what I'm doing and I'm so so profoundly exhausted. It doesn't feel like it will ever get better. But I'm so ground down by the advice. As well as people telling me I 'look tired' no fucking shit Sherlock.
Sorry. As you were.
To make me feel better - care to share any bad advice you were given!?

OP posts:
Bambamber · 26/01/2019 16:55

I feel your pain, I've got a shit sleeper too althought we are far past the worst of it
It feels like it will never get better, but it honest my does!

The best bit of advice I was given was to give my daughter with CMPA a bottle of cows milk at night as it will make her sleep better. Because I am totally sure breathing difficulties, hives, swelling and a sore tummy will most certainly help a young child sleep better Grin

billybagpuss · 26/01/2019 16:55
Flowers

I'm too old to remember the advice I was given, but if you're up for a bit more, go get yourself a cuppa, snuggle up with DS on the sofa (obv away from the tea) and watch some crappy TV. Be reassured, that honestly, no one has a clue what they're doing - ever, mine are in their 20's and I still don't have a clue. Do whatever feels right for you.

toomuchtooold · 26/01/2019 17:01

You're at the worst bit. You've been doing this for 4 months, you're wrecked, and his sleep is probably worse than when he was born.

I can give you a shit load of ideas about how to make him sleep better that won't make you feel worse... if you'd like. But most babies' sleep starts improving somewhere around the 6 month mark if not before so you might find it just gets better on its own. And soon.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 17:01

At the moment I am doing 4 or 5 hrs of driving a day because he stays asleep. If I stop he usually wakes (tho sometimes not, just to play with me). I just need a rest from him in the sling.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 26/01/2019 17:02

yeah everyone is just winging it really so dont worry. My 5 year old won't sleep. She slept well as a baby but for the past 3 years bedtime has been a nightmare. Mother in law said "she just needs you to be firm with her" thanks for that, I hadn't thought of "being firm"

brace yourself the advice will keep coming.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 17:03

toomuchtooold sure, why not - you may have The Golden Answer. I'll try a thing right now.

I so hope you are right

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 26/01/2019 17:05

You're at the worst bit

i do agree with this

OneBiscuitAtATime · 26/01/2019 17:09

DDs sleep went to shit at 4 months, worse than the newborn stage. This too shall pass (although some nights are still pretty shit at 6 months). Some babies sleep well, others don’t. Just be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 17:13

People told me it would get better at 12 weeks. It didnt.

OP posts:
Alwaysatyke · 26/01/2019 17:14

I totally, totally empathise. DD was just the same and I received a lot of shit advice (all unasked for). The most memorable was my (otherwise lovely) in laws who were insistent that I should offer "cooled boiled water" (DD was exclusively breast fed at that point). They always said it like that, cooled boiled water, and it was like a bloody trigger word, it turned me a bit Hulk on the inside. Cooled boiled fecking water was not going to fix anything!

The only thing that actually did make a little bit of headway was moving from feeding on demand to feeding to a schedule. I started doing this at about 7 months but if I'd had my time over I'd start at about 3-4 months. It forced her to take more milk at a time instead of snacking all day which in turn let her fill up a bit more.

It's not what you want to hear as this won't help you now, but it truly, honestly does get better. And you are at the absolute worst stage. You will get through this!

pigsDOfly · 26/01/2019 17:15

You're not doing it all wrong. He's 18 weeks old and will not be sleeping well at night whatever advice people give you, and whatever people like Gina Ford say.

My first child, now in his late thirties, was a terrible, terrible sleeper as a baby and to hear my then MIL talk as if all her babies where born sleeping through the night and sitting up feeding themselves used to drive me up the wall.

You're exhausted because you have a young baby and it's hard but you will get through it eventually.

Just keep on taking each day, and night, one step at a time, ignore the advice and just carry on doing what works for you.

ashtrayheart · 26/01/2019 17:19

No advice but you have my sympathy. It does get easier x

MissB83 · 26/01/2019 17:23

4 month sleep regression is BRUTAL! And I'm guessing you've hit it.

I agree totally; you have my sympathies. I'm very anti routines (parent led anyway), anti sleep training etc. The advice drove me crazy! I didn't want advice I wouldn't follow. I just wanted some kindness, understanding and some coffee. It helped me a lot to distance myself from those who followed approaches I didn't like (most of my antenatal group!), find friends who I saw eye to eye with, and joining like minded groups on social media. That helped me feel happier and more confident and supported.

The important thing to know is... it does get better! One day at a time...

MissB83 · 26/01/2019 17:24

And 18 weeks is sooooo tiny. My son is 11 months and his sleep still isn't perfect but it's so much better. Your baba will get there!

toomuchtooold · 26/01/2019 17:24

If you want to try and get him to nap in the cot, try blacking out the windows with tinfoil. (Just run a damp cloth over the window and it sticks right on). DD2 needed it pitch black before she would sleep. People say white noise, we did it, don't know if it made any difference. Give him a binky - one of those soft toys that is basically a furry cloth with a teddy bear head - they are easier for a baby to keep hold of - and stuff it down your top for a few hours first so it smells of you. If he's up and about during the night, make sure he gets direct daylight outside at 8-9am. Don't wait too long to out him down for the first nap - if he's up at 7, he can be down for the first one at 9. And don't worry that he can be sleeping too much in the day - they need up to about 4 or 5 hours of naps at this age.
The book Teach Your Child To Sleep is good for when he's a little older, but you can't really do CIO or anything like that now. If you can manage to get him over to sleep at night without intervention that will make it easier for him to sleep through but it's not easy at this age. Try and keep interventions low key - before you pick him up, try patting his back or shoulder or just laying your hand on his back or tummy. Don't put the light on when you go to him, try to avoid eye contact in the night (I know how heartless that sounds). And if it doesn't get any better, at some point after 6 months you could look into sleep training, including hiring a sleep consultant, which is what we did with our twins.

I hope some of that is helpful and/or new...

CemetaryGates · 26/01/2019 17:25

You have my sympathy OP.

My DS is 14 months, and I can't get him to nap at home at all. So I take him out in the car, drive until he falls asleep, then pull over and faff on the internet for a few hours.

I am sick to the back teeth of people giving me advice that I haven't asked for regarding naps. It's not even like I moan about it, I only mention it when asked.

Unsolicited advice is the worst.

MissB83 · 26/01/2019 17:26

Ooh sorry best (bad) advice:

  • give him some formula. Or not, maybe!
  • put him to sleep drowsy but awake. Bahaha my son doesn't have that setting. He's broken.
  • start him on solids! Er, he's 4 months old and can't even sit up straight.
  • don't let him nap after 3pm. Sure; will just put some match sticks in his eyes.
Original poster
Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 17:26

toomuchtooold would you like to come and live with me? You sound lovely. Thank you. In doing everything you said apart from a binky.He does like holding my hand so I will try that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 17:39

Why do people think formula solves everything?!

OP posts:
MyBabyBoyBlue · 26/01/2019 17:47

I sympathise with you, OP. My DS (now 15 months) was a dreadful sleeper and I had all the unsolicited advice in the world, it made me so irritated I think it was the reason for my eye twitch rather than tiredness! Everyone assuming they know what's best for my DS (even a stranger commenting on how exhausted I looked after 3 particlarlty harrowing nights of zero sleep)...you are at the worst bit though, I think I've blocked most of it out as DS is now a pretty good sleeper but God it was hard getting there and tbh I don't think it was anything we did in particular, I think one day he just decided he had got this and he's been much better since then (about three months now and I feel like a whole new woman).

Sleepsoon7 · 26/01/2019 17:53

Ha - CIO meant hysteria and projectile vomit for DC1. Kept getting told to give DC2 a dummy even though they spat out the one an extended family member ‘helpfully’ stuck in their mouth. A friend swore by an American book which basically said babies should wake, be fed, play then sleep (ie don’t feed before sleep). Nope - didn’t work for me. Fast forward 18 years though and I really miss that time. It will be over before you realise so enjoy the good bits when you have moments of real closeness with your baby.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 17:55

He sleeps brilliantly in his car seat.
Maybe I send DH out for an all night drive...

OP posts:
Balaboosteh · 26/01/2019 18:01

This isn’t advice - babies don’t sleep in the adult sense of the word. It’s a fact. What you’re experiencing at all times with infants is transition. They don’t sleep YET so what you’re doing gradually is training them / waiting for them to develop into new habits. You think you’re getting too much advice because you are telling yourself you’re doing it wrong and looking for answers. You’re not doing anything wrong - it’s just really difficult! But it will change. People say it gets better - what they mean is it will change. This is armchair philosophy of course, I just wondered if it might help to think about it differently. HTH.

user1493413286 · 26/01/2019 18:09

I started telling people DD slept well as I was sick of the advice consisting of:
-My mil was convinced that we needed to stop DD napping in the day (didn’t help and just made DD cranky all day)
-try a bedtime routine (as if I hadn’t been doing that for ages)
-don’t make night times fun (yep like I’d been getting all the toys out at 3am)
-a wet nappy wakes them up (nope changing a nappy unnecessarily defintlely wakes them up)
Also unhelpful is the suggestion that maybe they’re just going to be one of those people who doesn’t sleep much, made me feel quite hopeless
However DD does now sleep from 7.30-5.30-6 at 2 years old which feels like an amazing night so it does get better

ReaganSomerset · 26/01/2019 18:19

A random optician at specsavers asked how DD was sleeping, then informed me that by co-sleeping I was 'making a rod for [my] own back. Angry

It did not go down well. Grin