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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fed up of advice?

129 replies

Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 16:50

DS is 18 weeks. He only has decent naps on the sling or car seat. He doesn't sleep well at night.
I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I've people around me but none that can really truly help out.

I am sick to my back teeth of advice. People telling me to CIO, or put him on solids, or follow Gina fucking Ford. I've no idea what I'm doing and I'm so so profoundly exhausted. It doesn't feel like it will ever get better. But I'm so ground down by the advice. As well as people telling me I 'look tired' no fucking shit Sherlock.
Sorry. As you were.
To make me feel better - care to share any bad advice you were given!?

OP posts:
noodlenosefraggle · 28/01/2019 13:04

I think there was one of the babycare experts who actually had a baby who then said how incredibly hard it was to do the things she advocated on her own baby. A nanny or nursery nurse isn't flooded with hormones telling them with every fibre of their being to go to their distressed baby. One of my fondest memories is of singing Auld Lang Syne with DH and DS because he was up at midnight on New Year's Day when he was 8 months old as he was mist nights! He was the last of my baby group to sleep through.

ReaganSomerset · 28/01/2019 13:07

@noodlenosefraggle
I think Dr. Spock did that.

OoohSmooch · 28/01/2019 13:19

Is there a sale section? Can I advertise a small boy?

Haha this is me all the time.

If the advice comes to you with every best intention then try to be at peace with it. If it's someone being an arsehole then tell them to F off of course.

My now toddler was and is not the best sleeper (always slept in the car so we resorted to that a few times too!). We did a little of all the advice as you never know it might work. I even give a little advice to new parents because some of the advice I got, did work for us and I wouldn't have thought of it otherwise.

Sleep is a learned behaviour and that is the best thing I read so I didn't feel so crap as to why our DD wasn't a sleeper.

We did a little co-sleeping (not that I like to do it but if it means we all sleep then so be it), we got a Ewan the Sheep (still love it now!), we use white noise, gave into a Sleephead and did controlled crying. She still isn't great 😂

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 28/01/2019 13:27

Thanks everyone.

I just feel a bit lost. He woke up for the fiftieth millionth time last night and I just sat there thinking 'I have no idea what to do with you'.

I'm so grateful for people sharing their experiences. Its relentlessly hard in ways that I just wasnt prepared for.

I do think I need to get the daylight differentiation better. We dint have black out blinds so we have travel ones up, they are suctioned on. When he wakes in the morning I turn all the lights on and the radio but it's no substitute for daylight (then again, it's still dark outside at the moment when he wakes up)

OP posts:
mollysmammy · 28/01/2019 13:29

Sleep when your baby sleeps.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 28/01/2019 13:38

mollysmammy is that advice for me or an example of bad advice because it gives me the rage!

OP posts:
Atalune · 28/01/2019 13:45

mississippi sounds like absolute hell. I really really feel for you.

A mum friend of mine used to have a mate come over for an afternoon. She used to go for a run (!) and then go for a shower/rest at home and friend would take the baby out for a walk.

She said the run saved her sanity. The sleep was a proper rest.

Do you have someone you could ask?

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 28/01/2019 13:50

Not really. I'm at my parents today, baby is napping in the sling on me, I suppose I could try and get a nap in once he is awake.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 28/01/2019 13:51

My 'friend' gave me both Gina Ford and Tracy Hogg while I was on mat leave waiting for baby to arrive. I would have been ok if I'd never read the sodding books....I felt I had to 'choose' and approach and follow it. (But darling you must wake the sleeping baby....the book says it's activity time....).

That and the sodding midwife who casually told me you don't need to wind a BF baby.

Atalune · 28/01/2019 13:53

Maybe try and grab some Zeds when the baby wakes. And this is key-
Make your parents leave the house! If you can hear the baby you won’t sleep!

Out for some fresh air and a walk and daylight.

Even a rest with a magazine and no baby

user1474894224 · 28/01/2019 13:54

....oh and anyone who told us to do controlled crying. It stressed everyone out. Solved nothing. And cannot be good for a baby. In the end I co-slept. Do it safely. Follow the advice....firm mattress, no duvet over baby. No drinking/drugs. No partner near the baby. Bed rail to keep baby safe. It was a game changer. I now have 3 kids and they are no longer in my bed. There was no rod....just peaceful nights.

And yes if baby is asleep.....go to bed with him now. Cat nap as much as you can.

noodlenosefraggle · 28/01/2019 14:28

reaganit was a more recent one. She has short curly brown hair. That's all I remember!

magratvonlipwig · 28/01/2019 23:10

People do mean well. I know youre shatteted and feel crap but if you can be patient with well intentined advice give yourself a little secret thumbs up.

At 4 months one afternoon i just plonked child in his dads arms drove to my mums walked in said "need sleep" collapsed on mums bed and slept 14 hours. Achey boobs well worth it.
Both child and father survived

WeveGotThis · 28/01/2019 23:46

Worst advice for me:
From MIL - let DC cry it out, at one month, when actually he had undiagnosed reflux and colic and one month is really very early to do something like that.
From anyone and everyone - sleep when the baby sleeps. Don't worry about the housework.
From books, internet - all babies benefit from being in the same routine at the same age. You will recognise baby's different cries by the time he is 3 months. Baby will have a sleep regression, which will be short-lived and then he will go back to his usual pattern. Try the 'pick up put down' method. Try Ferberizing. 'Cry it out' almost never works; don't worry, we'd never suggest something so barbaric!

I feel your pain. DC hasn't had the best time with sleep. He's still waking 4/8 times per night but a couple of weeks ago I virtually shut all other people out and decided to do things my way, and we've been a lot happier! It is hard, being a new parent. I've felt so shamed and useless because of well-meaning visitors. And I'm a child carer, this is my job! No one knows what they're doing.

I recommend The Let Down on Netflix, you reminded me of it! Hope you get some rest x

MonsterKidz · 29/01/2019 06:56

I had two of the worst sleepers known to man.

All of my friends babies slept through the night and I was at the end of my tether, sleep deprived, a complete wreck. Everyone had an opinion or advice. I drove myself insane reading Gina Ford and trying to it them down awake but drowsy....

Somehow it got better. Don’t even know when or why, it just did.

You will get there OP and in the meantime buy a pair of noise canceling headphones for all the unsolicited advice!

leiaskye · 29/01/2019 11:35

My husband once took our eldest out for a drive in the middle of the night. I was desperate for some sleep.

She had finally got to sleep when the police pulled him over.

He was driving an Audi, lots had been stolen in the area recently and they wanted to make sure it was his car.

Cue, daughter screaming her head off again, husband agitated and Police very apologetic.

leiaskye · 29/01/2019 11:37

oh, in terms of bad advice - definitely to put on formula. Goodness knows why everyone thinks it is a miracle juice!

Let them CIO, add rusk to bottle (yes, seriously!), put on solids. all the usual rubbish, tbh.

RoseAdagio · 30/01/2019 16:48

The worst for me was my mother in law’s reply when I told her my daughter had colic - are you still giving her milk straight from the fridge like you did when we came down. Because if so that will be giving her colic. Poor little baby.

It isn’t so much the scientifically inaccurate, old wives’ tale nature of the advic itself, it’s more th fact that at a time when my husband and I were going through one of the hardest experiences of our entire lives, she didn’t offer any sympathy or reassurance that it would pass or ask how we were coping, she just trotted out an old wives’ tale making out it was all our own fault. It was a sucker punch to the gut when I was at my lowest, I will never forget how that made me feel.

ReaganSomerset · 30/01/2019 16:51

My mother insisted we were holding DD wrongly and that was why she wasn't settling.

RoseAdagio · 30/01/2019 16:55

Also, seconded re put your baby down drowsy but awake, pick up put down, and sleep when the baby sleeps.

Drowsy but awake thrashes around until she became awake and distressed and more awake. Bollocks to that then.

Pick up put down initially appeared to work but after six weeks she fought it more and more until we had to give it up. Everyone who advocated sleep training told me it worked within a week. Bollocks to that also.

Sleep while the baby sleeps? Sure, she only naps either while latched on or in the pushchair..... I will just sleep walk around the park while she sleeps then, that ought to work just fine!

Get in the sea, the lot of them....

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 30/01/2019 17:00

I'm so sleep deprived I cant believe I'm laughing
But this is so reassuring.

DS sleeps well (well with 2 wake ups) until 2.30 am and then it all goes to shit. Really hoping this doesn't develop into a pattern because it is not fun!

OP posts:
MRex · 30/01/2019 17:04

If my SIL "suggests" CIO one more time, she will be fucking crying out; I don't ever even talk to her about sleep! My cosleeping DS seems to sleep better than her DD anyway when he isn't ill/ teething, and he's certainly less whiny.

I try not to answer sleep nor food questions in general as it's just an excuse for unsolicited advice; a non-commital "yes, good" (especially if it doesn't work in context) and distract "oh wow, look at that man's ugly trousers / the lost balloon / sale on in Lakeland".

To myself I find repeating "this phase will pass" helps. Eventually they all start to sleep longer or get better or whatever, some just take longer than others.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 30/01/2019 17:52

I think the conclusion is I need to lie.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 30/01/2019 18:01

The best thing I can tell you about advice is that its something someone else did. You can listen and smile and then ignore everything that doesn't appeal to you. Be nice to the giver, they mean well, but do whatever works for you. Think of it as " You might want to try...." instead of " You should do this...'' They don't come with a manual. If your baby is growing and thriving do whatever you have to to keep sane. Accept a bit of babysitting if it's offered so You can catch up. Dont try too hard or you will end up doing all sorts of crazy unhelpful things ( like driving all night!)

Confusedbeetle · 30/01/2019 18:08

Please don't worry about the day time nighttime thing, it won't help. When your baby learns to sleep better, it will most likely be in the form of a long daytime nap. When this happens, and it will. don't think it is backward, it is a real step forward. At the moment he doesn't know day from night and nothing can force this. Focus on one thing at a time, IAt the risk of giving you advice! I would suggest choosing to focus on one decent nap in the day. No one can manage anything much in the night except survive

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