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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fed up of advice?

129 replies

Mississippilessly · 26/01/2019 16:50

DS is 18 weeks. He only has decent naps on the sling or car seat. He doesn't sleep well at night.
I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I've people around me but none that can really truly help out.

I am sick to my back teeth of advice. People telling me to CIO, or put him on solids, or follow Gina fucking Ford. I've no idea what I'm doing and I'm so so profoundly exhausted. It doesn't feel like it will ever get better. But I'm so ground down by the advice. As well as people telling me I 'look tired' no fucking shit Sherlock.
Sorry. As you were.
To make me feel better - care to share any bad advice you were given!?

OP posts:
Atalune · 27/01/2019 23:08

What does the car do that you don’t?

White noise/ambient noise
Motion/rocking
Raised/tilted
Very securely positioned/squeezed in the seat

You must build a car inside your front room- run the exhaust pipe out of a window. It’s the only option!

I fed to sleep and co slept with Dd my second baby and lay her on her side for naps! HV would have had a conniption but I felt confident to do it.

Having gone through the non sleeping hell of DS first time around I was way way more open to things I would have considered dangerous then. Co sleeping is not dangerous btw!

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 28/01/2019 01:20

deste dont worry, in so over sensitive at the moment living with me must be a nightmare. Work terrifies me on this little sleep so I hope your G starts sleeping better soon!

Atalune that made me laugh. I wish i knew. I think it is position rather than movement. I wish i could just try and out jimin his car seat but i know it's not safe. I have tilted the crib further tonight but it's not the same is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mississippilessly · 28/01/2019 01:21

'Try and put him in his'

OP posts:
FoxFoxSierra · 28/01/2019 01:33

So sorry op, people are idiots and ime shit sleepers are shit sleepers whatever the parents do. I had one myself and I thought I was going to die from sleep deprivation! I think you just need to do whatever you need to do to get some sleep and know the it will end one day Thanks

FurryGiraffe · 28/01/2019 01:44

Much, much sympathy OP. DS2 has asthma and we had a period of about a year where he would only reliably sleep upright (literally upright on my shoulder) and often needed constant movement (ie being walked around). It was hellish. And made infinitely worse by daft advice. Because clearly a good bedtime routine will sort that asthmatic night time coughing right out .

So not going to offer any advice- but I am going to tell you that this too shall pass. And one day both you and he will sleep. It's really really shit though.

SeaToSki · 28/01/2019 01:49

Two pieces of unsolicited advice 😉
Put the car seat next to the washing machine. Set it on spin. Repeat. Tumble dryers also work. They are basically stationary cars.

Try cutting soya out of your diet as well as dairy, they are very commonly linked for intolerances

Someone suggested I circumcise my ds so that he would be ‘cleaner’. Why yes, let me chop off some of my childs most sensitive anatomy without his permission so that it will improve your perception of how he looks.

BradleyPooper · 28/01/2019 01:53

Mine are so old that I don't remember them being terrible sleepers at that age although dd2 hit 2 years old and woke every single morning for 9 months at 4 fecking o'clock. Every morning. 4am. For 9 months. By the time I got to work I'd been wake for 5 hours. In my world it was lunchtime by then. It was brutal and I do think that sleep deprivation or disrupted sleep is the worst thing ever so you have all my sympathy.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 28/01/2019 02:16

seatoski great thanks I will def try that. My wallet and the planet could do without my lengthy drives at the moment!
I've cut out soya too. No improvement so far...

OP posts:
MsJuniper · 28/01/2019 02:37

It's tough isn't it! My second dc (10mo) is currently downstairs with DH while I get some sleep as I've been up with her since 12. She did quite well for a while but we seem to be having an 8/9/10 month regression plus perma-cold.

There is no advice that works for all babies, just time and coincidence. All you can do right now is arrange to catch up on your own sleep when time allows and work round the baby so you can cope. Your DH sounds nice and funny and you sound like a good team which is the only thing that counts right now.

xWallToWallBastardsx · 28/01/2019 03:00

I was advised to give ds a chicken bone for him to teethe on and just nodded and smiled. I mentioned it in front of my sil who ranted at me and accused me of disrespecting her culture. I had no idea it was also a Jamaican thing as the old lady who said it was Chinese. I apologised and conceded that it probably wasn't as dangerous as I imagined if supervised but I still couldn't see how it would be better than.a ring or toy designed for the purpose.

CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese · 28/01/2019 03:11

Oh yes circumcision was mentioned to me by dh and his family as they are all cut. Dh doesn't believe in any religion and his parents (one a lapsed Catholic and one a non practising muslim) never forced religion onto him or his siblings so I couldn't see why chopping the skin off a baby's penis would benefit him in any way. So I refused. Dh eventually dropped it and came around to my view. When dd was born I asked him if he would let anyone cut her and of course he said no. If one is needed for medical reasons (boys. I dont know if there would be a medical reason to C a girl) then yes of course. My nephew was done because it got stuck and sil said it took weeks to heal and he would cry each time he wee'd.

MaterialisticMandy · 28/01/2019 03:23

Some different advice?
Stop asking for advice.
Stop taking about your baby.
Take each day, each nap, as it comes and repeat to yourself that this too shall pass.

You probably have been given all the sleep advise that there is and it is not working, so stop searching, stop asking.

elizabth · 28/01/2019 06:37

Hi
I found the baby whisperer Tracy Hoggs book really helpful, she was a childrens nurse, her techniques were easy to follow and rescued me, shh pat method helps, as does swaddling, my daughter turned out to have reflux so laying her flat caused acid to travel up her throat and burn her mouth, so I propped her up at night, I also got a prescription milk made by amfamil for babies with reflux and that solved so much for me, I also used colief in her milk which I also got on prescription which breaks down the lactose in the milk and combats tummy pain, I had to purchase these products initially and then persuade my gp they had helped and asked for them on prescription, I also bought White Noise Cd's which were magic, you can get a hoover sound or a fan sound, they were particualrily helpful when at 6months colic kicked off. Hope this helps?

SandraTheBee · 28/01/2019 06:41

On MN without fail, whenever someone comes and talks about their baby's issue loads of people will chip in and say "it's the worst stage" it doesn't matter how how the baby or child is, it always seems to be the worst stage.
I can't work that one out.

blutoo · 28/01/2019 09:06

We have a brilliant car seat sleeper too....and sofa. Cot, not a chance. We had advice such as 'she's just hungry, poor little thing.. when I was struggling with breast feeding ...and had PND. THAT advice went down very well with me! So actually I am quite jealous that you're only in the early days!!!

blutoo · 28/01/2019 09:07

Oh and if people keep giving advice - don't listen to it. Just say thanks. Don't give them the opportunity by talking about your problems for a while. Chose one person you like to talk to and share it all only with them. That way it will all be less stressful.

HoustonBess · 28/01/2019 09:39

Sleep deprivation makes it hard to lay down memories.

Other people who have had babies try to remember what happened in that sleepless period and there's often a big gap with a couple of faint memories floating around, like white noise or rocking, and they grab at those and chuck them at you to see if it might help. But really they don't remember very well. If they did, they'd know unsolicited advice is really annoying.

The good news is your memory of this time will probably wipe as well!

Vasilisa19 · 28/01/2019 11:05

Weird, I was just remembering this just this morning (even though mine are nearly grown up!)

I had a SIL who was a nursery nurse and was basically insufferable with her smug advice and constantly telling me I didn't know what I was doing (...and that she won't have any of these problems when she has a baby). Yes she actually said that aloud.

Although I wouldn't wish sleep deprivation on my worst enemy there was a little bit of me that took some satisfaction when she had her baby and struggled like the rest of us.

My lovely health visitor was very open and honest about her own experiences of motherhood which was far more reassuring and kind than the patronizing, unsolicited advice from SIL.

Basically, even 'experts' have moments when things are not going to plan and they are just winging their way through it.

bigspagbol · 28/01/2019 11:23

Relax. Tell people you're fine.

bigspagbol · 28/01/2019 11:23

Because it will be fine.

Fuei · 28/01/2019 11:34

My DD wouldn't sleep unless on a human or something moving and it almost breaks you. Had a friend look at me quizzically and say "why don't you just lay her down?" like I was too stupid to have thought of that. I'll never forget it. She ended up with a baby like that for her second though and actually apologised to me as she finally understood what I'd been through. Co-sleeping helped us at night.

BeanTownNancy · 28/01/2019 11:45

Best advice: if your baby loves the car, they might love an electric baby swing. Bought one second-hand to try and it totally saved my sanity.

Worst advice: just quit breastfeeding - formula fed babies sleep for longer. (Ignoring all the reasons I chose to breastfeed my tiny premature baby)

swingofthings · 28/01/2019 11:53

Been there with both my kids. They wouldn't sleep, day or night and I grew so envious of all the mums of the angelic babies that seem to invade all the shops, parks, clinical offices, public transport, I wanted to slap the kind and caring smile of their faces.

Thankfully I didn't, just fell in a constant feeling sorry for myself and no one understand me state, that is until babyhood turned into terrible twos, and all around I saw 2yos a reaming, shouting, bitting and the rest when my two somehow, maybe as a result of brain deprivation due to poor sleep, turned out to be much easier toddlers than most of the toddlers their age. That continued has they got older and no permanent mental scarring as both excelled at school. Never played on their own though, grrr..

All I can say is that I fully sympathise. It is hell, sleep deprivation is tortured and indeed, those who haven't been through it don't know what it's like. Take it a day at a time, then maybe a week at a time and do trust that one day, when you'll given all hope, it will suddenly get better.

GNT1521 · 28/01/2019 12:03

I'm expecting my 2nd baby and this time around if anyone asks how they are sleeping I will probably say they are fine regardless of whether they are or not. I found first time around that some people have a different perception of what sleeping well means (e.g. Waking up numerous times for a dummy run didn't count - they considered the baby sleeping through the night). It bothered me that I was getting advice and pity and feeling unfortunate when it was probably just standard sleeping behaviour.

SpaceDinosaur · 28/01/2019 12:32

Cosleeping saved my life

Gina fucking Ford is a cunt. I NEVER did CIO and I also didn't die despite feeling like I may at a few points.

Formula fixes nothing. People suggest it for everything because they have no idea about the properties of Breastmilk and so many people FF that it's just a cultural "norm"

Drowsy but awake is a myth. Much like unicorns. Everyone talks about it but it doesn't exist.

Long walks in the pram does not a sleeping baby make. She NEVER happily drifted off in the pram.

My cosleeping boob monster started going into the crib for naps at 11 months and slept in her cot at night from 14 months. She's now 2, still breastfed, sleeps and naps in her cot.
Cosleeping didn't ruin everything despite the assumption and "education" that it will.

Stick with what feels right or works for you.

Hotel chocolate do vegan dark chocolate and it's delicious.

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