To not want this couple at my wedding?

[LemonadeAndSchnapps]

We are due to get married in May of this year. All of the wedding stress is starting to build now. I've tried my best to make it work for everyone; a hen do everyone wanted, dresses all the bridesmaids would feel comfortable in, etc. But now it's all starting to slot into place.

The best man has been a bit rubbish. He hasn't yet organised the stag, and generally had been uninterested. Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding. I'm not expecting everyone to care about my wedding as me, but I think that comment hurt my DP.

And then on Thursday he dropped out! His reasoning was that he said that nothing would get done if it was left to him. This is the most organised man I know, so I pressed to see if there was another reason and he didn't have one. I'm seriously at a loss as to why he would do this, other than genuinely not caring about my DP that much. I don't think it helps that my bridesmaids are awesome and all falling over each other to help!

We are part of a friendship group and have always been very close, but now I just don't want this man and his partner to come. I feel they have really hurt my partner and I don't want them there. But I don't want this to be a huge bridezilla reaction. Invitations have already gone out. Would it be unreasonable to tell them I don't want them there?

Ahh sorry I'm on my phone, that did have paragraphs before I sent it!

How does your partner feel?

Your DP needs to sort this one out. He chose him for a reason - maybe he views the friendship differently.
Do you think this friend and his partner will actually come to the wedding? - I'm imagining a last-minute tummy bug or similar.

What does your DH think? It’s his friend/best man so I’d be guided by him.

If he is the most organised man and they are close then I’d assume there was something going on with him for him to e acting so out of character

I can see paragraphs! I can't see a solution though all I can see a bad movie plot there

Let him come if your future husband wants him there totally disengage from it as it is your future husband choice realky

No don’t I invite him. Some people are not good at organising social events.

Don’t uninvite him

Could he have been nervous? I know there’s no way in hell I could stand up & do a speech at a wedding especially best mans speech that has to be funny, sincere & not too long!
I have 4 brothers. When one was getting married he asked youngest brother(about 25 years old at the time) to be best man cos the others had been best man for each other so he was the last one. Youngest brother said he was honored to be asked but he could he please ask someone else cos he’d be terrified. It wasn’t a problem. Another brother did it. Could this be similar in your dp’s situation?

My partner doesn't show his emotions a lot. He says he is really angry. He said he felt that since the best man got a new girlfriend that he had been distancing himself from us. He gets the impression that they feel they are a little 'above us' (not sure why, we're all working at the same place in similar roles, but I can see what he is saying).

The best man has been my friend for much longer than he has my DP. I think that's why I'm taking this more personally than if another groomsmen had dropped out.

If he is the most organised man and they are close then I’d assume there was something going on with him for him to e acting so out of character

This. Does he like you? I really suspect there is a backstory here or something you don’t know.

I have to say, I didn’t know the BM organising the stag night was a thing! I organised mine and DH did his-much easier that way.

We sensed he could be nervous a few months ago so we offered some help (in the form of my brother who has organised a lot of stag dos) and offered to give the best man speech to my chief bridesmaid, though a large portion of his job is event management and speech giving.

I understand why you're upset - this person has hurt someone you love.

But I wouldn't uninvite him - your DH might feel a bit humiliated. Maybe he is hurt, but trying to style it out. You intervening, esp if you're all a big group of friends will cause lots of questions and ripples. You will force DH to explain himself over and over. He might well be mortified and you may unintentionally hurt him more than the friend did in the first place.

Also - there may be reasons you don't know about. Maybe his friend has some health, money or other worries you don't know about.

I'd be pissed off too, but don't try to solve his problems for him.

Honestly although this is your wedding too I think the decision should be your partners. And I would avoid being too negative or saying too much as it will be like salt in the wounds I would imagine

Did your DH ask him to be best man? How come you have known him longer? Usually the best man is one of the grooms oldest friends (at all the weddings I have been to). Just wondering about their friendship.

From this:

Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding.

And then on Thursday he dropped out!

We are part of a friendship group

I would think he probably feels annoyed and hurt that you have been discussing him behind his back and that all of your friendship group probably know how you feel, so he has dropped out. I’d say it’s time for you to not say anything else and leave it to your fiancé, including whether they are invited or not.

Erm maybe he just doesn’t like weddings and/or doesn’t understand why he should be organising big chunks of yours? Maybe his new girlfriend is putting wedding pressure on him prompted by you guys getting married?

I love weddings but it sounds like you are leaning on him to do a lot and he might just not have the bandwidth or the inclination. If he’s a good friend I think you just have to accept that.

Sounds to me like he has done you both a favour if he wasn't interested in the wedding. If I were you I would take this as an opportunity for your fiancé to choose another BM who IS interested. I'm sure one of his other friends or relatives would love to fill the role.

Let them come to the wedding! This will make you two the bigger people. Distance yourselves afterwards if you feel the relationship has changed irreparably.

Have a fantastic day!

Do you think the best man might perhaps like you a bit more than he should? It may explain the strange behaviour.

To be fair, there may be other worries in the backgrounare not privy to. Your wedding may be the most important thing in your life, but other people have other concerns which are more important to them.

He’s been upfront, your partner has time to organise someone else- probably best to take the high road and be gracious on this one.

The only time I've known this to happen is when the groom had been cheating on his future wife and the best man didn't want to be any part of the wedding because he disagreed with what he'd been doing. The future wife was confused as hell by him suddenly backing off as they'd been best friends. I'm not saying this is what's happened here, but I bet there's more to it and I wouldn't be surprised if your partner knows. Maybe they had a big argument or the best man doesn't think you should marry for some reason.

If he does that stuff for work, then doing it outside of work might feel like a massive pain in the arse. I'm a planner/organiser at work but have no interest in organising anything once I've clocked off.

Oh just bin him off. It would be more awkward if the gf was part of the friendship group. I doubt he will give two hoots about being dropped.

Maybe just send a message saying that you feel disappointed that he has stepped down as best man. And that he does not have to come to the wedding if he does not want to. You wish him all the very best. I get the feeling he doesn't want to be a part of it for what ever reason.

There is something more to this maybe op? Could he be ill or something. Are you sure there wasn't any kind of fallout? He might not go anyway. Surely he would feel awkward himself?

That's no friend!

Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding
So save him the trouble of going out of his way attending your wedding then - simple!