To not want this couple at my wedding?

[LemonadeAndSchnapps]

We are due to get married in May of this year. All of the wedding stress is starting to build now. I've tried my best to make it work for everyone; a hen do everyone wanted, dresses all the bridesmaids would feel comfortable in, etc. But now it's all starting to slot into place.

The best man has been a bit rubbish. He hasn't yet organised the stag, and generally had been uninterested. Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding. I'm not expecting everyone to care about my wedding as me, but I think that comment hurt my DP.

And then on Thursday he dropped out! His reasoning was that he said that nothing would get done if it was left to him. This is the most organised man I know, so I pressed to see if there was another reason and he didn't have one. I'm seriously at a loss as to why he would do this, other than genuinely not caring about my DP that much. I don't think it helps that my bridesmaids are awesome and all falling over each other to help!

We are part of a friendship group and have always been very close, but now I just don't want this man and his partner to come. I feel they have really hurt my partner and I don't want them there. But I don't want this to be a huge bridezilla reaction. Invitations have already gone out. Would it be unreasonable to tell them I don't want them there?

So...

He wanted to organise something

You both said no, a night at the pub would be fine

You're now complaining that he hasn't organised something with 4 months to go?

I think if it were me I might withdraw at that point

Perhaps he didn’t realise that you were going to have that kind of wedding? Maybe he thought he was being given a token role and required to give a speech, maybe acts as witness and suddenly he’s dragged into stag dos and ‘cheif’ bridesmaids.

He seemed to have massive ideas at the beginning (think 3 day long trip overseas) and we very much had to cool him down and say a night at the pub would be perfectly fine I feel like you may be overly involved in the stag do? Usually the bride is involved with the hen and the groom the stag. I don't see why the stag would need your approval, can your boyfriend not make those decisons himself?

Anyway, a night at the pub takes about 10 minutes to organise, he would just need to agree a date with people. He doesn't want to do it which is fair enough and I can see why. But I wouldn't uninvite him for it. Some people just aren't suited to such roles.

Yes because a night out at the pub needs planning in January for May

“Can’t be arsed to do that” as in can’t be arsed to be the best man and has thus divested all responsibility for it. Not saying it needs to be organised now.

I think you've inadvertently sent the message that you don't really want him to be BM. You didn't like his suggestion for the stag. You offered to get the best maid and your brother to take on other parts of the best man role. He may have thought 'what's the point?' It hardly takes a lot of organising to take some guys to the pub.
Of course, he may just have other life commitments that are taking priority. Either way, it's your DP's call about the invite. If someone was close enough to be best man, I don't see how they can suddenly be relegated to not worth an invitation. That seems petty.

OP, another thought is, if you are all part of a group of friends, uninviting will open up a can of worms and you might find some of your other guests’ loyalties lie with him.

can your boyfriend not make those decisons himself?

There was a “we” in the sentence. Not everything has to come down to “bad woman trying to control the man”

a large portion of his job is event management and speech giving

Maybe this is part of the problem, he's doing it all the time at work and just can't be arsed taking on more, especially if he's in a new relationship and just wants to spend all of his free time with his new lady friend - people of all ages can get a bit obsessed and neglect old friends when new loves come along. Not condoning, just a possible explanation.

I think it has to be up to your dp.

It's possible this guy has done him a favour in the long run as who would want a not very interested best man mooching around like a wet lettuce. Could your brother step in?

Hmmm could he be pissed off because he was asked to be best man then told what kind of stag do he was allowed to organised then someone else offered to do his speech etc?
It is slightly strange that you're involved in stag do / best man stuff tbh - leave it to your fiancé to deal with.

I also think your bridesmaid shouldn't have said anything to you, it was clearly mixing things.
I think it would cause drama if you didn't invite them. In years to come, you won't care about this at all but you might care about falling out with a friend, especially if you work together

I don’t think you are being tomorrow precious
This is sound advice

Find someone else to be best man. Invite the ex best man and his gf but park them somewhere at the back of the reception and just forget the whole thing. I say invite him because falling out now would be worse in the long run as he may return to his former self (no idea why he could be acting up like this). If he remains an arse then slowly drop him from future meetings or just ignore him. Not worth all the hassle at this tense time.

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I agree with above, if fiance still wants him there.

Okay, OP, what's the back story with you and him? You said he's been your friend longer than he has your fiancé's – is there any romantic history between you? If so, could it be that he doesn't feel comfortable watching you marry someone else and is using his lack of organisation skills which is obviously a lie as an excuse to back out? Are him and your DF really best friends or was him being Best Man really your idea? It really does sound like there might be a back story that's relevant.

She he has a new girlfriend? Perhaps she doesn’t know anyone and didn’t want to be alone in the day?

I have not had an affair with the best man. We are local and my partner came here for work, so he met him later on.

I think I will leave it up to my partner. I posted on here because I felt I was being unreasonable, but it was such a gut reaction to seeing my partner hurt.

It sounds like he had ideas and was being proactive but you told him he couldn’t do that and needed to arrange a night in the pub instead. So he was micromanaged, not allowed to do a speech, and then considered disinterested so gossiped about because he hadn’t arranged a night in the pub several months in advance. And now after all that, you want to resind his invite?

I agree with Fraying.

Sounds like he had some big ideas which you said no to as you want something smaller, your wedding is in May so a local stag do will not take a lot of time to organise so chasing in January does seem OTT.

You’ve said normally he’s very organised etc but now you don’t trust him so reduced his role and offered support. He’s step down as bestman and his comment probably reflects your perceived behaviour toward him.

You’re now also planning on uninviting him?!?!

Yeah you maybe ruining a long standing friendship due to a touch of Bridezilla.

I'm not sure how talking about him to my husband is gossiping...

Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding = gossiping

He told my bridesmaid that, so surely they were gossiping?

OP I think past posters are being deliberately goady.
You don’t sound bridezilla at all but it does sound like the friendship with the BM has changed and his comments are really hurtful.

As he’s been your friend for longer, I’d speak to him and say you’re aware of what’s been said and while you’re hurt, you just want to know if there is any issue you should be aware of?
If not, then if he’s just rather not attend the wedding then you’d rather know now.

Then see what he says.

As for all the ‘why does a stag do need organising now for a wedding months away?’
First off May isnt that long away and secondly, maybe those posters don’t have much going on in their lives but in my friendship group finding a weekend we’re all free to get everyone together sometimes takes months to pin down as we all have other commitments/ plans etc

Him stepping down sounds like the logical step as he probably felt micromanaged and that you didn't like his ideas. He had big ideas for the stag do and the groom and for some reason also the bride stepped in to "cool him down". Months before the wedding he was told he wasn't giving a speech which is the main role of the best man. There must have been a lot of discussion about the wedding for all this to have come up so long before the wedding and he probably thought what's the point of being best man if my only role is sending a text to some mates about a night down the pub?

YABU

You have stopped his ideas, tried to give aspects of the job to other people and are complaining that he is not doing things to your schedule, which I suspect that he is having to second guess, until you complain to other friends and the bridal party.

Frankly it sounds like he has made the right choice.

I feel like anything I say is being very oddly twisted. It's very odd. Half of you say he was probably lost in all the pressure, I mention that my partner offered him an out because he wanted to take the pressure off, and now I'm micromanaging? I'm very confused as to where you're getting this from.

I feel a lot of people are just trying to make me into a bridezilla and really all I have been trying to do is make life easier for everyone involved by taking on as much as I can myself.

LemonadeAndSchnapps

I don't think that you are a bridezilla, I just think that you have handled this wrong.

Also my partner pressed because a couple of his friends are having to travel a little way for this (not countries but enough to need an overnight stay) and the best man had told everyone he was planning it for early Feb and then wasn't giving anyone any details as to a specific date/location so they were starting to get a little itchy if you see what I mean?

Sorry boney that wasn't aimed at you specifically.