To not want this couple at my wedding?

[LemonadeAndSchnapps]

We are due to get married in May of this year. All of the wedding stress is starting to build now. I've tried my best to make it work for everyone; a hen do everyone wanted, dresses all the bridesmaids would feel comfortable in, etc. But now it's all starting to slot into place.

The best man has been a bit rubbish. He hasn't yet organised the stag, and generally had been uninterested. Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding. I'm not expecting everyone to care about my wedding as me, but I think that comment hurt my DP.

And then on Thursday he dropped out! His reasoning was that he said that nothing would get done if it was left to him. This is the most organised man I know, so I pressed to see if there was another reason and he didn't have one. I'm seriously at a loss as to why he would do this, other than genuinely not caring about my DP that much. I don't think it helps that my bridesmaids are awesome and all falling over each other to help!

We are part of a friendship group and have always been very close, but now I just don't want this man and his partner to come. I feel they have really hurt my partner and I don't want them there. But I don't want this to be a huge bridezilla reaction. Invitations have already gone out. Would it be unreasonable to tell them I don't want them there?

TBh you sound like Bride and Groomzilla

It is 1 day- many months away! It is not a 6 month long pantomime with you as the romantic leads.

If he wants a stag then he can arrange one.

Best mans role is to make sure that he is wearing the right clothes and turn up on the day. Nothing else.

Hi op organising a stag do on behalf of someone else, trying to accommodate everyone's budget, likes and dislikes and chase up late payers etc is my idea of a nightmare. It is a LOT of work for little thanks and I can see why some people would find it really stressful dealing with it all. It's different to organising your own life. If you've been friends for a long time I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he just found it too much, or has other stuff going on at home, or the girlfriend was making things difficult. Saying that I can see why you're hurt.

I think you've got two options - talk face to face about why they have let you down after agreeing to be involved, or just move on and ask someone else to help organise.

I don't think I would uninvite them though, I think that would be showing a clear sign that the friendship is totally over. I don't think them being there will ruin your day

Up to your fiance re the invite, as it's his friend. Maybe he just didn't want to be roped into the huge wedding preparations that seem to be underway, I'm sure many would not welcome this task.

It's 4 months away - does a stag night really need organising that far ahead?
And of course he's not that invested in someone else's wedding. Most people aren't really unless it's their own, or their very close immediate family - such as a child or close sibling.

And why can't dh organise his own night out? I'd do find the whole hen and stag do fuss these days so OTT.

As far as I know, all a best man does is make sure the groom actually turns up at the right place at the right time, brings the rings, and says a few words at the reception.

What else were you and your dp expecting him to do?

There aren't actually all that many single blokes that actively look forward to going to somebody else's wedding.

I get the impression he's had enough of being passively aggressively hassled by you about not 'arranging' anything yet. If he's a typical bloke he probably doesn't see the need for a load of fuss months in advance and will pull something out of the hat relatively last minute - which is fine. Unless you are expecting a four day bender in Las Vegas with them all doing a sky dive all dressed as Disney Princesses I don't see the urgency. A few beers and curry takes no time to organise.

I suspect he's lost his rag a bit with your Bridezilla-ing.

What wedding are you having that needs that amount of effort months in advance

He has a new girlfriend who probably could not understand why he needed to think about and have at the front of his mind a wedding months away

I just thought the best man did stag do (plenty of time) speech and a little bit on the day exactly what did you want him to do?

Your bridesmaid should have kept her mouth shut quite frankly.

No one apart from the couple and your parents really cares about your wedding tbh. It’s just a hopefully and not to expensive party for everyone else.

He’s dropped out with plenty of notice to find someone else.

He isn’t responsible for “event management”. He’s responsible for signing the register and giving a speech.

Lots of guys organise their own stag nights. It’s hardly difficult or time consuming. Or was your DF expecting 5 nights foreign drinking nightmare type stag all organised and paid for by everyone else?

Resigning as best man to an old friend is a big deal. I can think of several reasons for it. I’ve no idea why you are blaming to new gf. I’d be sitting down having a kind and honest conversation about why he’s taken this step.

And yes, I’d still invite him and the gf.

I'm sure you'll find out eventually . I wouldn't uninvite him - the wedding is still 4 months away and in that time you or your partner might find out what is going on . Just leave it if the invitations have gone out , and send him a message saying that your and DP are sorry he can't be best man .

I don’t think you are being tomorrow precious
This is sound advice

Find someone else to be best man. Invite the ex best man and his gf but park them somewhere at the back of the reception and just forget the whole thing. I say invite him because falling out now would be worse in the long run as he may return to his former self (no idea why he could be acting up like this). If he remains an arse then slowly drop him from future meetings or just ignore him. Not worth all the hassle at this tense time.

And yes it would be VERY bad form and completely OTT Bridezilla to withdraw their invitation because of this. Seriously, get a grip. don't go looking for trouble that will cause friction among your friends - you've got enough on your plate without giving yourself problems needlessly and losing friends over it.

These days the Groom has to be Tour Guide Ken for the stag, making sure 30 piss heads go carting without breaking bones, eating without any red meat and drinking without making eye contact with any woman let alone a stripper.

Then they have to go to umpteen fittings of a borrowed suit.

Then they have to stand up and entertain 100 people for 15 minutes under the watchful eye of a bride who expects a Night at the Palladium’s comedy act with no swearing or reference to a shared past with the groom she hasn’t been made explicitly aware of.

I’d hesitate to be overjoyed at being asked.

How much pressure can it have been? All he needs to do is organise some blokes to go to the pub.

He’s clearly cba, I would recalibrate the friendship on that basis. Would stop short of uninviting them because it would just create more hassle.

I agree that it sounds as though your conception of best man duties is pretty onerous, if you were already offering him ‘organising’ help several months ago, for a wedding that isn’t until next May, not to mention offering to let a bridesmaid give his speech!

Isn’t it possible that it feels as if you have enormous expectations of his role, rather than just him saying ‘we’re meeting in pub X on night Y’ and standing next to the groom on the day and offering toasts and thanks? And that he feels you’ve thought for some time he’s not up to your conception of how the role is performed, and is wary of being micromanaged? The ‘I don’t care about the wedding’ could have been an outburst from someone who’s just a bit tired of your wedding taking up all the bandwidth, rather than a suggestion he’s not genuinely fond of your fiancé.

And as regards distancing himself, isn’t it also possible that he feels your whole friendship group is claustrophobic, if you’re all friends, all work in the same place in the same role, AND you and your fiancé are marrying ‘inside the group’? Are your bridesmaids also from the same friendship group? I’d want a partner from outside the group, too, in his shoes.

It all sounds very full-on.

To be fair to the OP she didn't say she had a go at the BM for not organising the stag, she just said he hasn't done it. Given he has shown no interest in the wedding and has now dropped out i don't think he was ever planning to organise anything.

I think you and your DP need to chat about it and decide if you need to have a chat with the BM to get to the bottom of why he felt he had to drop out and then decide if he should still be invited.

I think the impact on the rest of the friendship group, if you disinvited him would be too great. Unless your dh is adamant he doesn't want him, I'd just do my utmost to calm things down and minimise the group impact.

Ok this may be outing for me but I did actually drop out of a friends wedding (chief bridesmaid role) as she was having a fling with the grooms BF and I couldn't take the stress of playing along with her charade any more.
I try not to judge usually but the groom was a good mate and I was gutted for him.
I told her why I couldn't do it.
She chose to tell everyone that I had just let her down and had chosen to go on holiday instead so the blame was squarely on me. Her family never forgave me!!
Not saying this is the case for you OP but maybe speak to the BM yourself before you start blaming him.

So usually the best man organises the stag and gives the best man speech.
You decided that he wasn't doing those tasks to your standards at least 8/9 MONTHS before the wedding so you told other people to take over those tasks.
Then you bitch and moan behind his back to his other friends??
Yeah, I hope he bins you off and enjoys his life with friends who accord him some respect.

a large portion of his job is event management and speech giving

Maybe he doesn’t want to have to do this out of work too. Maybe he needs to shut off from this when he’s not in work and the last thing he wants is to get home and have to get back into event planning and speech writing mode

For the record we generally have been very careful to not talk about our wedding that much, we know how irritating it is for other people. We offered help as we felt that generally a problem shared is a problem halved. He seemed to have massive ideas at the beginning (think 3 day long trip overseas) and we very much had to cool him down and say a night at the pub would be perfectly fine. I think people are getting the impression that we have been at his neck, when really this has a bit come out of the blue and we see it more of a confirmation of what we hoped was just a suspicion that he didn't really like us that much anymore! Which is fine, but we are on a budget and if that's how he feels I'd rather invite someone else, if you see what I mean?

you sound a little Bridezilla/control freaky, and as if you're organising the wedding for everyone else but you.

Can both these be true? Surely bridezilla is “I want it my way no matter what” whereas she has been bending over backwards to make others comfortable.

OP, this really is up to your DH, it’s his best man. But if they are coming you need to make your peace with it otherwise it will bother you on the day.

Him saying he doesn’t care is likely man speak for “I’m terrified of doing the speech” or something. He gave plenty notice so hasn’t left you high and dry.

we very much had to cool him down and say a night at the pub would be perfectly fine

And he can’t be arsed to do that. Thus he’s not the friend you thought he was.

Don't un-invite him but just accept that (for whatever reason) he won't be organising anything. If the friendship between him and DP is going to die a natural death, let that happen independently of this wedding. You don't want your wedding to be used to cut off a friendship completely.
Plenty of people just are not good at organising weddings and cannot get interested in "the event" in spite of the fact that they love the people getting married.

I don’t think this is the time to make the sort of declaration “you’re uninvited” will make. Once you do that, it’s like the nuclear option, and you may not have the sort of control over the repercussions that you’d like.

Let the invite stand. It gives everyone the chance to re-set their friendship lines. If you all chose to go your separate ways after your wedding, chalk it down to the “well that’s a pity but it happens” category of life.

And he can’t be arsed to do that. Thus he’s not the friend you thought he was.

Yes because a night out at the pub needs planning in January for May