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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want this couple at my wedding?

105 replies

LemonadeAndSchnapps · 26/01/2019 09:18

We are due to get married in May of this year. All of the wedding stress is starting to build now. I've tried my best to make it work for everyone; a hen do everyone wanted, dresses all the bridesmaids would feel comfortable in, etc. But now it's all starting to slot into place.

The best man has been a bit rubbish. He hasn't yet organised the stag, and generally had been uninterested. Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding. I'm not expecting everyone to care about my wedding as me, but I think that comment hurt my DP.

And then on Thursday he dropped out! His reasoning was that he said that nothing would get done if it was left to him. This is the most organised man I know, so I pressed to see if there was another reason and he didn't have one. I'm seriously at a loss as to why he would do this, other than genuinely not caring about my DP that much. I don't think it helps that my bridesmaids are awesome and all falling over each other to help!

We are part of a friendship group and have always been very close, but now I just don't want this man and his partner to come. I feel they have really hurt my partner and I don't want them there. But I don't want this to be a huge bridezilla reaction. Invitations have already gone out. Would it be unreasonable to tell them I don't want them there?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 26/01/2019 09:54

I’m not sure what you should do but I wouldn’t particularly want him them either!

MarthasGinYard · 26/01/2019 09:54

I think there's more to it

How long have your DP and his best man been friends?

It's certainly up to him what happens next

BeatNickBeamer · 26/01/2019 09:58

Perhaps he felt too pressured into organising things for the wedding. Traditionally a best man organises night out in town with friends (most of whom he would already know) and offers moral support on the big day. What were you expecting him to do? I get the impression you wanted a fairly large commitment from him which he may not be able or want to provide.

It could also be he has personal reasons that the wedding is difficult for him. I wouldn't uninvite him personally just because he doesn't want to be best man. Surely it won't take long to organise a stag do (your wedding is months away!) and choose someone else to stand up next to DH on the day so it isn't like it's a big problem he's created anyway.

FlipF · 26/01/2019 09:59

Not being interested in someone’s wedding and not wanting to organize a stag do doesn’t mean someone isn’t a good friend. I’d HATE to organize someone else’s stag do. Look at all the hen/stag related dramas that go on that get discussed on Mumsnet.

Also, I’m not sure that a bloke ‘not being interested’ in someone else’s wedding is that much of a shocker. How is he supposed to show he is interested? Admire the colour scheme??
Your bridesmaid was unkind and stirring to pass on the fact the best man said he wasn’t interesed in your wedding.

Unless there is some back story I’d let him stand down and chose someone else. No drama and no hurt feeling necessary.

I think uninviting him would be spiteful.

CatnissEverdene · 26/01/2019 09:59

Why not just ask?

CatnissEverdene · 26/01/2019 10:00

Sorry, that's not clear... I meant just ask why he doesn't want to do it.

It must be really shit for your fiance.

HeresMe · 26/01/2019 10:02

Got to pick up on this bit getting married in May and complaining he hasn't organised the stag do, I was best man at a May wedding I organised it in April to take place end of April, you offered your brother's help as organised lots. You seem to be coming across pushy to me.

He doesn't care about the wedding bit is not on though, although he might be sick of hearing about it.

XiCi · 26/01/2019 10:05

Any chance he has feelings for you? I'd imagine that would make being the best man pretty awful and would explain why he didn't care about the wedding.

Iloveautumnleaves · 26/01/2019 10:06

It’s your wedding, if neither of you want someone there, then you're quite at liberty to tell them not to attend.

However, you are the ones who will be dealing with the consequences.

No one here knows any of you, so only you can decide what to do ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

Given he’s been your friend longer, why don’t you talk to him? Ask him what’s going on?

Sounds like your DBro has a role in your wedding now! Though it seems a bit sad your DF doesn’t have a mate he wants to ask.

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 26/01/2019 10:06

I'm sorry but you sound a little Bridezilla/control freaky, and as if you're organising the wedding for everyone else but you. It's really up to the groom to talk to his best man (despite you knowing him longer he's chosen him to be his best man). There may be other reasons but can't your OH take him for a beer and find out?

Noodledoodlesandspud · 26/01/2019 10:07

I don't really have an answer, but it does sound odd. Has you partner asked him why he's dropped out?

HeddaGarbled · 26/01/2019 10:07

Yes, it would be unreasonable to uninvite them. That would just be escalating the drama at a time when you want things to be calm and undramatic. Just let it go now. It could well be that your friendship with this man will cool off now but it can cool off in a dignified way, not with an EastEnders style bust-up just before your wedding.

NotTheFordType · 26/01/2019 10:08

He hasn't yet organised the stag, and generally had been uninterested. Told my chief bridesmaid that he just didn't care about the wedding.

Who needs to "organise" a stag? The groom just goes out with his male friends and gets bladdered, then orders a hooker.

Why should anyone who's not getting married care about your wedding? It's a party not a funeral.

icylakes · 26/01/2019 10:08

As a pp said, it is not that close and a Stag Do could easily have been organised in the time. Really all this often involves is a night around town. Meal, drink, maybe a club. What's really to organise? Book a table at a restaurant? Book taxis? Tell everyone.

What else? Why complicate things?

Butteredghost · 26/01/2019 10:10

I think YABU. There are threads on here all the time - people saying they are a bridesmaid but now they are busy with work/have financial troubles/are pregnant /hate or don't care about weddings/can't do public speaking/a million other reasons. The response is always "just tell your friend you are stepping down - they won't mind". Surely he is doing you a favour by stepping down now rather than under delivering. Also a bit weird how his main job is "event management". Surely that's your job. His main job is standing there.

TheFaerieQueene · 26/01/2019 10:12

I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t turn up on the day. A convenient bout of D & V is my bet!

BlackCatSleeping · 26/01/2019 10:12

Can you meet up for lunch or drinks or something with him and ask him what happened?

I think this kind of conversation needs to be face to face.

DippyAvocado · 26/01/2019 10:12

What organising does he actually need to do though? What are your expectations other than turn up in a suit and stand next to the groom? I know it's traditional for the best man/bridesmaids to organise a stag or hen do but I find the concept a bit strange. If your DH wants a stag do that he will enjoy, the best thing to do is organise it himself. I think it's a bit of an imposition really to expect someone else to do it, especially as they are unlikely to know all your friends.

The worst thing about being a best man is probably having to give a speech. I imagine this is what would put most people off. There's plenty of time for your DH to find someone else who's willing to do it though.

FullOfJellyBeans · 26/01/2019 10:14

I get the impression you're a bit high maintenance over the wedding. It's months away and you're bemoaning that the stag do isn't organised?! Surely all that needs to be done is a group whatsapp saying we'll meet at X pub at X o clock Saturday night let me know who's in?

Why on earth did the Bridesmaid pass on the info about him not caring about the wedding? In all honesty most people probably don't care about the details of your wedding (even though they're happy for you). It's a party and it's months away. He probably just made a passing comment and didn't think it would be passed on to you guys.

Cyw2018 · 26/01/2019 10:16

Best man choice and stag do (if there is one at all) is you fiancees domain, and not yours.

Did you df best friend drop out as a result of your comment? As that is highly disrespectful to your df.

Does your df even want a big stag do planned months ahead, or is this something you have just assumed?

It is easy to get swept up in the craziness of wedding planning and to end up micro managing it even at the expense of your df wishes. I think you need to talk openly to df about what he wants with regard to the wedding, not just on this matter. You may be surprised what you hear.

AnnaFiveTowns · 26/01/2019 10:16

This could well be nerves. I would hate to have to deliver a long, funny speech to a large audience.

shpoot · 26/01/2019 10:17

I think he's sick of hearing about the wedding. Your bridesmaid hasn't been "amazing". She's stirred the pot by telling you he didn't care. Why does he have to care about your wedding?

It's one day. Don't bore everyone with every single detail for the next 5 months. And no, don't uninvite him. He's been honest, sounds like a lot was expected of him. I'm assuming trips abroad etc? Not surprised he cba

birdonawire1 · 26/01/2019 10:18

Find someone else to be best man. Invite the ex best man and his gf but park them somewhere at the back of the reception and just forget the whole thing. I say invite him because falling out now would be worse in the long run as he may return to his former self (no idea why he could be acting up like this). If he remains an arse then slowly drop him from future meetings or just ignore him. Not worth all the hassle at this tense time.

diddl · 26/01/2019 10:21

It's only January!!

Organise a stag-how long does that take?

What else does he need to do?

Sounds to me as if you might be expecting too much tbh.

ainsisoisje · 26/01/2019 10:24

We sensed he could be nervous a few months ago so we offered some help

I imagine he felt managed and slightly patronised by the ‘help’. Did he ask for help at all? Or was it foisted on him. Taking away the speech is a huge deal, you basically implied you don’t trust him and he’s essentially best man in name only.

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