Inlaw issues part 2. Not understanding boundaries.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

I posted before about in-laws not respecting my boundaries regarding lots of visitors after a traumatic birth that involved me nearly dying and at one point thinking I was going to die. They've now done it again only this time MIL has now joined in.

I agreed for MIL to come on her own. DH has told her that to ease my anxiety that she needs to turn up on time, only stay for a couple of hours and not take loads of pictures as I am still recovering from the birth and don't want photos of me and the house looking rubbish and I also don't like people taking lots of photos of my children. I have social anxiety and hate things like this and DH explained to her.

She blew up saying how dare she impose conditions on me, that she'll take as many photos of the kids as she damn well wants and she'll turn up when she wants or not at all, and that I'm being unreasonable and clearly I don't like her.

I told DH that while I previously had no issue with her, I now feel that she doesn't respect my boundaries and that if she doesn't respect small boundaries what else will she disrespect me on? And as a result I now feel uncomfortable around her.

DH is having a go at me saying he's in awkward position and I'm ruining his relationship with his mother. I said that his mother is ruining it herself by not understanding that I almost died giving birth and feel vulnerable and traumatised and just don't want lots of people and fuss around me

Where do we go from here?

If your DH can’t see that his mum ‘blowing up’ and saying essentially she’ll do whatever the hell she wants with YOUR children then you have a major problem.

Sorry for your traumatic birth it’s a time when you really need your dh to step up and look after you and protect you from the batshit.

What did your dh say to her saying - I’ll turn up when I like and take as many pictures as I want of your kids?!

He could move back with his mother if he feels that's the relationship he wants.

She blew up saying how dare she impose conditions on me, that she'll take as many photos of the kids as she damn well wants and she'll turn up when she wants or not at all, and that I'm being unreasonable and clearly I don't like her.

Personally I'd now tell her she is not welcome to visit after the birth at all, until you say so. You have her the opportunity and she kicked off. Your DH needs to respect that it is YOU that has carried this baby, YOU that gives birth, YOU that have anxieties about previous experiences (I'm sure he does too) and YOU that needs to recover. When it comes to things like labour, IMO, the mother calls the shots.

I'm really upset with DH because I feel like he's blaming me for being anxious. He puts up a united front supporting me to her but he then moans that I'm being unfair

No, she won’t turn up when she wants and no, she won’t take as many photos as she wants. Your babies, your rules. If she can’t abide by them, she doesn’t get to see them at all. Tough shit. If your DP can’t defend you to her, then he really needs to be asked where his priorities lie. Right now is the time he needs to step up and protect you from the madness while you recover.

You need him to separate you being anxious and his mum being batshit.

Even if you had had a dreamy birth and skipped out of hospital, if someone - anyone - said to me they didn’t respect my wishes and were going to ignore me and do whatever they hell they want, there would be hell to pay for.

How the hell are you being unfair? You’re asking her to treat you with respect

As an aside have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety? I had ptsd after a traumatic birth and my gp organised counselling which I felt really helped. Take care of yourself

I wouldn't put conditions on people visiting. V odd

Guess what villanelle? It's not about you. Sheesh.
Op, congratulations and I'm sorry you're dealing with a nasty mil. Dh needs to step up and consistently keep those boundaries between you and her. You should be protected from tbs crazy bellend.Your baby, your rules.

DH and his mum are having a go at me and siding against me now.

I’m sorry to hear that op. Do you have anyone close you can talk to? Or stay with? It’s a very vulnerable time and the one person you need support from is your dh

Do you have support from midwives/health visitors? I’m thinking someone who might have a 24 hour line.

I wouldn’t be staying with a DH that backed his batshit crazy mother over me.

They're trying to say I am unstable because I have social anxiety. I can't stop crying.

Sweetheart tell them both to get fucked
Your 'D'H sounds like an absolute knob, he should be supporting you at such a hard time not going against you. Your MIL is awful and doesn't deserve to be anywhere near your babies.
Tell her she's unwelcome and tell your husband to piss off to his beloved mothers house for a few days too while you're on.
Do you have any family or friends you could call for some support? Sorry you're having to deal with all this right now x

You need to access support. Has your health visitor been round yet? Is your mil there? She needs to fuck off and leave you in peace. Then you can have a calm conversation with your dh.

Oh Op, you're really having a shitty time of it.
Is there any way you can take DC elsewhere for a few days? Can you visit your mum? This environment is clearly at best unhealthy and at worst toxic.
You are vulnerable not unstable and I'm angry on your behalf.
Hope someone comes along with something more constructive for you.
and

Health visitor has been. I'm speaking to my mum now. DH is claiming I am being horrible by saying I don't want MIL coming for a long time.

I can't stop crying. DH and his mum are conspiring now and I feel like they're going to try and take the kids to MILs behind my back. My daughter and I nearly died and now I feel like I am going to lose her again

Honestly, some men have the emotional intelligence of a brick. Stand firm on it, you need rest and bonding time with your kids. He needs to back you the fuck up regarding his Mum. She sounds a right pain in the backside

Just told DH that every time I close my eyes I see myself be rushed through the doors thinking I was going to die and remembering me shouting just save the babies and he said "Well I know that's horrible, and I'm not saying it wasn't, but that doesn't give you the right to say MIL can't come"

I wish I'd died in that c section.

I am sorry for your experience. Have your u been offered professional help? I think you need to talk to a therapist to deal with your experience and the aftermaths as it seems to Impact on your life now.

Could you put a stop on all visitors, sit down with your DH and talk about what is going on. Then make rule, together, how to go forward.

The baby is his as well, I think he also can say if a person can visit, as long as you are all comfortable and happy. This may also include your family for the moment.

You two need to come to a solution, then the rest comes. But I do think professional help, also for your partner is vital, he needs to understand you ur feelings and way of thinking now.

Op they are bullying you

You need someone on your side. Do you have family you can stay with for a while?

It's reasonable for MIL to want to visit but it is not reasonable for her to turn up whenever she likes and do whatever she likes in your home and with your children. Your husband needs to support you and set some boundaries with her! Especially when you've recently given birth and understandably feeling vulnerable. What an idiot.

It's not even like you said she can't visit at all either!

Can you show him some of the responses here maybe to help him understand? Hope he starts supporting you x

Ive had your experience and now 25 years later wish I had told them all to just fuck off. I was a new mum having had a traumatic birth with a baby who didnt sleep and a VERY selfish mother,

How old is baby? Have you put the same visiting conditions on your Mum visiting?

What a terrible time for you. Can you get your mum round ASAP for some support? YANBU in the slightest.

OP, am I remembering correctly and you had twins and they’ve just come home after weeks in NICU?

It sounds like you may have PTSD and you need support, not in-laws pitching up stomping on your boundaries.

Your DH is not being helpful and he needs to get behind you and not only shield you from his mum’s craziness, but also do whatever he needs to to help you. He may also have issues surrounding the birth, but to be brutal, he needs to woman up and put you first. You and your baby/babies are number one priority right now and his family need to back off.

Can your mum come to stay? It will cause an argument for another day, but you need someone in your corner until you get through the next few weeks. You need to have time to bond and to start being a mum.

Did you mention how you’re feeling to the HV? I’m sure there is help available for traumatic births...other posters will be able to help.

If you have had twins, they are absolutely amazing, exhausting, challenging, rewarding and utterly incredible. The first few weeks are intense and we didn’t have anything like what you’ve been through.

I hope your DH sees sense, stops adding pressure to you and starts being the support you need