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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inlaw issues part 2. Not understanding boundaries.

119 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 25/01/2019 18:24

I posted before about in-laws not respecting my boundaries regarding lots of visitors after a traumatic birth that involved me nearly dying and at one point thinking I was going to die. They've now done it again only this time MIL has now joined in.

I agreed for MIL to come on her own. DH has told her that to ease my anxiety that she needs to turn up on time, only stay for a couple of hours and not take loads of pictures as I am still recovering from the birth and don't want photos of me and the house looking rubbish and I also don't like people taking lots of photos of my children. I have social anxiety and hate things like this and DH explained to her.

She blew up saying how dare she impose conditions on me, that she'll take as many photos of the kids as she damn well wants and she'll turn up when she wants or not at all, and that I'm being unreasonable and clearly I don't like her.

I told DH that while I previously had no issue with her, I now feel that she doesn't respect my boundaries and that if she doesn't respect small boundaries what else will she disrespect me on? And as a result I now feel uncomfortable around her.

DH is having a go at me saying he's in awkward position and I'm ruining his relationship with his mother. I said that his mother is ruining it herself by not understanding that I almost died giving birth and feel vulnerable and traumatised and just don't want lots of people and fuss around me Sad

Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 17:55

She has visited the babies in case it comes over she hasn't. She's seen them in hospital every other week so it's not that I've said she can't see them. It's just I want some space at home to feel comfortable as I feel vulnerable and just want to relax.

OP posts:
Motoko · 26/01/2019 19:50

I do agree with this - could your DH come to an agreement with her for a short visit, just her and FiL only a couple of photographs?

She had this offer! It wasn't good enough, hence her having a tantrum now. She's brought this on herself.

What is it about these grandmothers who feel that the child belongs to them? I've never been like that with my granddaughter. I see her when it's suitable for her mum, and consequently, we all have a good relationship.

It's not rocket science.

SilverySurfer · 26/01/2019 19:54

Binglebong I do hope you meant capitulation and not copulation Grin

Sorry I must have missed something in OP's posts. and I usually ensure I have RTFT before posting.

I mistakenly thought she had not seen your babies. If she saw them in hospital then she is being completely ridiculous. Of course this is going to upset you just when you need the most support and understanding. It must also be hard for your DH, he obviously wants to support you but he has Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) re his DM and getting past that to the point where he can point out her behaviour is completely unacceptable, without feeling FOG is a long hard road.

I think I would be turning off phones for a while and you can concentrate on looking after your little ones.

Wishing you all the very best Flowers

Binglebong · 26/01/2019 20:03

Oops!Blush

I believe MIL also saw them at home.

llangennith · 26/01/2019 20:12

Your DH needs to stop engaging with his mother about this. Ignore her for a day or two so you can relax and bond as a family.

She sounds deranged and manipulative whatever her culture.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 27/01/2019 12:04

Today's messages include being told to make sure his children don't backchat their elders and assurances that she will be checking up on us daily as I am untrustworthy. DH is still trying to keep the peace. I've told him it would mean a lot to me if at this point he just told her to not speak about me like this but he said he understands why she feels upset as she feels I've disrespected her culture even though I haven't, and so as it's not "malicious" he doesn't want to add to the argument. He has asked her to respect me to be fair but I feel like he isn't on my side Sad

OP posts:
Binglebong · 27/01/2019 12:22

The "don't backchat their elders" is her oh so subtle way of saying she thinks that's what you and dh are doing in not letting her rule.

I think, if you can, you need to tell him you had never considered leaving him but this business with his mother is making you question it. That you will not be checked on like an unruly child, you are an adult woman and mother, capable of making your own decisions on your, your own children and who is allowed in your own house. And I really think you need to discuss moving away from her reach (although that will likely resort in her staying with you on visits unless you go nc).

And please get any evidence you cannot what is texted to you and your husband and store on a cloud she and your husbsnd can't access. I can see her sueing for grandparent access and that would be a really really bad idea (although she won't win but it will cause stress).

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 27/01/2019 12:26

Bingle I've told DH this but he shuts down and says I'm attacking his mum and she's only upset because she's not used to my ways and I'm not used to hers. He's bloody blind to her manipulation!

I'm not as upset now, I'm more angry that she's doing this. I've mentioned moving before as I've always wanted

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 27/01/2019 12:27

Entered too soon.

I've always wanted to move nearer Scotland but DH won't have it.

She accused me of "gathering evidence" against DH and said I'm plotting. I've told him I'm not and that as he hasn't done anything I've nothing to gather. I'm not deleting the arsey texts from her though.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 27/01/2019 12:37

She sounds utterly demented OP.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 27/01/2019 12:40

I think so too but DH, while mildly irritated, doesn't seem half as disturbed as I am by this

OP posts:
stillworkingitout · 27/01/2019 13:01

I’ve been through a less extreme version of this. Incredibly stressful and incredibly unfair. I was not so well after my first baby (emergency forceps when theatre was busy), and the cultural differences were a big shock. They didn’t seem to matter before babies. We had big arguments about what to name baby, with his parents trying to dictate. I felt persecuted almost daily about whatever I was doing. Phone calls detailing what I’ve done to be a disappointment and how I’m failing as a parent. It made me feel very isolated and lonely. I’ve no idea how much of my feelings were PND related, but some was.

I just wanted to say that 4.5 years (and one more baby) on things are much better. I’m not close with my in laws but we are able to have a much more balanced relationship now. There have been awful times in between, where my culture and ways have been attacked and eroded, and I don’t think we will ever be really close but we get by.

I think it’s important for your husband to fight your corner but in time you will also learn to support him in this. It’s hard for him to stand up to them. It’s great that is trying to.

I think you really should try and get some help for PND/trauma. I didn’t mostly because I didn’t realise until my second child how poorly I had been with my first. Life can be easier for you with support in place.

CookiesandCrisps · 27/01/2019 13:36

I had my first and had pnd due to the stress of her being a sickly prem baby. It's so hard. Defiantly get emotional support from the doctors in that respect so you are strong enough to fight your own corner.

With my dc2 it was my partners first baby. His mother was the same. Nasty and vicious with no reason to be. She made demand and wanted everything her way.
I believe your mil is using her culture as an excuse to get her own way. And have things done her way.
(In certain cultures yes families are involved but it is usually the dil's family that take the lead from what I believe.)
My dp never stood up for me so I asked him to leave. He came back 2 months late very apologetic and saw the truth. But until he has a lightbulb moment of clarity he will never be fully on one side. He will always sit on the fence until he has to choose.
Good luck. And keep letting your mum defend and support you when you struggle. She will be a great help to you Flowers

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 27/01/2019 13:38

I don't think I have PND because when she's not involved I feel perfectly fine. It's just her who makes me feel like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 27/01/2019 13:39

But until he has a lightbulb moment of clarity he will never be fully on one side. He will always sit on the fence until he has to choose.

This is how I feel! He's always acting like were both at fault even though she is the aggressor!

OP posts:
mayflower43 · 27/01/2019 14:10

He's coping with the birth okay. He thinks were lucky we survived and is thankful for it

I am so sorry for the trauma you have been through, and continue to go through. However...

I feel for your DH too. Watching/knowing someone you love nearly die is (in my experience) as painful and stressful as going through it yourself, sometimes even more. Also the stress you have been through with the twin's ill health, your DH went through also. Indeed it must have been extra stressful as (hopefully) he was trying to support you through it too. Now you are at home and have stated you have the support of your own DM, and not only has he not had the support of his DM (even if that is her fault) but is coping with all the bad feeling/problems too. Even the midwives/health visitors are naturally concerned with you and the babies, and I cannot help but think who is looking out for your DH...certainly not his parents. So although I understand how awful it is from your POV, I wonder if it is equally as bad for your DH too, and realise he must feel so torn and maybe so desperate for the support from his parents too. I feel for him dreadfully.

Having had a similiar situation (not in the in laws part but the near death experience/losing a child etc) a year later my DH went into a very deep and clinical depression, which I know was caused by having to be strong and supportive of me, at a time when no one was thinking or supportive of him.

If I could turn back the clock, no matter how ill or emotional and suicidal I was at losing a child and being unable to have another, I would have thought of his feelings more too. As looking back I can see it was much worse for him than it was for me - though I was too self centred to realise it then.

Good luck and best wishes to you all.

sherrysfortea · 27/01/2019 19:01

You need to tell your DH to just fuck off and leave if he doesn't think you are trustworthy. By enabling her behaviour and not standing up to her he is conceding this notion.

GreenTulips · 27/01/2019 19:41

shuts down and says I'm attacking his mum

Repeat ‘I am not attacking your mother because I want X Y Z - I am a new mother and have had a traumatic time - you need to respect my right to privacy and peace’

Bluearsedfly36 · 27/01/2019 20:17

Sorry OP but "D"H seems as bad as your MIL. I couldn't cope with that anytime never mind after the rough ride you've just had. Can you not go to your mum's for a few days because It sounds like he is also a big part of the problem xx

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