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Original poster

Inlaw issues part 2. Not understanding boundaries.

119 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 25/01/2019 18:24

I posted before about in-laws not respecting my boundaries regarding lots of visitors after a traumatic birth that involved me nearly dying and at one point thinking I was going to die. They've now done it again only this time MIL has now joined in.

I agreed for MIL to come on her own. DH has told her that to ease my anxiety that she needs to turn up on time, only stay for a couple of hours and not take loads of pictures as I am still recovering from the birth and don't want photos of me and the house looking rubbish and I also don't like people taking lots of photos of my children. I have social anxiety and hate things like this and DH explained to her.

She blew up saying how dare she impose conditions on me, that she'll take as many photos of the kids as she damn well wants and she'll turn up when she wants or not at all, and that I'm being unreasonable and clearly I don't like her.

I told DH that while I previously had no issue with her, I now feel that she doesn't respect my boundaries and that if she doesn't respect small boundaries what else will she disrespect me on? And as a result I now feel uncomfortable around her.

DH is having a go at me saying he's in awkward position and I'm ruining his relationship with his mother. I said that his mother is ruining it herself by not understanding that I almost died giving birth and feel vulnerable and traumatised and just don't want lots of people and fuss around me Sad

Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 16:13

She has said I am untrustworthy and she will never trust me again and that I am planning this. What this is I have no idea. I just want some space to get to have time with my babies that I missed due to them and me being unwell. Sad

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 26/01/2019 16:14

The best thing your dh can do is text back and tell his mother

to stop being ridiculous I won’t tolerate this nonsense from you. Come round and visit for a couple of hours that suit the babies routine. Stop being silly and start being a good MIL and grandma to my family

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/01/2019 16:16

Sorry op. Sounds stressful. What does your dh say about that? He must realise that she has overstepped the mark from concerned grandmother into batshit controlling narcissist?

Has he reassured you that this is definitely not normal? He needs to be very clear to both you and her that she’s being utterly unreasonable.

I would get your hv or gp to speak to your dh (after you’ve met privately) to explain why you need zero stress and to perhaps better explain what you’ve been through. And perhaps it needs spelling out that your anxiety does not make you a bad mother or any of the things your mil is throwing at you.

Just as an aside. How is your dh coping after the birth? Obviously it’s not the same (and not at all an excuse for not having your back) but my dh still can’t and won’t talk about my and our dcs near death experience many years on. So im just wondering if he may need some support too.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 16:21

He's trying to say she's just upset but that response isn't normal either. He keeps telling her to calm down but she still continues. She's told him to go through my phone and delete any incriminating texts from her Hmm

Fucking crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 16:23

He's coping with the birth okay. He thinks were lucky we survived and is thankful for it.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 26/01/2019 16:33

I hate her!!!

GreenTulips · 26/01/2019 16:38

At least your DH is now trying!

Don’t speak to her let DH deal with the flack after all he lives with you and he needs to put you first

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 16:39

She also said that she hopes my children don't talk to me when they're older because "karma is a bitch". She is absolutely mental.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/01/2019 16:41

Keep typing for reference!

Tell Dah he has 2 babies and a wife to look after and to get off the bloody phone

bigknickersbigknockers · 26/01/2019 16:47

agree with ivykaty44
However this whole situation could have been avoided if you had let her visit. How long do you think you can keep your DHs family away?
Also a PP mentioned postnatal depression.... think this maybe worth checking out.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/01/2019 16:48

Is she saying this shit to you or dh?

Either way - show him. He must tell her to fuck off essentially. I wouldn’t let anyone speak to my dh like that. He’s happy for her to treat you like this?!

ivykaty44 · 26/01/2019 16:49

Karmas a bitch....what did MIL do ?

Inertia · 26/01/2019 16:51

You and DH need to take the heat out of this by ignoring her phone calls and messages- is there a way to temporarily block her number?

And don't delete any of her messages off your phone, you might want to show them to a health care professional. If you think your husband will do it behind your bag, try to screen shot them and save elsewhere.

Jimjamjong · 26/01/2019 17:02

Her attitude has nothing to do with "traditions" or different culture but everything to do with her personality and who she is.
This website could be interesting to read OP: outofthefog.website/
Good luck, I hope the babies and you recover quickly.

GreenTulips · 26/01/2019 17:03

However this whole situation could have been avoided if you had let her visit

These are prem twins and haven’t been home long - she could visit but she expects to bring all random people and be waited on

Pap quite rightly said no

Highonthehill · 26/01/2019 17:06

Op I suffer from anxiety and find if I invite someone round or arrange to meet someone it has to be on time otherwise I get really stressed and my anxiety goes crazy.

Make sure you speak to your hv or midwife about your worries. It sounds like your dh is now on board.

Oh to hopefully make you feel better I am very particular at telling people not to put photos of dd on social media unless on her private page and if anyone has gone against that i have told them to take the photos down. So you are not being unreasonable asking for huge amounts of photos not to be taken ..i will say though it's nice to have photos of dd with all her family so I can show her in an album and day who everyone is. She doesn't get to see them all often so it's a nice reminder to her.

cr1479 · 26/01/2019 17:15

Firstly, sorry for your traumatic birth! I really hope that you start to feel better!
Secondly, I could have written this myself three months ago (I still kind of feel like it now).
I had a horrific pregnancy & birth and also suffer with very bad anxiety.
My MIL was very selfish when dd was born. Wanting to hold her all the time, come over literally everyday, never being bothered about how I felt. All she could see was her role as a grandparent, not letting me, oh and ds adjusts and have time to settle. She started really freaking out that my dd didn't know who she was. So every time I saw her, she would get in her face just repeating "I'm your granny, do you know me?". Even when I was bf or trying to get her to sleep. She would also ask over & over if I wanted her to take dd out for a bit, she's only 3 months now! So I obv didn't feel comfortable with that & still don't. Sometimes she would just turn up at my house. Then stomp off when my oh told her I was really tired, in the middle of bf and didn't want visitors.

Her behaviour made me feel so uncomfortable around her. I had to get oh to really sit down with her and explain my anxiety and how I was feeling. That it's nothing personal against her but I needed this time with no pressure put on me & nothing adding to my anxiety. He basically said that in order to get to where she wants to be, she's going to have to back off for a bit or this is just going to get worse.
My anxiety is made much worse by pregnancy/birth and I needed people to be understanding. It is a temporary thing and with people supporting you everything will go back to normal.
However when people don't, it ends up creating bigger issues that are harder to solve.

I have to be honest, 3 months in and I'm still a bit uncomfortable around MIL but she is better and understanding how I'm feeling and it's getting easier.

I think you need to be very honest with her & your oh with how you would best like them to support you. Just put your foot down.
You need to do what's right for you & your family.

I know how hard it can be! Just be kind to yourself. WineThanks

Bouldghirl · 26/01/2019 17:18

He’s your husband. That should mean something to him. Have you any sisters (or mother) that could have a word with him. He genuinely may not realise how you are feeling.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 26/01/2019 17:20

OP I’m sorry but you need help, and I say that with a kind heart, I know you nearly died, but you didn’t!

Your dh is between a rock and a hard stone here.

Binglebong · 26/01/2019 17:21

OP please take screenshots of her messages and save them on a cloud only you have access to. The chances are that you can then ignore them but I've seen too many instances of gaslighting on here to say don't worry about keeping evidence. One in particular springs to mind.Flowers

So sorry this is happening.

MadeForThis · 26/01/2019 17:31

Don't feel guilty you have done nothing wrong.

You have been through an awful experience and you NEED to spend time with your new little family.

You told her she was welcome to visit. She just had to respect your need for peace and quiet. Keep visits short and only a few photos. Nothing wrong with that.

DH really needs to step up here.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 17:32

She seems to have gone quiet finally. She is so stressful

OP posts:
ElderflowerExplosion · 26/01/2019 17:33

Oh poor OP I really feel for you... you are NOT a failure... try not to feel your MiL has "broken" you - you've had to be strong for so long whilst your babies were in hospital & now you're home it's probably hitting you harder, the last thing you need is a control freak trying to take over your precious time with your new babies. Your MiL needs to calm her shit!! You've been totally reasonable giving her a time when she can visit and its her being out of order, not you. Well done for standing your ground, I'm glad you've got your mum's support xx

SilverySurfer · 26/01/2019 17:44

However this whole situation could have been avoided if you had let her visit

I do agree with this - could your DH come to an agreement with her for a short visit, just her and FiL only a couple of photographs? I suspect knowing your parents have visited is sending her even crazier.

Binglebong · 26/01/2019 17:54

Silvery the MIL had all that. It wasn't enough. Nothing but complete copulation will be.

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