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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inlaw issues part 2. Not understanding boundaries.

119 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 25/01/2019 18:24

I posted before about in-laws not respecting my boundaries regarding lots of visitors after a traumatic birth that involved me nearly dying and at one point thinking I was going to die. They've now done it again only this time MIL has now joined in.

I agreed for MIL to come on her own. DH has told her that to ease my anxiety that she needs to turn up on time, only stay for a couple of hours and not take loads of pictures as I am still recovering from the birth and don't want photos of me and the house looking rubbish and I also don't like people taking lots of photos of my children. I have social anxiety and hate things like this and DH explained to her.

She blew up saying how dare she impose conditions on me, that she'll take as many photos of the kids as she damn well wants and she'll turn up when she wants or not at all, and that I'm being unreasonable and clearly I don't like her.

I told DH that while I previously had no issue with her, I now feel that she doesn't respect my boundaries and that if she doesn't respect small boundaries what else will she disrespect me on? And as a result I now feel uncomfortable around her.

DH is having a go at me saying he's in awkward position and I'm ruining his relationship with his mother. I said that his mother is ruining it herself by not understanding that I almost died giving birth and feel vulnerable and traumatised and just don't want lots of people and fuss around me Sad

Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
Categoric · 26/01/2019 11:03

Your MIL is stuck in the cultural norms of another country and generation.

I have plenty of Asian friends and it is not normal for the DILs to live with their ILs anymore.

It was your DH’s choice to marry out of his culture and his family have to accept that or lose him.

You have chosen to marry into another culture and should respect that culture. BUT you should not have to put up with anything unreasonable.

You are still unwell, your babies are fragile and this has left you not unreasonably anxious. Your MIL should be full of love and concern for you, not disregarding your very understandable feelings

Talk to the HV and ask her to get you some counselling to work through the trauma of the twins’ birth. You may well still be in shock (and that is not a criticism of you at all) .

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/01/2019 11:03

DH needs to lay down the law to his mother that you need gentle and considerate treatment right now. If she wants to see her GC, she needs to accept this. Forget cultural difference, this is about showing common humanity and understanding you have had a traumatic experience.

BonBonVoyage · 26/01/2019 11:06

wearywithteens the OP is not being insensitive to her Mil. That's a really unfair and untrue thing to say.

If op had had a heart attack, nearly died and visitors expected to come when they wanted, stay for as long as they pleased and take as many photos as they wanted it would be totally outrageous.
The OP and her babies NEARLY DIED. She had a major operation and is recovering. Plus is now the mummy of twins.

OP I am so annoyed for you. Your mil should quite frankly F Off. Your DH needs to cop on. You are not getting the support you deserve

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 11:12

I will speak to my HV about this. I'm really upset as I didn't want my anxiety to affect me and it wasn't until his mum did this. I feel really cross that someone else's inconsiderate behaviour has led to me having a panic attack Sad

OP posts:
watchingthebirds · 26/01/2019 11:14

Hi OP.

Congratulations on the arrival of your twins.

What a difficult situation you are in. I am glad your dh has apologised. He and your mum need to support you. Dh, you and your dm need to firmly repeat to mil what is ok in terms of when she can visit.

Please get help for yourself, today. It sounds like you have PTSD. My child is 1 now but I had a very traumatic birth with on going medical problems as a result, including PTSD. Mine wasn't diagnosed until I was readmitted to hospital and had terrible flashbacks and suicidal thoughts. Please contact your health visitor or just call your local perinatal mental health team. This will likely be why you are crying and had a panic attack. I saw an nhs birth trauma psychologist for a year and she helped me a lot.

I am worried that you said you wished you had died in the birth. Your babies need you, you are their whole world (and you always will be). The mil situation will resolve in time. I don't think she is malicious but her actions are awful and she needs to understand that you matter too. Focus on your health and your babies.

If you are on Facebook, please consider joining the private group Birth Trauma Association. You are not alone, many of us have had traumatic births and it's a very supportive group.

For information on PTSD triggered by birth, useful to show dh, dm and dmil:
www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/for-parents/what-is-birth-trauma

irth Trauma charity: www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/#

If you feel low please speak to your mum, another loved one or call the Samaritans 24hrs on 116123.

Feel free to pm me.

Stepmum3 · 26/01/2019 11:14

Not sure if you would be happy with this. However, I will suggest what dad taking babies over to his family instead. Not sure on their health or history just a suggestion and gives you a little break.

I am just trying to see both sides. DH is trying to please the most important women in his life, so can understand how torn he feels. Then I also look at it from a mother of a son and think how I would want to be there for him and partner and if I am honest would feel a bit upset if I was given set times as if I was unwanted or something. It’s so difficult. But needless to say I would want to be supportive rather than domineering.

Wearywithteens · 26/01/2019 11:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

grinchypants · 26/01/2019 11:56

I'm sorry you feel like this OP. Please try not to feel like a failure. You're in a very overwhelming situation and you've been through a lot of trauma, so be kind to yourself and focus on you, not your mil.

Please remember to try and be kind to your partner. I don't think people realise that this can also be a very stressful and overwhelming time for men too. He's in an awful situation and it must have been scary for him watching you in hospital and feeling helpless, he's probably not had much chance to actually figure out or catch up with his own feelings because he needs to put yours first at the moment, and his mother is pushing him to put her feelings before his, so he isn't actually allowed any chance to catch up with himself and it's a lot of pressure to be under.

It's bad enough that she's acting like that with him, all I'm saying is don't be tempted to make it into a huge situation and put more pressure on him than you need to, focus on your little family and take it day by day.

Literally for now just worry about how you will get through today and don't think any further along than that. Make use of all support available and think of strategies to help you cope with things.

So if she pops round, you could let her have whatever you feel comfortable with in terms of time at your house or with the kids, and when you feel enough is enough, if you feel she won't understand that could you take the babies upstairs and pop them down for a nap? Have little rest upstairs with them? I'm sure somebody will be along with better suggestions, just hoping it gets better instead of worse for you and you and dh can support each other through it.

DrunkUnicorn · 26/01/2019 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Streamside · 26/01/2019 12:05

Agree with Giraffesandllamas. I think with the value of hindsight I'd look at my beautiful baby and think what an awesome journey I'd been through and prioritise my own health. I do appreciate this strange hunger that your mil has for baby photos and as a photographer myself I notice these ladies will often pay for boasting book type shoots. Why not give her a few physical photos of the baby and she can't say you're being unreasonable.

Burpsandfustles · 26/01/2019 12:34

This is just awful op. It makes me so cross.

It's interesting what she said about the... Letting you live and you replied.. There was nothing to let... We chose.

My fil always framed this like this too.. It always irritates me.

It's as though he always feels like he is running the show and letting us do things or not do them!

It's really sad op... I don't know what to suggest but your v lucky your mum has stepped in to protect you. Let her.. Don't hold her back...

Motoko · 26/01/2019 12:38

I’m dreading becoming a MIL

Why? If you respect your DIL's boundries, don't insist that you know best, don't push to have your own way, you'll have a good relationship.

The common thread in all these MIL posts, is that the MIL thinks everyone should do as she says, and throws tantrums when someone says no.

Don't be one of "those" MILs, and things will be fine.

Burpsandfustles · 26/01/2019 12:56

Exactly mokoto.

There are more wondeful mils out there than awful ones and we do get... I love my mil threads on here. I can think of many people who I would have loved to have been my Mil.. Because I see how sensitive they are, and kind and supportive.

Mils who are not those who things will run into trouble.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 13:01

She's ringing DH again and now FIL is getting involved, they're still pushing.

OP posts:
Binglebong · 26/01/2019 13:39
Flowers
GinUnicorn · 26/01/2019 13:41

Can you switch your phones off for a bit? I think you need a break from their crazy behaviour. Maybe get your dp to communicate that due to their actions you are all having some time away and will be in touch in a week or so. They need to respect your space. Flowers

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/01/2019 13:45

Your dh needs to tell her/them that if they back off now, and give you time to recover, then things are more likely to improve in future, but if they keep pushing and upsetting you now, they risk never having the relationship they want - either with you or with their grandchildren, because, ultimately, you hold the key to how easy that relationship is.

ColdCrumpetsandButter · 26/01/2019 13:54

Ultimately it's access to the babies she is after. She probably couldn't give a wotsit about you and wants to be the doting grandmother snapping away to show the photos to her cronies. Understandable as she is proud of them however there are ways to go about it. It's not like the old days where the Grandmother gets to Lord herself about demanding this and that of her children and grandchildren. She clearly doesn't respect you or what you've been through as she's now desperate and getting FIL involved.

I'm so sorry they're so very insensitive.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 13:56

DH has told her now to leave me alone and she's said she will be keeping a close eye on him Confused

OP posts:
Binglebong · 26/01/2019 14:08

If you can now be the time to move far away. And make it clear why.

Hanab · 26/01/2019 14:19

Hi OP ..

Congrats on the birth of your twins ...

I know you had a traumatic birth and issues with the in laws too .. please can you talk to your HV and/or GP .. I think you are suffering with PND too .. or something in that area ...

I do hope hubby can stand up to his folks & ask that you are left alone to bond with your previous babies and heal both mentally & physically ...

I wish you only the best 🌷
Take care

Burpsandfustles · 26/01/2019 14:23

Op ask your dh to perhaps not answer the phone. He can choose to let them in or choose not too. Its his choice

ivykaty44 · 26/01/2019 14:36

Sound like this is a person not used to being told no, and someone whom is used to getting their own way. There may also be cultural differences but there is more personality issue unfortunately

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 16:00

She's sending him texts saying I am calculating and manipulative, that my social anxiety is selective and that I'm scheming to leave him and take the kids. Confused

This has at least reassured me it is definitely her who is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 26/01/2019 16:07

She’s just a woman who wants to dote on her grandchild and doesn’t understand why she can’t.

Behave. She WAS given the opportunity to see them; she just threw her toys out of the pram because the OP –reasonably – wanted her to turn up on time, only stay for a couple of hours and not take loads of pictures.

She was already in a pissy mood and determined to find fault with the OP because she couldn't get her precious son to live with her.

OP, I'm glad your DM has stood up for you. I'd tell your DH firmly that you will not tolerate any more shit from his mother and if he doesn't
step up you'll be going to your DM's for some peace and privacy.