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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaw issues part 2. Not understanding boundaries.

119 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 25/01/2019 18:24

I posted before about in-laws not respecting my boundaries regarding lots of visitors after a traumatic birth that involved me nearly dying and at one point thinking I was going to die. They've now done it again only this time MIL has now joined in.

I agreed for MIL to come on her own. DH has told her that to ease my anxiety that she needs to turn up on time, only stay for a couple of hours and not take loads of pictures as I am still recovering from the birth and don't want photos of me and the house looking rubbish and I also don't like people taking lots of photos of my children. I have social anxiety and hate things like this and DH explained to her.

She blew up saying how dare she impose conditions on me, that she'll take as many photos of the kids as she damn well wants and she'll turn up when she wants or not at all, and that I'm being unreasonable and clearly I don't like her.

I told DH that while I previously had no issue with her, I now feel that she doesn't respect my boundaries and that if she doesn't respect small boundaries what else will she disrespect me on? And as a result I now feel uncomfortable around her.

DH is having a go at me saying he's in awkward position and I'm ruining his relationship with his mother. I said that his mother is ruining it herself by not understanding that I almost died giving birth and feel vulnerable and traumatised and just don't want lots of people and fuss around me Sad

Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
WinterWife · 26/01/2019 09:05

Have you put the same visiting conditions on your Mum visiting?

Sorry but think it's completely different. The OPs needs and wants are important here so if she wants her own mother there to support her and not her MIL then that's fine. Same as if it was the other way round.

Mumofaprinny · 26/01/2019 09:14

I hope your feeling better today Op. x ❤️ Yanbu

Livelovebehappy · 26/01/2019 09:14

Don’t use this as an excuse to creat a rift between you/Dp and MIL. just repeat your boundaries to her in a calm reasonable way. I’ve seen families fall out over things like this and not speak for years. In the grand scheme of things it’s not that massive an issue if handled in the right way.

LaLoba · 26/01/2019 09:19

They're trying to say I am unstable because I have social anxiety. I can't stop crying.

I think others can give better advice about what you’ve been through and how to handle this, but this ^ is fucking horrible of them.
You are making a reasonable request, and her reaction is unstable, not yours.
And if you WERE unstable, it would be understandable after everything you’ve been through and they both should be supporting you by respecting your boundaries.
I hope you can get someone who has your back to support you.

MashedSpud · 26/01/2019 09:27

I replied to your previous post and honestly you have a few options:

The first is give in and let them take over because they will anyway, second is move away, very far away, like the other end of the country so their visits will be limited or thirdly get a divorce and hide the kids passports.

Try not to cry in front of them or they will take steps and accuse you of being an unfit mother etc because you aren’t playing it their way.

Sorry you’re going through this, it brings up horrible memories of my first marriage but thankfully they all went NC as soon as I divorced exH.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/01/2019 09:38

Hi op. How are you this morning?

Sorry I didn’t know you’d posted before. I will try and find the thread and catch up. But if it’s ongoing it sounds like you have a real battle. Have you spoken to anyone - a medical professional, health visitor, gp etc about your anxiety. I strongly believe you need some help - anyone would after going through what you have.

Can your mum come and help? I think you need someone on your side, just looking out for you. Sadly it doesn’t seem like your dh is doing that.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 09:58

Hi everyone thank you for replying. DH has apologised for saying what he said and he apologised for what I thought was ganging up on me. He said he feels really torn because he's being pulled by both me and his mother.

I ended up having a huge row with her. She told me that she'd "let things go" by "letting us live alone" instead of with her and I told her it was never her decision it was always ours so there was nothing to let. I asked her to respect my boundaries as lots of visitors make me anxious and she kept asking "but why" and then trying to come up with excuses and ways around my anxiety.

She then went for telling DH I'm untrustworthy and a bad partner.

DH says she's just upset because she's not used to people "disrespecting her traditions" but it's really upset me to the point I spent the whole night crying. I now feel awful and can barely get out of bed and had a panic attack. DH is now very apologetic but I'm quite annoyed with him because I told him this would happen if I kept getting pressured. I appreciate his apology though as better late than never.

My mum has stepped in now and told MIL to leave me alone. She's now not coming at all.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 26/01/2019 10:06

I think very controlled visits. Your mil knows fine well you are not of her culture, she cannot expect you to follow a subservient role as though you were of her heritage.

Your dh must stand up more to her.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 10:09

She thinks because she hasn't insisted I live with her she's already compromised.

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 10:13

Can you believe it she's on the phone to DH complaining about me AngryAngryAngry he's asking her to give us some space and saying she's actually making it worse for him by doing this.

Why can't she just leave us alone

OP posts:
MutantDisco · 26/01/2019 10:18

Your DH needs to block her.

Do not have a relationship with this toxic woman.

Read Toxic Parents/In-Laws by Susan Forward for more in-depth advice.

Get your mum onside, she will do a better job of blocking this woman than your DH.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 10:21

He won't block her. It would be a huge cultural taboo to do that and I can't ask that of him when he's already gone against convention for me.

I feel so awful today. I just want to enjoy my babies and yet I feel our time together is being tainted by MIL which is something I can never forgive. I had many miscarriages before I had these twins and I never thought I would have them. She's now trying to ruin our first months together

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 26/01/2019 10:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WeCameToDance · 26/01/2019 10:28

Has your dh explained that you are not a part of her culture and what she expects is not the norm for you and to respect that? This situation is ridiculous and you are bearing the brunt of that. I would be telling my dh to either respect me the woman who just nearly died to give him children and block mil or I would be moving back in with my mother. Your mil is bullying you. These are not her shots to call and I wouldnt blame you if you choose to never see the woman again and get your dh to facilitate contact when the twins are old enough.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/01/2019 10:28

I wouldn't put conditions on people visiting. V odd Really? Most of us put conditions on people visiting, eg "come round for dinner" (but go home before bedtime), "come into the sitting room" (but take your shoes off).

Have you put the same visiting conditions on your Mum visiting? I think Mum is adhering to the "don't take loads of photos" isn't she?

Parisbun · 26/01/2019 10:29

Poor you OP. What a lot of fuss your MIL is creating for no good reason. If she had left you alone and waited until you said you were ready to see her you wouldn't have felt so pressured that your DH had to step in. And he wouldn't have felt pressured in turn. Silly woman.
I do wonder though if there are cultural/social pressures she feels she is under which are making her act like this. That's not your problem I know but it may help to understand why she is so keen to see and photograph the babies. Maybe she feels embarrassed by the lack of boasting material he can how to her own social circle.
Could your DH give her some tidbits of information and photos if that's the case? It may help in the long run

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/01/2019 10:30

She's now trying to ruin our first months together No she isn't. Her ideas of what's reasonable are different from yours, but she's not doing it with the purpose of ruining your time together. She sees herself as family, and can't understand why she can't take as many photos as she wants, and come and go as she please. Doesn't say she's right, but I really don't think she's setting our to spoil things for you.

cstaff · 26/01/2019 10:34

That woman sounds so inconsiderate. It's like she only cares about her gc but not her DIL or what shape you are in. Tell your husband to grow a pair. I know it's his mum but she needs to be told and it doesn't sound like she will listen to you.

You are only a vessel for her precious grandchild by the sounds of it.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 10:35

My mum doesn't take loads of photos or film them or pit pressure on me to host guests. I even said I don't mind a couple of quick snaps which is what my mum does, but I don't want lots of posing the children into "good angles" because they've been through a lot and I just want them not to be messed with.

He has explained that as I'm from a different culture I see it differently. I even said to MIL that in her house I'm happy to abide by her rules and traditions, but that I expect her to do the same in mine. That's what's unacceptable apparently. That I expect the same courtesy back that I show her.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 26/01/2019 10:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 10:44

I had no problems with her seeing the dc though. I just asked for it to not be a long visit as I am not up to it at the moment.

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 26/01/2019 10:49

I had a bit of a similar experience with my ex in-laws and how they were with me just after having my second baby.
He was born overnight, labour relatively quick compared to my first son. However, a bit traumatic as we had a student mw who broke my waters when she shouldn't (ward was full and bursting so needed to get me out quickly I presume). Baby went into shock at suddenness of action and heart rate fell dangerously low. Eventually recovered and delivered at 6am. Showered and then asked to wait in rhe TV room with baby in cot and rest of the world by 9am!!! Turns out baby was sent home and became very poorly as checks not done properly, but that's a story for another day...
At 10.30 am ex MIL comes to our house and asks me to make her a cup of tea! 😲
Having said all this, when I married my ex she went mad at me because I was "Taking her baby away". A thirty year-old baby btw. Pleased to report that I paid her back ten years later by returning him!!!!! 😄
I don't think yabu at all. Has your husband has a quiet word with his mum about things since?

Inertia · 26/01/2019 10:55

Your husband needs to start putting the wellbeing of his children and wife first. You are recovering from an extremely traumatic birth, you're caring for two babies with additional health needs, and your MIL and her family are throwing tantrums.

It sounds like you may need some professional health support yourself, in order to help you recover from the trauma- your comments about wishing you'd died are strong signs that you need help. Unfortunately, your husband is unlikely to help if you voice your feelings to him- you really need to make it crystal clear to your health visitor that you need some professional support with your recovery.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 26/01/2019 10:57

I didn't feel like that until this started. I feel like a total failure. I survived the birth and the NICU only to be broken by my MIL. DH is defending me now as I've spent all morning in tears but I feel hurt that he let this happen first.

OP posts:
Starheart · 26/01/2019 11:02

So sorry with what you are going through and would like to praise your attempts to reinforce the boundaries you and your baby's require to heal .

I would echo other posters with speaking to health professional and other key people about the pressure you are facing. You are doing as well as you can under the circumstances but they can also support you as well and will have your health and well-being as a priority . Please be persistent about reaching out to them and asking for help .

Thanks