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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect bf to want to sit next to me on a plane?

135 replies

thebings · 24/01/2019 12:22

My boyfriend said that he wouldn't spend £100 for a seat next to me on an 8 hr plane journey. He said he'd rather spend that on something else we can do together.

He is very practical in this kind of way a lot but I'm starting to think he actually just doesn't care about me that much?

There are other factors as well making me think this - he never opens up emotionally to me and that's bothered me our whole relationship. He also isn't very interested in sex and we haven't had sex for nearly 2 months but he says it's not because of me. Hard not to worry though and it makes me feel crappy.

We have been together for nearly 2 years.

What would you make of this sort of comment? I asked my sister and she said that her bf would always want to sit next to her as it's part of the fun of travelling, especially for such a long flight.

OP posts:
Original poster
thebings · 24/01/2019 12:42

@Streetwisehercules But for example, the not having sex for 2 months thing - we only just talked about that the other day and very briefly, and only because I brought it up because it was making me so miserable.
If he had said to me, look I'm not feeling great at the moment but it's not your fault, that would have made a big difference.

Do you know what I mean?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/01/2019 12:42

For a hundred quid I'd also take a chance on sitting apart, and we can also afford it, however your story is confused. If you need a checked bag and can afford it, why the discussion? You then get seats together anyway.

mummymeister · 24/01/2019 12:42

thebings - you are not expecting too much. what you are doing is settling. you are settling for a relationship which doesn't meet your needs and you know it doesn't. how old are you both? is this your first longer term relationship?

If he says its not you, then what is the reason for no sex? you have to get to the bottom of this.

Only you know if you can carry on like this. there is no such thing as Mr Right only Mr Compromise and its down to each person to decide what is a compromise too far.

if he wont talk about emotions then you need to do. pick a time when you have time - so the weekend when you aren't rushing about or its not nearly bed time and ask him why no sex and start the conversation off. don't be fobbed off with the its not you its me. if its him is he willing to see a doctor? good luck OP but I think if you don't get some sort of resolution then he isn't really for you.

blackteasplease · 24/01/2019 12:43

I wouldn't be bothered enough to spend £100 to sit together if adults only. I would spend whatever necessary to have an aisle seat though.

JasperKarat · 24/01/2019 12:44

So the £100 is not just for a seat (it's way too much to pay just to sit next to someone else plugged into headphones or sleeping) it's for a checked bag which you'll need for a two week holiday, you pay for yours, if he doesn't want to that's up to him, but he doesn't get any of your luggage allowance.
The other stuff seems more important but you need to address that with him.

Loughers · 24/01/2019 12:44

The "no sex" for 2 months is more of a red flag to me to be honest....

However, unless he's skint then no yanbu

blackteasplease · 24/01/2019 12:44

But this clearly isn't your only issue!

Birdsgottafly · 24/01/2019 12:44

OP why haven't you had sex for two months, what does he say about that?

If it doesn't happen on holiday, you need to be questioning the relationship.

If £100 is easily affordable, then the plane bit is the start of the holiday.

The lack of affection as we as the lack of sex, shows something isn't right.

As for the checked bag, he doesn't get to decide that you can't have one.

It's two weeks, I don't know any man or women who wouldn't want a checked bag for that length of time.

Plabom · 24/01/2019 12:45

Going against the grain, I'd definitely spend the £100 and would want to sit next to my partner on an 8-hour flight.

StreetwiseHercules · 24/01/2019 12:47

“ut for example, the not having sex for 2 months thing - we only just talked about that the other day and very briefly, and only because I brought it up because it was making me so miserable.”

Yes, that probably is a cause for a level of concern. If a man doesn’t want sex it’s generally a sign that there is a physical or mental health issue. These things can almost always be worked on though.

londonrach · 24/01/2019 12:48

£100 is alot of money.

tillytrotter1 · 24/01/2019 12:49

When we travel one of us pays the checked bag rate and chooses their seat, the other pays the cheaper rate then pays a few pounds for a seat next to No 1, who has already chosen their seat! Works very well.
The £100 charge will include extra baggage that he may not need, such a waste.

soupandshake · 24/01/2019 12:50

What's you baggage allowance? No checked bag for 2 weeks might be a challenge, definitely tell him he's not using your allowance.
I wouldn't pay £100 to choose a seat either.

More worrying is the lack of sex.

JammieCodger · 24/01/2019 12:52

I'd happily be separated from my partner, but would spend £100 if it meant I was guaranteed an aisle seat.

Kikipost · 24/01/2019 12:53

I’m with your DP

But it’s veru strange you start a bread about this issue when in fact the problems in your relationship are far broader and deeper than this

Justaboy · 24/01/2019 12:54

Yes, that probably is a cause for a level of concern. If a man doesn’t want sex it’s generally a sign that there is a physical or mental health issue.

Or another woman involved somewhere;?

Wonder if he might be Asexual as wellas a biut emovively quiet?

Dosen't sound like much fun anyway.

Original poster
thebings · 24/01/2019 12:54

@Bluntness100 My ticket would include a checked bag so would be £100 more than his, which would be the cheapest possible economy ticket with hand luggage only. I would get to choose my seat but he wouldn't, I think he finds out his seat no when he checks in so hard for me to pick a seat next to him ahead of time.

I suspect he will want to put some stuff in my checked bag haha. That's what happened on a previous trip. He likes to 'travel light'.

@mummymeister We are both late 20s and yes this is my first long term 'proper' relationship. I sometimes think this is my disadvantage as I don't have much to compare to.

@Birdsgottafly He said that he's was too uncomfortable for anything to happen when he was staying with friends temporarily (and I am living with my parents at the moment).

But then he moved into a new flat (with a flatmate) and it became not being settled in/still feeling uncomfortable. Even when we had the place to ourselves for a whole weekend.

We also went away for a long weekend recently and stayed in a hotel and nothing happened then either (although I tried).

He has said recently (once I managed to start the conversation) that he is not feeling himself at the moment, I suspect a bit of SAD because I am prone to it myself so I know what it's like.

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 24/01/2019 12:54

Must admit we do spend this - and sometimes more 😱 - to sit together and we travel a great deal.

I suffer a little from social anxiety so hate having to try and make polite conversation with complete strangers. Also, the last time we didn't pay and were separated - years ago - I ended up being seated next to a very lovey dovey Honeymoon couple. They were most definitely hoping the aisle seat was going to remain free as we were one of the last to board. I felt really uncomfortable for the whole journey!

However, I agree with other pp's who have suggested this issue appears to be the icing on the cake. I would be tempted to sit down and compile a list of your concerns and then approach him with these. This relationship is not just about how HE feels!

Original poster
thebings · 24/01/2019 12:55

But we have never been super active sexually as although I am quite interested he isn't, he always just says it's not that important to him so I have wondered if he is asexual before.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 24/01/2019 12:55

“Or another woman involved somewhere;?”

Nah. Have never understood that logic.

ladycarlotta · 24/01/2019 12:56

If it's just that if he doesn't check in a bag, he can't select a seat in advance, you can work around that. He'll probably be able to choose a seat at advance check-in, and if he can't then you definitely can, so just select the seat next to his automatically allocated one. You just want to get in promptly when check-in opens.

I know it's not really about that though. This is just a symptom of other issues you have with him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/01/2019 12:58

But we have never been super active sexually as although I am quite interested he isn't, he always just says it's not that important to him so I have wondered if he is asexual before.

Are you happy with that? It doesn't sound like you are and unfortunately; sex tends to decline as a relationship goes on.

That's much more important than whether you spend 8 hours sat together or not. For the record, I'd rather sit with DP whatever the flight length, but I know he prefers not to pay extra - we tend to compromise; but even when we don't sit together, we can spend a lot of the flight together unless we're unlucky.

That's not really the issue here though, you're projecting the sex issue here because it's something you feel like you might be able to win.

Passing4Human · 24/01/2019 12:58

I'd want to sit next to my partner on an 8 hour flight, but I'm a v. anxious flyer and avoid planes if I can help it. If I was "normal" about flying this wouldn't bother me though if it saved money. On its own this probably wouldn't feel like an issue for you, but as you say there's other stuff going on. The no sex needs discussion/explanation. Do you have any ideas what it's about? Is he still affectionate in other ways or does it feel like there's a lack of any sort of intimacy?

Original poster
thebings · 24/01/2019 12:59

@ladycarlotta yeah it is a symptom I think. I have been sort of carrying on trying not to be upset but then this comment about the seat triggered me to start having doubts about everything because I just felt that in that moment it epitomised all my concerns about the relationship.

OP posts:
JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 24/01/2019 12:59

I see £100 as almost half of a city break another time.
if it was £20/30 then I would but £100 is a lot of money

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