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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What are men afraid of which might live in a hand bag

156 replies

mansneverhot · 23/01/2019 17:20

I've noticed that the men in my life, past and present, have been consistently frightened of the contents of a handbag. They act with a level of fear I have never seen applied to e.g. a drawer or coat pocket when tasked with retrieving an item, and prefer to bring the entire sodding bag rather than take a quick look inside it for the required item. Most seem to cite "privacy" as the reason for this irrational behaviour but I notice they do not treat their own bags or those of other men as such private and sacred safe spaces.

My current theories are as follows:

  • They can't be bothered to actually look, this is a carefully crafted technique to transfer responsibility of producing the coveted item to the handbag-owner
  • They believe that special female secrets are hidden in handbags, something which might spoil the mystique of femininity for them. Perhaps a magical device containing alluring pheremones, a mind reading device which is how we can tell the difference between a real poo and a facebook toilet break, or some kind of alien technology which could burn their eyeballs on sight.
  • Tampons?? Are they afraid of tampons?? How could they be afraid of a new tampon - unless they are also afraid of mice. However, no amount of assurance that I do NOT KEEP DIRTY TAMPONS in my bag has managed to soothe a man into acting like a normal person looking in a fucking handbag instead of an awkward husk who can't make direct eye contact with the bag's innards.
  • Something else? Perhaps they're afraid to find a sex toy - a 12" dildo which makes them look like a withered pickle, an emotional trauma they may never recover from?

Any other theories?

OP posts:
OutPinked · 24/01/2019 12:18

My DC have always been taught to never open another persons bag full stop. Note the person not just woman. It’s bad manners.

DadDadDad · 24/01/2019 12:36

I (and my wife) must be unusual judging by this thread. My wife's bags are more rucksack than handbag, but if I'm looking for a chequebook or a bit of change, I will happily rummage through my wife's bag. And before I get shot down, I only do it with her knowledge (she will direct me there if I'm looking for something). Finding a "feminine product" is not going to put me off and I am quite capable of searching logically and finding what I want.

Maybe my wife lacks some feminine mystique that other men demand from their partners? Confused

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/01/2019 13:18

I am quite capable of searching logically and finding what I want

I suspect my wife's handbag might test your skills to their limit. She actually found an umbrella in hers recently that she assumed she had lost weeks previously. How can you not even know you've got something that size in a handbag?

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 13:42

No, DadDadDad, you're one of the normal ones!

Werkwerkwerkwerkwerk85 · 24/01/2019 14:15

Daddaddad there is no feminine mystique here believe me! Manners and morals are drummed into us from a young age and if that’s one of the things you are told you just do not do then it is hard to go against it. For most people.

Comefromaway · 24/01/2019 14:19

I was always taught that going through someone's handbag was akin to reading their diary.

AlanThePig · 24/01/2019 14:20

22 years of marriage and DH wont go in mine either. I asked him why on the back of this thread, he replied 'Manners'.

Funnily enough DS's GF asked him to get something from her handbag last week and DS just handed her the entire bag as well. It's not something I remember teaching him so guessing he saw his Dad.

NCjustforthisthread · 24/01/2019 14:22

Just manners maybe? I don’t know any man afraid of going through a bag - nor have I never gone through someone’s bag!

StreetwiseHercules · 24/01/2019 14:31

There is literally no reason why anyone would need someone else to go into their handbag.

If you need something from your handbag, go in and get it yourself. How is your need to retrieve an item a task to be outsourced.

I would shout downstairs to my wife to go raking through the shed looking for a screwdriver. If I did she’d simply ignore it and possibly laugh in disbelief. I would just go and get it myself.

Why do people always want other people to do things for them which they are perfectly capable of doing?

Newdadofgirl · 24/01/2019 14:43

Mam always said never to go into Lady's handbag. It was due to respecting privacy and having good manners.
Mam did refer to personal items possibly being in a handbag, so I guess the OPs tampon suggestion could be relevant, not the fear of an used one, but merely finding a tampon could be embarrassing to the handbag owner (not so much in modern times, but certainly in my mams day they were personal).
I would never go into my DP's bag for these reasons!
I was bought up to have manners and as such respect a Lady's privacy, I guess other men were too.

DadDadDad · 24/01/2019 14:45

Streetwise - you seem to have a very absolute view of things. If I call up to my wife "where are the car keys?" and she calls back that they are in her bag, I just need to look in the front pocket, I'm not going to tell her that someone on MN insists I get her to come and retrieve when I can happily do it myself.

And in contradiction to the above...
Why do people always want other people to do things for them which they are perfectly capable of doing?
I don't know about the "always", but you do know how relationships work, don't you? Sometimes I make my wife a cup of tea because she asks me even though she's capable of doing it herself. Sometimes, I ask her to bring me an item and she does. It's part of the mutual benefit of having each other's interests at heart.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 24/01/2019 14:54

Slightly off thread but can anyone remember an op's dh who carried a huge full rucksack everywhere?? Posted last year I think!! Was hilarious!!

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 24/01/2019 15:03

I wouldn't go through anyone's bag without permission, used to hate it on late lunch when someone was bound to buzz up to the staff room and say..." can you go in my locker and get xyz out of my bag and bring it down"

as if going in someone's locker was not bad enough, you had to handbag seek as well!

I would always get a partner before even opening the locker and we then would do it together like a pair of ninnies

Even putting stuff into bags...dd was just hme this morning and dumped her bag on the chair, keys and gloves on the table, and I was trying to tidy up so I had to poke her gloves into the bag without actually putting my hand into the bag and then dangle her keys into the same small gap!

Raspberry10 · 24/01/2019 15:12

My husband who will happily use my iPad (font of all personal info) without thinking, will never go in my handbag even when I’ve specifically told him to go get something.

When I got annoyed at home once for bringing me the whole bloody bag, rather than just grabbing my credit card. He told me when he was a kid, if he went within 2ft of his Mum’s handbag, she would go mad and scream at him and threaten to hit him. I pointed out she’s batshit now, so I doubt she was any different 30 years ago (also I have money on her having had an affair). So he now will grudgingly go in my bag to get what I ask, small steps Grin

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 15:52

There is literally no reason why anyone would need someone else to go into their handbag

Well there literally is, because I can think of many times my DH has needed to. Like when I didn't live in a bungalow and my handbag was downstairs and I was upstairs and he needed to grab my car keys. Wheelchairs don't go down stairs, so yes, he needed to go in there quickly.

If you need something from your handbag, go in and get it yourself. How is your need to retrieve an item a task to be outsourced

You do realise some people are disabled and need help?
Or some husbands are just decent people who don't mind passing their wife something if it's close to them?

Alpacanorange · 24/01/2019 15:56

Never read another’s diary or rummage in their bag,

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 24/01/2019 16:20

DH must be some sort of hand bag commando then Grin

He doesn’t have the fear.

Halloumimuffin · 24/01/2019 16:22

Someone one asked me to get something out of their bag while they were driving, and I put my hand into a rotten banana mush.

Maybe others have had similar experiences.

April241 · 24/01/2019 16:25

Strangely I also don't like to go into others bags, even if they've said to. Feels like an invasion of privacy.

On the other hand I'll say to folk just to go into my bag and get X, I can't remember many occasions where they haven't brought the bag to me.

Anyonebut · 24/01/2019 16:27

DH would probably bring the whole bag, but only because he is incapable of finding anything inside it.

If you're not used to rummaging around a bag and can't recognise things by feel because they're not yours/you don't know how many x-shaped things there are/how many inside pockets there are it's probably going to be quicker to just hand the bag to its owner. In fact I would probably do the same with another woman's bag if I was asked to find something for that same reason.

April241 · 24/01/2019 16:29

My bag is about the size of a duvet cover.
I think that alone scares him. I have to admit I'm not even sure I know what's in it anymore. I might need to put wheels on the bottom of it soon.

I am proper laughing at this. Not a fake lmao moment, proper out loud laughing 🤣

ColdCrumpetsandButter · 24/01/2019 16:31

I can't help but think laziness is the reason they don't want to get things themselves out of a handbag (after they've been told where it is and to help themselves) and try to pass it off as a privacy thing. Simply bone idle

Apple103 · 24/01/2019 16:35

It's a respect thing which I would expect most people to have. I wouldnt look into someone elses bag even if they asked me to.
I know that's the reason for my dh.
As well as he says theres too many compartments. Apparently the zip pocket in the front doesnt cut it. True though, there are many of them.

JacquesHammer · 24/01/2019 16:47

All of the posts saying "oh it is not good manners" - surely that is negated by the direct request?

Absolutely rummaging through someone's bag is Not The Done Thing. But if I'm busy and direct someone to my bag, I expect them to be able to follow the simple instruction of "get it from my bag" not dither about in the fear of comitting a Debretts-esque faux pas.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 24/01/2019 17:29

In the case of my OH it’s definitely not laziness, he is of the get-shit-done variety, and not lazy in any way. He also will dip in and get something for me if I’ve requested it or if I need him to. I think he would just prefer me to rummage rather than feel like he’s digging through my stuff. But I tend toward big bags which are either one big cavernous space in which I know where to find everything quickly, or with lots of pockets and compartments where again, I know how I have organised it.

If it was a matter of urgency then he wouldn’t have any qualms about doing it, he’s not got some weird hang up about it.