Friend keeps expecting lifts

[MissMoan]

My friend lives in my direction (with a 15 minute detour) and she has started just following my to my car when we are out together (social or exercise class). She doesn't even ask for a lift but expects it, and I've had to amend plans to go in her direction when I wanted to pop elsewhere (e.g., a supermarket or to see family which are not in the same direction). I've even let her know that I had other plans afterwards, however it's then 'too late for a bus' so I feel guilty and scrap my plans to take her home instead. I don't mind giving lifts at all when I am going in that direction, but it's really bothering me that she doesn't even ask. And then I feel like the awkward one! How can I gently get her to understand that she can't rely on lifts all the time? Or am I simply BU?

Just tell her you aren't going home and don't go home.

What do you mean 'too late for the bus' is it because it is dark and she doesn't like being on public transport in the dark or does it mean that there will be no more buses that day.

Don't amend your plans! If it's convenient give her a lift if you're heading to the supermarket tell her!

Tell her beforehand to avoid the "too late for a bus" angle.

Does she drive? If so, then say you'd like to have rota for getting about.

By the way, a 15-minute detour is not on your way home.

Really? How does she assume you are taking her home?

Before you go to the activity tell her you can’t give her a lift.

Yeah before you go, say you can't give her a lift. No need to say why not or explain yourself.

Agreed. Text her the day before with a 'just checking we're still on for tomorrow and you can get yourself home as I'm visiting family so can't give you a lift'. Don't leave until the actual time that you're both standing at the car.

So easily solved by not changing the plans. Go to the supermarket ahd she can wait or go in with you. These posts irritate the hell out of me.

Tell her, before you go out or as soon as you meet up, that you can't give her a lift home. Do not amend your plans when you have them (and i would suggest having them often for a while). And if she can get a bus or something back from your house, stop detouring to hers. 15 minutes out of your way isn't on the way home unless it's an hour/hour and a half plus journey.

If you have plans to do something else, let her know earlier. So text her before the exercise class say 'Just to let you know I can't give you a lift home today, have errands to run'. When you make plans to go out socially, tell her at the beginning of the evening, so she knows she has to get the bus or book a mini cab. That way its out there at the beginning of the night.

Don’t they have taxis where you live? Running a car is far more expensive than a couple of ten quid taxis a week. And is she offering petrol money? I bet she isn’t.

I wouldn't say it before hand, you definitely don't want to get into a text thing where you end up checking every time you have plans. Just wait, if she assumes again say "I'm not going that way so can't give you a lift ", if she says it's too late say "You never asked for a lift, why would just assume? That's a pity, you'll need to get a taxi, please make sure to check next time as I don't always go home "

If she's put out she won't make the same mistake again.

If you do want to say it in advance though a simple "Mary I have plans after class, tomorrow night so you'll need to find your own way home but also can you ask me for lifts in future, I don't always go home and I don't really want to get into giving lifts where I end up being the one to remember to contact you to tell you in advance. I honestly don't want anyone reliant on me for lifts either, if I am going that way fine but I want to be able to go a different way at short notice if I need to without feeling I am letting anyone down"

Explain to her that there are taxis!!!!

How does she get to class or out socially? do you pick her up or does she make her own way? If you are picking her up, then it's not an unreasonable assumption you would take her home again.

You really have to call it at the beginning of the class and simply say "I cant give you a lift, Im going out", if she quibbles you can say "you've got plenty of time to make other arrangements". If you are going home, the same way, and its no hardship for you, then I really don't understand this attitude of being nasty for the sake of it which pervades MN, drop her off.

Definitely let her know you have plans so she is prompted to catch the bus

I've had to amend plans to go in her direction

You really don't have to, you could mention say at the start of the activity that you are sorry but are not going her way today. Then for a few more times just say 'sorry'

I always offer lifts if i can but would do this to anyone who had start to take lifts for granted

I'm not sure I'd let her know you have plans otherwise it's implicit you'll give her a lift when you don't.

I'd go with sorry X I can't keep giving you lifts anymore. It's interrupted my plans several times now and I can't be responsible for getting you home.

There are so many of these posts on MN. JUST TELL HER! She isn’t going to thump you if you say ‘sorry, can’t give you a lift tomorrow, I have something else on after’. You just need a tiny bit of backbone here.

Do NOT check with her beforehand - that implies you have an established arrangement to give her a lift and that you are the one breaking it. Pull on your big girl pants and tell her emphatically the next time she assumes you're giving her a lift home that that you have plans. If she tries to guilt you, that's your opening to say 'hang on a minute, we never agreed I'd give you a lift home every week, you're being a CF. I've changed my plans a couple of times to help you out but I'm not doing it any more.'

Just tell her straight after class (so still in the class), "I'm going to x now so I've got to rush off now...bye." If she still walks to your car just get in, lock it and wave bye. I had the same thing. Because I gave someone a lift that wasn't on my way a couple of times because it was raining and illness. She started walking automatically to my car. I'd just say I'm going shopping/to my mums/drs now bye. After a few times she stopped. Do not give in!

Don't tell her your plans as that leads to further explanation or questioning from her.

A couple of long trips to the supermarket when she wants to go hone, or to sit in the car for two hours while you visit an elderly relative will soon put it out of her.

To OP

Some people are too polite and others are quick to take advantage.

Your "friend" falls in the others category.

And I wouldn't tell her in advance that you have plans because that implies that her arrangements to get home are somehow your responsibility.

Why have you amended plans? This feeds into her getting lifts. Ye t her saying you’re going to the supermarket after. Just go to the supermarket and take her with you.