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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend keeps expecting lifts

121 replies

MissMoan · 23/01/2019 04:07

My friend lives in my direction (with a 15 minute detour) and she has started just following my to my car when we are out together (social or exercise class). She doesn't even ask for a lift but expects it, and I've had to amend plans to go in her direction when I wanted to pop elsewhere (e.g., a supermarket or to see family which are not in the same direction). I've even let her know that I had other plans afterwards, however it's then 'too late for a bus' so I feel guilty and scrap my plans to take her home instead. I don't mind giving lifts at all when I am going in that direction, but it's really bothering me that she doesn't even ask. And then I feel like the awkward one! How can I gently get her to understand that she can't rely on lifts all the time? Or am I simply BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

MissMoan · 24/01/2019 03:15

Great comments, thank you all for your input. I do need a bit of backbone and I think your responses will help give me the push I need. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

MissMoan · 24/01/2019 03:53

Really want to thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. All are really appreciated!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2019 16:01

Open these have given you the push you need the assertive to the rude CF.

wednesday32 · 24/01/2019 16:08

you need to say that you are off straight out after your class/social outing and even leave a few mins earlier/later than her to avoid it. If she hangs nearby you say 'sorry i did mention earlier im off out so wont be passing yours. See you next week/time' and just leave it at that.

Needafriend2019 · 24/01/2019 17:36

How does she get to the activity?

ClaudiasWinkleMan · 24/01/2019 17:43

I am always happy to give lifts as I don’t often drink so 9 times out of 10 i’ll offer to drive. However if I have other plans I wouldn’t change my plans in order to drop someone else off and none of my friends would expect me to.
I’d say I have driven 90% of the time but it’s never expected and others offer all the time.
She is being a bit cheeky but don’t be a doormat.

Jessie94 · 24/01/2019 17:50

Not always. I've got a car on finance because for me, it was £80 a month cheaper than taxis

JenLaBe · 24/01/2019 17:54

Lol cheecky!!
I would warn her. «Oh by the way, next week I can’t drop you. Just to warn you in advance».
Then you don’t feel guilty. And you repeat that each week.
As you warned her, no issue.
I know you shouldn’t have to warn but looks like she is counting on it so it might help the friendship.

MummyMayo1988 · 24/01/2019 18:04

YANBU - next time she follows you to the car; tell her your not going home today. She'll have to lump it on the bus.

Maisymoo22 · 24/01/2019 18:06

As others have said, leave earlier than she does. If she comes to the car and guilt trips you into giving her a lift don’t change your plans. Go to the super market but spend ages just browsing, same if going to family, take her along but spend hours there. Make a point of doing it every time. Bore her to death!
She should soon get the message especially if she wants to go straight home.

Failing that just tell her to get a fecking taxi if it’s too late to get the bus!😡

DarlingNikita · 24/01/2019 18:09

I've had to amend plans to go in her direction when I wanted to pop elsewhere

You don't HAVE to do any such thing. In the very nicest way, woman up!
'Oh, I can't give you a lift today because I've got to make a detour to the shop/my mum's/whatever,' smile politely and look at her until she gives way. If she argues, just repeat mildly, 'I can't' and jingle your car keys pointedly.

TigerTooth · 24/01/2019 18:12

If she were a friend of mine that I worked out with and socialised with I honestly wouldn't mind a 15 min detour. But I am a very good friend.
My friends would go the same for me.

Drum2018 · 24/01/2019 18:25

Just run straight to your car after the class, get in and drive. Ignore the fact she may be walking or running after you. Even if she's shouting your name, keep ignoring. Put headphones in as soon as class is over if it helps to ignore her. She doesn't live on your route home so let her feck off expecting a free ride without any prior discussion. If she offered money for petrol and it suited you then maybe you could consider it but otherwise No!

Yabbers · 24/01/2019 18:36

She just started following you to you car? That’s really weird. Wouldn’t you say something the first time she did it. Asking what she was doing?

Larrythecat · 24/01/2019 18:40

I wouldn't change plans. She can go with you to whenever you are going and you can drop her off there, at a bus stop on the way, or near a taxi waiting area. She should account for travelling back home. You could also drop her at yours and make it clear you have things to do on arrival. Since it's a 15-min detour, a taxi would cost less from there? I think if you stick to your plans a few times, she will look for alternatives or at least ask in advance if this is something you can do, not just walk to your car waiting for a lift.

WaxMyrtle · 24/01/2019 18:52

If you look at the bigger picture, you're the selfish one for driving all over the place without caring what it's doing to the planet! Giving people a lift is the least you could do.

Which Houston do you live in Bess? Because Houston Texas has very little public transport.

Houston Scotland obviously has McGills buses, I hope you use them...

OP start saying “no”.

Palaver1 · 24/01/2019 19:39

Just stop being so kind ..tell her sorry you wont be able to do it anymore dont give any explanation

expat101 · 24/01/2019 20:44

Don't turn up for a couple of weeks... she will have to make other arrangements and get into a new routine.

Ellyess · 24/01/2019 21:18

MissMoan. You are being too kind! Not unreasonable! You will have to be firmer with her I'm afraid. Horrible though it is you have to say what you've said here, that you don't always go straight home and you can't take her home so she must catch the bus every time and you will let her know which days you can pick her up or take her home. But she must assume that you are not available unless you have said so.

I was used like this too, more than once actually. I did find that women who didn't drive could be a bit selfish, not taking into account what is involved in driving. I think the words lives in my direction (with a 15 minute detour) say a lot about you too. !5 minutes isn't a small amount of time especially when you have a family to look after. Please learn to be a bit more assertive. Just rehearse what you will say, in a pleasant but firm voice, as if you are telling a child of 10. Something like "I cannot give you a lift every time (we are at the same place/go to ....) because I need to go in a different direction. You must always arrange to make your journey by yourself. I will let you know each time when I am able to pick you up or take you home. If I do not say I can take you you must organise your own transport." Do not over-explain why you aren't able to drive her home all the time. It's not her business that you go shopping or to your family. You simply have to go somewhere else. Sometimes you just want to be free to do as you please, but that is none of her business. Do not feel cruel. You are not responsible for her. She is an adult. Actually you are doing her a favour as she must learn to be independent.

I have been plagued by people who kept needing me to do things for them, all my life and now I'm a bit on the old side I realise I have been too much of a push-over. I should simply have said no more often and should not have felt I had to explain myself or make excuses when I said I couldn't do things for people. I certainly should not have felt guilty.

Please start looking after yourself. People see someone like you and me when I was younger and know we can't say no. She knows she only has to say she has missed the bus. Try telling her she will have to wait for the next one. But try saying in advance that there are no lifts at all unless you have offered and arranged one.
Wishing you good luck!

manicmij · 24/01/2019 21:48

Do you know when the bus is due? If you do try reminding your friend that she will need to leave whatever you are doing to catch her bus as you are not going in her direction. If she doesn't respond then remind her you had told her earlier you would not be taking her home. Hopefully friend will take the hint.

browneyes77 · 24/01/2019 22:37

What is it with these entitled people? None of my friends have ever behaved like this and if they did I’d be re-evaluating our friendship if they showed they were the kind of person who likes to take advantage of my good nature.

I would simply call her and say “look I just want to have a little chat with you about something. I don’t mind giving you lifts but I’d really appreciate it if you wait until I offer you a lift, rather than just assuming I can give you a lift. I have other plans some days that make it difficult for me to give you lifts. So if you want a lift in future please just ask beforehand so I can advise you whether I can do this and it gives you the time to make other arrangements to get home”.

Original poster

MissMoan · 24/01/2019 22:38

I agree with many of you about having the strength to say no, and your comments are so reassuring. I was concerned that I was being mean by refusing.
Thank you for the good luck wishes and again I really appreciate the input. What a lovely community!
My friend works in the same town that the class is held in, so she is already in the area before it starts, having caught a bus in the morning. And the class is pretty central, by good transport links. I'm going to gently tell her not to rely on me for lifts, without going into detail.

If I'm going in her direction then I will offer, otherwise it is her responsibility to get home. She is an adult too after all.

It is a great class though!

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 24/01/2019 23:01

If I'm going in her direction then I will offer, otherwise it is her responsibility to get home. She is an adult too after all.

Unless you're going past her actual house for some other reason, don't be offering a lift. If you are planning to go straight home after the class then do just that - without having to detour. She'll have to figure out her own way home.

WaxMyrtle · 24/01/2019 23:01

I was concerned that I was being mean by refusing.

Why mean? Nice does not equal doormat.

You know she is being rude and entitled it’s why you started the thread. Why is asserting some boundaries and control over your own life “being mean”?

And I wouldn’t bother to be too gentle either. You have to be polite but brisk, she already thinks you are a doormat, you need to realign her opinion on that.

She’s not going to fall out with you and lose her source of lifts forever now is she?

She needs your goodwill more that you need hers.

Motoko · 25/01/2019 01:25

She's not a friend, she's a user. A friend would ask if you'd mind giving her a lift, and offer petrol money. A friend would not guilt you into changing your plans to accommodate her.

Just stop giving her lifts, whether you've got plans or not.

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