Friend keeps expecting lifts

[MissMoan]

My friend lives in my direction (with a 15 minute detour) and she has started just following my to my car when we are out together (social or exercise class). She doesn't even ask for a lift but expects it, and I've had to amend plans to go in her direction when I wanted to pop elsewhere (e.g., a supermarket or to see family which are not in the same direction). I've even let her know that I had other plans afterwards, however it's then 'too late for a bus' so I feel guilty and scrap my plans to take her home instead. I don't mind giving lifts at all when I am going in that direction, but it's really bothering me that she doesn't even ask. And then I feel like the awkward one! How can I gently get her to understand that she can't rely on lifts all the time? Or am I simply BU?

If you look at the bigger picture, you're the selfish one for driving all over the place without caring what it's doing to the planet! Giving people a lift is the least you could do.

Why not say 'I can drop you on this corner, I'm not going any nearer your house' or something.

It's not hard OP.

At the beginning of whatever you are doing together, just say: "Oh, sorry I can't give you a lift today, I'm doing xxx". Or even text her in advance so she has time to make other plans.

If you look at the bigger picture, you're the selfish one for driving all over the place without caring what it's doing to the planet!

Oh FFS jog on. Maybe the bus doesn't run in her direction? Or there is an hour between the end of her class and the next bus? For all you know she might even have a fucking electric car!

HoustonBess whtaf has that got to do with anything!

Just before the class text her.
“ I need to does to you about me giving lifts back home to you. We have never really discussed it and I’m feeling like you are expecting it every week now. It’s 15 minutes out of my way so even if I’m going straight home it’s not always convenient as I sometime need to be home befire xx time. Also I haven’t mentioned it before but several times I have had other plans and places to go after class which I have changed on the basis you have expected me to take you home. This has caused me some inconvenience and you can’t carry on like this as I don’t really want to keep changing my plans and you don’t really seem to realise how inconvenient is has been on occasion. I haven’t raised it before as I don’t want to fall out but you can’t just carry on assuming its ok every week and you must arrange some other alternatives rather than assume it’s ok to take you home.

Need to speak to you

I wouldn't start advising her before you go anywhere because that suggests you are responsible for getting her home and will have to come up with an excuse every time you go anywhere. You need to tell her firmly that it's involving a fifteen minute detour which is a lot of petrol/wear and tear over a week and also it means you have to do separate drives to the supermarket /relatives etc in your own time rather than fitting it round your trips out because you are dropping her off. Spell it out to her or tell her that in future you will drive her to the point where you aren't going out your way and she can make her own way from there but only when you havent got plans a d are going straight home.

I wouldn't drop my plans. Leave her sitting in the car if she insists on coming along. If she kicks off, remind her that there is no 'arrangement' as far as you're concerned and she's digging herself a hole.

Actually re reading it you’ve told her you’ve had plans and she’s guilted you into changing them, so she’s even more of a CF and YANBU.

So maybe say as you know I’ve changed my plans several times but I can’t keep on as it’s inconvenient and there will come a point when I will not be in a position to take you home so you must make alternative arrangements rather than just assume.

If I go to the supermarket with someone and they start putting stuff in my trolley, I just take it out, put it on the conveyor belt and put one of the wee separator things behind it. No way am I paying for someone else's supermarket shopping!

@treaclesoda exactly!! “You might end up paying for her shopping” hahaha wtf! People are mugs.

You need to leave 5 mins earlier! Just grab your bag and run!

CF!!

Do not amend your plans! Tell her your doing x, y or z and you can take her there and drop her off somewhere on the way, but you absolutely aren't going home. I'd purposely not go home a few times to prove a point!

Does she even offer money for parking or petrol?! My bf of over 20 years doesn't drive but she still offers petrol money (which I don't take) and sometimes buys me a drink or treats me to lunch as a thank you. And she always asks first!

I’m with Shatnerswig on this one. So many wet hens around who just can’t say no, or don’t want to offend or...for me it links to being unable to stand up for yourself when others are making unwanted assumptions. What will you teach your children? Appeasement and kowtowing are ok? Always be the one who gives way?
Tell her no. Why alter your plans?

If you can't say anything (why? It's your friend not a total stranger!) then you really should take a course in assertiveness. It'll do you wonders in the long term as you won't be gnarled up getting angry because you couldn't say no.

Wtf?! How bloody rude! I would leave 2 mins earlier and say you’re going a different direction.

While the OP is new to MN, you'd think she'd be back to say something about the excellent advice she's been offered.

@echt I doubt it. She can't cope speaking to her friend about this, she must be terrified about replying to us strange folk.

Yep, the vipers' nest of MN:o

she must be terrified about replying to us strange folk.

Speak for yourself Shatner! I’m not strange, just a little odd.

Your friend expects a lift because you keep giving them.

Either tell her that you are not going to be giving her lifts as it not convenient for you or lump it.

Mary I have plans after class, tomorrow night so you'll need to find your own way home but also can you ask me for lifts in future, I don't always go home and I don't really want to get into giving lifts where I end up being the one to remember to contact you to tell you in advance. I honestly don't want anyone reliant on me for lifts either, if I am going that way fine but I want to be able to go a different way at short notice if I need to without feeling I am letting anyone down

^this^

I do not understand how someone can be so entitled!

You either text her in advance saying you can't give a lift tomorrow and explain that in future she needs to check with you in advance

Or

Next time she gets in go to the supermarket; then Ikea, then check your tyre pressure, spot something shiny at the side of the road and get your metal detector out, go get the car washed, pop to the post office to post something, have a nap at the side of the road as it's not safe to drive tired, then decide that actually you're going to stay at your mum's so drop her off there and point in the direction of a bus stop

I had a friend like this (friends no more) and she'd wait by the car. I know she was waiting for the green light. I used to say my goodbyes and drive off. She only offered petrol money once, then had the cheek to ask for it back.

She was tight cow, if she could get out of paying she would.

She was the same with our mutual friend, (who is my closest dearest friend) We both get fed up with being treated us taxi's. She didnt turn up to our friends hen do because she couldnt get there. That was death knell in that friendship (Ours had ended about 2 years before)

What are you going to do, OP?