Friend keeps expecting lifts

[MissMoan]

My friend lives in my direction (with a 15 minute detour) and she has started just following my to my car when we are out together (social or exercise class). She doesn't even ask for a lift but expects it, and I've had to amend plans to go in her direction when I wanted to pop elsewhere (e.g., a supermarket or to see family which are not in the same direction). I've even let her know that I had other plans afterwards, however it's then 'too late for a bus' so I feel guilty and scrap my plans to take her home instead. I don't mind giving lifts at all when I am going in that direction, but it's really bothering me that she doesn't even ask. And then I feel like the awkward one! How can I gently get her to understand that she can't rely on lifts all the time? Or am I simply BU?

Don't change your plans. If she wants the lift she has to trail round the supermarket after you as that's what you need to do. If she doesn't like it she has to sort herself out.

I wouldn’t make the ‘going to the supermarket ‘excuse , just say you want to go straight home and can’t give her a lift.

How does she get there ?

You'll have to be strong. If she's cheeky enough to just come with you without being offered a lift, she's going to be cheeky enough to argue and make you feel guilty for saying no..

If she were a friend of mine that I worked out with and socialised with I honestly wouldn't mind a 15 min detour. But I am a very good friend.

I'm a very good friend too. But anyone who expects me to drive 15 minutes out of my way, without asking in advance or offering any petrol money, and who expects me to change my plans to accommodate this clearly isn't.

YANBU, your friend is taking advantage and to not even have the courtesy to ask is really taking the biscuit. Trouble is she's got into the habit of expecting you to never refuse.

Could you possibly just get in your car and move off quickly? Could you say you can't detour this morning without giving a reason? It may mean losing a friend which is a shame but there must be a more tactful way of dealing with this.

Do NOT tell her in advance you have plans. She will interpret it as 'I will give you a lift every other time'.

If she shows up expecting a lift, tell her you're going elsewhere. If she says it's too late for a bus (is it really?) then reply that she really should make her arrangements earlier. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

But I am a very good friend.

As a very good friend, when your very good friend told you she had other plans, would you make sure she cancels them to give you a lift?

Motoko . Nail, head, bang on!

If she really is a friend, then you should be able to say to her ...

Look, I don’t mind giving you lift now and then if it works for me and my plans. But just assuming you can get a lift with me isn’t very fair as it puts pressure on me to change my plans. The best thing would be for you to text me to ask if I’m able to drop you off and I will let you know if it’s ok.

This puts the responsibility on her to ask, in advance. And gives you the chance to say no.

Giraffey1. Sounds excellent, but would she take all that in?
I'd say "Don't assume I can give you a lift. Text/phone and ask first. If I can't you must make other arrangements."

You could add:
"I can't always give you a lift. Assuming I can is not fair, it has to be pre-arranged."

She’s using you. The longer you leave this the larded it will be, either text in advance and tell her you can’t give her lift or insist she goes wherever you need to go first. She will soon get fed up of the detour and time spent meandering around the aisles of the supermarket.

Agreed.
I got myself into a bad cycle of feeling guilty, so I'd reluctantly take her home, then later I would beat myself up about it because I'd allowed myself to be walked over again.
I'll let you know how it goes at the lesson next week!

Good luck OP.

These sorts of people are very good at making us feel guilty when we shouldn't. It's how they get their own way all the time.

Put on your big girl pants and use some of the suggestions here, I wod absolutely not drive her to your friends, supermarket. A breezy, after class, bye CF busy got to dash see you next week!

Whilst moving towards the exit quickly!

.

Just run straight to your car after the class, get in and drive. Ignore the fact she may be walking or running after you. Even if she's shouting your name, keep ignoring. Put headphones in as soon as class is over if it helps to ignore her.

That's hilarious!

Show her how to download Uber app!!

I agree it's not your responsibility to even let her know your plans. She is a CF.

I would tell her anyway though by way of stopping her presumptuous behaviour.

"Oh, by the way, as you seem to be presuming that it's my job to get you home lately. I'm letting you know now that it isn't often convenient for me & you need to check with me first before it's too late for your bus, on Xxx night, I won't be going in your direction, so you'll need to sort out a cab or bus for yourself. You're welcome to ask me early in the evening at other times, but as I like to visit family or do shopping in the way home, don't presume it's always convenient for me"

& if she does it again after that. Give her a cab number & just go without her

Uber's only available in some areas!