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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think the Duchess of Cambridge should be better advised

152 replies

viques · 22/01/2019 19:19

Because ok she has three kids and I think her life is pretty foul, but to whine to a group of women who are facing huge financial, emotional and physical problems in their lives daily that you find things " so hard" when you have solid family support, a full time nanny, housekeepers, cleaners, gardeners, two huge houses with no worries about mortgages repayments, paying for the weeks shopping, not having enough cash for the electricity etc etc is a tad insensitive.

OP posts:
anniehm · 22/01/2019 23:10

Yes her life is very different to ours and some things she doesn't have to worry about eg money but she has things to be concerned about that we don't - imagine having the worlds press looking through long lenses at you, being concerned about security on the school run and not being able to escape your gilded prison without a security detail not to mention women gossiping about you on threads like this. I know from various reports that they do try to bring up the kids themselves so she does know that mummy mummy mummy from one whilst the other is begging the other side ... apparently she is a rubbish cook too which means she must actually cook for William to be teasing her about it. Don't get me wrong it's a privileged life but no bed of roses either

JungianMum · 22/01/2019 23:33

/she has plenty of other intense pressures I wouldn't want. i say that as a single mother working on a very modest wage and one of my kids as an ASD (mild, relatively)
I wouldn't swap with her. The goldfish bowl would be so stressful but she cannot say that!!

categed · 23/01/2019 00:06

She was, fairly clearly, making a comment about the need for a service to support parents beyond the early stages of parenthood. As this service is being offered by a chrity she supports what should she has said?
People seem to love to hate those who have no money and live on benefits and those who have lots of money and are privileged. No ones life is perfect all the time, we all have issues and problems. Money may smooth the way over some problems but actually creates barriers to solving others.
Personally i think i have a more privileged life. Because i can allow my children to live the life they choose. I can hug them and be there for them whenever they need me (outside of work😝) i will never be in a position of having to tour another country and leave behind an ill child. I can, within reason, speak my mind. I can dress and look however i want and swear when i am annoyed.
So i will take my life and assume that she was making acomment about the need for the charity she was supporting.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 23/01/2019 06:11

She is quoted as saying

"Everybody experiences the same struggle."

I think it would have been safer if she had qualified this comment by saying

"Everybody, in a way that is unique to them and their personal circumstances, can experience parenthood as a struggle from time to time."

I am sure she wanted to, and does, empathise with the plight of other women but it is difficult to express this sentiment in an acceptable way if you are ostensibly in a privileged position.

jessstan2 · 23/01/2019 06:22

She wasn't whinging at all, she was sympathising and empathising with other mothers.

The Duchess does have help for which she is thankful but it's still hard work. Honestly, talk about making something out of nothing. It would have been far worse had she gone on expressing nothing but great glee, about the joys of motherhood, then people would have been saying, "It's all right for her, hmph".

She's doing well, leave her alone.

Dongdingdong · 23/01/2019 06:54

I bet she is fairly isolated in tackling that alone, I doubt you want to open up to many people just in case it gets leaked to the press, and the world judges you.

She’s not on her own - she has a close knit circle of female friends of reports are to be believed, a very close family and a nanny who will know everything there is to know about children. So plenty of people to confide in.

Who knows, perhaps she’s posting on the Mumsnet parenting boards under a pseudonym Grin

Dongdingdong · 23/01/2019 06:55
  • If reports are to be believed...
Dongdingdong · 23/01/2019 06:56

apparently she is a rubbish cook too

I’ve never heard that one before....

snitzelvoncrumb · 23/01/2019 06:59

I think she was just trying to reassure them, that we all have struggles.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/01/2019 07:00

Just look at William, any woman would find being with him hard

The only time we see him is when he has a camera shoved in his face, and it's well documented he has no love for the paparazzi as he blames them for the death of his mother. Hardly going to be full of the joys of spring in that situation is he?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/01/2019 07:04

Sure money doesnt make you happy, but it sure as hell gives you less to deal with. ….. Depression, eating disorders, or many other MH issues you care to name are made much harder when poverty is thrown into the mix.

Worked well for Diana didn't it? she had money and was extremely unwell with a lifetime of MH issues stemming from childhood.

These things are not exclusive to people on benefits or the socio-economically deprived. MH, eating disorders, depression, the inability to cope affects a lot of people irrespective of social status.

There is nasty inverse snobbery in this forum at times. Its a quintessentially British thing; people like Kate got above her middle class station and need bring down and given a good kicking on the way.

Bluewidow · 23/01/2019 07:07

She will though have the same concerns about her children: are they eating healthy? Are they safe (even more so for her), fears about their future etc.

However, I did have to eye roll and thought um not as hard as your hubby dying, having two kids to bring up, hours at work now having to be reduced as no childcare, uncertain future..... but hey that’s not her fault so I will just get in quietly. Lol

BikeRunSki · 23/01/2019 07:11

When my dc were babies/toddlers/preschoolers, my greatest source of support and comfort was from the friends I made at parent and child groups. I imagine it’s not so easy for her to sit on the floor of a village hall singing “Wind the Bobbin Up”’ and make friends with people at that same stage as you.

abbsisspartacus · 23/01/2019 07:18

Money doesn't stop worry she must have looked into what happened with her husband and his parents and there is real fear there Diana lost her kids in the divorce yes she saw them but no Christmas birthdays etc she lost control of there lives and then she died that is a horrible burden to bear it's like make your marriage work or else the palace gets to raise your children and you get no say

You wouldn't catch me marrying into that family it's not ideal life

Polarbearflavour · 23/01/2019 07:19

Kate chose that life.

She will never have to worry about money. She has at least one nanny, a housekeeper and cleaners etc. Private medical care.

She’s hardly working 40 hours a week in a factory/office/shop/hospital.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/01/2019 07:24

She has at least one nanny, a housekeeper and cleaners etc. Private medical care.

And so do half the posters on here, allegedly

She’s hardly working 40 hours a week in a factory/office/shop/hospital.

Neither do the other half of posters on this forum, allegedly

gamerwidow · 23/01/2019 07:30

Yes she will never have to worry about money but that doesn’t mean she’ll never feel sad, depressed, tired or lonely. It’s not a competition to see who has it worse with no one but those at the bottom allowed to complain. If she’d said that she funds it harder than everyone else then you’d have a point, but she didn’t.

Dalia1989 · 23/01/2019 07:31

I think these kind of comparison threads are sort of stupid. Of course she doesn't have some of the worries some of the posters here do (who all seem to working 28 hours a day down the pit and crawling over broken glass to get there) but equally, most of the posters here are doing a lot better than someone else and I bet they still feel entitled to feel bad about things on occasion.

None of you are trying to raise kids in Yemen without clean water and under constant threat of air strikes. None of you are trying to raise kids in 19th century England in a Dickensian slum, with no access to clean food or water. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to have a shit day.

And I bet at least some of those posting aren't even trying to raise kids as single mums on benefits also working 60 hours a week in a supermarket but are in perfectly comfortable middle class homes with access to decent medicine and a support system too, and I also bet those mums sometimes have a whinge. Which Kate wasn't even doing - she was expressing empathy and trying to reduce stigma. This whole post is totally a bunch of people looking for something to be offended about.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/01/2019 07:34

she knew what she signed up for

A prattish comment; it implies every woman, or person knows what life has in store - illness, abuse, disability, tragedy, sickness, poverty, redundancy, bereavement.

thegreatbeyond · 23/01/2019 07:38

She's a nice woman. Not stupid - she knows that she has some things much easier than others. It's good that she uses her high profile to draw attention to other women who need the support.

derxa · 23/01/2019 07:38

There's no denying that he and his brother probably experienced some emotional poverty, but that was mitigated to a certain extent by their material wealth, their surviving parent did not have to worry about the mortgage or getting time off to support his kids. Gosh you're cold.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 23/01/2019 09:00

Having just watched some footage of the event in which her remarks were made, I can see that they weren't part of a prepared speech. Had they been, I think the OP would have some justification for saying the DoC should have been advised against expressing her empathy through remarks like 'Everybody experiences the same struggle'.

Given that her comments were made when she was taking part in a discussion group and seem to have been, at least to a degree, off the cuff, my feeling is that she should be cut some slack.

Looking at her facial expression in such public events, I can often picture a think bubble hovering above her of the type:

Come on, Kate, come on! Say something. You're expected to say something. Think of something, anything! Think! Oh God!

The problem is there is a tension between feeling she ought to speak up at some point yet having a strong desire not to divulge anything of any consequence.

The result is guarded generic comments, which in this case have caused more trouble than a straightforward overtly controversial remark.

Personally I would have liked her to say that she was trying hard to be a 'hands on' mother and had found it a challenge to keep George entertained when she was sitting with her head over the toilet bowl for months.

Oh well, she's maybe a little too reserved and 'proper' to admit to that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/01/2019 09:05

These things are not exclusive to people on benefits or the socio-economically deprived. MH, eating disorders, depression, the inability to cope affects a lot of people irrespective of social status.

I didnt say that they were. I said, and it is widely accepted by the medical profession, that these things can be made much worse by poverty. Not least because money allows the freedom to seek help that may not be available on the NHS, or at least not in a timely fashion. Anyone who has been put on a waiting list for counselling, therapy or CBT will tell you that.

BejamNostalgia · 23/01/2019 09:12

The OP on this thread is unfair, inaccurate and actually really quite racist too.

The comments were made at the steering group of a helpline being set up for parents. The members of the steering group are experts, volunteers and parents. Kate was pictured with some of the parents members of the steering group. All the parents she was photographed with were women of colour. Nowhere have these women been described as ‘a group of women who are facing huge financial, emotional and physical problems in their lives daily’. The helpline is not even aimed at that group. I assume that the OP is just making an automatic assumption that women from ethnic minorities are going to be ‘women who are facing huge financial, emotional and physical problems in their lives daily’, which is a really fucking racist assumption.

Given that these women are able to sacrifice the time and money to take part and have been judged capable of being able to make meaningful contributions to the group, it’s not really very likely that they’re women living in day to day crisis mode. In fact some or all of the women pictured may actually have been the advising volunteers who are all parents too. Not necessarily parents facing problems- again, the assumption they must be the women with problems is a bit racist.

What Kate said was completely appropriate for the project. It’s a confidential helpline open to absolutely any parent or carer. It’s not particularly aimed at parents facing huge or catastrophic problems, in fact those parents already have help they can access through a number of sources. The whole point of it being open to everybody is that you don’t need to have awful problems to get in touch. The example they gave were of a parent struggling with a babies sleep, something that is an issue for many parents regardless of wealth or social background.

It’s more aimed at the sort of problems that wouldn’t normally qualify parents for external support. In fact an awful lot of the parenting questions that we see day in, day out on MN, but the answers come from someone trained with access to reliable and up to date information rather than just some random on the internet.

Given that the OP has just jumped to the conclusion that the helpline must only be for the really disadvantaged, it shows how appropriate what Kate said was for this particular project. She was emphasising that parenting is tough for everyone and everybody could do with a little help sometimes and that it shouldn’t be stigmatised, which is very helpful for a project which is trying to offer support to ordinary parents with everyday worries and issues. The fact the OP has jumped right in with two feet, stigmatising the people who use it and making horrible assumptions about them, shows exactly why it’s probably difficult for the charity to get this message across and why Kate tried to emphasise it and make parents feel there is no shame in needing support.

She wasn’t referring to her own problems or how hard she finds it. She was referring to people in general. Yes she has a live in nanny, but nannies aren’t on duty 24/7 and she does duties at unsociable hours and travels for them so the nanny is likely to be mainly working when she’s not there and even royals don’t have their children entirely raised by nannies anymore. Her children don’t care if she’s the Duchess of Cambridge so she’s still going to have to cope with tantrums, difficult phases, squabbling siblings just like everybody else and it won’t be much easier for her than it is for the rest of us.

This story has been twisted once by the Sun, then twisted again by the OP making huge racist and inaccurate assumptions about the people involved. Just goes to show that lies can be half way around the world before the truth even has it’s shoes on.

BlancheM · 23/01/2019 09:12

She wasn't even talking about herself.

But since you had to make a thread about it, anyone can struggle and anyone can find things easy. And that can change and it can change again. It always staggers me, the simple concept that everyone is different seems so alien to so many. Once you can get your head around it, you'll find your empathy.