AIBU to give up MA, become a SAHM and move from London

[happywifey]

I am half way through an MA, I have been given a couple of years out (max time allowed) in which time I have a 16 month old DD via IVF. I am meant to be returning this month. Childcare has been a nightmare for us as DD didn't settle at nursery so we decided to go down the Part time nanny / childminder route but we haven't been able to find someone for the days I need cover for, and some of the applicants have been very poor indeed.

My DH has said he is happy if I want to leave my Masters and be a SAHM as he feels I would provide the best care, and we would not have to pay the fees for nanny or for the rest of my MA. He says I can just go back and retake everything again in the future ( I am 40 - so no spring chicken). I am starting another round of IVF in the next 2 months too.

The mother/ nurturer in me says parenting is the most important job I will ever do , and babies grow up so fast. Also, the IVF journey has been so tough, why leave her now if I don't need to. I am beginning another cycle of IVF soon, and I can always go back at a later stage and do my MA. I am financially dependent on DH but currently I don't need to return to work - I am self employed and my DH has a good salary. On top of all this I have also been seriously considering a move from London - Big city life is somewhat lacking the sense of community I yearn for. Perhaps somewhere in the Kent Countryside with good transport links to London, lots of space, nature, nice schools.

However, I , in my current mummy brain with breastfeeding , toddler groups and lack of sleep, am wondering if I am romanticising being a SAHM, furthermore, a SAHM living outside of London. I am not bored here, there is so much on offer but tbh I only see a small group of friends now as I have no evening social life. I am enjoying the social chit chat and the toddler groups though, playdates, the baby culture, and the wealth of things to do in London. Nonetheless, I was doing great in my MA and new career before I had my DD. I previously read loads and since having DD I haven't read a single book, and rarely even read the daily newspapers. The feminist in me is telling me to get out off my backside and go do my MA now, do a bit of work part time, stay in London with such good work opportunities and find some childcare fast. I will have regrets in the future if I don't...

Please let me know your thoughts and whether I am romanticising the SAHM life somewhat and just need a good kick up the backside or alternatively whether it all seems pretty reasonable?

Much easier to finish your MA now than to try to go back to it later!

Protect yourself and your child by making sure your earning capacity is as good as it can be, deal with future children when they come along.

To be honest I would wonder why your husband wasn't supportive of your MA and your career? Easier for him if you are SAHM?

What will you MA lead to? A career change or enhancement? Can you say more on how valuable it will be

Mi think you might really regret giving up your MA. If you get pregnant in the next round of IVF will you have time to complete it though? I think it's unlikely you'd go back to with two smalls around anyway.

I would try to keep your own life tbh. How much longer would you have to do on your MA?

You won't regret finishing it but you might regret not.

I would say don't make any rushed decision. Don't make such a big change unless you've had it planned and stayed happy with the decision for say a six month period. If you feel the need to make a decision much quicker than that, maybe look more closely at the stresses/reasons why you feel the need to decide much quicker.

What will the MA actually achieve? What is it for? To be honest have never really understood what a 'masters' actually is. If you don't do it what difference will it make to your future?

I'd say it depended on the MA.

If it's going to qualify you/further enhance your employ-ability prospects then I'd work out a way of finishing it for sure.

Yes, the baby years are short and one day soon you will want to return to an interesting career, read books, be more independent. I remember how I felt like I would never go back to work again with the same zeal, but I’m so glad I stayed in work because now that dc are at school, I love having the authority and freedom to work mostly around school hours. The bad news is that childcare gets harder when they go to school, not easier - the school days are short so you either have to pay a fortune for an after school nanny or send dc to after school club, which can be oversubscribed and also a very long day for little ones.

Some of my friends who took 5 or 6 years off are trying to start a new career in their 40s, and it’s hard to compete against 20 somethings with no commitments and low overheads. Others are SAHMs which is a fantastically important thing to do if you’re financially and temperamentally able (I wouldn’t be)

Only you know if completing your MA is going to make it easier or harder to get back into work. But my advice would be to keep your options open as much as possible.

In terms of leaving London - you will meet more people when dc start school. I would think about schools as a priority. In Kent would you be going down the grammar route? Would you have to drive to the nearest school? These things might restrict you further.

What is the ma in? If it’s in the arts it suggests it was a passion rather than something vocational

Think long term. IVF success rate is lower as you get older I think. London with growing children would be very expensive - especially if u want particular schools.

I work part time and was sahm during maternity leave and loved it and hope to home ed my kids. But evryone’s Different.

How long will it take you to complete your Masters? How much of a benefit will it actually be to your future earning potential?

If you have time to finish your masters before you get pregnant again then do it. I assume you’re not a DL student, so I think going to lectures etc will give you a chance to socialise and be with likeminded people.

What epiccluster said, pretty much. Very hard to pick up your MA after years, and you owe it to yourself and your existing child to futureproof your career and earnings.

And yes, I would say you were definitely in danger of romanticising being a SAHM living outside of London. I moved from north London to a village with a six month old and was a SAHM, and it was the most miserably isolated period of my life -- I missed London desperately, and found rural life entirely unlike rural life in my home country, despite being a sociable person and doing all the right things.

The MA you can pick up again I assume?
But moving is hard to reverse if you sell and buy

I’d probably see how you like London without using cc

I would say finish the MA. You are right...they are only little for a short time and before you know it you might want to be using that MA to get a job which will give you longer term financial security.

16mo DD didn't settle at nursery

That’s her age and separation anxiety.

DS started st nursery at 11 months and settled within two weeks, then we moved house at 15mo and started him in a new nursery at 17mo and it took him about a month to settle (we persevered because we had no choice, and now at 22mo he runs in every morning to play with his friends and cries when it’s time to go home).

Finish your MA. You can still be a SAHM when it’s done (and presumably you’ll be able to work from home quite a lot when you are doing your dissertation so DD doesn’t necessarily need FT nursery).

How far are you off finishing the MA? You say halfway but what is left to do? I think if there is any way to push through it I would. The dissertation part of it will not involve much university attendance so in theory you could be a sahm while finishing your ma, not easy but possible.

What would you do about your MA if the next round of IVF is successful?

And being a SAHM to a toddler in London is very different to being a SAHM in rural Kent. I have lots of friends in rural Sussex, and the Children’s centre StayNPlays, baby yoga, Waterbabies and Rhymetimes that I take for granted (and which are mostly free or subsidised) just do not exist outside of London. There are even fewer parks and playgrounds. They take their toddlers on lots of walks in the pushchair, or play at home. I’m sure that is why NCT is so popular.

I finished my MSW with a newborn. Universities are very accommodating. Speak to them about your options. You could go back module at a time or even from afar?

What's the rest of your career and earning potential like?

What's your dh long term prospects?

What other qualifications do you have and how would he MA improve your overall employability?

Why did you start the MA?

Sorry so many questions but I think they're relevant to the conversation here.

Without outing myself -In terms of how valuable my MA is it is reasonably important in my field if I wish to be employed rather than self employed in the future or if I want to side step in to another field. I have put in a year and have another year to do but it also includes placements etc.

Finish your MA
It will only be another year or so.
Young kids can be left with others - they need you most as teens.

Keep your career, childcare is easy to arrange with small children. You'll be thankful of it should anything change in the future. So many end up with no means to support themselves after a relationship breakdown or worse.

And being a SAHM to a toddler in London is very different to being a SAHM in rural Kent. I have lots of friends in rural Sussex, and the Children’s centre StayNPlays, baby yoga, Waterbabies and Rhymetimes that I take for granted (and which are mostly free or subsidised) just do not exist outside of London. There are even fewer parks and playgrounds. They take their toddlers on lots of walks in the pushchair, or play at home. I’m sure that is why NCT is so popular.

I don’t agree. All of those things do exist outside London. It probably varies from area to area but I live in a large village, in a semi-rural area, and have access to an abundance of those things. Yet also have the sense of community that living in a village brings. And can drive to nearest big city for theatre, bowling etc within half an hour.

I think there is no right or wrong answer to your question OP. It just comes down to how you feel in your heart of hearts. It sounds to me as though you are leaning towards being a SAHM, and there is no shame in doing so, even if it means giving up a good career temporarily. You are right that they are only young once, and contrary to some pps, research shows that young children are less anxious when cared for by a parent rather than an external caregiver.

Having said that, lots of children thrive in childcare, so if you can find the right one for your DD and really want to finish your MA, it is perfectly reasonable to do so.

If you left your MA and then returned, would you have to start year 1 from scratch, or would your exisiting credits still count?