AIBU to give up MA, become a SAHM and move from London

[happywifey]

I am half way through an MA, I have been given a couple of years out (max time allowed) in which time I have a 16 month old DD via IVF. I am meant to be returning this month. Childcare has been a nightmare for us as DD didn't settle at nursery so we decided to go down the Part time nanny / childminder route but we haven't been able to find someone for the days I need cover for, and some of the applicants have been very poor indeed.

My DH has said he is happy if I want to leave my Masters and be a SAHM as he feels I would provide the best care, and we would not have to pay the fees for nanny or for the rest of my MA. He says I can just go back and retake everything again in the future ( I am 40 - so no spring chicken). I am starting another round of IVF in the next 2 months too.

The mother/ nurturer in me says parenting is the most important job I will ever do , and babies grow up so fast. Also, the IVF journey has been so tough, why leave her now if I don't need to. I am beginning another cycle of IVF soon, and I can always go back at a later stage and do my MA. I am financially dependent on DH but currently I don't need to return to work - I am self employed and my DH has a good salary. On top of all this I have also been seriously considering a move from London - Big city life is somewhat lacking the sense of community I yearn for. Perhaps somewhere in the Kent Countryside with good transport links to London, lots of space, nature, nice schools.

However, I , in my current mummy brain with breastfeeding , toddler groups and lack of sleep, am wondering if I am romanticising being a SAHM, furthermore, a SAHM living outside of London. I am not bored here, there is so much on offer but tbh I only see a small group of friends now as I have no evening social life. I am enjoying the social chit chat and the toddler groups though, playdates, the baby culture, and the wealth of things to do in London. Nonetheless, I was doing great in my MA and new career before I had my DD. I previously read loads and since having DD I haven't read a single book, and rarely even read the daily newspapers. The feminist in me is telling me to get out off my backside and go do my MA now, do a bit of work part time, stay in London with such good work opportunities and find some childcare fast. I will have regrets in the future if I don't...

Please let me know your thoughts and whether I am romanticising the SAHM life somewhat and just need a good kick up the backside or alternatively whether it all seems pretty reasonable?

Just a suggestion- Could you put ivf back by a few months

I have already put it back til now due to wanting to continue the breastfeeding relationship, I have the fertility drugs in my fridge and a start date.

then going straight back to work would surely be a better strategy than finishing the MA having time out and then looking to return to work.

Yes this is an option for me part time, and honestly might be easier for now.

Perhaps consider a good nursery if there are no decent childminders/nannies close to you. I dropped out of an MA course and really regret it.

Thankyou for sharing this, this is what I am concerned about.

Two kids can be a lot harder than one so you are likely to put off study for quite some time if you have another. How will you feel about waiting five years?

I was thinking maybe 3 sounds doable, but it all depends on the temperament of the child too and if they are ready for nursery/ childcare. My DD is very high energy & high needs, my DH works long hours and the 1 hour me time I get in the evenings I use to go to the gym. The rest of the time is spent cleaning, prep for next day and the occasional read of mumsnet if I am lucky.

I’d say finish your MA if you possibly can. Yes it will be hard and childcare can be a nightmare. But you’ll have a sense of real achievement at the end. You may end up feeling regret if you stop half way

Thanks this is helpful

Contrary to a pp, I’ve found community and children’s activities SO much easier out of London.

Good to Know

Would moving out of London make any difference to your job prospects later? The best jobs in my field are in London - something to consider.

Yes - I would need to commute to London for work myself at a later stage.

After a point l would have died of boredom without work. In fact, I had a miscarriage between my first and second and work was honestly the only thing that kept me clinging to reality.

Sorry to hear about your loss - M/c are so emotionally tough to go through.

School gate chatter is not like the deep relationships I had through NCT and baby groups. It can be lonely and boring being at home at that age. You may love it. But I’d want to know I had the option to go back to my professional life and all the freedoms that entails.

This is a helpful perspective , thankyou.

Finish your MA

However since I became a mum I am so much more involved with (or get to go to) community events.

This is what tempts me - that sense of community. However, I really love my career, and am fulfilled in my job - it excites me and I have a passion for it. Yet parenting also fulfills me so much. I am looking to be a SAHM for just a short time 3 or 4 years and then go back.

Finish your MA - I regret not finishing a course I did and it feels like a failure, you must not be far off completion - sometimes the harder route (MA and find childcare) gets the best rewards.

By dealing with DCs anxiety and attachment now you will also save yourself alot of pain down the line.

depending upon how often you have to go in, it will be good for you to keep it going and be a sahm as well... but you don’t say how often you’re in uni so it’s not that straightforward.

3 days so only part time and that includes placements etc too.

your ovaries are gonna be like sundried tomatoes any day now!

Hehe. Many a true word.

I had my last DC at 43. I had swithered about doing more qualifications before I had her. Now she is 7 and I am 50. I would have plenty of time and energy to study but I no longer have the inclination.

If I had the option to dip in and out of my old career on a self-employment basis I would.

To be honest I would wonder why your husband wasn't supportive of your MA and your career? Easier for him if you are SAHM?

He is very supportive, and has no doubt that I will return to my studies in a couple of years, but also says I am a great mother so why pay someone else if there is no need right now.

By dealing with DCs anxiety and attachment now you will also save yourself alot of pain down the line.

This is nonsense.
My DD1 was stapled to me at 16 months. By the time she was 3 she could hardly be bothered to wave me goodbye when she went to nursery. I was a SAHM and as she has a year younger sibling and her Dad didn't come home till 7pm workdays she was hardly ever not in my company for the first 3 years of her life.

In general children grow out of separation anxiety by the time they are 3. Trying to train them out of it can be counter productive.

I would say finish it. I finished my MA when my DD was 12 months and I was six months pregnant with DD2. It was hard bloody work at the time and I was definitely tempted to throw the towel in but I persevered and was so glad I did. Graduation day was such a source of pride for me, I love looking back at pictures still I graduated top of my class and as soneone who has struggled with confidence, I always think if I could do that I can do anything, so it’s been really empowering. Go for it OP - your children will be proud of you in years to come.

Oh and besides the MA I was a SAHM since DD1 was born. Started part time work just this month now that DD2 is over a year. Being a SAHM was mentally excruciating for me. I live rurally, there are classes but it’s a hassle and well there are still too many hours in the day to fill when you get home from one! I know it’s not everyone’s experience and if I only had one child I would probably still be a SAHM but two is a different ball game and I skip out the door to work now

My advice would be to finish your MA. I dropped out of a course once and like others, I regret not finishing it.

That's a very generous offer from your husband. If it was the 50's.

Finish your MA!

Have you tried childcare.co.uk

I’ve just finished a course (equivalents to masters) with dd who’s now 5. I took two years out since dd was born. I even failed some parts but I kept going and finally finally finished!!! It feels soo good to have achieved it. I too had to pay for nanny etc however I did quit work right at the last hurdle and keep the nanny on, qualifications absolutely matter in most jobs. Even if they didn’t, when are you going to get this chance again?
It is super super hard with no family to help though. Good luck.

I think you should do what you want, listen to your heart, I did.
The only people who I know who have regrets were those too scared to take the risk, and followed their head.

Going against a lot of these posts here but I have an 18 month old and am in the final part (dissertation) of my MEd (part-time, 3 year course).
I've always been quite academic and career focussed (and loved my job) but since having DD I've not been so bothered about it.

If I was in your position and could afford to be a SAHM and pay for my studies when she's older I would. I intended to go onto a PhD in the next couple of years but now planning to (hopefully!) have a second DC in 3-4 years and then wait until they're in late primary before that and just working part-time until then.

If we could afford for me to be a SAHM for a while I would. But planning to buy a house in the next 2 years means I can't.

Do what you would want to do. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take some time out with children whilst they're young. DD loves her nursery now (it took her a few months to properly settle) but I still wouldn't want to have her in full time yet. I love having that time with her.

Do your MA, stay in London for a bit. It's amazing how you find that village atmosphere in London once you have children - nursery and particularly primary school plunge you into a whole new lovely world right on your doorstep that you didn't know was there before.

And the baby/toddler years fly by, and then your DC will be at school fulltime, money might be tighter than you'd like, and you'll wish you'd stuck at it.

OP I think donajimena's comment right at the start of the thread sums it up

You won't regret finishing it but you might regret not.

There's never going to be a time in your life where you say i'm so annoyed / mad / cross (insert whichever word) that I did a MA

It will open so many doors, and is something you will always be proud of.

So I say finish the MA.

In light of having to restart year 1...i think I'd want to continue the masters... It gives you future options.

I know it would be a big ask..
Could you do the last few months and ivf jn parallel? To maximise your chances.

I was a SAHM and spent my time between a big city where we lived and the countryside where my parents lived. It was a very comfortable life with small children but I would have hated being in the countryside all year round, dependent on a car to do almost anything. Life quickly becomes culturally impoverished in the countryside because going anywhere is such hard work! It was fine for me because my parents basically ran a hotel for their daughters and grandchildren and I didn’t have to worry about domestic stuff in the countryside.

If you do decide to move to the countryside, choose your chidren’s school first and foremost. That is where you will find the community you are after.