AIBU to give up MA, become a SAHM and move from London

[happywifey]

I am half way through an MA, I have been given a couple of years out (max time allowed) in which time I have a 16 month old DD via IVF. I am meant to be returning this month. Childcare has been a nightmare for us as DD didn't settle at nursery so we decided to go down the Part time nanny / childminder route but we haven't been able to find someone for the days I need cover for, and some of the applicants have been very poor indeed.

My DH has said he is happy if I want to leave my Masters and be a SAHM as he feels I would provide the best care, and we would not have to pay the fees for nanny or for the rest of my MA. He says I can just go back and retake everything again in the future ( I am 40 - so no spring chicken). I am starting another round of IVF in the next 2 months too.

The mother/ nurturer in me says parenting is the most important job I will ever do , and babies grow up so fast. Also, the IVF journey has been so tough, why leave her now if I don't need to. I am beginning another cycle of IVF soon, and I can always go back at a later stage and do my MA. I am financially dependent on DH but currently I don't need to return to work - I am self employed and my DH has a good salary. On top of all this I have also been seriously considering a move from London - Big city life is somewhat lacking the sense of community I yearn for. Perhaps somewhere in the Kent Countryside with good transport links to London, lots of space, nature, nice schools.

However, I , in my current mummy brain with breastfeeding , toddler groups and lack of sleep, am wondering if I am romanticising being a SAHM, furthermore, a SAHM living outside of London. I am not bored here, there is so much on offer but tbh I only see a small group of friends now as I have no evening social life. I am enjoying the social chit chat and the toddler groups though, playdates, the baby culture, and the wealth of things to do in London. Nonetheless, I was doing great in my MA and new career before I had my DD. I previously read loads and since having DD I haven't read a single book, and rarely even read the daily newspapers. The feminist in me is telling me to get out off my backside and go do my MA now, do a bit of work part time, stay in London with such good work opportunities and find some childcare fast. I will have regrets in the future if I don't...

Please let me know your thoughts and whether I am romanticising the SAHM life somewhat and just need a good kick up the backside or alternatively whether it all seems pretty reasonable?

If you are 40 now and planning more DC you will be 60 + before your DC are grown up. So then it comes down to how you feel about working and raising DC rather than a younger person thinking in terms of how they will cope with being an empty nester. Also be realistic about payback as you will have many years of childcare costs ahead and not many without.

If you are thinking of a career break completing an MA and then going straight back to work would surely be a better strategy than finishing the MA having time out and then looking to return to work.

Agree with other comments about how isolating SAHM can be outside of the City and also agree you should try being a SAHM without childcare in London first.

Would it make more sense to put the MA on hold and continue as you are being self-employed and scaling back / scaling up work as child raising / IVF etc dictates?

I think there is no right or wrong answer to your question OP. It just comes down to how you feel in your heart of hearts. It sounds to me as though you are leaning towards being a SAHM, and there is no shame in doing so, even if it means giving up a good career temporarily. You are right that they are only young once, and contrary to some pps, research shows that young children are less anxious when cared for by a parent rather than an external caregiver.

Thank you for this post. It does kind of sum up how I feel about it all
right now.

If you left your MA and then returned, would you have to start year 1 from scratch, or would your existing credits still count?

Good point - I have been told I would need to go back to YR1 as the course changes but there maybe other options to look in to.

Would it make more sense to put the MA on hold and continue as you are being self-employed and scaling back / scaling up work as child raising / IVF etc dictates?

Hmmm - good point to consider.

Yes, the baby years are short and one day soon you will want to return to an interesting career, read books, be more independent.

Interesting point.

I would think about schools as a priority.

This is a priority for us, as is the commute to London for our work- we understand there are some lovely independent, state schools & grammars in Kent and it has excellent transport links. It's the other stuff that draws me more though - Nature, sports, low pollution and above all community.

Just a suggestion- Could you put ivf back by a few months, try a month or two before MA starts then finish your last year (is it an academic year or a full year?). This would be my preference unless you can be assured you don't have to repeat year 1. I would not want to have to do the year again. fWIw I was pregnant during the last 8 months of my masters (part time masters over two years but I was also working full time). It was do-able. I also had ivf during my masters but this was with my first child so I didn't have another child to consider.

I'm finishing my masters while on maternity leave. Actually quite therapeutic when nothing else to think about apart from nappies!

Honestly if it was me I would finish the MA as it won't be long until you've finished it. Perhaps consider a good nursery if there are no decent childminders/nannies close to you. I dropped out of an MA course and really regret it.

I had twins while doing my PhD and went back after a year. It was really tough as my childcare was not well thought out bit I'm glad I did it. My gut feeling is, if you find good childcare that you trust, you'll probably feel a lot better about going back to the MA. Not having reliable childcare is incredibly stressful emotionally.

Thanks for all the messages and advice regarding returning to my MA. It's a difficult decision to have to make. The majority here feel that my earning potential, independence and future happiness is the most important thing, and I can understand that perspective as a feminist and I agree the baby years won't last forever.

However, I am still unsure what I am going to do, as my gut feeling is that I be with my child until she is ready for nursery/ school unless I find a super duper nanny who bonds readily with DD in the next few weeks and has similar values to us. I am surprised not many SAHM have responded as I was really hoping to hear their views too.

Thank you everyone who has replied it has given me much to think about.

I'm finishing my masters while on maternity leave. Actually quite therapeutic when nothing else to think about apart from nappies!

This is not my experience of parenting. Do you have childcare?

Not having reliable childcare is incredibly stressful emotionally.

Very true.

It’s a difficult choice and only you know what’s best. It is hard to study with children (I'm doing my MSc via distance learning) but it’s worthwhile. I don’t have the stress of going into uni, but I do work practically full time on top of it all.

I think, depending upon how often you have to go in, it will be good for you to keep it going and be a sahm as well... but you don’t say how often you’re in uni so it’s not that straightforward.

Two kids can be a lot harder than one so you are likely to put off study for quite some time if you have another. How will you feel about waiting five years? You’ll be 45 with school runs and wrap around care to arrange. I had six years out which I found tough. Now studying while working with DH picking up the slack. But I was 33 when I returned to work.

As for London, I wish I knew the answer. It’s bloody hard to make the break and we almost did it. Glad it fell through now but suspect we have to make the break soon, if only to have a decent sized house, space and fresh air. But the opportunities are great, good schools and excellent public transport.

Ok so I was a SAHM for 11 years and this was my experience: there is stuff to do with babies outside London. There may not be the same range, and there may not be things every day of the week, but there are things to do. You can also invent your own things to do. (Walk, go to the park, meet people for coffee).
For me, being a SAHM was a logical choice as I was almost 40, didn’t really love my work, had a DH whose salary was sufficient for me to stay at home but also regularly worked away from home; it’s helpful that I also really enjoy domestic stuff.
I think there were massive benefits to the family of being at home - emotional security (a big deal if one parent is routinely absent), obvious cover for sickness, holidays etc, availability to help out at school (and other families having childcare crises), availability to take DCs to clubs and activities. In hindsight it was the healthiest and happiest time of my adult life.
I tend to feel that the feminist thing is a bit of a red herring, that somehow it is more feminist to pay a different woman to bring up your child/clean your house/do your ironing than it is to do it yourself, whereas in fact you should do what gives you fulfilment and what works for your family.
The thing that really struck me in your OP was that the MA decision is entirely yours (quite rightly so), but also the decision to move out of London. Has your husband expressed any opinion about a move? Would it lengthen his day? That might have an impact on how you find yours.
Ultimately it’s very difficult to advise anyone because people need to do what works for their situation. (Sorry). But good luck reaching a decision.

I am surprised not many SAHM have responded as I was really hoping to hear their views too.

I am a SAHM. Was in a professional career, which I had to gain a degree to do. Went back part time after first, second and third child and enjoyed being back at work whilst still spending a decent amount of time with the children.

But then various changes were proposed at work which I didn't like and I made the decision to be a SAHM for a while. I am late thirties and been off work for a year and a half now.

No regrets at all, I'm really enjoying it but I am also planning my next move (likely retraining in a different career) for when all the DC are at school. I look forward to having an interesting career again but am not currently in a hurry to return. I do consider myself a feminist - it is totally my choice to do this.

there were massive benefits to the family of being at home - emotional security (a big deal if one parent is routinely absent), obvious cover for sickness, holidays etc, availability to help out at school (and other families having childcare crises), availability to take DCs to clubs and activities. In hindsight it was the healthiest and happiest time of my adult life.

Thank you for responding and giving me another perspective to think about.

Has your husband expressed any opinion about a move?

My husband is supportive of a move with a short commute in to London for work and he grew up in the countryside so would be content, he is v sporty and enjoys cycling etc. I believe he would prefer me to be a SAHM for a short while as he feels it would be better for our daughter, but he says it's entirely my decision.

No regrets at all, I'm really enjoying it

Thanks for responding

I would finish your MA. I took off about as long as you have with my first and then went back and finished up a PhD. The baby and early toddler years are intense, but much less so as they get older. After a point l would have died of boredom without work. In fact, I had a miscarriage between my first and second and work was honestly the only thing that kept me clinging to reality. My youngest is now nearly a year and I am so looking forward to returning to work. I love him and spending time with him. But I know I’m happiest having the best of both worlds. Especially as children get older, it’s not the same. School gate chatter is not like the deep relationships I had through NCT and baby groups. It can be lonely and boring being at home at that age. You may love it. But I’d want to know I had the option to go back to my professional life and all the freedoms that entails.

You are being selective about what you’ve responded to - all pointing to staying at home. Sounds like your mind is made up and it’s clear what you want the answer to be.

Sack that! Enjoy your baby and have another. MAs are ten a penny now anyway. Your ovaries are gonna be like sundried tomatoes any day now!

I'm finishing my masters while on maternity leave. Actually quite therapeutic when nothing else to think about apart from nappies!

I wrote up my PhD during mat leave - we didn’t have paid childcare but from when DS was six months I used to go to the library for a couple of evenings a week after he had gone to bed. It was nice to have a bit of me-time honestly, even if it was technically work.

All of those things do exist outside London. It probably varies from area to area

Yes sorry littlecabbage, I meant those things aren’t as easy to access if you live in a village, not “outside of London”. My friends generally travel into Brighton for baby swimming etc, which is 20miles away. Their actual village doesn’t have anything except for the local playgroup.

I more meant that you can’t just check Hoop each morning and see what free activity takes your fancy. Or decide to walk across the road to the local park because the sun’s come out. Everything seems to turn into an all-day expedition in the car.

I have no issue with Sussex villages, I grew up in one and my DM still lives there, we go down to visit all the time and the countryside and space is lovely. But there isn’t much to do on the doorstep, and I personally would miss that.

I've been a SAHM for 3.5 years and am really, really pleased I did it. Not every day was easy, it can be lonely and I missed the mental stimulation of work but it was definitely the right choice for our family. I gave up a career I loved and was hard to get into and it may be a struggle if I want to go back into a similar role. From a feminist perspective I really felt going back to work wasn't right - I really felt it would be a huge sacrifice from what I wanted.

What I would think about is:

• what do you want things to look like in 3 or 5 years time? If the MA gives you the option of a very flexible career I would give up the early years (1-3 years old) and do it so you could get to do after school pickups and school holidays.
• do you have family help? We had none so there was zero backup, and now DS is at school going back to work doesn't feel like an option as there is no one to take him m for school holidays
• how long could you be a SAHM for? Going into pre-reception was a big change for DS, he still gets upset about us being apart so again going back to work didn't feel like much of an option.
• in terms of where you are moving, think a lot about what activities you could be doing on a weekly basis. I couldn't have survived without three good activities to do a week and lots of friends. After my NCt went back to work I was really focused on making friends, you'll have to really out yourself out there.

Good luck and enjoy whatever your choice is!

I am a SAHM. I didn't give up a career I gave up a job. There is a big difference between the two. If you do the MA then I assume it leads to something with your career. Does it mean better pay? That you will be someone well known in your career and the next generation will look up to you? If that is what you want from your life then that is good. However if it just leads to extra pay - which some is gobbled up by child care - do you need that money? Really need. Or will it just be for something like fancy holidays which are nice but not actually needed. A lot of people think of sahm as being boring, nothing to use your brain on, all talk of nappies and nits. However since I became a mum I am so much more involved with (or get to go to) community events. When I had my job I found it hard to balance the work/life thing and was to be honest a bit of a zombie and very very bored. Now my life is very busy. A mix of things that are for my child, for me, for my community. I love the fact I am able to be a sahm - my husband doesn't earn a lot and we only just manage. But for our family it works. You need to think about the type of life you want to have when your child is older (not the baby/toddler years) and will that MA make a difference to that life.

I did an MA when my youngest was born (started when she was 5 months and finished when she was 3). I have also lived with young children in London and a rural area. I have worked part time since having children and also had 2 years of being a sahm (in addition to maternity leave).

With that background, I’d say finish your MA if you possibly can. Yes it will be hard and childcare can be a nightmare. But you’ll have a sense of real achievement at the end. You may end up feeling regret if you stop half way. I imagine it would be hard to go back and do it again in a few years.

I live in a rural area about an hour from London. Contrary to a pp, I’ve found community and children’s activities SO much easier out of London. I’ve done swimming and music clubs in both locations and found that in London the clubs (same franchise) were twice the price and much more oversubscribed.

Would moving out of London make any difference to your job prospects later? That has been a bit of a stumbling block to me getting back into work. The best jobs in my field are in London - something to consider.

Lots of things to weigh up. As for whether you have a romantic view of being a sahm, you will only find out if you try it. Personally, I miss the financial freedom and the life outside the home and children. This is despite having a great social life here and being involved in the children’s school. I love that I’m not missing out on their childhood, but then all Mums who work still manage to make it to most of the important school stuff (eg Christmas plays) by rearranging work days etc. The baby/toddler years seem like forever when you are in them, but they really aren’t. You have to consider what you want your life to look like when your children are at school.

Good luck with your choices!

You are being selective about what you’ve responded to - all pointing to staying at home. Sounds like your mind is made up and it’s clear what you want the answer to be.

My heart wants to stay at home, my head tells me to keep on going. It's a hard decision, which I don't have much time to decide. Apologies, I only get to use the computer when my DD is asleep and we are not doing stuff as I limit screen time so I have been selective somewhat, but I really appreciate everyone's contributions, I was just interested to hear the other side of the debate - all of my friends are working so the 'continue with the MA' is already familiar ground.