AIBU to give up MA, become a SAHM and move from London

[happywifey]

I am half way through an MA, I have been given a couple of years out (max time allowed) in which time I have a 16 month old DD via IVF. I am meant to be returning this month. Childcare has been a nightmare for us as DD didn't settle at nursery so we decided to go down the Part time nanny / childminder route but we haven't been able to find someone for the days I need cover for, and some of the applicants have been very poor indeed.

My DH has said he is happy if I want to leave my Masters and be a SAHM as he feels I would provide the best care, and we would not have to pay the fees for nanny or for the rest of my MA. He says I can just go back and retake everything again in the future ( I am 40 - so no spring chicken). I am starting another round of IVF in the next 2 months too.

The mother/ nurturer in me says parenting is the most important job I will ever do , and babies grow up so fast. Also, the IVF journey has been so tough, why leave her now if I don't need to. I am beginning another cycle of IVF soon, and I can always go back at a later stage and do my MA. I am financially dependent on DH but currently I don't need to return to work - I am self employed and my DH has a good salary. On top of all this I have also been seriously considering a move from London - Big city life is somewhat lacking the sense of community I yearn for. Perhaps somewhere in the Kent Countryside with good transport links to London, lots of space, nature, nice schools.

However, I , in my current mummy brain with breastfeeding , toddler groups and lack of sleep, am wondering if I am romanticising being a SAHM, furthermore, a SAHM living outside of London. I am not bored here, there is so much on offer but tbh I only see a small group of friends now as I have no evening social life. I am enjoying the social chit chat and the toddler groups though, playdates, the baby culture, and the wealth of things to do in London. Nonetheless, I was doing great in my MA and new career before I had my DD. I previously read loads and since having DD I haven't read a single book, and rarely even read the daily newspapers. The feminist in me is telling me to get out off my backside and go do my MA now, do a bit of work part time, stay in London with such good work opportunities and find some childcare fast. I will have regrets in the future if I don't...

Please let me know your thoughts and whether I am romanticising the SAHM life somewhat and just need a good kick up the backside or alternatively whether it all seems pretty reasonable?

If I was in your position and could afford to be a SAHM and pay for my studies when she's older I would.If we could afford for me to be a SAHM for a while I would

This is an interesting perspective, of which I would like to hear more if possible Owwlie. What is it that makes you want to do this ?

I worry that I am going to find it much more of a struggle to study now; Reading for instance - I don't get a chance at home, my DD is not that type of baby who will sit for any length of time playing alone, and TBH I don't sleep well as we are still Breastfeeding throughout night. On top of it all - I want to be with my daughter more than I want to be doing my MA right now but I would still consider myself very academic so would want to go back at a later date, just for now my priorities feel quite different.

If you do decide to move to the countryside, choose your chidren’s school first and foremost. That is where you will find the community you are after.

Thankyou for this advice

It was hard bloody work at the time and I was definitely tempted to throw the towel in but I persevered and was so glad I did.

Thankyou for this - and congrats :)

In general children grow out of separation anxiety by the time they are 3.

Thanks , yes. This is another area I have been reading research on too and adds to me wanting to stay at home.

Have you tried childcare.co.uk

Yes. We didn't have much good luck, just spammed by lots of randoms who didn't read our profile.

Firstly you need to have a serious talking to your knee femenist. She’s a bit of a bitch. Femenism should be about empowering women to make the choices that make them happy not driving them to a nervous breakdown for the sake of keep up with male counterparts. Do what will make you happiest. An MA isn’t much of an achievement/opportunity. Unless you actually want to do it you won’t be loosing anything. Likewise being a SAHM isn’t obligatory. There’s no harm in going back to studying unless you want to be at home full time and not doing that would make you miserable.

There's never going to be a time in your life where you say i'm so annoyed / mad / cross (insert whichever word) that I did a MA

Nonetheless, I worry there will be a time in my life where I say, I wish I had spent the first few years with my child, enjoying being a mother, deepening our attachment , breastfeeding on demand.

I really feel that I will return to the MA at a later date.

Hi
I wasn't sahm but I work flexibly and over the past five years have spent a lot of time at home with my kids. They are both at school now.

I would say finish your ma.

People with pre schoolers think that is the bit where they need you - but it is once they are at school all day but still young (ie primary) that they really need you around ...

You will not have the chance of long days with them once they are four and start school so you will really want to collect them as often as possible.

This is really something partners don't think about - but your older children will need and want you around !

You will also want flexibility to take off school holidays

I would think carefully before committing to commuting for these reasons.

And I would do the ma if you can while they are little enough to do some nursery days and then still have long days to spend with you

I think that your priorities will change and you will not redo your MA.
I'm unsure about your move to Kent if you then plan for you and your husband to commute into London each day.In reality you will be on your own for longer days with 2 children and child care gets even more complicated when they start school.I live rurally and am not sure about this community life you are dreaming of and you will be reliant on a car for all child related activities until they leave home.
If you are self employed can you not concentrate on developing that?
If you have decided not do do your MA then you need to be realistic about the rest.

Femenism should be about empowering women to make the choices that make them happy not driving them to a nervous breakdown for the sake of keep up with male counterparts.

I agree it's about empowering women but disagree with the only doing it to 'keep up' with men. It's only in recent history that we as women have been given the opportunity to study . To give up this opportunity to study my MA, which I have worked hard for and also hard-fought by my foresisters is a big thing. Like voting - I would never not vote knowing what it has taken to get to this place. This I am certain. However, I would also argue that being a full time mother is a feminist issue and actually not given anywhere near the importance which it thoroughly deserves.

People with pre schoolers think that is the bit where they need you - but it is once they are at school all day but still young (ie primary) that they really need you around

I would disagree with this, at least in terms of attachment. The first couple of years are more important I would say.

I would disagree with this, at least in terms of attachment. The first couple of years are more important I would say

But attachment doesn't mean to one person all of the time. Children can develop attachments to a number of adults who play a caring role and it in no way undermines the attachment you have with your child.
Children who have secure attachments with a primary carer ( doesn't necessarily have to be mum...can be dad) tend to do well in a nursery setting.

Oh I would echo PPs above. School age is when you need real flexibility.
Pre-school age is a doddle to organise in comparison...especially if you have a nursery place.

So is it mainly the early years (0-3/4)that you are concerned about op? How do you envisage life with two school age dc? I'm a SAHM and my dc are 3 and 5 (just started reception)and we want to avoid using childcare at primary age if we can. This is obviously very limiting wrt jobs. I agree with pp about childcare for older dc, it gets much harder because nurseries are open 7.30-6, 51 weeks a year but wrap around/holiday care is much harder to come by. If your plan is to SAH for the next 4/5 years then return to your Masters then I don't see why not. You don't sound very enthusiastic about returning!

I was going to say leave the MA for later as you want to go for a second child but you only have 1 year left so you presumably would have finished before you have your second. In that case, I think it could be doable for you if you find a good childminder that you trust and that your DD likes. That's what worked for my son, he would go to the childminder while I was writing up my PhD. He loved the homely atmosphere and had fun playing with the other kids for a few hours. I am now a SAHM but looking to get back to work as my youngest has just started school.

But attachment doesn't mean to one person all of the time.

I agree - it can be with any primary caregiver. Furthermore, if that one primary caregiver is not securely attached themselves, or if there are other issues, it can also lead to insecure attachment, even when they spend all their time with the child. - tbh this is one of my worries with outsourcing my childcare. However, in my own personal case and experience I feel that I would be the best caregiver for my child, and under the age of two children only need 1 secure attachment.

Children who have secure attachments with a primary carer ( doesn't necessarily have to be mum...can be dad) tend to do well in a nursery setting.

Please point me to the research on this - I would be interested to read it. I am wondering if the research is based on children over the age of two?

You don't sound very enthusiastic about returning!

I am very enthusiastic about returning after a few years - now seems much more difficult. I love my field of study. In terms of going back in the future I am adamant I would - others who have replied seem to think it is less possible though, and I listen to those views.

I'm a SAHM and my dc are 3 and 5 (just started reception)and we want to avoid using childcare at primary age if we can

I would be working anyhow so childcare at least some of the time will be a necessity in the future.

I'm a SAHM of 10 years (although I do work a bit from home now - but fell into that. LOL). I love it. I gave up a lucrative career. I had high earnings and higher potential. But money isn't important to me. We tightened our belts for a few years (infact this is the first year things are ok.....don't want to tempt fate here....) - If I went back to when my son was born I would do it again in a heartbeat. I don't need to work to feel value or important. I know I am. I love being able to go into assemblies, classes, etc etc. My schedule between 3 and 9 when I am ferrying kids around between activities is so crazy it is like doing a full time job anyway (and now they do activities at the weekend too.....definitely try to limit that if possible.) - If you want another child do everything you can to help the IVF to work and staying low stress must help. Good luck. Follow your heart.

You don’t need us to tell you it’s ok to leave uni. You are allowed to make that decision: only you and your DH know what’s best for your family. This thread is perplexing. I honestly don’t know what advice you’re after as you seem to have an answer for everyone’s advice and it doesn’t seem anyone can be right - which is ok as we don’t know your life.

I guess what I mean is... if you need more time out because you want to be a SAHM or for any reason then go for it! You don’t need feminism or research into attachment theory to make that decision. You do what’s best for you and your family and no one will criticise.

Thank you to everyone for posting. Although I have supported and challenged some views along the way, I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond. My decision is still not clear cut in anyway so it is very helpful I have gained so many perspectives to ponder on in the next couple of weeks.

The elephant in the room is the risk of not being financially independent. Noone wants to think about death, debt, divorce (and many divorced women will say they never envisaged it happening to them).

When feminism refers to 'empowerment', financial independence is key and its the cornerstone to choice.

Will you have savings of your own while you're a SAHM, in your own account? Will you have other means of financial support (eg parents)?

If you do go back to work, how feasible will two parents commuting from Kent to London be with school age kids?

The happiest SAHMs I know have an independent means of income (usually from a property they own solely that they rent out). Its their nest egg and pension.

Lots of people would happily give up work to spend more time with their children but there's a bigger picture.

Nonetheless, I worry there will be a time in my life where I say, I wish I had spent the first few years with my child, enjoying being a mother, deepening our attachment , breastfeeding on demand.

I really don't think it's likely that in a few years time with your widened career opportunities and your DC is older that you will be thinking about breastfeeding and thinking that you aren't attached enough to your DC.

It sounds a bit to me like you're trying to come up with excuses to justify your desire to quit. If you want to quit just do it but I think it would be quite a shame to drop out of your education. You say you will return at a later date but if you have a second child and move away, start a whole new life I can see that MA slipping further and further away until you become a SAHM till your kids are 18 and all employment opportunities are down the drain. I know that sounds a bit harsh but I've seen so many women do the same, starting with giving up their studies and I can tell that they've regretted it.

I live in the south east just outside the m25 my/my DH commute into work (central London) is actually quicker than when we lived in zone 2 of the tube....so moving out doesn't necessarily mean a long commute. There are some fast links from Kent into London.