Reasons why I don’t want MIL to see my baby, AIBU?

[MamaBearXO]

1. She talks about her sons, grandsons and daughters boyfriends penis but mainly her sons and not in a parenting sense
2. She’s allowed her grandson to run out the door numerous times and when he fell downstairs stayed in her bed playing phone games
3. She’s bragged about raping a man to her children’s partners and children
4. She did cocaine just last year
5. With every grandchild she brags about teaching them “nana” as a first word and how upset the parents were (its lies btw)
6. She stretched her granddaughters stomach by upping how much milk she had and the baby was crying in pain (mother of baby told me)
7. She’s allowed men to come in and control her kids and abuse them
8. She gave her children takeaway so they shut up while she has loud sex in the other room (random men she meets on a night out)
9. She’s on the dog ban list but has got a new dog

10. Many of her cats and kittens have gone missing no sign of remorse 11. House is coated in fleas 12. Frequent smoker and smokes in the house and car 13. Takes credit for a lot of things and creates rumours about people which include their parenting 14. Let’s all of her kids smoke drink and do drugs underage 15. The new illegal dog apparently nips 16. Lies 17. Made her children lie about being abused so they didn’t get taken off her properly and all of her kids have been on the child protection register 18. Shares secrets with other family members whenever her kids confide in her 19. Broken her daughters nose 20. Bullies her children 21. Flirts with her son 22. Has let grandchildren’s clothes get peed on by cats and still let them wear the clothes 23. All of her daughters have lost their virginity underage (she’s quite supportive) 24. I’ll make this the last one so I don’t go on anymore, she doesn’t ask how my baby is, she doesn’t ask to see my baby and she doesn’t even know how to spell my baby’s 4 letter name, she also doesn’t agree with her sons parenting

Could you move away?

Moving is a difficult thing at the moment and wouldn’t be very easy at all

As opposed to what? Watching your children be sexually molested by their grandmother or her boyfriend? How easy would that be?

Wake up! You cannot trust your DP to protect your child. that train has already left the station. The question is can you get your DP and child away from this tiresome dysfunction or are your children going to be the next chain in the cycle of abuse?

I would move NOW whilst the kid is young and your DP still loves you enough. pretend you've fallen in love with somewhere a few hours away and GO. if you wait until there's a crisis then he'll refuse to go.

If you dont move, you WILL be posting back on mumsnet in five years about how it's become so bad and you cannot leave but you hate your DP because he won't put you and your kids first. SS will be in and out of home etc.

Did you grow up in care btw?

@vuripadexo

She is nowhere near close enough to have that kind of impact on my child, she doesn’t see baby regularly as it is that is another reason why I want to block altogether so my baby would never end up in any situation similar to her children

I feel you’re assuming a lot of information however I am curious as to why you’ve asked about me growing up in care?

Have you actually discussed this with your husband?

I agree that you need to keep your distance, and what you've put about your Mil is very worrying, but it's also very odd.

You have mentioned that you discussed before even having children that Mil would not be babysitting. You've also mentioned that your husband has noticed you not bringing your baby downstairs when Mil is here.

It sounds to me like you and your husband haven't had a proper discussion about mil and your baby yet, which is crazy given the situation. Or did you agree with contact but no babysitting before the baby was born etc? If so, did some thing else happen to change your feelings?

Basically, I think going all put on restraining orders is a bit ott if you haven't had a good chat with your husband first to see what he thinks.

@Mama

I know it is really difficult, but if you cannot move far away soon or you and your partner decide not to go NC then you need to execute a plan to manage MIL that you both agree on.

In one way it would be distressing if MIL turned up and kicked off, but it could go in your favour. If she kicks off in front of the baby and the police are called they will refer it to children's services, as they are legally obliged to under safeguarding/ child protection procedures.

This means that you could be given a stark choice by children's services keep baby away from MIL in order to be a protective factor and keep safe.
You get what you want in a round about way. This may also trigger and investigation by children's services into how your partner's siblings are living.

I think you have to continue to put baby's needs above everyone else's, including your partner.

You need to report Mil to children's services now too. Or to the safeguarding officer at your partner's siblings school if you know the school they attend

If what you say is true and your mil really does these things then you need to help these children and break the cycle of abuse that you say the are suffering.

She sounds horrendous you ANBU!

Not read the full thread but of course you should block this vile woman from seeing your baby.
If my mil was like this there isn't a chance in hell she would enter my house however bloody persistent she was and if my DP did not agree then he would be long gone too.

@Sleeplikeasloth
I haven’t been able to have a full sit down discussion with him yet about this and I’m going to, the thing is the main thing we agreed on was no babysitting but we didn’t really think about the rest of the situation which is now arising and I need to have a conversation with him about this the scary thing is he hasn’t actually straight up told her that she’s not going to babysit, she’s mentioned it a few times but it seems he doesn’t really want to be upfront and tell her so getting him to agree with me banning her from seeing is going to be a whole other thing

@bugaboo218
I know the main problem is it’s his mum, I mean if it was a sister or anyone else I’d have no problem but cutting his mum off fully is going to be very difficult, that’s why we need to have a talk, and I will always put babies needs above everyone but it doesn’t mean I’ll completely forget my partner altogether
I don’t know if you’ve seen my comments about social services being involved numerous times, but they won’t do anything and neither will the youngest two, they will continue to defend her so they’ll say its lies and then social services will have no evidence but their word

@BlackpoolMama29
Thank you

@Limensoda
Thank you i’m trying to work out a plan

How old is your baby? I don't see how you couldn't have had that conversation though. Even if baby was born today, you'd have had 8 months to discuss it.

So she has a history of abusing her children, potentially sexually assaulting someone, and illegal drug use, and your partner thinks she's safe?

If her own children weren't safe there is NO WAY I would allow a GC around her.

MamaBearXO
She is nowhere near close enough to have that kind of impact on my child, she doesn’t see baby regularly as it is that is another reason why I want to block altogether so my baby would never end up in any situation similar to her children

So why can't you move further? Her own children have had to do it. But you think you can manage her up close? Why?

I feel you’re assuming a lot of information however I am curious as to why you’ve asked about me growing up in care?

You are under-reacting to the situation. I assumed you'd seen some fairly chaotic things otherwise you'd be a lot more scared for your child's safety.

Your partner should really read Toxic Parents. HUGE eye-opener. (FTR: my parents are lovely, as are MIL and SFIL. FIL is a problem but I have a rockstar Hubby and he is LC/NC with FIL.)

To those who recommend moving, the situation is infact difficult, we moved into this house while I was pregnant and actually got this house for the purpose and fact that we won’t have to move for a few years
We’ve been here just over a year and put in quite a bit of money to make it suitable and comfortable here
My mother who is so helpful and supportive lives 15 minutes away
MIL isn’t seeing baby frequently enough for a moving to be required

So to move hours away it would be very difficult and fine I’ll give away some more personal information, me and my partner aren’t in our 20’s or 30’s I’ve never been too far apart from family holidays and my partner (surprise) has never had a holiday
So were not these fully experience adults who’ve been moving many times
I’ve lived with my family, supported living for teens a house that was moved on from that where me and my partner planned our baby and now this is our first family home

you're teenagers?

@Sleeplikeasloth
Partner doesn’t like talking about his family that much I mean they just pop in our lives every so often, when there’s a birth or birthday or event, so he brushes off talk about them

@agnurse
He doesn’t think she’s safe
I just don’t think he’d go as far as a complete ban from her like I’m wanting to

okay i've changed my advice. just get social services involved. ask them for advice. they will be your best friends in this.

if you are both teen parents and she's well known to them and you are always extremely cooperative and open, they will probably be very keen for you to limit contact.

typically you don't want to get ss involved but i assume they've been involved anyway? so there's no downside. get them onside.

just to be clear: don't do anything now. just settle and limit contact down to what you feel comfortable with. then call ss and ask for advice. In a few years if it looks like contact is increasing, call in ss and formally get a contact ban. they will 100% be on your side.

you actually have less to worry about in this than people with more to lose.

@MamaBearXO

If he felt his mother's behaviour and/or her home were bad enough to go completely NC, he would have suggested it or done so already. It seems to me that he thinks his mother's actions around the baby can be 'managed' by him and that he can protect the baby from whatever dirt and dangers are in her home. In other words, when you have this 'talk' what you are going to hear from him is 'she's/it's not that bad' and 'don't you think I can protect our baby' and finally 'it's my baby too and I will do what I want'. And technically, he can. This is why my friend ended up moving 250 miles away. Because they couldn't actually stop their DP from taking their children to visit unsuitable relatives.

So discuss with your DP by all means. Start with absolute NC and go from there. But honestly I think the best you can expect from your DP would be an agreement that his mother not see the baby outside of your home, where you can be there to 'supervise'. Can you live with that?

@vuripadexo

Since a few people have mentioned moving I’ve made a comment to answer that

And although you are very observant and pretty on point to an extent I’m not scared of her doing anything to my baby because not only do I not want her near my baby with me and my partner there I would never leave my baby alone with her so she had no chance of doing anything to my child that’s why I’m not completely terrified and yes we are 19
I didn’t really want to state that because I’m prepared for a lot of judgement due to it

@agnurse
Thank you
And I’m glad your family is lovely and I’m assuming SFIL fits the role perfectly