Reasons why I don’t want MIL to see my baby, AIBU?

[MamaBearXO]

1. She talks about her sons, grandsons and daughters boyfriends penis but mainly her sons and not in a parenting sense
2. She’s allowed her grandson to run out the door numerous times and when he fell downstairs stayed in her bed playing phone games
3. She’s bragged about raping a man to her children’s partners and children
4. She did cocaine just last year
5. With every grandchild she brags about teaching them “nana” as a first word and how upset the parents were (its lies btw)
6. She stretched her granddaughters stomach by upping how much milk she had and the baby was crying in pain (mother of baby told me)
7. She’s allowed men to come in and control her kids and abuse them
8. She gave her children takeaway so they shut up while she has loud sex in the other room (random men she meets on a night out)
9. She’s on the dog ban list but has got a new dog

10. Many of her cats and kittens have gone missing no sign of remorse 11. House is coated in fleas 12. Frequent smoker and smokes in the house and car 13. Takes credit for a lot of things and creates rumours about people which include their parenting 14. Let’s all of her kids smoke drink and do drugs underage 15. The new illegal dog apparently nips 16. Lies 17. Made her children lie about being abused so they didn’t get taken off her properly and all of her kids have been on the child protection register 18. Shares secrets with other family members whenever her kids confide in her 19. Broken her daughters nose 20. Bullies her children 21. Flirts with her son 22. Has let grandchildren’s clothes get peed on by cats and still let them wear the clothes 23. All of her daughters have lost their virginity underage (she’s quite supportive) 24. I’ll make this the last one so I don’t go on anymore, she doesn’t ask how my baby is, she doesn’t ask to see my baby and she doesn’t even know how to spell my baby’s 4 letter name, she also doesn’t agree with her sons parenting

@vuripadexo
I don’t think he would put that much effort in to take baby to her but I don’t know if he’d stop her
So I need to have a talk with him
We didn’t make a mistake it’s just a very difficult situation he’d be put in
After putting up with this woman for years and suddenly I’m trying to put my foot down he’s gonna be a little shaken and uncomfortable with the situation

50% rights when he has our baby, what if she just invites herself over?

Ah NOW I understand! I'm so sorry.

You're worried if you split he will get some form of custody (probably true) and then you won't be able to protect her at all?!

Fuck that must be scary - you need to plan this very well, and need professional legal advice.

@Birdsgottafly
I would never put my baby in danger why do you think I’ve never let her babysit and why I’m trying to keep baby away from her when she’s been I mean yesterday I heard my partner coming up the stairs and I assumed he was going to ask to bring baby down and I quickly started breastfeeding so he wouldn’t ask, but I need to have a talk to him
To block all contact with baby and her

There is no way I would associate with someone like that let alone my children!

Honestly, she sounds like she should be on the Jeremy Kyle show.

I would definitely stay away she sounds repulsive

@HAMGina
From what you’ve wrote it’s clear you understand what I’m dealing with, this woman isn’t the kind you can brush off easily, it has to be forceful and stronger than whatever she can hit back with

@Birdsgottafly
I’d never let her get that close to my baby, I want her gone completely and that’s what I’m trying to deal with and sort out but as you know, I’m asking a victim to stand up to his abuser in doing this and I don’t see it being easy

@HAMGina
That’s exactly what I mean, this is a very intricate situation and could have severe backlash, I mean the oldest sister is very lovely and even advised me and partner to get a will and everything sorted because if we die apparently she’ll fight for custody of the baby even if we wanted my mum to get custody, so even that is a fear to which we need to sort out

@ree348
She probably could be, for many a reason

I’ve decided to speak to partner about this and if he doesn’t agree then I want to seek out legal action, something like a restraining order against her on behalf of baby, I really need some kind of legal advice I don’t know how to go about

Yes, I do know this situation and how serious it is and how complicated it is.

You know you need to make a break in the long term and that break needs to be very VERY well planned.

They won't let go. Your partner will not see reason, that would already have happened if he could.

In the short term you need to manage the situation on a daily basis and that requires a different strategy altogether which is what you are trying to figure out here and need help with.

To start the long term strategy - make a very covert call to Women's Aid and ask for their help.

In the short term, sadly I don't think your partner is ever gonna be on your team or see your POV - he's too enmeshed.

You need to make yourself as boring or invisible to them as possible.

Sounds weird but don't arouse suspicion, don't let on that anything's out of the ordinary or that you're uncomfortable with them, don't let them suspect that you're planning anything.

In this period you can't let your child out of your sight, even if it means extended BF - and I know how extreme that sounds!

But mainly get the professional help Women's Aid can give and very very good legal advice.

You should go to a lawyer and ask if there is legal steps you can take to protect your child.
I have a similar mil- to be (not as bad bless you) when do and I had a rocky patch I started the legal process to block her from the dc.
We got back together and dc are nc and he is lc with mil. so I do not know the process my lawyer was doing but she did have a few things she was lookng into.
But it may be worth the visit to see what options are open to you. Some do free first consultations.

Apologize if I've missed any salient points, I've 'skim-read'.

@MamaBearXO If you are contemplating separating and worried about the contact your MiL will have with baby whilst with DP, I suggest you see a solicitor. If half of what you say is true, you may have a case for being able to stipulate in an access agreement that she NOT be allowed around the baby. But only a solicitor can advise you.

If I've misinterpreted some of what you've said and you're just looking at ways to convince your DP, good luck with that. "There is none so blind as he who will not see". You can 'forbid' to your heart's content but you really have no power to enforce a 'ban' on her. I suppose theoretically you can make his life difficult, but if he's determined to let her in the door or take the baby to see her how exactly do you propose to stop him? Lock yourself & the baby in the bathroom? Throw yourself in front of the car? I'm not being sarcastic, just pointing out that it's not realistic to expect you'll be able to 'control' this situation.

Your best bet is to move as far away as you can so contact is as difficult as possible. Start by looking at employment in areas you're interested in. Maybe you could find a 'dream job' for your DP in a town far away. I know someone who found themselves a 'dream job' 250 miles away to get away from their iLs.

And God, don't trust the "very lovely oldest sister" she may present in a different way but that's the classic "Good cop/Bad cop strategy"

She may be "good cop" but she's still on their team and is clearly totally enmeshed and "one of them".

She's already planning on fighting you own Mum for custody of your baby if you both die!

That's not normal - she already sees the baby as part of the enmeshed family - that scary, not lovely!

Go non contact! As pp have already said you have to put your baby's needs and well being first!

If you do not want to split and you agree to some kind of contact between your baby and MIL that is strictly supervised by you then meet once a month in a neturel venue.
The advantage of this is that should MIL kick of there will be witnesses/cctv footage for when you call the police .

MIL has no rights to see her grandchild and you need to start being more forceful. Get new mobile s, block on social media, take keys back if she has them. If she turns up at your house do not answer the door. If she makes a nuisance of herself you call the police.

Personally I would go NC because I would not want MIL influencing my child. She sounds vile!

Now you understand why it doesn't matter whether someone is a "bad" person or not, it matters whether they will protect your children or not. You now are stuck. If you ever leave him, that woman will have access to your children.

And visitation you are building up strengthens her legal case for access if she ever takes you to court for it.

I suggest you move far away asap.

@HAMGina thank you I’m going to have to go over all of this and look through all the information I’ve received and advice
Thank you so much for understanding

@StressedToTheMaxx
Thank you and I hope everything goes well for you guys

Dont bother getting a restraining order. You're not going to win on this. Just leave and get as far away as you can.

@AcrossthePond55
Thank you and the situation is to speak to my partner about it but me and some repliers did touch on the subject of what would happen if me and my partner did split and how she could get around that
Moving is a very difficult situation and would need to be thought about quite a bit before any action would be taken (on the moving side of things)

@HAMGina
I know to be careful with big sister but she’s the nicest one and has cut her family off a lot and had breaks but you know she’s always went back, she just doesn’t follow all their BS anymore like when they’ve told her rumours and stuff about me and my partner she tells them she doesn’t care and doesn’t want to know and has advised me and partner to not tell them any secrets or information (I already knew but partner just wanted to talk to his mum like any person should be able to)
And no the mum hasn’t already planned what would happen if we die (maybe) but partners oldest sister has advised us to sort out a plan if we die because she knows what her mum is like

@bugaboo218
That sounds like a very good thorough plan, but I know it couldn’t possibly go down like that she doesn’t make plans to see baby anyway she just shows up whenever there’s a reason and wants to see baby then so if a situation like that occurred I don’t know what would happen if she’d even want to bother, or in rebellion do something else, me and baby could go NC but it’s down to my partner what he’d be like because that is a very difficult situation to put him in, a long talk is indeed needed

Clearly my comprehension skills are at the cleaners today!

But I am glad you know to be careful - you need to make sure there are no weak links in the chain.

Apologies also for my comments on prioritising your partner over your child - it's clear that protecting your child is all you want to do.

Take care

@vuripadexo
I can honestly say I don’t know what would happen if we’d split but I don’t think he’d go to the extent I would of banning her from seeing baby
Thank you for responding btw
Moving is a difficult thing at the moment and wouldn’t be very easy at all :(

@HAMGina
Thank you and I understand you see what I mean now so no problem
I would protect my baby with all of my heart and soul no question about it I just don’t want to completely forget baby’s dad in doing so, I will start working on things now and thank you for all of your advice, it’s been very helpful