To ask if you regretted Wedding spend?

[FeelingFlat]

I'm getting married this year (date quite set can't do another time or year)

I'm completely stuck on type of wedding.

I have two options-

Small immediate family, lunch after that may or may not spread into drinks into the evening.

Big white traditional wedding with most extended family and friends invited at a cost of approx £20k (more likely to tip over than under 20k)

Whilst we can afford the big wedding it would literally leave us on zero savings.

Heart says big wedding, head says small.

Has anyone ever had regrets after a small or big wedding?! Wished you had done the opposite afterwards?

To not drip feed and to make this easier please understand that there's no inbetween wedding or budget we would be happy with despite looking at many options.

Help me decide

cat

I don’t think you should feel guilty for the help at all, you’re everybody muck in style wedding sounds lovely. You’ve already said you’re more than happy to return the favour so that’s great.

My issue isn’t with that, it’s more when people just assume you’ll do something for free just because that’s your job and it’s their wedding.

I can’t count the number of times if I’ve been asked to do my job for free by people I barely know. I have a sneaky suspicion it’s why I’m invited to so many weddings too.

Not sure how far east you're looking FeelingFlat but these sort of venues are good and allow you to make your own sort of wedding
www.onefriendlyplace.com/events/

I LOVED my wedding, was by far the best wedding I've been to and I've been to more expensive and much cheaper ones too

Lots of people tend to think that about their own wedding funnily enough

I also think there is a fair number of people who hand on heart didn't enjoy their own wedding.

Too busy, too stressful, not enough time to catch up.
During a formal wedding the B&G only really talk to the wedding party until after the meal. Your day is filled with getting ready, the service, photographer, the meal, speeches, first dance. So probably 8pm before you get to mingle.

If you have 120 people and spend a minute with each of them thats 2 hours. Ok you won't spend a minute with each guest, you'd talk to groups of people. But thats more of your day and time gone.

Sit with your partner and discuss the pros and cons of what you both want.

Big wedding, approx 22k, 160 guests & it was amazing. I would not have changed a thing & would do it all again...we did have family contributions of approx 10k which was specifically for the wedding. 22k included the honeymoon but not spending money.

If we'd already had children I would not have had such a large/expensive wedding as I think my priorities would be very different. But pre kids it was wonderful, we still reminisce about the day, it was so magical to be in a room with everyone we loved & it was completely worth it for us!

I will say that we spent money on things that were important to us, ran the day how we wanted & were not a slave to wedding traditions etc. Go with your heart 💓

My friend got married in a registry office on a Friday afternoon with 15 or so family and then had a party on the Saturday night - in her wedding dress and a small buffet - the size you would serve at a birthday party - for 120 people.

Best of both worlds. It was great.

@BigFatBloomers thanks so much!!

Our wedding was close to your small choice. 34 years later, no regrets about it.

Admittedly we're not in London and it's a cheaper, more rural part of the country but we spent about £8000, which these days I'd inflate to about £12,000.

It was a full works white wedding for 100. We have large families, and a good core of friends. Some other friends have drifted off over the past decade as families have interfered with social lives, but the wedding photos are a snapshot of who was in our lives at the time and I have no regrets.

Most family and friends had to travel. There was no central hub other than where we live anyway, so a hotel was most practical for guests (camping locally avaliable and accepted by some uni mates!) and saving costs by DIYing the reception wasn't practical.

The money was saved by going for smaller suppliers such as market traders. The cake was baked and given plain icing... we saved £200 by doing the trimmings... even more compared to more glitzy wedding specialists. Things like stationery and jewellery were DIY, I had the benefit of a long engagement and school holidays. DH had a collegue's band and we paid a bit extra to keep the sound equipment longer and DIY discoed off a laptop (we felt confident about the range of musical tastes and the dance floor was busy all night)

It was a fantastic weekend surrounded by people we love which is a rare thing.

We spent what we could comfortably afford and got good prices on what we wanted. Put extra into making sure people were well catered. Absolutely no regrets. We then buggered off on an amazing and unusual honeymoon which brought our budget up to the average of the time... but that was good value per night.

I always said prior to getting married that I would NEVER spend that sort of money (ie £20k) on one day. I then spent about £24/5k! I think - I stopped counting toward the end.

We had 100 people and got married in a field with tipis and a humanist ceremony, and fantastic food (infinity foods from Brighton catered). It was amazing! Loved it! And lots of the guests said it was the best wedding they had ever been to!

It's the only time you'll ever do it so go for what you want I say. Your wedding will be amazing whatever you do (small or big!) as long as you have the day you really want.

We went big. Approx 25k, Was an amazing day. Regret nothing. We had the perfect venue, prime wedding season (summer Saturday) exclusive hire, fireworks, the lot. It was fabulous. Yes that money could have done so much more, but it’s given us memories with our family and friends as couldn’t replace

I would definitely hire my dress, it's still hanging in my mum's wardrobe 30 years later.

I think the people who've regretted their weddings, big or small, are the people who didn't have the day they really wanted.

You said Just such a shame it's coming out at that much money as I feel like I'm grieving the event I thought I'd have.

You want the big day, you can afford the big day. You want a particular church and group of people.

You just don't want to spend that much money on one day. But it's one day you can't do again, whereas you can save that money again.

Follow your heart. Don't have a compromise day if you can afford what you and you DP really want.

Does the church have a church hall that you could decorate?

I originally wanted a small wedding overseas with just myself, DH and close family/friends so max 20 people but we ended up having a 15k wedding. Partially because we didn't want to miss out on the big wedding and partly because it's what other people wanted us to do.

Would go with the original idea if I was to do it again but hoping to renew our vows at 10 or 20 years and do the small overseas ceremony then. The big day was lovely but becomes more about the guests than about the two of you IMO. Go for the smaller option rather than spending your savings.

@ordinarysnowflake you hit the nail on the head there, we had the money, it wasn’t a stretch for us but it became the day I didn’t want because I tried to please other people. I’m not one to normally not say what I want, but somehow with this it got out of control in my need to please other people, it was strange of me!
Obviously I have lovely memories of the day, but I ended up paying for 6 brides maids (I didn’t want any) which was a large amount of money, and other things like that because people got upset at my plans.

Whatever you choose. Stick to your guns

I think the answer lies in a question. Do you want a marriage or a wedding? The two are very different.

When I got married there wasn't a wedding industry. The day we had: church where I went to brownies, tent at grannie's, good friends who came from London on a red bus, good food, free booze while the band played and the most perfect summer's day. Except for the food and drunks not one bit of that could be purchased or staged.

The frock, cake, flowers were all incidental.

I loved it and a dear friend of mine who us now 70 says whenever she introduces us "this is x and x they had the most wonderful wedding I've ever been to"

It was 28 years ago. We thought first about our guests, then about the service carefully choosing the hymns and music and readings so they were v special and the vicar let us change the order of the vows: from the avoidance of sin, the procreation of children and mutual comfort to mutual comfort, the procreation of children and the avoidance of sin because that's how they mattered most to us.

It was such a happy day and I think it's so sad it has turned for so many into a commercial extravaganza rather than the professing of love and life long spiritual and legal contract that it is.

Nobody will remember your shoes or nails or even the cake. They will remember a happy stress free day where they wer a well looked after guest.

We did have a compromise - church wedding but cheap dress (technically a bridesmaid dress but very simple and plain veil). Got a few freebies/at cost eg customer of my father offered to drive me in his brand new jag, friend of mums made the cake for just the cost, one bridesmaid (dh's little sister) and mil bought her dress. My brother and his friend were the dj's and equipment was my dad's and my uncles.

Venue for reception was my parents garden and dad borrowed a marquee. We rented tables and chairs, used good quality disposable plates and cutlery, borrowed glasses from Sainsbury's. Wine from Sainsbury's and food (buffet) from either macro or local suppliers eg bread was delivered by the baker where mum once worked as a Saturday girl(!) whole salmons poached arranged by fishmonger on lovely silver platters we returned later, mixed shellfish platters ditto. Myself and three friends chopped salad etc prior to getting ready.

Ultimately weddings are about what matters to you but there's a happy medium, it's not 200 or 20, especially if you don't have the money for the larger but will be unhappy with a tiny wedding. Even with a big 200 person wedding you can halve the bill by choosing your venue carefully and keeping budgets under control.

I would have a good think about what really matters looking back when you are my age - trust me it's not your wedding day (except a few moments) it's 20 years of wonderful memories- many would have been impossible if we had been laden with debt at the beginning.

Is there not a venue you can hire without catering - look at those who advertise for Asian weddings as families like to bring in their own food and drink. You can then shop around for your own catering and buy your own drinks. Our church hall (not London) seats 120 with a second hall for a bar, break out area - had loads of weddings with a dj or live music and we charge about £350-500 for the whole day, many use Waitrose catering for food!

We spent about 4K all in ( wore white summer dresses, best women wore what they wanted), made sure there was plenty of food - fed everyone twice buffet style, had 80 people at everything all day, plenty of booze, evening do. Best money we ever spent!

My wedding cost £1000, it was the best day of my life, I was in love and only my intimate friends were there in a tiny church hall in the middle of nowhere.
We had Morris dancers (friends) folk dancing and pagan ministers.
Everything about it was wonderful, there was a big open fire and I made and cooked everything.
Even though I'm now divorced I look back on this day as one of the best in my life. All the elements of a wonderful fun time were there.
A week later we did the legal bit with two witnesses in ordinary clothes with no fuss.

@OhTheRoses your day sounds wonderful! I want a marriage and a wedding. A marriage for life and a wedding for a wonderful day of memories. And I don't think I'm looking for something too different from your day - free food, drink and a band would be extortionate now!

I loved our wedding. Small, only 19 of us for an afternoon lunch reception. We booked out a rooftop garden restaurant in Central London and it was fantastic. Arrived there at 1 for drinks and canapés, lunch then we had the space until 6pm. We then went on to stay overnight at a hotel nearby before flying out on honeymoon the next day.

I think it’s worth being honest with yourself about how good you are at organising things and how much you enjoy crafty things.

I have zero practical artistic flare and hate faffing so I hired a woman to dress the venue and co ordinate on the day. She was worth every penny as it meant I got the benefits of a diy wedding but still got to enjoy my day, I didn’t have to dress the marquee or tidy up after.

If you’re going to cut corners don’t just think about the money.

We had a big wedding and I wish we'd kept it small.
The ceremony part I'd have kept the same (we married in church), but I wish we'd spent less on a huge venue and catering for the sit down meal for so many people.
I wish we'd had a small meal for close friends and family and then a huge party somewhere cheap in the evening.
We skimped on photography and really wish we hadn't!

My Dad's wife, and her rude and obnoxious son also marred my day for various reasons.

I wish I could have had two weddings one for all the people we had to invite and one for the people we actually wanted.

It's our ten year anniversary this year and we're going to have a handfasting ceremony, in a special place, with a photographer and people invited who have made a real difference to our lives since we've been married.
I want to do this because the memory of our wedding is marred by the knowledge that it was so much about negotiating the ramifications of my parent's divorce and not about me and DH at all.