To ask if you regretted Wedding spend?

[FeelingFlat]

I'm getting married this year (date quite set can't do another time or year)

I'm completely stuck on type of wedding.

I have two options-

Small immediate family, lunch after that may or may not spread into drinks into the evening.

Big white traditional wedding with most extended family and friends invited at a cost of approx £20k (more likely to tip over than under 20k)

Whilst we can afford the big wedding it would literally leave us on zero savings.

Heart says big wedding, head says small.

Has anyone ever had regrets after a small or big wedding?! Wished you had done the opposite afterwards?

To not drip feed and to make this easier please understand that there's no inbetween wedding or budget we would be happy with despite looking at many options.

Help me decide

I see it as a bit like Christmas: most people overspend (myself included), but a month later it would have made no difference to the children if a bit less had been spent. Same with weddings, except the money involved is far greater and the debt burden further reaching. No offence, but no-one really cares about your wedding except you (and maybe very immediate family).

We might get married one day but it will be a small thing. We don't have much money at all and I'd never expect my/his parents to contribute so much for something that lasts under 24 hours (plus we've got 3 kids and aren't young so that would be weird 😀).

DSD's wedding in London in the summer was about 50 guests - and cost about £8K and there wasn't a free bar! London is really expensive for weddings. We looked at all sorts of venues. The parents paid for most of it. And it wasn't super fancy.

So I can well believe that it could cost you £20K.

I'd say cut costs on stuff like the dress, photographer, cake, flowers, swagged chairs and concentrate on good food, wine and a band/good DJ.

45 guests at our wedding and we loved it. Meant we could talk to everyone and all our guests could stay locally. Several new friendships were created too.

My answers in bold:

So I'm thinking
Church: £200 Registrar came to venue £500
Flowers: £300 Sister made them out of origami, greenery from own garden £50
Vicar: £100 NA
Dress: £800 £200 for a day and evening outfit
Suits & others to dress: £3000 Christ no. £350 for 4 men, £70 budget per bridesmaid - one smashed it and got her dress and shoes for £18.
Band: £500 Spotify playlist... but £350 on other entertainment.
Photographer: £500 About £100 in thank you gifts to talented friends who did it for free
Booze: £1000 £1800 on free bar, including serving staff
Pre-meal snacks: £1k £150 - M&S buffet food served by staff
Hotel for OP afterwards: £500 Included in venue.
Favours & shoes & whatever: £1k Favours free. Shoes inc. in the dress price above. £200ish on odds and sods of decoration. £100 on invites. £100 on thank yous. £250 on creche for children.
Vehicle hire: £1k Yes, £1k, though we paid for 18 people to stay at a cost of another £1k.
Reception Venue with buffet meal??? Same as wedding venue. Hog roast on Friday £500, evening buffet £150 (Tesco this time), 3 course dinner £2.5k.

Numbers were 65 day, 100 total.

Do both. Small, simple ceremony late afternoon with the 35 (or fewer).

Big evening party for people to celebrate with you.

Cut through the ridiculous wedding expense and concentrate just on the bits you want - a ceremony and a party.

Our wedding cost £1500 this included dress, suits, accessories, rings, favours, cake, decorations, ceremony, 2 course meal, reception, DJ and photographer. We considered drinks for toasting but I knew most people wouldnt appreciate it due to not drinking, being pregnant or not liking wine.

We had 40 people at our wedding which was our extended family and friends plus partners.

It was planned in 6 weeks. We just went to a city centre pub we knew did good food and booked the tables using their pre-theater menu so £14 a head.

We had an amazing day and everyone I have spoke too have said it's the best wedding they have been too because they were so relaxed, food wasn't catered and suited their tastes plus it was fun.

I wouldn't change a thing. (Apart from invite my forgotten uncle and aunt..I haven't seen them in 20 years but I missed them being there)

Thinking on that last point having people I loved there was the best thing about the day and having the memories and photographs of them means the world.

We got married in Italy, so went small (12 in total) and it was a lovely wedding.

We saved for 18 months in advance and spent £12k, but that included 10 days in Italy including flights and decent accommodation.

We've been married 10 years this year, and I'm so glad I didn't commit to the big wedding and it's cost. We would have been wiped out. I remember getting brochures for a number of 'venues' and the prices were ridiculous. I grieved for a very short time, then got over it!

I really think it's not all/nothing and you need to focus on what's important. If you want it based around this East London church, that sounds like this is the most important part and you need to 'cut your cloth' to fit everything else around it.

Personally, I'd be looking at inviting a few more people than only family, to include both your dearest friends. Avoiding a sit down meal and wine has got to be a massive saver (no table decorations/chair covers/favours etc). Could you get married later in the day, and then have a drinks and buffet? Provide a couple of drinks on arrival, then people can pay their own way.

Look at who can make a cake for you, can anyone help with flowers? My son's recent birthday cost £25 from a reputable cake company, a wedding cake doesn't have to cost £1000!

All the bridesmaid stuff really added up - so I'd seriously consider not having them so you don't have to fund extra outfits, shoes, bags, jewellery, hairpieces etc.

Try to break everything down and see how you can cut costs without the quality. Try and approach every supplier ready to negotiate, not mentioning the word 'wedding' will help too!

We had a tiny wedding. 10 in total, dinner the night before at a hotel and a late lunch and wedding cake after ceremony in same hotel then left for a long weekend "honeymoon" that evening (only Edinburgh nowhere exotic as I was 6 months pg) No regrets the meals were fab and I don't like lots of people

Yes I hugely regret it. We were embarrassing in the excess of it. Now with several kids and no savings I think about how stupid and frivolous we were. It's not about the wedding. But no one could have told me that at the time.

Seriously follow your head. Spend money on the honeymoon rather than an eye wateringly expensive party and dress. All of the problems that have followed in our relationship have been borne out of our attitude to money and I think it's good to start married life in a responsible way that isn't going to ruin you if something goes wrong badly. My husband was made redundant on the eve of our wedding from a well paid job, So it wasn't a great return considering how much we'd burnt through in less than two weeks.

No one cares that much about your wedding. I mean, those that have big weddings- I’m sure friends and family enjoyed them. But if you’d had a quiet one- they’d likely not really have cared. I know I tend to be stressed by wedding invites rather than excited.
The PP who described a huge US holiday getting married there for $200- that sounds amazing and will have created so many memories.
Things can and will go wrong on your £20K day... my dress fell down loads as the shop hadn’t gotten the correct size, I couldn’t breathe for the speeches and had to alter the dress with the help of my talented friends at the reception. One relative had an emotional breakdown most of the day and another threw a tantrum and stormed around alternating crying and shouting. That’s life.
I don’t regret my wedding (well
The second one anyway!) but it can’t be a perfect day so don’t bank everything on it.

I do and I don't.
We didn't spend a great deal anyway.
Kept things pretty cheap.

But I'd do it very differently if I had my time again.
I'd get married in a registry office with close family only.
Go out for a lovely late lunch.
Then head to the pub for a party with everybody invited.
I did this recently for my DD birthday.
Local to me, the pub won't charge you as they will be making money.
I got the band at £350 (we know them) and told the pub to spend £250 on buffet and just keep it coming for as long it lasts.
Job done!
And everyone can have fun.
No formal dinner (wedding breakfast) and all that crap.
Chilled and relaxed, and hardly any planning required.

Had a big wedding. Lots of niggles before making me think I should’ve had a small, intimate one.
Hated the whole day, completely wasted 16k approx, if I could go back and have a small one like you first described I would do it in a heartbeat. It was 2.5 years ago and it still bothers me now - main issues:
A) invited people we aren’t friends with now.
B) DJ was awful.
C) people completely took advantage of free bar.
D) couple of huge let downs.
E) food was cold.
F) BIL was vile to other guests. Have never spoken to him since.
G) many more things to list but depressing me!!

We spent £8k (£4K from family, £4K ourselves) and it was fab. We had 60 for a sit down meal and 100 in the evening. We cut some costs by marrying at a (perfectly nice) registry office, being driven by family, found a venue that had a reasonable per head cost (it was a function menu rather than a wedding package), got flowers from a lady who did them at home rather than having a shop so was cheaper, and not having a photographer. We all had a great time! But it was just one day and I’d have regretted spending any more personally.

Smallish church wedding at midday, big evening party. Wedding cake at party. Saved having to pay for food for everyone.

The cost is shocking. It rather lends weight to the hypocrisy of the babyboomers having it all. Expectations were nothing like they are today. If it is hard to get a house deposit together wouldnt this be a better investment that a 20 grand party

Smallish church wedding at midday, big evening party. Wedding cake at party. Saved having to pay for food for everyone.

So what did your guests do inbetween?? Especially the ones who don’t live nearby???

Less than 3k, 40 ppl, all afternoon and till late night Everything fit into that budget. Canapes, alcohol/soft drinks, food, clothes and entertainment.

We called in any favour we possibly could have eg. friend providing bit of entertainment, discounted food... Just really ANY favour.
It was the best. Friendly, relaxed, and as so many people pitched in and so were part of it, it became really kind of a "friendly bash" rather than "official affair" .

Absolutely loved it and even heard someone mention it few years later We have so fond memories of it because it was minimum stress.

I wish I’d gone small but my DH insisted on a big wedding only with all his cousins, work colleagues, etc. It was lovely but put us under incredible financial pressure and it was not a good way to start our marriage. I still think small is the best way to go.

@Confusedbeetle I already have a house, I have no debt and a baby.

I had a big wedding, loved every minute. Now I have children I can't believe we spent all that on a party. I wouldn't say I regret it but priorities are very different now.

I’m only regretting the utter twits so called friends or family that got invited because you feel you have to.
Cull the guest list ruthlessly and pocket the money, a wedding day is a day, big debts last much longer and cost more in the end

I don’t regret ours - I think it was around £15k for around 100 guests.

I completely disagree with those who say not to bother about a photographer. My mum and BIL both died not long after our wedding and I really treasure the lovely pictures we have of them that day. We have several of the pictures up in our house so I see them all the time.
A colleague of mine got married a couple of months after me and had a friend of her husband do the pictures. He made a complete mess of them and hardly took any of the bride’s family. She was gutted and really regretted not getting a professional

If you have a house and a baby but say that the big wedding would leave you ‘zero savings’ then I really suggest you don’t spend all that money on one day. Surely you need some savings? What would happen if the boiler broke, you or your DP lost your job etc etc?

To me spending so much money on one day is obscene, will you really treasure the memories for the rest of your life. Have a good read of the ‘worst weddings’ thread.

@ragwort yes that thread is interesting isn't it!!