AIBU to struggle without a maid

[WobbleBottomBum]

NC because I know I will be flamed but am genuinely seeking advice.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

I've been in England for years. My DC is 13.
I have struggled with depression, hoarding and anorexia all my adult life.

I go home for visits but my husband's job does not really exist there, and DC is settled so we are unlikely to go there to live.

When we see friends there they don't realise how lucky they are. They can go out when they want, there is always childcare. A quick overnight trip away is no big deal.

Wake up in the morning and breakfast is cooked, come home from work and dinner is made. Clothes are ironed and put away. DC room tidy, floors are hoovered, bathroom cleaned. Children's tutors are cheap.

Our joint household income is about £40k. We could never afford that in England.
DH has to leave the house at 7 and is back around 7 . I leave at 8 back at 6. We are exhausted, the house is a mess, we just have a ready meal. We don't really have friends and the house is too messy for anyone to come.

In an ideal world I would have someone in for one hour each morning and one hour each evening, but no-one would work those shifts and I couldn't afford that anyway.

I struggle and don't know what to do.

For me it helps to make sure I keep up with the washing all week. Every day when I come in I put a wash in.

If shopping is a problem - maybe in the interim you could order online - it would save you having to do a big shop each week.

I know you don't think you could manage batch cooking but making spaghetti bolognaise is easy and just make loads of it.

Do you have to iron everything? I do my best to avoid ironing unless absolutely necessary and you don't have to be dusting all the time either.

Not everyone has a maid in SA! Talk about generalising. I didn’t RTFT which I usually make sure I do. But wow!

LOL, Welcome to the real world love!
In SA you have maids, here in UK you pay cleaners to do your dirty work affordable with a joint income of £40k. If the UK lifestyle not good enough for you then get a one way ticket back to SA.

It does sound more like mh issues though Op.

You & your husband have been in UK as adults for years-enough time to have got some system organised.

I think maybe you should try and seek help for the hoarding because you can't expect home help to know what you'd want touching or not. Maybe once your house is less cluttered you might start to feel better about things and can get your mind clearer to do things like batch cook at the weekends etc.
I hope you find some support

When I read this I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Although I understand your circumstances, the life of a maid in South Africa is not a pleasant one and not something we in the Uk should perpetuate or underestimate.

Hire someone for a few hours twice a week, I done it before I got my current job. Cleaned for a disabled lady. Had to leave though she was driving me absolutely insane, and found out she had 38 previous employers. Lol don’t be like that woman

Apply online for a student or someone looking for make extra cash or cash in hand- but make sure they have up to date pvg can’t have anyone come in

My oh grew up in SA
I think his mum found similar when they moved back here, I don’t think she worked full time though so I suppose it was a bit easier

Can’t really offer you any advice other than perhaps find a group of ex SA residents over here? Or see if you can hire a cleaner for a bit to get you back up and running and feeling better about the house etc

My exh is South African and grew up with maids. He also grew up with the constant fear of carjackings and it happened to him twice as a child, had a gun held to his head more than once.

I can gladly live without a maid if it also means my DC won’t be held at gun point.

I live in Cape Town SA. Never felt nervous, walk around at night. Lived in Joburg for years not a thing. Live in London for ten years - burgled 4 times, held up when locking my company I had to give them money from the safe, witnessed a murder in Newbury which I had to attend Reading High Court. My friends boyfriend was shot outside Chicken Cottage as they thought he was a gang member. I was also almost in the tube terrorist attack. I love SA and I find it friendly and full of fun and beauty.

This thread certainly has it all.

The few who actually see past the thread title and realise that OP is struggling with MH issues and the maid is a red herring (and the title frankly).

The bulk who are too stupid to read the thread and jump straight in with their cuntish and scathing attacks on the OP and how she needs to get into the real world.

And the others who have gone off on a tangent about racism and how everyone who has a black maid is mistreating them and perpetuating the racism. You couldn't make this up really.

As you were.

I don't know anyone who's constantly fearful either nor do I know any unhappy cleaners or people who treat cleaners badly. I'm not being narrow minded but I just don't. In the 38 years living here, minus ten years in UK, I've honestly never witnessed a crime or seen cruelty and I've been to a lot of dodgy places, I've never once felt unsafe.

@Strokethefurrywall 😂😂😂 you made me laugh so much! Everything you said is true. This thread is like a soap opera should go into classics for the most randomizes responses.

those arent bad hours the pay seems shit for it though

my dh leaves at 5 and doesnt get in till 7-30 now thats a long day

I'm sorry but I find it difficult to feel sympathy. At 13 your child is old enough to be responsible for tidying their room, and possibly putting some washing in. At 13 I used to get tea ready for my mum when I got home from school and hoover before everyone else got in. Currently there are four of us in our house and we live on a lot less than 40k. If you really feel that you can't manage why not employ a cleaner for a couple of hours a week and spend a couple of hours at a weekend batch cooking. Realistically though YABU

Bloody hell. Sorry haven't read the thread and am sure many many posters are pointing out the startling arrogance but there isn't an ounce of acknowledgement there that your lovely life was built on an abhorrent racist culture and that your poor maid didn't sort out your crap because she felt sorry for you all but because due to race and circumstances of birth, life didn't hand out an awful lot of choices.

Gosh - a maid - wonderful! Actually, what I'd really like is a handyman. Various things have gone wrong in the house this week and I've almost given up, rung the bank and said, "Here, take the house!" and gone to live in a Travelodge.

Anyway, knowing South Africans, I sort of understand that if you move somewhere where labour is relatively extremely expensive, it must be "hard". A SA friend of mine bemoans the lack of "tea ladies" here in offices. I said these existed up to the 70s, but I'm not sure that there are any left at all.

I must admit it always intrigues me in old books (pre- WWII) where a family are bemoaning their poverty, yet still have a maid (or three). Even people in modest professions (eg civil servant) have a live-in maid/cook. Unfathomable today!

'Stupid' and 'Cuntish' back at ya strokethefurrywall LOL Enjoy the pity party!

Surly the 13 yo can help. My daughter loaded the dishwasher and fed the cats as chores after school every day. Earning a little pocket money from 9 yo. Can your husband help too? Me and my husband cook in the evening meal together, it’s nice. Plus he’s better at ironing than me. With 3 of you in the house surly you can share the chores it’s 2019 not 1950

For Christ sake. How many times do you pious twats have to keep piling in to go on about having no sympathy with the op having had maids in RSA? It has been said, and acknowledged by the op. Give it a bloody rest you virtue bores. I suspect some of you just roam the boards and give a squawk of glee when you can swoop in and lecture people on their moral failings.

The lack of a maid isn't the issue IMO, it's your mental health - get help for the low mood and hoarding first, once that is sorted the rest will be easier.

What jobs are you both doing to make you stay in a country that you don't enjoy? 40k between you seems to be very low to move from a country you yearn for.

@paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking

What about cleaners especially East European in the UK or is that fine as they're white, minimum wage doesn't exactly provide a comfortable lifestyle? Remember the cleaners who rebelled against Top Shop due to their bad treatment.

I must also point out that it was infact the BRITISH who came to South Africa initially and started a terrible war, killing thousands of SA civilians mainly blacks mercilessly and relentlessly and then settled here followed shortly by the Dutch.

It was also the BRITISH and Dutch who started the slave and domestic trade in Africa!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SecondBoerr_War

I don’t know what getting a maid is like in RSA but I’m Nigerian. I grew up with maids. My mum lives alone and has two maids at the moment. One lives in with her and another comes in daily. It’s bliss when I go home with my kids
Basically help is cheaper and more readily obtainable than in the U.K. is all the OP is trying to say (I hope)
Obviously some people exploit it in Africa by overworking/ underpaying their maids just like Ive has au pairs in the U.K. give me horror stories they’ve had with English families but that’s not really the OP’s point.

Also OP, would you be able to take some time off work for yourself? You sound exhausted. Can you speak to your GP and get some help and time off to get your health issues sorted

Have you sort benefit advice or social services support?
You may be entitled to disability benefits or an allowance which could pay for support.
As someone with fibromyalgia with a partner in a wheelchair and a 9 year old daughter to care for I can empathise with feeling overwhelmed with all the demands of daily family life.
I’m having to defer uni for a year until our home can be modified fully and my OH gets a wheelchair that allows him more independence