AIBU to struggle without a maid

[WobbleBottomBum]

NC because I know I will be flamed but am genuinely seeking advice.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

I've been in England for years. My DC is 13.
I have struggled with depression, hoarding and anorexia all my adult life.

I go home for visits but my husband's job does not really exist there, and DC is settled so we are unlikely to go there to live.

When we see friends there they don't realise how lucky they are. They can go out when they want, there is always childcare. A quick overnight trip away is no big deal.

Wake up in the morning and breakfast is cooked, come home from work and dinner is made. Clothes are ironed and put away. DC room tidy, floors are hoovered, bathroom cleaned. Children's tutors are cheap.

Our joint household income is about £40k. We could never afford that in England.
DH has to leave the house at 7 and is back around 7 . I leave at 8 back at 6. We are exhausted, the house is a mess, we just have a ready meal. We don't really have friends and the house is too messy for anyone to come.

In an ideal world I would have someone in for one hour each morning and one hour each evening, but no-one would work those shifts and I couldn't afford that anyway.

I struggle and don't know what to do.

That they can bring back friends to...

@speakout As I mentioned earlier, Black people are the majority of the ones who are looking for domestic work, must we not hire them because they're black? Shall I tell them, sorry I can't give you a JOB because someone in the UK thinks it's racist so your family needs to starve, they'd be devastated.

The assumption that mostly only white people have domestic workers is no longer true. I know a lot of black people who have domestics including my cleaner!!

South Africa has been working towards an employment equity plan for a good few years now. This is a big reason why a lot of white males move to the UK etc.

Regarding employment rules, the hiring policy is:
Employment of black females first
Black males
White females
White men

This is to give previously disadvantaged people priority now. White men are last on the list for promotions and hiring.

Alot of black people are now much richer than white people due to this policy and they have a huge advantage to progressing with their life.

Alot of black people are now much richer than white people due to this policy and they have a huge advantage to progressing with their life.

Not compared to white people; they only have an advantage compared to the massive disadvantage - especially educational - they've had in previous years.

As I've said, I've employed a housekeeper and I'd probably do so again but there are many things I'd want to do that are not standard (where I've worked, and I know a bit about the situation in S. Africa too).
My housekeeper wanted to learn secretarial skills and she used the office I was running to practice and started doing bits and pieces in there, and then after she left me she went on to do a full course.
I've had friends with totally untrained nannies but also those who get some training for them. So either job-relevant or their own choice of training (and this is how the au pair system works in the UK).
Not employing people who are going to have to leave their own family behind (friends have often had the housekeeper's children living with them too where it's a live-in situation, paid their school fees etc.)
Decent employment conditions e.g. time off (in the UK nobody would expect an au pair or live in housekeeper to work any evening at short notice).

Of course middle class black South Africans also have domestic labour. But it is senseless to pretend that huge racial inequalities don’t remain in SA, despite affirmative action, & the reason almost all domestic workers are black (I have never met a white domestic worker), is not simply because they are the ones who apply for the jobs.

Before foreigners dare making judgements about another country they know nothing about, the brits on here should take a long hard look at themselves and have a look at the city of London at evening rush hour for example: check the colour of the majority of people leaving - office worker- and the colour of the people arriving - cleaning staff, then come back and make judgements about other countries.

The brits are so hypocritical, it's unreal. They pretend they don't like something in their own country but do nothing about it, but have grand ideas about the way others should manage their internal affairs.

During my ten year experience living in the UK, I found that class and what you did as a job determined how you are treated by society.

I remember a couple of interesting experiences I had when I worked in management at a soft play Centre in London. I lived in the UK for ten years.

It was a busy day and I helped the cafe team as they were swamped. I started serving people coffee and work on the till.

1. A lady came to order her coffee, she was very snooty to me and I could see how she looked down on me from her manner, the way she spoke etc. I gave her the coffee and she walked away. About an hour later, one of the receptionists called me to deal with a complaint, it was from the same woman! She looked at me and immediately changed her tune apologizing for earlier, she hadn't realized I was the manager etc!

1. I was told to go back to my country numerous times even though my dad is born in the UK, I have a British passport and my grandfather lived there is whole life and fought in the war in the RAF and my ancestors have lordship titles in the UK. But because of my accent - English South African, I shouldn't be there.

1. My hours and stress for a low wage was so high, I had a very bad breakdown resulted in catastrophic problems.

1. I was looked down upon regularly by working in a retail industry.

1. I had human poo thrown at me, mugged at knife point - Wimbledon, burgled 4 times and was nearly bottled in the midlands. Witnessed a murder - Newbury and various drug deals as well as vandalism. There were places I lived which had no black people there at all. I experienced actual racial comments when I worked at a bar in Surrey.

1. When I lost everything due to my breakdown, I was treated exceptionally badly and realized how unfairly struggling people were treated, it really opened my eyes.

1. A lot of shots of the UK they show in SA are of posh flats, good areas, places I know that if the camera turned around, you'd see the dilapidated council flats and examples of British poverty, England likes to show what they want people globally to see.

1. Many more experiences to add.

So everyone can pretend that the UK opens their arms to everyone, accepts people of all colours etc, only once you have experience working in retail, struggle with money or have a foreign accent do you really see the true side of what a lot of people in the UK really think of you.

I dunno about ADD but deffo agree that a maid isn't the solution.

As young adult I could tick many or maybe all of of OP's boxes (big differences are I'm not African & my house isn't afflicted by hoarding). Yet I still don't hanker after my own housekeeper.

I wonder if your standards are totally unreasonable. You're holding down a job & everyone in your household is safe & reasonably well. A lot of people can't even achieve those things.

When I used to get down & overwhelmed, something that helped was to make a list of things that might help any of my problems & choose one or 2 that were the easiest ones that I really could do (but was struggling to do). Just focus on doing them & then whenever I had energy, make a new list & try to find a next 1-2 items to try to get myself to do. Takes time. The more things I managed to get done (however small, sometimes a simple 3 minute phone call felt nearly impossible), the more confidence I had to tackle the more difficult things on the list, and the random minor problems that happen every day.

Racism is still a huge problem in SA.

At top management level, 68.5% of positions are occupied by white South Africans, 14.4% by black South Africans

70% of the population is black.

Please read while article when it specifies that figure is for private companies, whilst government companies majority in senior management positions are black.

These companies only hire black people, they aren't allowed to employ any white people:
Woolworths
DSTV
Telkom

A further updated article on the current situation of employment:

www.timeslive.co.za/news/south-africa/2017-02-06-number-of-blacks-with-jobs-more-than-doubled-since-1994-irr/

Apologies meant to say "WHOLE ARTICLE"

It is racist not to acknowledge the massive racism that exists in SA.

Whatever @speakout It's also racist not to hire people looking for work in domestic capacities because they're black and it's deemed unfair to them.

It is racist not to acknowledge the massive racism that exists in SA

I don’t think anyone has said that SA isn’t a racist country, especially under Apartheid, and continues on to this day.

However, denying them jobs as part of some misguided “humanitarian” idea would make things worse for the average South African woman. They may have no other skills to offer, or job prospects in their hometown.

Don’t forget these jobs will often pay for their kids school fees and give their kids a chance at a better life. Why wouldn’t you employ them at the highest wages you could?

South Africa’s poverty rate is only getting worse, so I don’t expect many other pathways out, tbh. They were recently overtaken by Nigeria in terms of GDP as well.

I have a former colleague who moved from SA with his wife and children when the kids were about 3 and 6. I distinctly remember him talking in the staffroom about the beautiful scenery that his house was set in, the six bedrooms and the swimming pool he had left behind.... and someone asking- quite logically- “Why did you leave all that to come here?!” (They lived in a three bed terrace in East a London. We were all teachers). Without missing a beat, the colleague paused from describing the beautiful mountains and waterfalls and wildlife and said “Because here I don’t have to live in a private compound to not worry about my kids walking the streets alone”.

Sums it up for me. Happy not to have a maid.

As others here have mentioned your 13yo should be helping out. At that age he can take on a chore rota with you and DH. At that age I cleaned the bathroom and hoovered the whole house weekly. My other sibling did the kitchen

Also I don't know what the current situation is with his breakfast and lunches but again, he is well old enough to sort that out himself.

This is not about denying them jobs. This is about stupid comments like - everyone has a maid in SA.

And yes, I would not move to SA to take advantage of racism and inequality.

It's true that massive racism exists still. And perhaps almost more worringly, the massive socio-economic divide, created originally by racism, continues. But suggesting that hiring a domestic worker in South Africa is racist or is taking advantage doesn't look at the whole picture.

There's absolutely no doubt that many (white) south africans continue to financially exploit their workers. Nonetheless, it's also true that many don't and what is acceptable is changing. It's also true, as pointed out in an earlier article on this thread, that domestic workers often benefit from a variety of other benefits/perks that have a long term benefit.

My parents cleaner has worked for them for 30 years. She has always been paid a livable wage (as opposed to minimum wage, which sadly, still isn't livable). She's also had formal benefits in the form of paid time off and a pension. Informal benefits have included financial and other support for her children's education (including my mum more or less camping outside a local school that didn't want to accept her children and using her white priviledge to ensure the DC were accepted); low interest loans not available via the mainstream financial system; practical support to improve her house and living conditions (my dad and brother installed a hot-water shower, for example).

She is still a cleaner, and not the nurse she originally wanted to be. However, her children are reaping the benefits of her work. One is a junior manager in a bank, one is a trainee hairdresser, one works in sales (and created a learning centre for teenagers in his community). One has severe learning disabilities but is able to gain employment via my family and friends who provide work that he can do.

This of course, is not necessarily standard, but it is changing and many domestic workers gain significant benefits. Most of my friends have similar set ups with their domestic workers.

Having said all that, I see the odd facebook post where some annoying rich south African rants about her cleaner daring to take a sick day or time off to care for her own children and it makes my blood boil. That attitude exists, and is deeply entrenched in many sectors of society.

Agree with most of your post @BlingLoving However, regarding the comment about posts on FB, I've seen many a post on Mumsnet about the audacity of their cleaner/aupair/nanny wanting to take day off, must they still pay them, how dare they etc and they definitely weren't from South Africans.

Well done for getting the decorations down. That’s a great start.

When I got back on my feet after a 6 week stint of sick dc, sick dh and me ending up in bed for a week, the house was shocking. I cleaned by starting small (sweeping everything off the coffee table and cleaning and polishing it). Seemed bonkers to take the trouble of polish when the rest of the room was a tip but it gave me a start. I could keep one table top clear.
From there I tidied the room putting anything that didn’t belong in there in a bin bag or on the floor and finally sweeping all the clutter out to the next room.
I kept sweeping from room to room until I ended up with one really awful room to tackle. But by then I had the momentum to get through it, and a tidy house behind me.

Sometimes just doing small things and more small things can get you there, whereas a big goal like “decluttering the house” or batch cooking can be too much to begin with.

So we’ll done on the decorations... what’s next?

Good point @timmytoo!

A maid is a strong word for what you want - a cleaner two hours daily but surely if none of you are there then you don't need that.
Get a slow cooker and throw veg, stock and chicken in it in the morning?
Tell yourself that you will select 5 items for charity shop every day and 5 items for bin - get your 13 yr old to take them so that you don't back out. I'm sure that if you can clean your house then your mind will be clearer- I can tell the stTe if my DD's mental health by her room. She's happy right now so no clutter😆
Can you take unpaid leave or if not then go to your GP and get signed off for 2 weeks. Ask your teenager to help and blitz that clutter - you will feel so much better.
If you can't then get some help for it.

I sympathise. A lot. It is hard - although you probably do not need a " maid" but a better living, one that does not involve long shattering hours.
Anyway, with some organisation you a get up to your list of chores quite easily and get home to a tidy place .
These are my rules ( and I am a single mum)

1. Never leave home without.making the bed
2. Buy a slow cooker and leave the food on when you leave - when you get back you come to some comfort food
3. Buy a robot vacuum cleaner
4. If you really want and can splash put buy a Thermomix. It does mashed potatoes, soups, rice puddings, steams all while you rest. Amazing. Changed my life.

If you are feeling low for various medical/emotional reasons then everything is going to seem like too much. In your shoes I would have a company come in to do a big blitz clean from top to bottom - having first got OH and DC to pick up and put away all of their 'stuff', and you do the same with yours. If you start with a spotless, shiny and tidy house this will give you a great lift, and then make a list of what needs doing every day, share it out between the three of you, and STICK to it. Good luck!

For England you are being unreasonable but considering how you where brought up it’s no wonder your struggling. having a maid sounds wonderful.

I think you need to adapt to the UK maybe a cleaner or an au pair and try to find ways to ‘cheat’ and make things easier give your kid chores for pocket money and make sure hubby is contributing too. I like some one else’s suggestion of a slow cooker. When you do cook, always lots and freeze it, chilli and lasagna etc you might get away with only cooking a couple times a week that way.