AIBU to struggle without a maid

[WobbleBottomBum]

NC because I know I will be flamed but am genuinely seeking advice.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

I've been in England for years. My DC is 13.
I have struggled with depression, hoarding and anorexia all my adult life.

I go home for visits but my husband's job does not really exist there, and DC is settled so we are unlikely to go there to live.

When we see friends there they don't realise how lucky they are. They can go out when they want, there is always childcare. A quick overnight trip away is no big deal.

Wake up in the morning and breakfast is cooked, come home from work and dinner is made. Clothes are ironed and put away. DC room tidy, floors are hoovered, bathroom cleaned. Children's tutors are cheap.

Our joint household income is about £40k. We could never afford that in England.
DH has to leave the house at 7 and is back around 7 . I leave at 8 back at 6. We are exhausted, the house is a mess, we just have a ready meal. We don't really have friends and the house is too messy for anyone to come.

In an ideal world I would have someone in for one hour each morning and one hour each evening, but no-one would work those shifts and I couldn't afford that anyway.

I struggle and don't know what to do.

It is a system based on structural inequality but simply not having servants in a culture that uses them doesn't actually help anyone. In Latin America our maid used the wage we gave her to build her family home, her husband farmer was unable to do this.
Also life without staff if you are used to them is hard. The Downton Abbey lot would have felt the same!
Op isn't saying it is a good system just that it would make her life easier. She isn't wrong.

Why are you both on such low pay working long hours? Could you both look for something more financially rewarding and use the extra money for help in the home?

The most mumsnet thing I have EVER read 😆

There is clearly a lot going on here:

1. week help for depression/hoarding/anorexia
2. hire some help either cleaner or au pair or even a cook.
3. look seriously at your working hours to see if you can implement a reduction.

Yes, we're all jealous of the SA lifestyle but if that's what you're used to I'm not surprised you're struggling. X

When I was in school I used to go round to families in my village in the evening and help get dinner on and sort the kids out, do homework with them and put them to bed sometimes, I babysat for these families too and got my school work done. I charged £4 an hour bedore midnight and £5 after midnight, £6 after 2am. I happily did ironing and cleaning too. I'd have done it at Uni too to earn some extra cash but had a child of my own through university.
If you had someone come round a few days a week for a few hours to do some tidying and cooking you could be looking at maybe £30-£50 a week? You could ask in local buy and sell groups for recommendations of people with reviews and references?

@mbosnz
Your post was not aimed at me but actually your advice is really helpful, thank you for that.

Why are you both on such low pay working long hours? Could you both look for something more financially rewarding and use the extra money for help in the home

I actually don’t think there is anything wrong with asking this question.

Unless the op or her dh is on some sort of career route and at some point will be MD of a company or qualifying to be a Dr or Solicitor then I think it is a valid point to consider.

If both op and her dh for example work in an office in a job where the title is more impressive than the salary in the city you would also have to take off their commute costs, clothes, lunches etc and the joint £40k salary becomes much much less and could be part of the reason the op is struggling.

If both of them decided to get a job stacking shelves in their local supermarket I think they would end up much better off.
Not only would their salaries be a lot higher their commute time and cost would be a lot less.
Clothing etc could be kept to a minimum.

With the free time op you would be able tackle your hoard of stuff as you wouldn’t be as tired, you could plan more meals and shop a lot more sensibly.

I am only giving shelf stacking as an example there are probably a lot of other jobs out there.

Or even doing 2 pt jobs.

I think apart from the hoarding and anorexia would I be right in thinking both you and your dh are completely knackered

I also think there is a huge culture shock you must be suffering between the SA lifestyle and the reality of living in the UK

Oh, thank you kismetjayn!

Your post triggered my musings, that's why I mentioned you. I hope you don't think I was singling you out.

@mbosnz no not at all, it was really good advice and I'm glad my complaining could help inspire it!

Timmytoo
Really I did clean the above ..just stop the crap you know your truth..you know how blacks are percieved in south africa

Lots of absurd references to the "SA lifestyle" on here but let's call it what it is, the colonial lifestyle, in the most unequal country on earth.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

No, they actually don't. We didn't, nor did my friends and their families, apart from one American family. Just because it was more prevalent where you were doesn't mean it was everyone. You need to readjust your attitude and sort yourself out so that you can cope without one. Noone needs a maid, most ppl could do with help at some point, but yes, yabu to struggle without a maid and blame your difficulty on this fact.

OP you should read this article. Not because KonMari and Marie Kondo are suddenly in news but the comments section specifically.

www.nytimes.com/2016/07/10/magazine/marie-kondo-and-the-ruthless-war-on-stuff.html

I have posted a screen shot if that helps. I had my light bulb moment when I read that as I have struggled myself and still a constant battle.

All the best. Hope you can work out something that works for you.

Hello OP hope you have got some help and family is taking their share of the responsibility. 💐

I’m convinced that one of the reasons the middle classes are so gutted about Brexit is because their unlimited resource of highly qualified Polish women prepared to work hard for a pittance will be reduced.
Why do you think they work for a pittance? My previous cleaner made just over £30K a year, her husband made around £25K as a construction worker (outer London) - I know that because I helped them with their paperwork for the mortgage, as neither of them is fluent in English. Both are in their early-mid 20s. Yes, they lived in a tiny flat-share and both worked all hours under the sun. She was absolutely brilliant, I was very sad when they decided to move (they got a lovely little house in Leeds now).
They also do not plan to turn into an "underclass" as someone said upthread - their plan is to continue working at the same pace for another couple of years, pay off the mortgage, rent the house out and return back home to start a family.

I grew up in Kenya been in the UK (20 years now though). But i get that its a shock especially given your schedules. But you need to set up right. Batch cooking. Healthier ready meals than pizza. A for cleaning, chores for kids plus a cleaner. It's understanding how to organise a workable life, takes a big of time and adjusting expectations.
On a different note I actually love the privacy of not constantly having staff about the house. I've even got rid of cleaner because I love that home is for us.

That sound read 'a rota for cleaning'

Eurgh some of the comments on here about racism and inequality are just so misguided, it's awful.

I'm from a West African country, barely anyone that's not black here and we have black people as domestics, drivers etc. It's easy to say 'oh you're only paying them the equivalent of £30 a month', when you don't realise the government mandated minimum wage is £25. Some people treat their staff terribly, usually those people are terrible in general. Some people like my family and friends treat their staff with respect, send them and/or their kids to school and set up businesses for them when they feel like they want to go higher.

By some of your logic, just because they're not meeting YOUR minimum standards for payment, you shouldn't hire them at all, which i'm sure would do SO much for their current living situation. I'm curious to hear exactly how you would empower these people who likely start off with minimal to no education.

Op. Hoarding is a big issue. You are never going to have a clean organised home if it's full of stuff that you don't need.

The thought of sorting it will be insurmountable if you are already feeling depressed and have low energy.

I also think living in a full cluttered house is going to have a negative effect on your mental health.