AIBU to struggle without a maid

[WobbleBottomBum]

NC because I know I will be flamed but am genuinely seeking advice.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

I've been in England for years. My DC is 13.
I have struggled with depression, hoarding and anorexia all my adult life.

I go home for visits but my husband's job does not really exist there, and DC is settled so we are unlikely to go there to live.

When we see friends there they don't realise how lucky they are. They can go out when they want, there is always childcare. A quick overnight trip away is no big deal.

Wake up in the morning and breakfast is cooked, come home from work and dinner is made. Clothes are ironed and put away. DC room tidy, floors are hoovered, bathroom cleaned. Children's tutors are cheap.

Our joint household income is about £40k. We could never afford that in England.
DH has to leave the house at 7 and is back around 7 . I leave at 8 back at 6. We are exhausted, the house is a mess, we just have a ready meal. We don't really have friends and the house is too messy for anyone to come.

In an ideal world I would have someone in for one hour each morning and one hour each evening, but no-one would work those shifts and I couldn't afford that anyway.

I struggle and don't know what to do.

Question.. are any of these maids you all have in SA ever white..?

timmy, as a South African - that's all almost meaningless. "Signing an agreement" when the balance of power is tipped wildly in favour of one party - and the other party may not be able to understand what is written, either in terms of language used or being able to write at all? Issues around job scarcity, employment opportunity... Legislation for things like overtime and breaks is all good and well, but in environments where jobs are scarce (unemployment in SA is quite high) and the welfare state is absent it practically depends on employer goodwill (as it sometimes does even in the UK - see the myriad threads on here to that effect). And access to justice in SA is likewise difficult. So it's very unlikely, given this, that an average maid will be secure enough in her employment and understanding of her rights to demand double pay on public holidays/refuse overtime etc if asked.

I saw plenty of employers treat their maids and "garden boys" well or at least even-handedly, but I also saw plenty of poor treatment. The inequality of opportunity in SA is one of the deepest and most unjust legacies of apartheid, and legislation can't fully resolve that, certainly not within the span of 25 years.

Question.. are any of these maids you all have in SA ever white..?

Of course not. They aren't where I live, either. I hate that, and try to assuage my guilt by paying far more than the going rate, treating my housekeeper really well (sick pay when it's not a statutory requirement, generous Christmas present etc), and not expecting too much of her - sometimes we clean in tandem, sometimes she tells me I'm getting in her way so I make her a cup of tea and leave her to it.

If I didn't employ her, she probably wouldn't find another employer as generous as me, or she wouldn't find anyone at all for the one day that I have her (most housekeeping positions here are full time, live in positions - big houses are literally always built with an annex to accomodate them)

So what should I do? Deprive her of the income because I carry colonial guilt?

That's why we have the CCMA here. Trust me mostly everyone is aware of it and it's free to use.

To answer question about job requests for cleaning. Yes they are all black, as are the majority of cashiers, dustbin men, petrol attendants, taxi drivers, Uber drivers, gardeners, waitering, cops and cafes.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time OP but the reason people have maids in South Africa is because of the severe post-Apartheid inequality, a situation which has yet to deliver economic justice for black South Africans.

Your friends back in SA are enjoying the benefits of the disparity in education, skills, and income and you're sad that you're not able to as well? Spare a thought from those township residents who work in middle class homes for a pittance while living in pretty much abject poverty.

Your joint income in the UKis more than double ours so it's difficult to feel sympathy for your financial situation. You can certainly afford to get some psychological help and pay a cleaner for a few hours per week (but fortunately cleaners here can at least ask a 'decent' wage.)

An underpaid maid will not solve your problems, you absolutely need some counselling and emotional support. Don't waste energy thinking about what you don't have - that's just a sort of self-sabotaging. Go to the GP first and get yourself on to the waiting list for mental health services. In the meantime access whatever charities you can find and also I strongly suggest you go private too. Hoarding is particularly difficult to treat without specialist help so look for someone experienced in this area.

Good luck x

@OlennasWimple I understand.

The economic inequality is SA is worse than in the UK and cannot easily be fixed.

However complaining that you can't afford a maid in the UK because we don't allow people to be paid so little asking to be flamed.

I am sad that most people dont really know the meaning of a south African house maid and what the role is about
OP I do and to be honest im.glad one of these house maids have escaped you.
Tough.get up and clean yourself ..

Leapfrog44 thank you

I'll be honest, I'm struggling to find any sympathy with you OP. You sound very privileged to have had a maid in a previous life. You've been here a while now so have had time to adjust. How do you spend your weekends? I know weekends are down time from work and are a chance to rest but you could all use that time to blitz the house and get everything in order. Once you're on top of everything, it'll be easier to keep the place tidy. How have you not taken the decs down yet? You managed to put them up so get them down. The house will feel tidier getting rid of those alone. I think this is a case of you just having to try harder (your husband and child included). I sympathise re your mental health. I have MH problems myself and have chronic fatigue syndrome. I'd love to not work and just sleep round the clock but that's just not possible as I have 3 kids to look after and a house to keep in order. The 3 of you should sit down and work out some sort of plan about how to move forward.

She cannot do anything because she never did any chores in her former life .
Tough get up and make yourself useful
There are lots of books to read to help you out
Cant believe you came on here to get some understanding .

She came on here expecting a flaming but hoping for some understanding. She has received that from some posters

Self
It really is sisi syndrome

Well if you've been used to having help and u have all those m/h issues on your plate no wonder you are struggling tbh! If you didn't grow up with that wonderful sense of support and community ypu might have got on ok but seeing as there are m/h issues I'm not surprised ur struggling. I do. I have depression and adhd. Found out at 32. Why not get an au pair ? What shame is there in it? If it helps you. Or get like a cleaner for the min ampunt of time or a friend to help u with the mess monster. Maybe beg/borrow /steal a slow cooker and look up easyish recipes online (the one pot chef ob youtube is good but maybe just adapt the recipes to be a bit healthier). Bbc good food and jamie oliver/a girl called jack (now cooking on a bootstrap). Look up flylady or the organised mum method. Do 15 mins a day of decluttering. Or 5. Either way its progress. I had to accept as someone with adhd i had to take shortcuts or nothing would ever get done. There's no shame.

Ps please get help for your depression too, there is no shame in that either and no shame in talking therapies for hoarding/depression etc
Start with a trip tp the gp and go from there. Maybe if the depression lifts a bit you'll feel more able to do things.

Your joint income isn't huge, but it's pretty average.

Your working hours are fun time with a fairly normal commute.

Your husbands working /commuting is longer, but he does little in the house by the sounds of it, which slightly balances that out.

You've chosen to bring your son up to do no chores, and he's 13 not 3. He will not require substantial childcare and should be helping out.

Many people work longer hours, with multiple children, with toddlers and some are single parents at the same time. Those parents I can see would find juggling life difficult, but I think the only complicating factor for you is your mental health (which is again sadly not a rare thing).

It's time to put on your big girl pants. Get whatever help you need for MH, if you want to pay for a cleaner, do so, but 2 adults and a teenager should be able to manage just fine with basic life admin.

Dear OP
please come and join us on this decluttering/tidying thread. We're nice and friendly, and expectations are low at anything from just one item decluttered a day or 7 a week if easier.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/3463110-New-home-for-the-new-year-still-getting-rid-of-one-item-a-day-part-6?msgid=84237704

@Timmytoo
I’m sorry your talking rubbish.
The reason to have so much domestic help is due to ongoing racism.
Black woman often leave their babies to look after lazy exploitative employers as they have no other choice.
Stop justifying using impoverished and uneducated women as cheap labour.😡😡

@Timmytoo

I have found this thread very offensive as a South African.
As a black woman I find your selfish entitled attitude offensive!!

Ok fine. Maybe it was but as you can see things have gotten better.

But as you'd prefer, we won't, including black people, hire domestic workers anymore as it's deemed offensive and we are unable to justify it. I'm sure they will be delighted.

@Timmytoo
You’re being facetious now.
Go ahead and defend SA appalling racist divided society.
As for your comparison of violence and crime between UK and SA is just ridiculous and based on what allegedly happened to you.
If you’ve researched actually crime statistics SA is among the worlds most violent societies but who cares at least some poor black woman cleans your house and raises another generation of entitled racist brats.

Just for interest, my cleaner lives in a 3 bedroom double story home (these are being built for black people in townships now). She lives with her two children and husband. She works for different families a week. She arrives at 9 leaves at 4. I pay her more than twice the minimum. She Has the latest of everything and she pulls in a salary equal to that of a general office worker.

Btw I wasn't even alive during apartheid so we can't help what our previous generation did. It's not like that now, some of the richest people live in townships because, as I've been told by residents themselves, they prefer it as they like the buzz, it's cultural for them and they don't want to move into the suburbs. Some do and some don't, their lifestyle is very much similar to a travelers according to what I was learning from another thread. It's changing now, my generation of black people are going to universities, getting great jobs etc. So things are improving and getting better all round.

I'm sorry if we would like a cleaner that we have no choice but to hire a black person because, to this day, I've never seen a white person advertise herself as a domestic. So what are we meant to do if we don't have a choice, not hire cleaners?

Btw my DP and I cleaned two houses weekly when we lived in the UK for extra money to get by, believe me, both very middle class families with huge but filthy houses that didn't get cleaned between our visits and we were expected to watch their kids when they went to the shop!

Good lord! Yes, yabu. I lived in SA for a number of years. Three DC, no maid. Just because others have one doesn't mean you'd struggle if you didn't. If you struggle for legitimate health reasons, that's a different matter, but again, plenty of ppl with similar issues manage without a maid or cleaner, or gardener, or whatever. A maid is not an appropriate fix for whatever those problems may be.

I'd also like to add, my complex had only 12 white families in, the rest are black families. We have 84 flats here. Beautiful complex, great friendly people, very safe and peaceful with beautiful surroundings. If I supported racism which I DONT, why would I live in a predominantly black area and complex. Some of the people in my complex work as domestics meh

And I'm sorry, but when I lived in the UK, I didn't see one British person cleaning toilets, office cleaning etc. they were all Eastern Europeans!

Is it racist that the majority of adverts for employment in SA, specifies that only people of colour need apply, or is that ok because it's just white people who are not allowed to apply. Is it ok that people in government says they want to get rid of all the white people but that too, I guess is ok cause they're just referring to white people, so cannot possibly be racist. Our generation is being blamed and bullied for something our previous generation did that we had no control over at all and we are the ones trying to make things equal yet we can never get past apartheid constantly being brought up. Only once we move on from that era can SA move forward and create equality. But constantly referring to it and blaming everyone holds SA back leading to resentment and racial hatred to both black and whites.