AIBU to struggle without a maid

[WobbleBottomBum]

NC because I know I will be flamed but am genuinely seeking advice.

I grew up in South Africa. Everyone has either a maid or extended family to help with housework and childcare.

I've been in England for years. My DC is 13.
I have struggled with depression, hoarding and anorexia all my adult life.

I go home for visits but my husband's job does not really exist there, and DC is settled so we are unlikely to go there to live.

When we see friends there they don't realise how lucky they are. They can go out when they want, there is always childcare. A quick overnight trip away is no big deal.

Wake up in the morning and breakfast is cooked, come home from work and dinner is made. Clothes are ironed and put away. DC room tidy, floors are hoovered, bathroom cleaned. Children's tutors are cheap.

Our joint household income is about £40k. We could never afford that in England.
DH has to leave the house at 7 and is back around 7 . I leave at 8 back at 6. We are exhausted, the house is a mess, we just have a ready meal. We don't really have friends and the house is too messy for anyone to come.

In an ideal world I would have someone in for one hour each morning and one hour each evening, but no-one would work those shifts and I couldn't afford that anyway.

I struggle and don't know what to do.

As an ex Zimbabwean I get a bit infuriated whilst understanding the depressed bit. It sometimes feels like life in UK is work all week, shop on Saturday, clean on Sunday - repeat. But it can and is done by millions. I have four kids, a husband who doesn’t do more than an occasional dishwasher load and work 3 or 4 13 hour shifts a week. I stayed at home until youngest was in high school and we moved to where they could get to school without car. I have no family or network and coped with four kids in 6 years alone. OP it isn’t a great life for the majority of Zimbos/South Africans. The way friends and family live and ignore their maids daily struggles / lack of family life isn’t something I could live with. Living in a safe country and working full time with one child to clear up after isn’t difficult- an adjustment in attitude is needed. I’m a hoarder too - it’s our no waste upbringing I think 🙂. Depression hits anyone for no reason, see your GP and try anti depressants but a big part of this is to embrace a UK lifestyle and stop yearning for the easy but unkind and selfish life in Africa

Sorry you are feeling so down WobbleBottomBum.

Well done getting the decorations down.

I hope your typing butler is giving you some more emotional support .

I struggle with 'stuff' sometimes and I deal with it by tackling small areas at a time, and then I gradually expand into sorting an entire room. At the moment I'm on top of two of the three downstairs rooms and making great progress on the third. When they are uncluttered it's much easy to keep them tidy. Starting it this time around was really hard as I felt totally bogged down in it. But two months in I finally feel I can finally clear the rest of the house too. My DH and DCs have helped with quite a lot of it. It's not 'woman's work' when you both work full-time. You all need to pitch in and you'll probably all feel happier. I agree with the tips above about doing an eg thirty minute timer and doing what you can in that time.

Good luck.

Two things well three things going on I think.You miss your old way of life obviously as its what you were used to.So thats two things to look at.One is to first tackle depression etc.. Do this and you will be able to adjust to what your new life here entails.Then the third is maybe everything at the moment doesnt need to be as perfect as maybe how things were when you had staff so let some things go and if you cant afford to employ help then insist you all help out with chores cooking etc..

I understand- when youve got no family close by, you are responsible for everything with no support or anyone to ask advice off etc. We have quite stressful jobs that we end up doing hours of work when we get home. My house always feels cluttered and it's overwhelming at times. There's always something to be done and it's exhausting. I've always got to think of the logistics with the kids - childcare etc - my partner and I never go out on a night out so theres no escape and then there's the daily grind of it all. There has been some good suggestions such as cleaners or looking at your job etc but I also think having something to look forward to helps no matter how small. Also try and keep the living room (for me it's the kitchen) clear so people can come round and you've got somewhere to feel comfortable

It is a beautiful country, but it is like living in a prison. I have visited there with a friend and we stayed with his family in Cape Town and Durban. Yes, they have maids, but bars on all doors and windows, guard dogs and 24 hour security patrolling all day. I imagine you left SA to get away from this as many others have done.

I sympathise with your mental health problems and I think you do need support. However it always makes me laugh when people say everyone has a maid,driver,gardener etc. Do you really think your maid had a maid while she was cooking cleaning bringing up the children in your family? Or does everyone only include a certain type of people

My cleaners aunt has a cleaning agency and she was a domestic worker, my cleaner has a cleaner who comes once a week as well.

Hey OP, I moved here from Johannesburg (albeit as a young adult) and yes the absence of cheap (by SA standards) domestic help is noticeable, and yes thing are tough with DC if you don't have family around to help. I get it.

I think your MH issues are the crux of it really. There's lots of practical stuff we could suggest around organising your life/batch cooking/getting your child to help/routine, but you need to seek help with the underlying issues - possibly pursuing an NHS referral if that's realistic, otherwise saving up/cutting back to pay for a private course of therapy or CBT?

PLEASE GET YOUR VITAMIN D CHECKED!

(Sorry for shouting but in such a long thread it's hard to get the ops attention.)

I have two friends from South Africa, both of them are on mega doses of vitamin D, both felt really shit, depressed, lethargic and powerless when they came over here. They were back to their old selves in weeks once they got their D prescription.

I read the title of the thread and thought "really???" but reading the actual post makes me realise that you're struggling.

I have had anorexia and depression and its very isolating. I have recovered now although I do get overwhelmed about home stuff from time to time. I'm not a naturally tidy person (and neither sadly are any of my family!!) I write "to do" lists when I feel like this and some of the things will be really simple like put a load of washing on. Others are more time consuming like clean the bathroom. I think the list of tasks should be shared though.

The thing also I picked up on is that you have no friends which again is a lonely place to be.
A lot of PP have suggested the GP which with MH can be a bit hit and miss but worth a try, and maybe a BEAT (ED charity) or if there are any MH charities that deal with hoarding.
I wonder if it would help to go out and do something for yourself? (out of the house) I love doing parkrun either on my own or with my 9 year old. Its free and its a real community where I have met new friends. We see each other on saturdays, sometimes have breakfast or coffee in the cafe but there's no expectation to go to one anothers houses. Sometimes I feel more energised and motivated after I have exercised.
Also while good food and vitamins can help your mood I feel like having friends will too. Maybe even find a SA group in your area if you are missing home.

I see where you are coming from. But my South African friend thinks that way of life out there will soon be a thing of the past because nobody wants the maids jobs as they have so many better opportunities. A good thing if you ask me. Not that that will help you feel any less tired. 💐

Oh bless you, OP - you are suffering from mental ill health, culture shock, and a longing for a somewhat idealised view of previous life in South Africa.

Agree with others that declutterimg is the first step.

If it's too overwhelming, just shove it in big black bin bags (or even better, the see through ones), and sort out later, bag at a time. When you're really cluttered, it's too overwhelming to make a start on it.

You've been here for years, your daughter is 13 and now you feel you can't cope without a maid. How have you managed before feeling like that? Have you considered a visit to your GP as you may be suffering from depression which can creep on gradually. Can your funds run to a cleaner once a week? You will probably need to do a clean up yourself first or be prepared to pay quite a bit initially to get the house organised. Had family who lived in S. A. due to work and they couldn't get back here quick enough. They couldn't accept the way maids, gardeners etc were treated mainly by whites.One if them were humiliated at work when colleagues learned they had given maid some of their daughter's clothes she had outgrown. Was told he had to keep "them" in their place. Earned a huge salary but couldn't stand the discrimination and low key slavery.

Honestly, I think that sounds like it's just making lazy parents... but it sounds like your overwhelmed, maybe speak to DH

It’s called the Sisi syndrome . Get well soon . I am in Brighton if you ever need a break . Also summer when I go away to my staff of 7 in Africa you will have the whole place to yourself. Do get in touch . I know how you feel .
Though myself I feel crowded having staff around my home .

The reason you can’t afford a maid in the UK is because we have a minimum wage here. The SA situation from your and your friends’ side of the coin sounds fantastic, I’m not so sure it would look so great from the maids side.

What your essentially saying is ‘isn’t it a shame there aren’t poor people here willing to be exploited and work for peanuts like there are in SA?’ I don’t think that’s a shame, no.

Do any of you get your nails done in a nail bar? If so, how do you live with yourselves?

Yes I do and I live with myself quite easily as it is someone who went to school with my sister.

Maybe don't complain about others making sweeping statements and then do the same yourself. unless you are trying to be ironic

I do have a bit of sympathy as my mum's family are from India and she grew up with servants! It was a culture shock coming to the UK and ldifficult earning how to do those things, even though she would be the first to say that the whole idea of servants and that kind of inequality is wrong.

I agree with those saying you need to deal with the hoarding. Try reading Marie Kondo's Life Changing Magic of Tidying for an easy step by step system of decluttering and simplifying your life. Get a routine for the housework too - try Organised Mum or just make up a rota for which days you do different tasks and stick to it. If you miss a day, don't try to catch up, just leave those tasks for next week or you just end up with a big backlog.

You really do need to get your dd and dh involved. Talk to your dh. Maybe he could have certain tasks that are his, even if he isn't willing to do daily tasks. e.g. he could clean the bathroom once a week, or do the ironing. It's hard 'training' teenagers to help out and it is much easier to do it yourself, but worth putting in the effort in the long run. Your dd could do regular things - maybe loading and unloading the dishwasher if you have one, and maybe get her to learn 2 or 3 recipes so she can cook dinner once a week?

But also it does sound like you have little support, friends, etc in your life. I think you need to address this too, maybe more urgently than the house.

I live in Cape Town SA. Never felt nervous, walk around at night. Lived in Joburg for years not a thing.

I've honestly never witnessed a crime or seen cruelty and I've been to a lot of dodgy places, I've never once felt unsafe.

Then you are very lucky.

South Africa does have a minimum wage now. I pay my cleaner double that.

@SillySallySingsSongs I was referring to that as a lot of women working in nail bars are sadly trafficked women. I mentioned that has a PP asked how people in SA could live with ourselves having domestics. So I replied back referring to the trafficked women forced into slavery and used in nail bars.

I imagine life is not a bed of roses for the maids in South Africa...

I have little sympathy, to be honest. It must be a miserable existence for these maids.
First world problems.

These are the employment rules for employing domestics in SA

The Basic Conditions of Employment Act requires employers to conclude a written employment agreement with their domestic workers, gardeners and childminders (including drivers of children) and those who look after the sick, aged or disabled in private homes.

These prescriptions include the following:

•	Payslips: Every domestic worker should receive a written payslip on payday setting out the employee’s details, the ordinary and overtime hours worked during the payment period, the applicable rate of remuneration and any deductions made by the employer.

•	No deductions may be made from a domestic worker’s pay for breakages, work clothing or meals provided. 

•	If accommodation is provided, no more than 10% of the worker’s monthly salary may be deducted as an accommodation allowance.

•	A domestic worker must be given a meal break of at least 30 minutes after every 5 hours of continuous work.

•	Overtime: A domestic worker may not be required to work more than 15 hours of overtime in any week. Any overtime worked must be remunerated with additional pay or leave.

•	Public holidays: If a public holiday falls on a day on which a domestic worker would usually work, the employer must pay the domestic worker for the day, even if the domestic worker doesn’t work that day.

•	A domestic worker can only be called upon to work on a public holiday if there is a written agreement allowing for this. Such work must be remunerated by double pay.

•	Annual leave: Every domestic worker is entitled to 3 weeks annual leave.

The contract

The only way to clarify what each party can expect and have to contribute to the relationship is by signing a Domestic Employment Agreement prior to employment. This work contract sets out the duties, hours and place of work, wages, overtime, leave and termination of services for a clear understanding of the terms of employment.

SOME of these posts (not all of them) remind me of George Orwells's comment in the 1930's on British Communists who learned that Lenin's hobby was shooting. They did not believe it!
Their knowledge of game shooting was "aristocrats on expensive grouse moors." They were unable to comprehend the size and geography of Russia, or any country beyond their immediate experience.