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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you were once a single mother, broke and breaking your back for your DC...

114 replies

NorWeezelee · 20/01/2019 10:58

Did you manage to fall happily in love again with a wonderful man? Are there any wonderful men, ones who might risk it with likes of me?

Please pick me up with your happy stories of love and romance. I'm feeling utterly miserable and sorry for myself today.

OP posts:
QwertyLou · 20/01/2019 12:02

Aw OP sorry to hear you’re feeling down Flowers I’m a single mom of a 4yo and it can be hard work. I’m in a slightly different boat though as I love how things are for now - not looking to meet anyone.

I did date a lovely man for six months - so there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t meet a wonderful man. Hopefully someone will be along who can help more Flowers

TopBitchoftheWitches · 20/01/2019 12:04

I am a single mum to 4 teens living at home. As pp said, I'm happy as I am and have no interest in meeting anyone, but I am sorry you are feeling down. Flowers
What don't you like about being on your own?

Aloneforeverandever · 20/01/2019 12:17

I've never managed to meet anyone. I am very down about the whole situation. I have no pleasure in life. My kids are very hard work and very unappreciative. I can't find a babysitter. They should be able to be left but they do so many stupid things I can't trust them.

I am overweight, frumpy and dumpy. I started running every day and lost loads of weight. I had to stop because the kids would do something stupid in the house every single time. They literally cannot be left for half an hour. I can't work full time because I can't give them a key. The place would be destroyed.

I honestly thought I would meet someone. There was someone I really liked who was 10 years older than me. He is now going out with someone 5 years younger than me.

I just want a bit of a life before I die. I don't even have anything to offer anyone now. I can't pursue any of my interests due to my kids.

Toomanychefs · 20/01/2019 12:18

I was a single mother with 5 kids under 10 when I met my DP. I wasn't looking, was quite happy plodding along on my own.
We've been together 4 years now and it's like he was always here. My kids adore him and he treats them as his own.

YellowStickRoad · 20/01/2019 12:19

I'd advise throwing yourself into your work/job OP, or if you don't enjoy your work then try to find a job you get satisfaction from. I'm a single mum and since I did that I feel much more confident, content and have dates some great guys. No one long term yet but still hopeful Smile

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2019 12:20

I'm feeling utterly miserable and sorry for myself today

Flowers

Sorry you’re feeling down OP. Can you work on feeling happier as you are first?

Nescafe · 20/01/2019 12:21

Yes. One DS. Divorced by 26 😳

Absolutely in love now with the most amazing man, who has two lovely children of his own

Keep going. You'll get where you need to be

SusanneLinder · 20/01/2019 12:24

Yup. Left my abusive ex when my kids were 8 and 5. Been married for over 20 years now to a lovely DH. Met by complete accident through a mutual friend.

xxcheshiremumxx · 20/01/2019 12:27

I had my daughter at 16, single mum (had boyfriends afterwards but nothing very serious in terms of a family) struggled like hell in all aspects of life for years.

She's now 9, I met the most wonderful human 2 years ago, we both have good jobs, bought a house & are now trying for a baby :)

It will happen Smile

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 20/01/2019 12:29

Yes. me. Single parent to 2 kids. No career. Broke, depressed and struggling in my early 30's. Now qualified in a well paying job and married ten years to a wonderful man.

sleeplessinsomewhereelse · 20/01/2019 12:29

Yes me!

My xp left when my children were 2&4. They're now 9&11.

After he left I did feel low but knew he wasn't right.

Anyway I just decided I was going to start saying yes to everything. So any random night out or club or quiz...

I also got in touch with a friend as we used to hang out at uni (he was a mature student). He was 8 years older than me and hadn't married/had kids.

Anyway we went out for a drink and then everything developed from there. I Didn't actually take it very 'slow' as I had known him for 15 years.

He's in a professional career, solvent and is basically an amazing man. He's a fantastic step dad to my children. We share everything. No secrets etc.

I was coming for being broke with 2 children working part time but he just never held back.

We did try bill splitting but it just got annoying so we went joint after a year. It's all family money. That has given me such peace of mind.

We're married and have a house. It's the most secure I could've hoped for.

I have hobbies and friends that make me so happy. Oh and animals that he came on board with.

He's just brought me a cup of tea in bed before heading to Homebase to get some bits to fix the kids trampoline.

He's just the best. Hope that helped

maddiemookins16mum · 20/01/2019 12:40

Not me, but my lovely mum back in 1974.
She was divorced, three kids under 10.
Met my stepdad and got married. She met him through a work colleague, he was a 40 year old single man, devoted to his teaching career.
He adopted us, all three about a year later. We took his name and I still have his name today (didn’t change it upon marriage).
He was such a lovely, generous man who adored us and us him.
Sadly he died at aged 51 in 1981 when I was 16 but I was so lucky and proud to have him as my dad for even a few short years.

NameChanger22 · 20/01/2019 12:40

I've been a single parent for 11 years, I love it. I have lots of things in my life - interests and hobbies which I wouldn't want to compromise to may way for another person.

I think it's usually better to stay single once you are a single parent because how do you know which men are safe to be around your children? I don't know how to spot a paedophile or abusive man, do you? Also, you don't really know if the relationship will last or not and it's unfair on children to put them through that again.

Asta19 · 20/01/2019 12:42

In the kindest possible way, don’t pin all your hopes on it. You might meet someone, you might not. I didn’t. Well, I dated but none of them turned out to be “Mr Right”. Now with my DC grown I actually just don’t want a relationship anymore. What I did instead was focused on me. I trained and got a good career, so now I have a really comfortable life, I travel a lot etc. I found hobbies I enjoy. I have friends and get on great with my DC, so spend time with them too. I’m now at the stage where I wouldn’t want to give up the life I have for a relationship. If you spend all your time wishing and hoping for a man to come along and “save” you, it’s actually less likely to happen and will just cause you more misery.

NutElla5x · 20/01/2019 12:44

I think it's sad that so many women rely on a man for their happiness (and their money).I've been a single mum for about 5 years and I bloody love it! Yes it's hard work and we don't have much cash to spare,but I can do what I want when I want,and my kids only answer to me and not some man, who I believe would never have their best interests at heart the way I do.

nordring · 20/01/2019 12:47

I was a single mum for the first 13 years of DS's life - I left my partner at the time due to DV. We were utterly broke - I was on benefits the whole time, and I had no input from exP or any maintenance.

Met my current DH when DS was 7. I wasn't looking for a partner, we met through a sport that I took up as I wanted to get active. We took it slow - we dated for years and didn't move in together until we got married, after knowing each other for 5 years. He's a high earner and was happy to take full financial responsibility for us all, treats DS1 as his own, shares all money as family money etc. We've just had our first baby together and bought a bigger house. He's a brilliant dad and a wonderful husband. We get on great together and he pulls his weight with the dc and around the house.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 20/01/2019 12:48

I met my dh at 42, recently divorced, left with debt and no job. On a rare night out met an amazing man. Never had a night apart in over 6 years. Married with a ds now and very happy.
I had 10 dc when I met him!
Op there is a man out here for you I assure you.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 20/01/2019 12:48

I split with ExH when DS13 was a few months old. I had every intention of remaining single simply because my heart was a little battered and bruised. A year or so later DH and I met, took it very slowly and now we're married and life's good.

It's not easy trusting anyone with your heart once you've had it broken. It's even less easy trusting anyone with your precious DC.

The way I look at it, though, is that DH has added so much more to our lives than he's taken away. I could have remained single, and happily. But I also see that DH adores DS13, DS13 adores DH and they have so much time and energy for one another that I can't imagine not being in our family now. All of the "you don't know who you're letting in" is entirely true, and I'd never have introduced a line of men to DS13, nor would I have let DH meet him if I hadn't thought the relationship had a very good chance of lasting. It's a chance I was willing to take and it worked out.

OdeToDiazepam · 20/01/2019 12:50

I didn't find a man no, that's not important to me. I did however manage to get back on my feet and am now happy with me and my children, no drama, working towards my ambitions, good life etc.

Think about what's important, is it really a man? Does your happiness depend on a relationship? Because if so you're setting yourself up for a fall

Muddlewitch · 20/01/2019 12:51

Single mum of 4, have been on my own for 9 years and don't want a relationship. I used to in the early days but have built a life with the kids that I don't feel I want to have to adapt for another person. Developing my career as they've got a bit older and all started school etc helped with that.
However, I have met some really lovely men who absolutely would have wanted a relationship and would have been great partners, the kids etc didn't put them off it was me that didn't want it. So they are out there, and I have friends who have also gone on to meet men like some of those mentioned on this thread who are very happy.

Bowchicawowow · 20/01/2019 12:52

A relative of mine was divorced from a horrible man at quite a young age and with two dc. She met a family friend of my parents who was recently divorced and they have been married for decades now. All their dc get along well.

PatPhoenix · 20/01/2019 12:54

It sounds like you desperately need friends, adult company and support, not a man as such. You sound so harassed and unhappy.

Any school gate acquaintances you like? Could you ask them back for tea one day?

Any TAs at your school who would consider babysitting for an hour twice a week so you can get back into running?

NameChanger22 · 20/01/2019 12:54

Op there is a man out here for you I assure you.

How can you promise that? There isn't a great man out there for everyone.

Therunecaster · 20/01/2019 12:55

Single mum of 3. Plump, average looking and have an elderly parent who lives with me. Wasn't broke but was struggling to not be. Met an amazing man 3 years ago, getting married next year.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 20/01/2019 12:56

There is hope!

I met someone wonderful when my Daughter was 3.5 (single since pregnancy) We married 2 years later (5 years this year!) have had 3 more children and he officially adopted my Daughter 3 years ago. We now run a support group for single parents. There are great men out there!