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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, if you were once a single mother, broke and breaking your back for your DC...

114 replies

NorWeezelee · 20/01/2019 10:58

Did you manage to fall happily in love again with a wonderful man? Are there any wonderful men, ones who might risk it with likes of me?

Please pick me up with your happy stories of love and romance. I'm feeling utterly miserable and sorry for myself today.

OP posts:

RuthW · 20/01/2019 13:19

I was a single mother from when dd was 8. I had a long term relationship for 5 years but always said I would never have another man living in the house until she was 18.

I've been in another relationship for 5 years now with a lovely man. Dd is 22 and away at uni. I have no plans to live with my oh. Im now too independent. I love living on my own.

Enjoy your time with you children.

Juells · 20/01/2019 13:19

all have the utmost respect for women.

...and give them a credit score 😂

Myheartbelongsto · 20/01/2019 13:21

I was a single mother to 3 children, shit job due to limited options re childcare so could only work in the evening. Huge mortgage arrears, shit car, no money etc.

Then 6 weeks after I left my ex husband we got together and he proposed on Christmas Day.

He is honestly the best person I ever met, he is so kind, so constant, so capable, so honest, so consistent and we get along so well. He is the most gorgeous man ever and shows me nothing but respect. I could give you examples but I would be here all day.

When we first got together he was always available. If I called, he answered, if I text he answered. He would ask me as I was leaving when would he see me again.

We have been together 5 years this year and he has never given me a reason to doubt him. There are no secrets between us, phones don't have pin codes etc. Everyone that knows us remarks on our relationship and one friend says it's the most gorgeous thing he has ever seen.

I would say that since meeting him, he has raised my bar on men as I would never ever sell myself short if I found myself single again.

Just keep going op, nothing stays the same forever!

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2019 13:21

They're all good guys, professional, and all have the utmost respect for women

Good guys with respect for women don’t give potential partners “scores”.

By all means not wanting to date someone with children is valid. Your friends do sound unpleasant though.

Myheartbelongsto · 20/01/2019 13:23

Then 6 weeks after I left my ex husband we got together and he proposed on Christmas Day.

This makes no sense does it!

We got together 6 weeks after I left my husband, that was 5 years ago and my boyfriend proposed on Christmas Day last year.

Lushlemming · 20/01/2019 13:24

Idontbelieveinthemoon

I don't think you understand the definition of the word misogyny.

My friend neither dislikes, is prejudice towards nor has a hatred for women.

He simply expressed an opinion that he doesn't see single mothers the same way he sees women who dont have children.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 13:25

I believe until you are happy on your own you won't find the right one. If you are happy on your own you seem to set better standards because you know you can manage. Whereas if you constantly believe you need someone your standards dip

Badtasteflump · 20/01/2019 13:25

I think it's sad that so many women rely on a man for their happiness (and their money)

Absolutely this. The route to happiness - and contentment - is to make a life for yourself, not wait for a man to fix it for you. I was a single mum, no money, rented flat, no job. I trained to get qualified in a decent career, started working, made a humungous effort to make/keep friends and build a social life. It was hard but I was determined to be happy on my own, for various reasons.

A few years down the line I met DH and we’ve built a lovely life together, but I don’t think I could have done that without sorting out my ‘stuff’ and knowing I can be happy on my own first.

OllyBJolly · 20/01/2019 13:26

Yes - single, loads of debt, hated my job. Met DH when I was 44 and been together 13 years, married for 6. DCs adore him. He'd never married, no kids so no complications.

However, I loved lots about being single. I had a full on job, studying for a Masters, and was having fun just me and the DCs. Indeed, I wasn't even interested in getting into a relationship. Met DH randomly, and thought I'd go along with it for a wee while for a bit of fun. I love him dearly, but honestly believe that had we not met, I'd still be happy. Finding a partner is not the key to happiness.

funmummy48 · 20/01/2019 13:27

I was a single Mum of one and met a lovely man when she was 4. He was a single Dad.We've been together 23 years, married for 18 of them. We were both very "picky" and took it very slowly at first. It can happen!😉

Badtasteflump · 20/01/2019 13:27

Ha, perfect x-post with you dotcom

Somerville · 20/01/2019 13:28

Yep. After being widowed I was a lone mum, working long hours and with highly dependent kids. I met someone through work and with a bit of a handhold from Mumsnet, as it happens, I plucked up enough courage to respond to his interest.
He's witty and warm and gorgeous and we're now just boring old married people and I love it.

immortalmarble · 20/01/2019 13:29

It’s true that it’s better to build a life for yourself.

It’s also very hard to do, when all bills come from one salary.

Lushlemming · 20/01/2019 13:29

Juells

When you consider a potential partner you judge them also. And that judgement is based on consideration of negative and positive factors, combined you decide if the negatives outweigh the positives and make your decision from there.

You "score" potential partners also. So do I. My friend was juat being honest about he makes that judgment and what criteria he uses.

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2019 13:31

It’s also very hard to do, when all bills come from one salary

Absolutely. But shouldn’t be the driving force behind wanting a new partner.

PixiKitKat · 20/01/2019 13:37

@lushlemming, I'm like your male friends then! I had a checklist for men when I was dating. No children, they had to have jobs and not be living with their mother!
But I wonder, if because I'm woman, its more acceptable for me to state this than it is a man?

Tappyfeet92 · 20/01/2019 13:38

I was a single mum to do (6). I was homeless and eventually housed in social housing. I completed a degree while single and at points worked 3 jobs while doing so to keep us afloat.

I met my DP 15 months ago, we have a 3 month old son and are looking to buy a house once he manages to sell his flat (it's been on the market for about 9 months now with only one viewing so we might be a while!).

He's wonderfully kind, gentle and funny, and is more proactive with my eldest than his own dad is. I couldn't be happier and feel extremely lucky to have met him! Funnily we found we have loads of mutual friends through shared interests to boot, we must have crossed paths many times and not spoken before!

ChrisPrattsFace · 20/01/2019 13:39

Not me, my mother.
Me and my brother were really hard work - a single parent for many years with no help from my incredibly useless dad. She met my step dad and he’s truly amazing! Feel lucky that they found each other and for us all the be part of each other’s lives

NutElla5x · 20/01/2019 13:39

It’s also very hard to do, when all bills come from one salary
What about if the man you shack up with has 5 kids and hardly any money left after he's taken paid maintenance for them all and taken them for weekend days out?

Gwenhwyfar · 20/01/2019 13:41

"I have a few single male friends, mid 30s, all have said the same thing. "

They're still young enough that they could meet single women with no children. I think men a few years older might be more open to the fact that whoever they meet might already have children. The single men I've known in their 40s and 50s have been quite realistic about that.

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman · 20/01/2019 13:44

Reading with interest.
I'm divorced, have a long term partner of 7 years.
He refuses to plan any kind of future or life with me. Desperately wants to keep his house so his adult children can visit. Asks me all the time about how to decorate his house, which I find so insensitive.
Seriously thinking of cutting my losses and staying on my own, rather than the constant wondering and stressing about what's wrong with me.

OhioOhioOhio · 20/01/2019 13:46

Oh some of you have worked it all out. If you met someone how did you actually meet them?

Gwenhwyfar · 20/01/2019 13:47

"having kids was like having a CCJ, computer says no!

How any woman could be friends with a man who believes this is beyond me. "

Bit harsh. There are plenty of women who don't want to go out with men who've got children as well, and that's usually less complicated as the children are more likely to live with their mother.

cricketmum84 · 20/01/2019 13:51

@Gwenhwyfar yes I agree. My DSis is single and wouldn't contemplate dating a man with children. She doesn't like them and never wants any. This is accepted and respected yet a man not wanting to date a woman who has children is strung up!

tinytemper66 · 20/01/2019 13:54

Yes xx and still together over 30+years later

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