People that have been in Jail.

[firsttimedad79]

I was just reading another thread about someone who had been in jail and was surprised by the negativity.

It wasn't mentioned what he had been in for or anything, it just assumed he was a bad person.

I've been inside twice in my youth, but I wouldn't consider myself a bad person. I made mistakes when I was younger but it doesn't dictate who I am now.

AIBU in thinking people automatically assume your bad because you've done time?

I have just read the first few PrisonBag blogs. She blames the system for her children not seeing their father and says Chris Grayling deserves “a face full of PAVA” (which I’ve just learned is pepper spray).

Rather thuggish and not my sort of person!

People have a choice. They chose to keep reoffending despite the help they received inside and on release. Look at the Timpson case above. Three quarters of those given a chance decided to fuck it up

Exactly

As for the numbers saying "I was sentenced over a TV licence" ... well, it kind of goes with the territory doesn't it? It's a fair bet that many in prison will be dishonest since, if they weren't, they may not have been there in the first place

No, I'd give you a wide berth I'm afraid, I think you've managed to normalise it all in your head and I don't think I could bridge the gap. Something about it all doesn't add up either as pps have said. I wouldn't be rude but I'd not trust what you said. I'm not sure how long it would take before that feeling went away - I think we're all naturally more or less trustful and I've not really had reason to regret being cautious about things like this.

My best friend was in prison for 4 years and shes lovely. She does have a difficult past though. I'd not think someone who had done time was neccessarily a bad person but I would think something had gone on so it would be best to find out a bit more before trusting them.

What did she do, ribbonsonabox?

It depends on if I knew you before.
Depends what it was for.

She tried to kill some people including me. I cant really explaining detail because it would be very outing but she had addiction and mental health problems at the time. Shes like a totally different person now ten years later.

She does sound lovely!

No need for that, MsT, it's blatantly obvious she wasn't a well woman and ribbons has clearly forgiven her.

Sorry but how is someone “lovely” who has tried to kill her friend and others?!

I wouldn’t trust someone who had criminal convictions.
I don’t know anybody directly who has been in prison but found out 2 women (separate to each other and years apart in finding out events) had partners who were ex-cons.

The first one had an abusive, controlling boyfriend who she called police on, turns out he had a marker on him for ‘known to carry a gun’. He was als a known drug dealer. Despite all of this once I found out she took him back that was it for me.

The second set up home with a man who was then found guilty of historical rape of a minor. She stood by him and had children with him after he was released, apparently he is innocent and it’s all a mistake according to her (despite him being convicted and sentenced to 6 years). I still cut her out of my life as couldn’t trust her for being so gullible and lying for him. Only recently he was back in the local press for a hit and run, He was then found to be in breach of his SOR.

Would you trust either of these men?

@BeverlyHillsCop there's a huge difference between someone like my DH with a conviction for a minor public order offence when he was 19 and the two examples you give. And yes I do know what mine was convicted of - not only was I in court when he pleaded guilty, it was me who read his case file that morning and advised him to plead (I was 18, studying law and thought I knew it all of course!). I also went with him as he paid his fine. Same thing a decade later when he rang me to ask what he should do when he was picked up for drink driving - plead guilty, apologise for bring an utter moron, take the car and motorbike off the road the day before you go to court and accept the fine and ban like a grown up. He did. I couldn't go to court that time though.

I wouldn’t trust someone who had criminal convictions - I'm an ex-copper, and I do trust lots of people with a record. Their record, however, will depend on whether I trust them and what I would trust them with. Would I ever trust a dealer, an abuser, or someone on the sex offenders register? Not a chance.

MotorcycleMayhem Drink driving for me would be a deal breaker. If you had a child in the family killed by someone who thought it was alright to drive because they’d just “had a couple” you would probably feel the same. Selfish and arrogant people drink drive.

Public order and a drinki driving conviction? What a catch.

And he had to ring you to ask what to do when he was caught? Why? Tell the truth of course. Was he thinking of lying if he could get away with it?

To ask me for advice on the process, because he's hardly au fait with court whereas I was there at least twice a week.

He was a twat outside a nightclub aged 19. He wqs charged with S.5 public order - or as my old Sgt used to call it, "talking when he should have been listening". Plenty of people get charged with this every day. It means nothing as a one off as long as it's truly a one off. I've known DH for 23 years since we were children at school. We didn't get together until we were in our 30s.

The drink driving is inexcusable, and I've seen plenty of it in my career. I've also met the bereaved families. No doubt I would feel differently if he had caused harm. He is, however, someone who has learned from his actions and is not repeating and has not been his actions ever again.

Does that mean you condemn the man forever?

Sorry but how is someone “lovely” who has tried to kill her friend and others?!

This is mumsnet. Competitive martyrdom. Attempted murder is fine but being rude at the schoolgate makes you a monster.

Honestly Ribbonsonabox sounds like a mug. Which is generally what I see from people who brag about how "forgiving" they are.

You dont know anything about me. I forgave that person because she was sorry and because she turned her life around. I'm not a 'forgiving' person nor am I a martyr, but I am a decent human being who respects people that are genuinely sorry and put the effort into sorting themselves out. I've known her over a decade now and she is a lovely person who has been there for me and been a good friend.
I stand by my decision to forgive her for the bad choices she made when we were young.
People make mistakes. Sometimes they do horrendous things but it's something to be admired when people divert from the terrible paths they were travelling down and make the decision to be better people. I dont think you can ever truly write anyone completely off. Especially if they were/are very young.

Plenty of people get charged with this every day.

I have never known anyone who has been arrested or charged with this. Your social circle, your idea of normal, is different to mine.

As for the drink driving, yes, condemned for ever. I don’t mean locked up for ever, I mean I think people like that are selfish and ignorant and always will. For ever. He never drinks and drives again? Well whoopy doo, isn’t he the clever one 🙄.

Calling you because you are au fait with the process (lucky for someone who breaks the law) to ask what to do (aka “can I get away with it” because it’s obvious what to do, you were breathalysed, you’re guilty, admit it) is the sign of a dishonest person.

Doesn’t it impact your job being married to him?

MotorcycleMayhem

You sound as if advising him to plead guilty to the crimanal acts he performed is a wonderful thing you both should be praised for!

Ribbonsonabox
You dont know anything about me.

Only what you choose to post. You sounded so overly proud that you were best friends with an ex addict who'd tried to kill you. I stand by the fact that you sound like exactly the kind of person I'd expect to have ex con mates.

It's funny. If she were a male friend or male ex partner would you be spreading this jaunty anecdote around? My exh dh is an ex addict and he tried to kill me but now we're best friends! Or would you be embarrassed that people would think you still needed the freedom programme?

Overly proud? I posted on a thread in which the op asks about our relationship with people who have been in jail with what I thought was relevant to the subject. What have I actually said which implies I am 'overly proud'? I think you are being overly defensive and hostile tbh.
'Jaunty anecdote' lolz

My ex actually did try to kill me for what it's worth and I moved across the country and cut all contact with him. Because hes a violent abusive bastard. Not someone who made a mistake (albeit a horrific one) then did their time, directly apologised to me and backed up that apology by adressing thier problems with the help of professionals, never behaving that way again and living a decent life.

No, I don't agree, @vuripadexo it's not the same as having a violent partner. This isn't a controlling relationship, it's a friendship where one of them hurt the other very badly when they were mentally unwell, and their friend has chosen freely to forgive them. There's nothing in what this poster has said that suggests that the friend is in any way abusive now.

I have been in prison, I was driving through traffic lights I was doing 38 in a 30, and hit a cyclist who had jumped a red light, no lights, no hi vis clothing, no helmet, was dark. He died and I was sent to prison for 4 years.
Before this I had never been in trouble with police, owned my own business and house, single mother to a 4yo. Not a day has gone by where I haven't cried for him, the immense guilt and pain I feel has at some points been too overwhelming. 12 years later and it has still never gone away. I've not been in any trouble since being released I will add.
I am not surprised by people's reactions but it is hurtful, I punish myself enough for the part I played, I don't need anyone else's judgemental comments to make me feel bad.
Not all people in prison are bad, I was in with a girl who killed her abuser and got 10 years, a pregnant woman who was in a nearly identical position to me, but her dh was killed in the crash when she swerved to avoid a cyclist who had jumped a red light.
For all of you judging take a step back, it's too easy to find yourself in the position I did.

cani

I often think that when I read about serious driving offences, if we’re behind the wheel of a car we could all make a mistake which could be deemed criminal and kill someone. There but for the grace of god and all that

it's too easy to find yourself in the position I did

No it’s not! If it were “easy” to kill someone like that, people would be locked up for it all the time. It’s never happened to me, but then I don’t speed or text or drink while driving...

If it had been an accident (all too easy) you wouldn’t have been jailed. And even now you are trying to minimise... the dead cyclist wasn’t wearing a helmet, no hi vis jacket, no lights, jumped a light...