AIBU for not telling DH my first love has returned?

[sarah2014]

Okay first thread so bare with me I’m new to all this but have no idea who else to ask
Long story short 10years ago I thought I met a guy I was madly in love with, first proper bf first intimate partner etc, we only dated for 2 years when we decided to marry, however one day way before the wedding day he TEXT me saying he doesn’t love me anymore, I took the break up really badly didn’t get into a relationship for a good 3 years after this (when I met current DH) for obvious trust issues
Met DH 3 years later we are now married with 2 kids everything is great, we have good steady jobs we own a lovely house and financially are settled.
Now out for the blue I get an email from my ex, he says he really really wants to meet me he’s tried searching for me on all social networks (I use my married name hence why he hasn’t found me) and he’s managed to get my email through an old acquaintance he didn’t mention who.
He explains he’s been in jail and did a lot of thinking and how he treated me and through all 10years it’s only ever been me he’s truly loved.
I haven’t replied
I haven’t told DH
What do I do?

“What do I do?”

Sad that you even have to ask. I feel for your husband.

Please ignore it. Don't even acknowledge it. You have children and a DH who loves you. Don't risk that. I speak from experience. My ex found me on fb. I had a fleeting moment of temptation then pressed delete.

Or if you absolutely must then tell DH and invite ex over for a cuppa to meet him.

I can understand why you'd need closure but I think it would be a mistake to do any other than pressing the delete button and blocking his emails. I'd also reset all your privacy settings on any social media accounts.

Tell DH at once! Then delete and block.

Rarely are Mumsnet WWYD? questions so easy to answer. Now ask me one on art & literature.

If I had a situation like this I can't say THE first place I would think to post is on a new forum.

Its a bit odd OP

Lol OP has posted twice on this whole thread. Wondering what you forgot dripfed the details about the photos.

Sorry for the late reply things have really escalated, I told DH about everything last night and showed him the emails, he was sickened at the thought of what my ex is doing or planning to do with those pictures. He’s also very pissed off about who gave my details out I contacted everyone we were mutual freinds with and everyone is saying they would never do that, so now I’m doubting people I thought were freinds or he’s lying and managed to get my email someelse way.

Before we went to bed I hadn’t received anything else from him so we decided to leave and not do anything and see what happens. Anyway this morning I get a call on my mobile a new Number not saved so I answered, and it was him. As soon as I heard his voice i put it down DH was with me at the time. He text straight away saying he means no harm doesn’t expect me to take him back but wants a chance to explain and “be freinds!?!?!?”. We’ve blocked the number and DH is currently speaking to his old colleague who joined the police force recently for advice on what to do next.
I’ve read a lot of posts with people implying I wanted to get back with him, I started the thread for advice really on telling DH, I admit part of me instantly had the curiously to purely see why now he messaged, what he did to land in prison and to see what he had to say, I DEFINITELY did not consider at any point to meet him, I guess weirdly in a way I wanted closure for something I never had.

Oh that’s unfair. The OP has not been ‘dripfeeding’, she has updated and given info pertinent to the situation.

OP would you feel able to tell your family he’s back in the area where they live? And to be very clear with them that if they are contacted by him they need to be very careful not to give any information away about you, that would help you find him, like your married name or the area in which you now live.

I’d take his last email very seriously and reply clearly stating that you find his email threatening in tone as you’ve already told him you do not wish to be contacted, please stop immediately.

That way you can take it to the police if he contacts you again afterwards. I know the police often ask the person being harassed to contact their harassed again to say clearly they want them to stop, before they’ll get involved, so this way you’ve already done it.

I know that probably seems an over reaction but in this case I don’t think you should mess around. This man does not sound pleasant at all.

I would also tell your lovely husband. You do not want this horrible man from the past ruining your nice stable life in the present.

You have too much to lose.

So glad you told your dh, and that he has spoken to his police friend. What a scary bloke.

Ah crossed posts.

I’m so glad you told your dh. Well done :)

And sorry he’s escalating... see my previous post for my suggestions on what to do. I really would just send a last message being clear you find his behaviour threatening / harassing and it needs to stop.

Plus:
Get it in writing as much as you can, texts and emails. Keep phone records and all texts/ mails etc, don’t delete anything! Forwards on to a new email account or phone number if that helps you mentally not be bothered by him.

Don’t block or delete as that stops you having evidence to get help from police should you need it.

And don’t hesitate to get police involved sooner rather than later if you are feeling harassed. They can at least go ‘have a word’ with him, and if he’s telling the truth about having come out of prison determines to get his life straight, the last thing he’ll be wanting is to get into hot water because of this. Hopefully that would be enough to stay away.

I hope you’re feeling ok. Don’t panic too much, hopefully this can be sorted out quickly, and he’ll go away as quickly as he came.

Advice DH has received keep log of everything for now, he hasn’t yet actually used those pictures as a threat or confirmed he’s talking about them, by saying “all” doesn’t mean anything legally and also he hasn’t posed a threat YET. I’ve been told to send an email stating clearly I do not want any more contact and I will contact police on harrasment charges if he makes any attempt at contact again. If he makes contact again then to report with police immediately but to reply to any further message and we’ve blocked number and email address now I’ve sent the final email.
I am really really pissed off he’s got my number and someone is obviously feeding him info as I’ve only had this number for 2 years, there are literally only around 7 people who have this number who knew him back then and who I’m still in contact with but all have denied having contact with him. Can anyone think of a way I can possibly find out? It has to be one of the 7/8!!!!
I haven’t been dripfeeding, I have 2 little boys to take care of inbetween all this madness as well, sorry.

OP, this seems like a strange situation for you!
I am glad you told your DH!
I think now, any contact from him you tell your DH instantly! You both need to remain calm - you have both been calm so far, don't let that change!
If there is anymore contact, be straight and say you have moved on and you wish for him to stop contacting you.
Keep a note of any attempts in contacting you, just in case it does become a matter you need to report.

Ooh xpost, yep, logging all is a good start

DH has also asked what he was in prison for...his freind is looking into it! Not sure if he will definitely share but DH has asked!

Ps

I’d have been very curious too, if someone I’d been so close to in the past and had unfinished business with, just contacted me out of the blue. But it’s playing with fire, not just because they could turn out to be a crazy obsessed psycho (Obviously that’s not your fault!), but because opening those doors into the past could hurt what you’ve got now in the present.

Unless you are sufficiently emotionally distant from it all that you can engage without it digging up a whole load of emotional gumph, I’d have advised you to leave it where in belongs... in the past. Whether or not I’d be strong enough to take my own advice or not? I’m not sure! I think it makes a difference what you’re current situation is, in your case you have a lovely new love to focus on, which makes it easier, whereas I’m currently single, so don’t have a healthy relationship to ground me and remind me of what I have to lose. X

Typo in last message, he’s advised NOT to reply to any messages if he tries another email/number to contact.
DH has been soo supportive, I’ve noticed a lot of people are judging me for not telling him earlier, I won’t go into too much detail but from the moment we got together to now he’s had to deal with a lot because of me, I was sexually assaulted by someone at work during a party 2 years ago, I suffered severe complications after my latest birth which resulted in hysterectomy and long term medical care DH had to handle everything and in between this time he was made redundant but luckily managed to secure employment quickly through his old employer. He has dealt with so much crap and I’ve been the centre of a lot of it, honestly love him to bits and he is one of a kind and when this email came through I thought about telling him and my mind was just thinking it’s ANOTHER thing DH has to deal with. I didn’t ask for the email I didn’t ask to be sexually assaulted and I definitely didn’t want a hysterectomy but at the same time everyone has a breaking point and what if this was his
Foundation of our marriage is trust we’ve both said from start once we lose that we have nothing, so ultimately that’s why I told him despite it being another thing for us to deal with.

I’ve told my family, they hated him more than I did after what he did and would not hesitate in calling police if he turned up on their door. They are also concerned though how he is getting my details, this is worrying me most.

Delete and ignore

What a silly question!!! Don't throw your life away

How did he get your phone number?

MummyofTw0 How about RTFT?

Inspectorlkmen Also RTFT! The OP has been trying in vain to find that out. Everyone's denying it.

So many people not RTFT. She is not tempted, this is not someone she needs to reply to.

I had similar with an ex, luckily no photos, but I recall the first contact, not wanting to over react, followed by the realisation he was a nasty sod. It's tough but you sound like you have a lot of RL support and advice. Hope he realises this soon and leaves you alone

0 — 200 in 5 posts. OK then

Gosh! Things are escalating so quickly! You must hate all this drama - I know would!

Are your mutual friends on any form of social media? Check their friends lists. He'll be there somewhere, then you'll have your mole.

I'm so glad your husband is being so supportive. Be kind to yourself