DH is antagonsing me to the point I'm going mad.

[Clemetipops]

I am organised and like to plan, DH is the opposite, which is fine. We have 2 young children who aren't sleeping so we are trying to work in shifts all managed and organised by me of course. I am trying to protect everyones sleep, but giving DH a larger chunk of unbroken sleep than myself as he has a full-time, demanding job.

Sometimes, if the baby is up a lot more during my shift and his bigger chunk of sleep, I might wake him 20 minutes or so earlier than usual to take over, particularly if he's had a chunk of 7-8 hours sleep, which he does sometimes get if the baby doesn't wake during his shift. The most ever I get in one chunk is 4-5 hours of sleep as I feed the baby myself.

I am however despairing now as he will not organise/plan our sleeping shifts but is constantly finding fault in what I'm doing. Last night he woke me to say
"it's your turn to go in to the baby"
I said "not for half an hour yet."
"You woke me 20 mins earlier than my time this morning."
I just want to cry.
Wtf?!
He always gets much more sleep than me which I'm trying to protect but he behaves like a rebellious teenager over the slightest adjustment.

This is telling of our lives full stop.
I organise and plan everything whilst he finds snags/short-cuts/loop holes with everything I do. I plan our meals/do the food shop and order online for ease and he will find fault and criticise what I buy/how much I spend etc and tells me I need to find time in the day to shop at Aldi with the baby who never stops crying. I tell him I can't face it and I get disapproving looks. He says he is happy to do the food shop at weekends but always comes home without shampoo/toothpaste/ cleaning products but will brag about how little he spends in a food shop.
I do all the correspondence with our eldest child's nursery, but he will intervene if he doesnt agree with something. I feel hes watching my every move like a hawk, whilst taking on nothing himself. He refuses to clean the house and says it is not necesary to clean (wtf!) So I hired a cleaner to do it instead and he harps on about how much money I am wasting on her. He never says he expects me to do it, but this is obvious. I tell him I can't manage it myself, the house is too large for me to keep clean all by myself and yet he refuses to downsize.

I try to leave the planning to him and he does nothing or tells me he needs direction. I think he is subtly and antagonistically trying to control every thing. I feel like I'm actually losing my mind.
I want to punch him so hard at times. I am trying so hard to make family life work as smoothly as possible but he wants to criticise/question or even just do his own thing. I always feel he has his own hidden agenda.

I can't live like this anymore and my anger is bubbling away so much so that I'm actually worried I might lash out and hurt him.

I know some posters will tell me to give him more responsibility over stuff but it's genuinely more hassle than it's worth. I have tried this so many times. We would all end up eating chips at every meal with no vegetables on our plates and washing our hair with hand soap.

What do I do?

I'm disgusted at how this thread has gone. @almutasakieun (and socks) should be ashamed, speaking to a vulnerable woman in such a disgusting way. I posted on AIBU when I had bad PND - thankfully everyone was very supportive because I couldn't have coped with anything even close to the vicious nastiness being doled out. Disgusting. I hope you get banned, tbh.

OP, have you discussed this with your counsellor? It's very hard for us to know how much of this is your (obviously a bit useless and selfish) DH being truly abusive and how much of it could be PND. I say that as someone who has been through it myself and knows how it colours your interactions. Regardless, he is being completely useless and not supporting you at all at a difficult time of your life. I'm astounded at his behaviour. I have to say, I agree with PPs who say it sounds like the relationship is over - do you still love him? Do you want to make it work? Or do you just feel trapped?

I will say I think I'm the DH in my relationship - I think good enough is good enough, will sort things when I get to them etc, and my other half does everything to his own high standards before I ever even think about it. For balance I posted about the struggles I had with him and everyone said HE was he abusive one, so as far as that goes I think there's a lot in the interpretation.

The point isn't if he's abusive or she is really. The point is they are not compatible and she isn't happy. So if either is abusive or neither is, no-one isn't benefited by ending this relationship.

I don’t understand the “he is working, you are at home all day” argument, as though the op is sitting on a chaise longue in a negligee eating chocs while he works down the mine.
I have done a variety of jobs and looking after tiny children is shattering in comparison. I hate that what women do to bring up children and keep a home running is considered of no value because it isn’t paid.
OP he sounds like one of those men who controls by refusing to do things, so that if they are essential the other person picks up the slack and then gets told that it is their choice.
He needs to grow up and pull his weight so that both of you get a manageable amount of sleep, for a start.

@almut

It's like MN bingo here today

Why are you commenting, you have nothing useful to add. Have you not heard the saying "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing"? I realise she was not asking for niceness but an opinion, but you are just being spiteful.

The majority of the posters on this thread have said you are not being helpful. Are we all snowflakes and you the only sane one? Think about it.

I had somehow missed the bit about him watching you. That sounds really horrible op. As though he is trying to control everything about you while pretending that he is the relaxed one, and you the over bearing.
Now i have read that it all sounds dreadfully like manipulation and I think you need to talk to someone alone, someone experienced in coercive control, and then see how you feel about staying in the relationship.

OP

may I summarise?

he's an absolute arse and you would be better alone. Summon all the support you can - Women's Aid, Freedom Programme etc

you are so exhausted it will be hard to see but you will be better without him

If we're allowed to play MN bingo, is handmaiden bingo also allowed.

Why not just do it yourself?
Men don't see mess.
[chore] takes two minutes.
He works hard.
I managed with no sleep/one leg/no help/while actually dead.

MN is far too quick to shout “abuse”.

To me, this just sounds like a couple who had very different ways of living in the first place, now under a lot of stain because of kids.

You’re clearly winding each other up. I think you’ll both need to compromise to work though it. Or split up.

almut sounds bitter, jealous and slightly unhinged.
The OP says she has bad dreams about her H watching her. Something is not right here.

There is a difference between functioning at paid work and a sahm on lack of sleep. As a sahm you are in control other than regular feeding/nappy changes other jobs can be done as badly or as well as you like. Especially with a cleaner and online shopping you can grab rest when baby . From what you have posted yabu but having a baby is hard work and it's hard to see the wood from the trees.

This is abusive behaviour. It is all about control.

OP, please read these abuser profiles, in particular "The Demand Man" - does any of this resonate with you? m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

You need to get away from this man. Please try and contact Women's Aid.

If I had that shit going on when dd1 was 3 and dd2 was 6 months - which they were in 2013 I would have stabbed my exh while he slept.

A lot of people have said they believe I have PND again.
Can I ask why?

I think almut has made some very valid points actually.

The Op started her post with “I am organised and like to plan and DH is the opposite” Children like routine but you can’t make them sleep through the night, wake up ready to follow your “plan” or be cheery everyday, especially a non verbal six month old.
DH is at work all day. He is just as entitled to sleep, be with kids, do housework etc but has less hours to do it in.
Finding fault is not saying to someone “ it’s your turn to do the baby” when he has to be at work at a specific time. You are quibbling over half an hour when you may get sleep when the baby naps.

Maybe you do have PND. But you can’t change other people only you and your responses. So go to the GP and put DH in the spare room so he doesn’t annoy you and you can sleep with the baby and just do the feeds on your own terms.

I didn't say that, but I think it's worth getting it ruled out. PND might alter your perceptions of things and it is difficult for us to know everything that is going on. (Someone above set out a detailed list of how each of his behaviours sound horrible but it could instead be how you are interpreting things).

Though he sounds difficult and controlling based on what you have said, if you have a history of PND it seems sensible to check into this. It sounds like you need support anyway because you're clearly having trouble coping.

Fwiw it does seem quite possible to me that he may be financially and emotionally abusive.

Do you like being married to him?

I suggested PND because you're like me when I had PND (you've had it yourself, but when you're in it, you can't see the wood for the trees).
I was so stressed.
Everything had to be perfect.
I pushed everyone away.
I was so tired. I couldn't sleep I was that tired!
I couldn't see that people were just being normal.
I felt as if everyone was against me.
I felt like I was going mad (you have that in your title).

I know you don't want it, but you know that if you have it, you're better off getting treatment sooner rather than later.
Otherwise, you can suffer in your head. And drive (a seemingly gormless but considerate) husband away.

It's Saturday night. Can you talk to your husband? Is he home now?

And I know I'm the last one you want to listen to, so I'm hoping other people will post so that you can ignore me.

I'm on your side believe it or not.

I can only talk about how PND presented for me. I'm aware that it presents differently to some people.
But I was the typical rabbit caught in the headlights. I was functioning on caffeine and adrenaline.
I could not sleep. Nothing was being done right. I had had a massive bleed and my cousins had come in and bleached the floors (laminate), and in so doing destroyed them.
I was eating digestive biscuits and cheddar cheese. I couldn't cook, because I couldn't get a second off the breast.

I switched to formula. I had no choice really. I was diagnosed with PND and was feeling normal in a few weeks.
I was insane though for those few months.
I had one aunt who would bring me in cooked dinners. I think she kept me alive. My mother couldn't deal with me and was putting pressure on me to take the baby for a night.
I very nearly drove myself insane.

But I can read what you're writing in a clear mind. And I think your husband just doesn't know what to be doing. He doesn't realise that him suggested cost cutting measures is driving you over the edge.

You're both tired beyond reason. Make a GP appointment Monday. Until then, talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. He doesn't sound like an arsehole. He sounds like a typical man. Who loves you.

If someone stood in a window and watched me backing out of a drive I'd probably crash, and I'm a good driver. That's a horrible thing to do.

At best he just doesnt get it. At worse he knows exactly what he is doing and its abusive. Just do the online order. If he complains you say it works for me. But i thought we agreed youd go to aldi? That doesnt work for me. And yes when youve got 2 small dc you have to be organised so I dont understand why people are calling you controlling.

Lack of sleep is a killer. Does the 3yo still wake in the night? Would you consider giving a bottle before bed? I found that ds would sleep for 6 hrs on a bottle and 4 on the boob. Dd wouldnt take a bottle.

Me too Juells

But if my DH watched me reversing everyday, I'd also ask him why he keeps watching me because it's weird and freaks me out. And then he'd stop.

The fact the OP can't ask him to stop, or that he persists, is a concern.

I suggested PND because
A. You've had it before
B. Your husband is an ass and that can put strain on you causing PND to resurface
C. You remind me of myself when I had PND. A thread of upset and hopelessness underlies your posts. It's mainly just a feeling.

@mutt, stop talking.