DH is antagonsing me to the point I'm going mad.

[Clemetipops]

I am organised and like to plan, DH is the opposite, which is fine. We have 2 young children who aren't sleeping so we are trying to work in shifts all managed and organised by me of course. I am trying to protect everyones sleep, but giving DH a larger chunk of unbroken sleep than myself as he has a full-time, demanding job.

Sometimes, if the baby is up a lot more during my shift and his bigger chunk of sleep, I might wake him 20 minutes or so earlier than usual to take over, particularly if he's had a chunk of 7-8 hours sleep, which he does sometimes get if the baby doesn't wake during his shift. The most ever I get in one chunk is 4-5 hours of sleep as I feed the baby myself.

I am however despairing now as he will not organise/plan our sleeping shifts but is constantly finding fault in what I'm doing. Last night he woke me to say
"it's your turn to go in to the baby"
I said "not for half an hour yet."
"You woke me 20 mins earlier than my time this morning."
I just want to cry.
Wtf?!
He always gets much more sleep than me which I'm trying to protect but he behaves like a rebellious teenager over the slightest adjustment.

This is telling of our lives full stop.
I organise and plan everything whilst he finds snags/short-cuts/loop holes with everything I do. I plan our meals/do the food shop and order online for ease and he will find fault and criticise what I buy/how much I spend etc and tells me I need to find time in the day to shop at Aldi with the baby who never stops crying. I tell him I can't face it and I get disapproving looks. He says he is happy to do the food shop at weekends but always comes home without shampoo/toothpaste/ cleaning products but will brag about how little he spends in a food shop.
I do all the correspondence with our eldest child's nursery, but he will intervene if he doesnt agree with something. I feel hes watching my every move like a hawk, whilst taking on nothing himself. He refuses to clean the house and says it is not necesary to clean (wtf!) So I hired a cleaner to do it instead and he harps on about how much money I am wasting on her. He never says he expects me to do it, but this is obvious. I tell him I can't manage it myself, the house is too large for me to keep clean all by myself and yet he refuses to downsize.

I try to leave the planning to him and he does nothing or tells me he needs direction. I think he is subtly and antagonistically trying to control every thing. I feel like I'm actually losing my mind.
I want to punch him so hard at times. I am trying so hard to make family life work as smoothly as possible but he wants to criticise/question or even just do his own thing. I always feel he has his own hidden agenda.

I can't live like this anymore and my anger is bubbling away so much so that I'm actually worried I might lash out and hurt him.

I know some posters will tell me to give him more responsibility over stuff but it's genuinely more hassle than it's worth. I have tried this so many times. We would all end up eating chips at every meal with no vegetables on our plates and washing our hair with hand soap.

What do I do?

Sounds really exhausting x

Rachelle

He doesn’t want a cleaner but won’t clean

He wants OP to do shopping during day in Aldi not get an online shop, why?

He cares about his own sleep & needs but not his wife’s.

It’s subtle but it’s unkind and not the way a caring partner behaves. He knows how much lack of order & planning affects her & he does it anyway & perhaps deliberately. This is where the problem is.

I think you need to talk to Womens Aid and other organisations as he sounds like a gaslighting arsehole.

Typical DARVO and reversals and double standards. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The lazier and more childish he is, the more you have organise to compensate, and get desperate for his help. Yet it makes you seem the controlling one. Some people/ men delight in doing this.

I think you need to look carefully at your options for the future. Don't let him know, just get advice and plan

Being obstructive all the term is a form of controlling behaviour Clemetipops and it's infuriating. My last husband did it all the time, no matter what I did he had to object to it and argue the toss and quite frankly he was lucky he didn't get a le creuset round the back of the head.
It's absolutely exhausting and nobody needs that.

You do indeed sound all me me me me me me.

Lol @almut that’s exactly what I was thinking about you

I think you are very tired and every single issue gets magnified as a result of that. You are in a bubble of exhaustion and anger and he is the nearest to lash out on. I totally understand you. You trying to improve situation but don't feel like he is appreciating or helping. At the same time I also think he is probably very overwhelmed with new changes in your life and finds it hard to adjust and understand whats going on. He probably feels that he has secondary responsibility since you know better re baby and managing everything like shifts for example. You also probably have higher standards whereas his is probably 'will do for now'. He doesn't understand the logic behind what you do or expect from him as he is not you. I think you both need to talk and express how the situation or the things that you both doing make you feel rather than blaming each other for lack of understanding or support. It is easier to sympathise with someone rather than take criticism or blame if you see what I mean. You also need to make things explicitly clear as far as shopping is concerned or accept washing your hair with handsoap as he is clearly doesn't have a clue what he is doing and what needs to be bought/done. Don't expect him to know or assume what you mean, make it clear. I am not saying that all this is you, but in order to save your union for the sake of your child you both need to compromise and take this hard time of babyhood as a phase that you both need to embrace and support each other rather. You may be doing that hardest bit of it all and trying to manage your best with him in mind so you should explain this to him from your perspective but don't blame as you will end up arguing. This is so familiar to me, I can only sympathise and give you a virtual hug, but things will get easier and hopefully it will make you both stronger as a couple

There's "flexible" and then there's being a lazy-at-home fucker who likes to complain about how everything is done but will never do anything himself. So he won't clean because he doesn't see it needs doing - literally, doesn't think it needs to be done. He wants the OP, who is coping on not very much sleep at night, to take a screaming baby and a toddler to Aldi, rather than shop online, because it's "cheaper". He goes to buy FOOD himself but can't be arsed to buy cleaning products because he can't see the need for them.

He wants the OP to TELL him what to do at all times, thus removing his need to ever think about it, and putting more load on the OP, despite her lack of sleep, PND and looking after the baby and toddler.

He's behaving like a stroppy child himself - and yet somehow the OP is at fault?

Just to get a gauge of his behaviour. If you said, "I'm not dragging the kids around Aldi but I'm happy to either online shop or you shop. If you miss items, though, I'm ordering them online." What would he say/do?

This thread is batshit!

OP, isn't it possible for you to leave the DC with your DH whilst you go shopping?
You'd get what you want and wouldn't have crying children with you.

Some of the posters on here need to read this to understand how draining the OP's husband is being on her. www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

Should point out that it's not just working mothers who have to deal with the mental load.

Seriously Blueberry RTFT.

It’s not only about the weekly shop. It’s about EVERYTHING in their lives that needs doing & organising and him being obstructionist constantly.

That he is not as organised as you is not fine though, is it, not at all fine. Maybe as a first step be honest with yourself about that.

But the OP has stated that she LIKES being organised. Clearly the DH has different values.
So she is willingly taking on this micromanagement. And far from himself being controlling, he is accepting it.
She has had counselling (ongoing if I've read correctly) where the possibility of OCD has been explored and dismissed.
The DH probably doesn't have the same standards, but he is trying to find solutions. They are not acceptable to the OP.
It's a bit of a stalemate, but in no way does the DH come across as controlling in what information the OP has provided. Just that he can't actually understand her.

Get you each a basic FitBit or similar which logs your sleep and activity so he can actually see why you are worn out.

This is one thread where l would love to here the OP's DH's side of the story and his point of view....

He sounds awful. He's not making you happy - he's doing the very opposite. He says he wants to be 'managed' but then finds fault with everything? He watches you all the time? WTF?

What are the good things about him?

Don't do couples counselling with him.

I'd ignore almutasakieun; they post very odd things sometimes.

My initial thoughts from the op were that you do sound like it's all very regimented op. I think you are probably doing what you feel you have to to keep on top of it all. But, personally I feel you need to let go a bit. Let the consequences of things going a bit wrong happen. You say you have to organise him - you don't, give him some things to do. It's not the end of the world it is doesn't go swimmingly to plan. I think that's what some posters have touched upon, as it does come across a bit like you won't handle it if things aren't exactly right.

I mean that with kindness but I recognise some of you in myself and I learnt to let go and ride a bit of a chaos wave more and it helped so much. Try not to catastrophisize.

I don't think your husband sounds abusive. In the kindest possible way I think you've become a bit obsessed with fitting his behaviour into the abuse notion. It sounds like you're naturally very organised and need to be. It may not have malicious routes but this in itself is a need for control. It must feel a little stifling to your DH. Had your communication broke down? He may be quietly resentful of you and its coming out in the ways you are describing and you're obviously resentful of him. Would he be willing to talk? If your actually frightened of your own husband looming over you at night though? Once again without sounding judgey it does sound like you're a little paranoid. Like the car reversing business? Is he not just seeing you off out of the window? My DH does. (probably so he knows he's definitely got the green light to open up the laptop and bash one off ) when I was exhausted and sleep deprived I got quite paranoid and fixated on things. If you really are worried he's abusive maybe describe some of his behaviour to your counsellor and see what they think.

If someone told me I had to trail round a supermarket with a 3yo and a baby to save a few pounds, I'd agree. But I'd insist on doing it on a Saturday or Sunday, while they minded the grizzly baby and the toddler. And I'd take an extra hour to grab a coffee somewhere and read the papers while I was at it. And if they didn't like that it took so long, they'd be going themselves.

The way your DH is behaving seems to be undermining you really badly, OP, and I can see how people think that's bordering on abusive. I think it's ridiculous to expect you to clean a large house and go out to shop when you have 2 demanding youngsters AND can afford a cleaner and online shopping. I think he can't have much of an idea how demanding a toddler and a baby can be.

I wonder if there might be merit in suggesting couples counselling, as neither of you seem to be happy and you can't seem to find a way of reconciling these issues? The sleep shift arrangement plainly isn't working.

Have you explained to him how demoralising his constant criticism is?

I also think you should consider the possibility of PND and speak to your doctor.

Hope you manage to find a way through this.

The DH probably doesn't have the same standards, but he is trying to find solutions

His solution to cleaning is literally to not clean. His solution to food shopping is for OP to take a crying baby to the shop. And OP is at fault for not accepting these solutions? So she just has to accept his hostility and criticism, or live in a midden?

The drip drip drip of criticism gets to you. You're trying to manage for everyone and take control but you're always braced for the inevitable nit-picking that follows. When you object, you get gaslit.

OP, based on your updates, he seems vindictive. I think it's becoming PND as well which will make everything seem 100 times worse. Do you have any family support nearby?