DH is antagonsing me to the point I'm going mad.

[Clemetipops]

I am organised and like to plan, DH is the opposite, which is fine. We have 2 young children who aren't sleeping so we are trying to work in shifts all managed and organised by me of course. I am trying to protect everyones sleep, but giving DH a larger chunk of unbroken sleep than myself as he has a full-time, demanding job.

Sometimes, if the baby is up a lot more during my shift and his bigger chunk of sleep, I might wake him 20 minutes or so earlier than usual to take over, particularly if he's had a chunk of 7-8 hours sleep, which he does sometimes get if the baby doesn't wake during his shift. The most ever I get in one chunk is 4-5 hours of sleep as I feed the baby myself.

I am however despairing now as he will not organise/plan our sleeping shifts but is constantly finding fault in what I'm doing. Last night he woke me to say
"it's your turn to go in to the baby"
I said "not for half an hour yet."
"You woke me 20 mins earlier than my time this morning."
I just want to cry.
Wtf?!
He always gets much more sleep than me which I'm trying to protect but he behaves like a rebellious teenager over the slightest adjustment.

This is telling of our lives full stop.
I organise and plan everything whilst he finds snags/short-cuts/loop holes with everything I do. I plan our meals/do the food shop and order online for ease and he will find fault and criticise what I buy/how much I spend etc and tells me I need to find time in the day to shop at Aldi with the baby who never stops crying. I tell him I can't face it and I get disapproving looks. He says he is happy to do the food shop at weekends but always comes home without shampoo/toothpaste/ cleaning products but will brag about how little he spends in a food shop.
I do all the correspondence with our eldest child's nursery, but he will intervene if he doesnt agree with something. I feel hes watching my every move like a hawk, whilst taking on nothing himself. He refuses to clean the house and says it is not necesary to clean (wtf!) So I hired a cleaner to do it instead and he harps on about how much money I am wasting on her. He never says he expects me to do it, but this is obvious. I tell him I can't manage it myself, the house is too large for me to keep clean all by myself and yet he refuses to downsize.

I try to leave the planning to him and he does nothing or tells me he needs direction. I think he is subtly and antagonistically trying to control every thing. I feel like I'm actually losing my mind.
I want to punch him so hard at times. I am trying so hard to make family life work as smoothly as possible but he wants to criticise/question or even just do his own thing. I always feel he has his own hidden agenda.

I can't live like this anymore and my anger is bubbling away so much so that I'm actually worried I might lash out and hurt him.

I know some posters will tell me to give him more responsibility over stuff but it's genuinely more hassle than it's worth. I have tried this so many times. We would all end up eating chips at every meal with no vegetables on our plates and washing our hair with hand soap.

What do I do?

ODFOD @mutt

Hi OP it sounds like a situation that is making you both miserable. It's probably hard for others to help from a distance as the full dynamics of a relationship are difficult to get in a few posts.

The important thing is you're not happy, and you feel he criticises you all the time, and you have quite opposite views on things like cleaning (need a cleaner vs doesn't need to clean is quite a big gap to bridge).

How do you mean he wouldn't let you leave? That's one of the more worrying things you've said.

If you said to him you think you're both fighting a lot, neither of you seem happy and you're both finding it difficult to find a middle ground in your disagreements, would he agree to go to counselling do you think?

If not could you put aside a few hours (easier said than done I know) and have a full discussion about everything. Google about how to communicate better, some other posters had some ideas above eg don't say 'you're always getting at me' say 'when you say I've not done the shopping properly it makes me feel unappreciated as I find it quite a lot of effort with the baby crying, could we come up with a plan so that we're both happy with the shopping'

Lastly I know not the point of the post, but the tiredness for both of you will not be helping the situation. It is totally normal for babies to wake through the night especially breastfed babies. However some of it can be habit rather than need. I say that as someone who's baby woke up every 90 min to feed until 7 months old when I cracked and got a sleep consultant as it was beginning to cause me anxiety (didn't want to go and visit anyone for example incase I was too tired and wanted to nap). It took one night and she has pretty much slept through since. And it's not because she doesn't think there is any point crying, as we still go in and will take her in our bed if she is very distressed when she's ill for example. Anyway just saying that as I know you want to do your best for your baby but you need to do what's best for you too. My baby was actually happier after it as she wasn't so knackered. It might give you more energy to sort things out or make plans to leave

Also I don't know how clear cut it is whether he's being abusive or controlling. However, constant criticism is a recognised form of abuse

Exactly

I don’t know if this resonates but my Ex was Mr easygoing, except he wasn’t. He was very petty. If I asked him to do a small thing, he’d absolutely do the opposite. For example I asked him to park the car further to the side as it was getting scratched by the kids walking past with his bike. So, of course every time he ‘forgot’ to do it. If I had the morning off, he’d make a point of waking me up. Just small things all the time, but it absolutely was abuse.

I don’t know if your husband is abusive or not, OP, but you don’t sound very happy. Can you go and stay with family and have a break from him for a bit? Just give you some space to clear your head.

Your husband sounds like a dick, if this is an accurate account. My eldest didn't sleep through until 6 and a half. When she woke, she screamed. Loud enough to hear two blocks away (turns out she has ASD)

People who have babies that sleep through for eight hours at six months have absolutely no fucking idea about sleep deprivation. DH and I were on our knees. I am sure you are too.

Personally I think you should divorce him- that will cost him more than online shopping and a cleaner once a week Better to do it while they're small too, as they'll be used to it more quickly (I'm guessing they don't see much of him in the week).

Otherwise, I would order lots of toiletries etc on the next online shop. Hide them away, let him go to Aldi and run out of shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, laundry liquid etc
Don't wash his clothes, or iron anything of his. Don't make him meals. Don't do anything for him.
He will soon see what it's like to have a partner that does nothing for you.

You need sleep just as much as he does if he's expecting you to do everything at home.

Earrings
I have rtft thanks.

I'm another poster who can't see where the DH is being controlling. Many posters are diving in making him out to be an abusive arsehole etc, and the OP is completely in the right.
None of us really know what's going on here, we only have one side of the story, and as a pp says, it'd be interesting to hear the DHS point of view
From what I'm personally reading, it's as if the OP expects everything to work like a military operation in her family.

There's nothing wrong with that, but there's also nothing wrong with her DH not being organized the same as OP. I'm presuming he's wondering why OP is at home in the day, yet needs a cleaner and also needs to shop online too.
Yes she has two dc's to care for, but one goes to nursery at least sometimes. Furthermore, many women manage to look after two or more children, whilst cooking, washing and cleaning etc at the same time.

Many women also don't have husbands that not only help provide financially, but also help with childcare. I've been a single parent for years, and apologies if I'm not completely sympathetic to OP, but when you've dealt with all aspects of running a family home, looking after children, shopping etc AND working on top (with often relatively little sleep), it kind of makes me personally feel as if OP has it much easier than she could have.

I think he is an arsehole who has no understanding or caring for you .

Unless you have lived with someone like this you can't really understand what it is like. It wears you down, living with someone who are clearly nothing to. Who always thinks they know best. Who no matter how you hard you try, or how well you are doing. will never notice, but will criticise anything they don't like.

He is smug, arrogant and superior.

He has no respect for you, or any appreciation of what you do.

I hear you OP.

It's really hard to see the woods for the trees when you are in a constant state of exhaustion. This is just a phase with your DC but sadly your DH is another matter.

I think you need to stop focusing on what he's doing, and concentrate on your DC and yourself. I never expected DH to help at night as he was working, and I'd try and get a nap in with the kids during the day if I'd had a bad night. If I felt like it, I'd do some cooking or some tidying but DH would often come in and see I'd had a bad day and take over. You have to stop trying to "manage" him as you are going to destroy your sanity. If he doesn't want a cleaner, then he lives in a messy house. If he doesn't want online shopping then he goes with a list and gets everything on it or you do it online yourself. You sound like you're sending yourself slowly mad, in the nicest possible way, and you need to accept that you can't always plan and organise life with DC

To me, it sounds like he is trying but perhaps not trying enough or in the way that you would like. You need to have a frank discussion about how tired you are and what you need help with. If he moans about the cost then he needs to step up and help with these things himself, if he won't help then he needs to accept that you'll hire help from elsewhere.
I am also a very organised person and my husband is not. It's hard and I do understand where you're coming from with that. But you have to remind yourself that other people don't plan and organise things in the same that you might, even though your way is the "right" way to do it for you. You have to compromise. If you ask your husband to shop and he does but he forgets things, then he goes back out and gets the things he forgot.
We have a 5 month old who has been constantly crying and sleeping no more than 3 hours at a time since he was born so I'm with you on the sleep deprivation. But my husband and I took it in turns, so he did one night and I did the next night and so on. It meant we were both getting a full nights sleep.
Could your DH sort the kids after work (or whenever suits) for at least a night or two a week so you could have a bit of time to yourself? I've started running every other night when DH gets home and it's so nice to have some quiet. It's very easy to get overwhelmed.

Many women also don't have husbands that not only help provide financially, but also help with childcare. I've been a single parent for years, and apologies if I'm not completely sympathetic to OP, but when you've dealt with all aspects of running a family home, looking after children, shopping etc AND working on top (with often relatively little sleep), it kind of makes me personally feel as if OP has it much easier than she could have

That's a convenient cop out for men. Plenty of woman manage without help, wifey, so off you go - there's the toilet brush, but first pass me that beer as the footie is on.

Clemetipops I would recommend getting your post moved to relationships. You primarily be given thoughtful and productive advice. AIBU is full of twats, loosers and fools who get a sick kick out of belittling others.

Blueberryhill I'm with you on that one. *sigh

Some people have little to worry about I guess.

It is very difficult to judge what's really going on because it's only OP's view and there is another side to the story.

Whatever is going on though, it's not working. Whether he feels you're micromanaging him or whether he needs it - I don't know. I personally would be annoyed if you woke me up early when it was your shift and I wasn't allowed to do that to you. He gets more sleep, because that's what you decided. It needs to be sorted out properly where it's equal.

So, he didn't agree with the online shopping and he went to Aldi but didn't get everything you wanted. This happens, I forget things shopping all the time even with a list. You weren't happy with what he got, he could be seeing this as you micromanaging him again and having a go at everything again. Or, he could just be being a pain in the arse. We honestly can't tell that.

The cleaning. You could be a clean freak and he could be laid back or you could just want a tidy home and he's a slob. We don't know and can't tell.

Money does seem to be an issue and you do have less because you're on maternity, he could just be worrying about it and trying to save in places.

I agree with the a PP, that the most worrying thing is that you're scared of him. This is also another case of you could just be struggling and every little thing is being picked up or he could be being an arsehole. I watch my DP leave, I don't know why. I give him a kiss and wave him off, it's not because I'm trying to control him. This is another situation where it could be either way and I pick that up with so many of your points.

We don't know you or your DH and we have no idea what is really going on.

You like your life managed and structured and he doesn't so that's always going to cause problems.

If I were you, I'd go back to my GP, I'd get you and your DH into couples counselling. You're stressed and you need help, which is understandable, I just don't think we could possibly tell whether it's PND or your husbands a dick.

Have you got any family support OP?

Wow that was really long, sorry

Guinea pig
You're on here too aren't you?

OP, start with a chat with your GP. I, also think that you may have PND.

You're going for Counselling, for OCD traits, you've had previous PND, some of what you are saying would point to PND this time round.

Whether it's your DH or your obsessiveness, your GP is the way to start to get help.

I'm surprised that more posters aren't saying that tbh.

Clemetipops I would recommend getting your post moved to relationships

I agree, AIBU is not a helpful place to post as demonstrated by the total lack of sympathy and understanding displayed by some posters. Especially the ones who tell you they lived in a cardboard box in the middle of the motorway and coped just fine

Get this thread closed or moved over to the relationships board.

I just think you are incompatible, OP. The more you take over the organisation, the less he will take on responsability.

I am curious though as to how your dh can help with a breastfed baby in the middle of the night?

OP ...when did you and your husband last have fun? when did you both last act irresponsibly and just did something good for the sheer hell of it? Parenting especially in the early years is crap..its a non stop tedious exhausting path you are on both of you...I would suggest you are both exhausted a bit fed up a bit tense and this needs to stop.There must be some relatives kicking about who can call in for help? Let them take the kids for the day or night ...and both of you chill out...sounds to me like domestic issues have got in the way way too much and the fun has gone right out the window...you both need to get it back and get through these first few years,,,Can you both not just sit down with a cup of coffee and chat? You know cos before you were parents you were a couple and you need to work on that....No accusations no nothing just try to agree maybe that life is tough at the minute its no ones fault and try to reaffirm to each other that it will get easier ,,,relax ....you have to both be invested in your marriage and put that first too otherwise you have nothing ....might be worth a try! As individuals cannot you both be kind to each other?

I think the advice to call women's aid is a bit OTT. I don't think the husband sounds abusive, just a bit of a dick.

I did have to have a laugh at whoever said a six month old usually sleeps through the night..I've just made myself another industrial strength coffee as I was up a few times last night with my 15 month old!! Shock horror!! And that making a rod for your own back nonsense is bullshit.

Blueberry I’m also a single parent to 3 children, work full time, v little support. However MY situation and YOURS are irrelevant to the OP’s.

You have RTFT you say? Well then stop misquoting what OP says. What on earth is the problem with an online shop? Why shouid she have to force herself around Aldi with a baby if she does not want to?

If he won’t clean because he doesn’t think it needs doing her choices are to agree to that or do it herself. They can afford a cleaner.

Yes we only have OP’s side. That’s how this works, for every thread. You’re merely imagining an alternative view. It’s just nasty.

I agree, AIBU is not a helpful place to post as demonstrated by the total lack of sympathy and understanding displayed by some posters. Especially the ones who tell you they lived in a cardboard box in the middle of the motorway and coped just fine

^This from Soup* brilliantly put.

I agree with @CatnissEverdene

I also recommend moving this to Relationships, OP, or make a new thread there and include the info about being scared of him and how you feel constantly watched.

AIBU has a lot of people who are just entertaining themselves, which is fine when it's a thread about parking wars or cheeky fuckery, but this is a serious issue for you and you need help.

To ask MN to move your post, click on the "Report" link on your first post and just ask them to move to the Relationships board.