DH is antagonsing me to the point I'm going mad.

[Clemetipops]

I am organised and like to plan, DH is the opposite, which is fine. We have 2 young children who aren't sleeping so we are trying to work in shifts all managed and organised by me of course. I am trying to protect everyones sleep, but giving DH a larger chunk of unbroken sleep than myself as he has a full-time, demanding job.

Sometimes, if the baby is up a lot more during my shift and his bigger chunk of sleep, I might wake him 20 minutes or so earlier than usual to take over, particularly if he's had a chunk of 7-8 hours sleep, which he does sometimes get if the baby doesn't wake during his shift. The most ever I get in one chunk is 4-5 hours of sleep as I feed the baby myself.

I am however despairing now as he will not organise/plan our sleeping shifts but is constantly finding fault in what I'm doing. Last night he woke me to say
"it's your turn to go in to the baby"
I said "not for half an hour yet."
"You woke me 20 mins earlier than my time this morning."
I just want to cry.
Wtf?!
He always gets much more sleep than me which I'm trying to protect but he behaves like a rebellious teenager over the slightest adjustment.

This is telling of our lives full stop.
I organise and plan everything whilst he finds snags/short-cuts/loop holes with everything I do. I plan our meals/do the food shop and order online for ease and he will find fault and criticise what I buy/how much I spend etc and tells me I need to find time in the day to shop at Aldi with the baby who never stops crying. I tell him I can't face it and I get disapproving looks. He says he is happy to do the food shop at weekends but always comes home without shampoo/toothpaste/ cleaning products but will brag about how little he spends in a food shop.
I do all the correspondence with our eldest child's nursery, but he will intervene if he doesnt agree with something. I feel hes watching my every move like a hawk, whilst taking on nothing himself. He refuses to clean the house and says it is not necesary to clean (wtf!) So I hired a cleaner to do it instead and he harps on about how much money I am wasting on her. He never says he expects me to do it, but this is obvious. I tell him I can't manage it myself, the house is too large for me to keep clean all by myself and yet he refuses to downsize.

I try to leave the planning to him and he does nothing or tells me he needs direction. I think he is subtly and antagonistically trying to control every thing. I feel like I'm actually losing my mind.
I want to punch him so hard at times. I am trying so hard to make family life work as smoothly as possible but he wants to criticise/question or even just do his own thing. I always feel he has his own hidden agenda.

I can't live like this anymore and my anger is bubbling away so much so that I'm actually worried I might lash out and hurt him.

I know some posters will tell me to give him more responsibility over stuff but it's genuinely more hassle than it's worth. I have tried this so many times. We would all end up eating chips at every meal with no vegetables on our plates and washing our hair with hand soap.

What do I do?

Reading fail - it's in the OP's first post:
"We have 2 young children who aren't sleeping so we are trying to work in shifts all managed and organised by me of course. I am trying to protect everyones sleep, but giving DH a larger chunk of unbroken sleep than myself as he has a full-time, demanding job."

As @almutasakieun is so ably proving, there are women who will fall over themselves to make excuses for controlling, useless men.

It kind of sounds to me like you are vert controlling but also paranoid that he is trying to control you. Other than not wanting to pay for a house cleaner your dh sounds flexible. The fact he even has gone along with sleeping in shifts at all says he's not that controlling. I would suggest a sleep therapist if your 3yo is not sleeping through the night. It sounds like you both need couples counselling. You say you are in therapy would he consider going with you?

almut - for someone who has says they have had pnd, your lack of empathy to op is shocking.

It's quite normal for a breastfed baby to wake through the night to feed. Look up attachment parenting. All very normal and very healthy. Perhaps look at how damaging your own parenting methods are @almutasakieun

Rachelle - thank God I'm not the only one!

Honey, I have a very happy, healthy 15 year old.

@almut is upset because I pay for a cleaner.

He sounds like a giant toddler to me. I was a single parent and found working full time with a small child MUCH easier than having my previous husband around as he was not only bloody useless but obstructed everything I did.
I really feel for you OP, I think you need to have very serious words with him.

How do the sleeping shifts work?

@almutasakieun you're talking absolute nonsense. You're very lucky that your babies slept so well, but it's actually unusual at 6m that that is the case. It's a very sensible idea to have 'shifts' where one person is responsible for that period to get up with the baby if required. Just because OP isn't working it doesn't mean she has to suffer with constant sleep deprivation. My baby is a bad sleeper and my husband gets up early with her so I can catch up on some sleep. He then goes off to work and functions perfectly well and he would think you were ridiculous to say that he deserves to get undisturbed sleep nonstop.

FYI it's not damaging to the baby to not sleep well, recent studies have proven that there is no detrimental impact on their growth, development etc., so you're wrong on that too. Let's hope that you're not unlucky enough to have a bad sleeper if you have any more, for the sake of the baby!!

Just wondering how big your house is OP?

@almutasakieun you’re very deliberately ignoring the parts of OP’s posts which don’t support the interpretation you’ve chosen to apply to the situation.

Just remember that while you’re getting a kick out of your criticism and spite, there is a real person on the other side of the screen who actually has to deal with this in real life, and who can’t choose to ignore the issues that aren’t convenient for your narrative. Just remember that you’re talking to a woman whose husband is overly critical, refuses to help, and behaves in a way that makes her feel trapped and fearful.

@almutasakieun your posts are vile & appear to be wilfully ignoring the information given by the OP.

OP I think there is evidence of abusive behaviour on your DH part. I believe he knows your personality, and what upsets / stresses you & is directly playing into that by being disorganised & undermining you.

Counselling could be a possibility but I wonder will he listen to you on that, and would he engage.

It sounds v tough. 💐

No my dear. I work and pay for a cleaner now too. So if you think I'm posting out of jealousy, get a grip. You do indeed sound all me me me me me me. Your husband doesn't get a look in. So the daft suggestions of Women's Aid etc. are typical off the wall nonsense spouted on here.

I'm trying to actually help you. If you are not willing to listen, that's your look out!

@madcatlady yes it's the obstructive behaviour, it's so very subtle but has such an impact. I keep thinking that life may be much much simpler if I were on my own. Not sure where to begin though. I have nowhere to go, so would need to stay put until the house ia sold. Things will likely massively intolerable during that phase though of still living together but separating. I don't know how we will get by at all.

Very well said Pachy

Poor OP reading almu’s nastiness.

Life is far too short for this. You don't need another child to look after. Move on with your life, without him.

I am floored people think op's husband is abusive... He doesn't want a cleaner, but they have one. He doesn't want her ordering food on line, but she does. Where is the peril? Sounds like she does lots of things he doesn't like, and he lets it go. How is he a psychological manipulative control freak? They clearly need therapy together but I'm not seeing the panic others see. Op is unhappy and tired and needs support, but that doesn't mean her dh is an awful person.

Oh OP I understand that feeling of it all seeming impossible and feeling overwhelmed. You are taking care of 2 very small children with no emotional (or practical) support from your DH.

Can you start by airing those thoughts with your counsellor? Trying to unpick where you are?

There’s a way through or out of everything but step by step for now

Why don’t you leave the OP alone, almut? You’re being quite horrible.

Thankyou for other posters support, I'm taking no notice of almut anyway.

1. Ignore Almut
2. Tell him to do the shopping, give him a specific list of things needed, the reason his shopping is cheaper is because he doesn't get everything needed.
3. Any nitpicking, tell him to fuck off or do it himself.
4. Ask him why he watches you leave. It might just be that he loves you and wants to wave you off (or he could be a weirdo).
5. Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a child, I suspect that is why you do all the organising, as when he is left to do something, it doesn't get done.
6. Try and have a little time for yourself everyday and maybe think about seeing the doctor if you feel down or think it could be pnd.

Best wishes xx