DH is antagonsing me to the point I'm going mad.

[Clemetipops]

I am organised and like to plan, DH is the opposite, which is fine. We have 2 young children who aren't sleeping so we are trying to work in shifts all managed and organised by me of course. I am trying to protect everyones sleep, but giving DH a larger chunk of unbroken sleep than myself as he has a full-time, demanding job.

Sometimes, if the baby is up a lot more during my shift and his bigger chunk of sleep, I might wake him 20 minutes or so earlier than usual to take over, particularly if he's had a chunk of 7-8 hours sleep, which he does sometimes get if the baby doesn't wake during his shift. The most ever I get in one chunk is 4-5 hours of sleep as I feed the baby myself.

I am however despairing now as he will not organise/plan our sleeping shifts but is constantly finding fault in what I'm doing. Last night he woke me to say
"it's your turn to go in to the baby"
I said "not for half an hour yet."
"You woke me 20 mins earlier than my time this morning."
I just want to cry.
Wtf?!
He always gets much more sleep than me which I'm trying to protect but he behaves like a rebellious teenager over the slightest adjustment.

This is telling of our lives full stop.
I organise and plan everything whilst he finds snags/short-cuts/loop holes with everything I do. I plan our meals/do the food shop and order online for ease and he will find fault and criticise what I buy/how much I spend etc and tells me I need to find time in the day to shop at Aldi with the baby who never stops crying. I tell him I can't face it and I get disapproving looks. He says he is happy to do the food shop at weekends but always comes home without shampoo/toothpaste/ cleaning products but will brag about how little he spends in a food shop.
I do all the correspondence with our eldest child's nursery, but he will intervene if he doesnt agree with something. I feel hes watching my every move like a hawk, whilst taking on nothing himself. He refuses to clean the house and says it is not necesary to clean (wtf!) So I hired a cleaner to do it instead and he harps on about how much money I am wasting on her. He never says he expects me to do it, but this is obvious. I tell him I can't manage it myself, the house is too large for me to keep clean all by myself and yet he refuses to downsize.

I try to leave the planning to him and he does nothing or tells me he needs direction. I think he is subtly and antagonistically trying to control every thing. I feel like I'm actually losing my mind.
I want to punch him so hard at times. I am trying so hard to make family life work as smoothly as possible but he wants to criticise/question or even just do his own thing. I always feel he has his own hidden agenda.

I can't live like this anymore and my anger is bubbling away so much so that I'm actually worried I might lash out and hurt him.

I know some posters will tell me to give him more responsibility over stuff but it's genuinely more hassle than it's worth. I have tried this so many times. We would all end up eating chips at every meal with no vegetables on our plates and washing our hair with hand soap.

What do I do?

Almut the OPs partner gets 7-8 hrs sleep, not bad for a family with two
young children or for any adult really? . The op only gets 4-5.
And how is doing an online shop controlling? Being told off for doing online grocery shopping sounds more like controlling behaviour to me.

Almut... You're advice is absolute tosh. Congratulations that your 6month old slept 8 hours through the night. Its actually very normal that they don't.

My DH comes across as very critical. I get accused of doing something "wrong" daily. I found I had completely lost my self-confidence after having our child / PND and it took a lot of counselling to get it back and stand up for myself.

Just read your update. You need to get on to Women's Aid. This man actually sounds potentially dangerous.

OP, on another day you would have had very different advice on this thread - lots of snakes in force today. It’s not your fault your kids don’t sleep through the night - that is normal for thousands and thousands of kids.

People are wilfully ignoring the information you gave about your DH being critical, of him attempting to micromanage you by being hypocritical of the way you clean and do the shopping, about him never cleaning or sharing the workload of managing your home.

It’s because some people take such joy in savaging a poster that they read in information that isn’t there, and ignore what is actually said. It’s their issue, not yours.

You aren’t unreasonable because you want your DH to share the cleaning, do the shopping properly, let you sleep sometimes and not criticise you endlessly for what you do. These are totally reasonable things for you to want and expect.

Almut, not sure if there’s any point clarifying but I do think it sounds tough being treated in such a way as the Ops controlling partner is treating her. If they can afford a cleaner and online shopping, he is being controlling telling her off for doing so.

I'm reading it the other way round. Far from him being controlling, she has micromanaged him down to when he can bloody sleep!
If you don't trust him to do the shopping and you insist on doing it yourself (again controlling on your part), let him mind the kids and you can pop to Aldi.

You say he has a stressful job. What does he do? You need a full nights sleep to work.

Is your income stretched? He has already said he'd do the shopping if you can't, but you won't let him do that either!
No matter how big the home is, you're still a very small family.
And dismiss my advice as tosh if you like, but I ain't the one with the problem here.

I'm that disorganised person. I use methods suggested in adhd websites and they work well for me. Maybe you could go through them with him, set up some systems with him and then let him try them. Things like alarms set on phones for daily and weekly regular tasks. I even have one set for watering the planets twice a week. But tasks need to be done asap when alarm goes off or I forget. Noticeboard by front door with a couple of reminders on it. Key hooks by door etc. 3 intray system for post etc (how to are online). Takes 30 days for a habit to for so you may need to remind him for the first month. To be anyway organised I need to be uber-organised. It's all or nothing for me.

That said he sounds like a twat. He is not prepared to do the tasks properly, but has the cheek to criticise you when you do something! Have you tried just telling him to fuck off when he nitpicks? Or just said saying yes dear and ignoring his wanky comments?

Do what works for you (ie imternet shopping) and let his bloody criticisms wash over you. He might, just might, get bored of being a critical twat if your reaction changes.

@Clemitipops

He doesn't have to allow you to leave. You leave. ANd that is the nub - rights and wrongs aside you are unhappy being with him and have been for a long time. You've told him so and he won't see your point, compromise or change. You suspect he has 'an agenda' or is deliberately trying to break you down. In your last post particularly you sound scared of him. At that point, it doesn't matter if you're right about any of that or wrong; the relationship is totally unsalvageable.

So on to the practicalities. Married or not? Own or rent? In whose name? Any support network?

You can't make a life with this man you neither trust nor like.

We can afford both cleaning and online shopping in my opinion. DH argues we can't as we don't have many savings and my maternity leave has left us with less money, but all bills are paid and we can afford clothes, food, family outings etc, haircuts.

I would add as an addendum (because I hate that this is ALWAYS said to mums of young babies when they have any problems or are unhappy about anything) but do consider seeing a doctor about PND. It may be he is far from the right man for you but not actually full of malign intent the way you describe him, and the intensity of your upset is being exacerbated by depression/anxiety.

@almutasakieun You are being so so harsh.

Do you want a solution or do you want a moan?

I can see his point on the sleep - if you're allowed to break the schedule, why isn't he? Either the schedule applies to both of you (and you can't wake him up early), or it's just a guideline.

If you need more sleep than you're allocating yourself, split it 50:50 properly. When he complains, you can explain you were trying to be generous, but since he doesn't like you diverting from the schedule, you've made it exactly equal.

It is impossible for strangers to really grasp the dynamics of your relationship but from your post it really looks like you need external help. Couple counselling. It sounds like you have reached stalemate. A mediator should be able to help you to communicate more effectively.

To give an example, I was in a relationship that was making me happy, we argued a lot! but I loved my dp and didn't wish to split. Rather that using "you do this and you do that..." Which was attacking/emotive language she got me to use " when this happens, I feel like this..." It worked for us and 20 years later we are still together and hardly ever fall out. We still use this tactic.

@namestheyareachangin
I know. A very long time.
There are only so many name changes hey..

*wasn't making me happy

I don't know why you would need to wake the other person up, unless the baby is up too. I can't understand why you would wake someone.
My advice:

1. Let him do the shopping
2. Ditch the cleaner, hire a sleep therapist (or whatever they're called instead).
3. Do away with this crazy night shifts
4. Go to GP re possible PND - if you've had it before, you're higher risk

Lannie: I really like your thinking here re the 50/50 split. It makes sense.

almutaskien - the OP has had pnd. Why don't you clear off and take your 'helpful' comments with you?

@lannie

Nobody is waking anyone unless the baby is awake almut 🙄

I too have had PND. And I won't clear off. I'll post where I feel like.