Anyone else blame their partner for their family being poor?

[lemonface]

I feel like a right cow and I know I am probably BU but...
My DP has his own business, 12 years it's been going and he works so hard but I just don't think it works as he ends up paying the people who work for him much more than he gets and we never have any money! Always overdrawn and can't afford anything to go wrong with house etc as never able to save. He doesn't spend anything except on bare essentials.
I work 30 hours and feel pretty trapped in my job as I haven't been able to study or get a better higher paying job because I have been supporting his business and bringing up the kids. He always says it will get better but it doesn't and I feel he could have put his career on hold as I did and let me study or further my career and he stand back and we would be in a better place now.
I know it's shitty but it really pisses me off and I'm so resentful now as all our friends and family seem to go on nice holidays etc and we struggle so much.
AIBU?

12 years later and still struggling? Time to call it a day.
Sounds like a “hobby” business.

Sorry but you are involved with the business you say, so what are you doing about it? Is your dh unwilling to make changes? Can you get advice from someone about the business?

I don't think you can blame partners for everything. Everyone has a choice as to who they are with, if they have children, what job they work in etc.

Yes it could be one persons fault there is little money as they lay at being SE/don't work or work part time but the other person chooses to remain with them.

I've taught my children if they want the nice things in life they have to work hard for them not expect others to provide them and never accept anything less than 50/50 contribution on finances, parenting and household tasks.

You didnt have to put your career on hold and don't have to now. If he claims to not be able to do his job without you then is that who you really want for a partner?

No you can't blame your partner, you too had a choice. You didn't have to go with it, have kids, and you could have studied if you'd chosen to. So you both bear responsibility here.

Yes the big bang, that's a good idea re. Teaching the children that.

Time to stop indulging him. Tell him to get a job!

You can’t blame your partner, if you want to change your career then YOU must have the drive to do so, if you want it as badly as you say you do, then action it.

STOP with the Can’t your only putting barriers in front of you, and change them to CAN

YANBU. He's doing the business for selfish reasons it would have been more sensible for him to admit defeat and for you to have a chance to further your career.

I work full time and bringing up a family and I’m doing an open university degree - you can study and then get a better job

No I suppose one can't entirely blame their partners but women do get the raw deal. They get behind their man, supporting them in all they do, and it's when they realise it's not reciprocated it's a kick in the teeth. Then the resentment starts.

Time to put the foot down OP... have a calm serious conversation with him. Lay out the accounts for the last few years and lay out what you would prefer to happen going forward. I’m amazed you’ve lasted 12 years in this situation. I feel for your DH as he obviously put his all into this business, expected it to pay off eventually and i imagine it’s so hard to admit defeat and feel it was “all for nothing” but u think it’s time to call it a day.

What type of business is it? Could he not adapt it in some way to work around a second job. My partner had a full time business from home however he also works an additional 39 hours for a company so we have a steady income should his business have a quite week or go down the pan

After 12 years, and with your salary propping up his business by keeping the family afloat, then no, I don't think you are. It would be working by now, if it was going to, and we're heading into a nasty recession by all appearances, which will make finding work harder, and many businesses fail.

It can't be that easy to work 30 hours a week, bring up children plus help husband out in business, (although I don't know if OP means financial help or time wise) and further ones own career. As a pp said maybe it's time to have a serious talk about it, and hopefully between you you can change things. Either way if you can (depending on yours and children's ages) now try to further or have a career change, if that's what you really want.

Your Dp needs to get some proper business advice and help. does he have a business plan with a financial forecast, if not why not. he desperately needs one of these to focus his mind on what he is doing, why he is doing it and a realistic look at goals etc. The best money you could spend right now would be on a business advisor (depending on where you live there might be some projects running this for free) He is just drifting - too scared of the alternatives if he throws in the towel. are you a member of the FSB or any other local business association where he can access some help. His business needs someone from outside to come in, to have a critical look at it with him and to help him make the decisions to move forward and either turn this hobby into something that makes money or fold it and get a job. Too many small business people just carry on doing the same thing and getting the same results year after year. something has to stimulate that change. he wont, you cant so get some help to do it.

What sort of business is it? It seems to me that he is either paying way too much in the way of running costs, or simply isn't charging enough to customers in the first place. Or a combination of the two.

Has he got a decent accountant - I mean a really good one, who can interpret things and make suggestions about how to improve profitability. And who is on his side and is able to absolutely minimise his tax liability.

No. My parents owe me nothing. They put a roof over my head and food in my belly. If parents give a child anything else, then that is a bonus and not a right.

No I suppose one can't entirely blame their partners but women do get the raw deal. They get behind their man, supporting them in all they do, and it's when they realise it's not reciprocated it's a kick in the teeth. Then the resentment starts

How offensive portraying us as the little women supporting their big men folk. We only get a raw deal if we chose it, and we, just like men, need to take personal responsibility for our choices. And support is a two way street. People in relationships support each other, and if you don't have that, then it's fuck all to do with your gender and everything to do with the choices you made.

If your family were on Universal credit it would be assumed that self employment would bring in at least minimum wage after 1 year of operation.
12 years a long time to still be building the business and really if it isnt paying its way for the family without your financial input then it is just a hobby business. Time for you both to sit down and discuss what the next 12 years will bring.It definitely cant go on the way it has so far.

My dear friend has just decided to shut down her business because it's not making any money. It's a rotten thing to have to do but there comes a time when you can't expect your partner to keep on bailing you out.
Is there any possible compromise ie could he get a part time job of some kind and keep a reduced version of the business running? I appreciate that not all businesses will work in this way - it depends what he does. Also, has he even taken any kind of business advice or financial advice, or is he one of those who knows better than anyone else, and the World Just Doesn't Understand? If what he is doing is something that customers like, want and are at least potentially willing to pay for, but he's crap at the admin side, some sort of restructure might help.

If you blame him you also have to blame yourself a little for allowing this to go on for 12 years. Clearly it is time to call it a day on his business.

If a business is still struggling after 12 years then it’s 100% time for him to shut it down. I think 3-4 years would be more than enough time to see it a business can flourish. Any longer than that is just money down the drain!
YADNBU

if he pays his staff more than himself, can he not have you working for him and you will have a wage.

I do a bit, but I knew what he was like when I married him and we are happy and have a happy life. We are just chronic under achievers. He is in a job he hates on a middling wage and has made very little effort to leave it. I got made redundant from a good job and now do two low paid jobs to make ends meet. I do actually like my jobs but feel that we are both better than where we have ended up. A lot of it stems from the fact that he wouldn't move when the kids were younger and we could have done it. We live in a lovely part of the country, where he is from, but there are very little opportunities here. I think we should have moved, but it is too late now. I wish we had talked and planned more when we were younger instead of drifting. I encourage my children to think about salaries and opportunities now.
I feel for you OP and your other half. It sounds like you are both in a really difficult situation. It's easy to see where you are both coming from. I hope you can work it out together.

The running costs are high, lots of equipment and insurance. He is always busy and has a great reputation, I just think the costs are not covered.

We have talked about it many times, he feels that there is nothing else he can do, he can't do less hours and another job due to the running costs. He already often works weekends. I go on and on about how it doesn't work and he needs to change something, get advice etc. He does love the job so don't think he will change it.

Jobs I would like to study for involve placements etc which just wouldn't be doable.

I don't do anything for the business, when I said I support it I meant that I allow him to do it as I am around for kids etc when he needs to work late or at weekends.